The commitment phobic man, how to spot signs/ save yourself from heartache

[cblossom20]

Absolutely!

[goodheartlady]

Thorhammer:

"And i love to commit, all i want is a commitment... but, you can be a miss right now for me because you might not measure up to someone i would like to see as my gf. That doesnt mean i dont want a relationship, it just means you dont fit the full criteria - and usually people like to point the finger and say I have the problem instead of accepting that they just wasnt what i was looking for - they knew it, but stuck around anyway."

 

I think the male perspective here is very important. An honest voice here.

[patterned]

You're responsible for your choices. If you find yourself attracted to someone who can't commit, I would ask what is it in you that finds that attractive?

 

This is much more empowering. Sure there are red flags for many situations, but if you nonetheless find yourself drawn to those red flags the challenge is to be aware and to change yourself.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using link removed

[cblossom20]

Goodheart lady you clearly are the type of person who needs to be always right. So will leave you to it.

 

Patterned did you not read my first post, I am fully aware of my own emotional unavailability. I said I am now on my own journey of becoming available again.

 

The purpose of this thread is mainly for me to explain my experiences. I have been single for 2 yrs

and only been dating for a year so was a bit naive to the obvious red flags! Now I know!

[patterned]

What I've realised is its nothing to do with me and all to do with them. Negative views of love, commitment, relationships, themselves. They men (and women) are sad, tortured souls who I realise will probably never be happy. They will continue the same sad pattern with another women. In my view

these men should not be able to date until they have received therapy. They are lonely, sad men.

 

As for me, I have at last addressed my own unavailability and on a personal journey of becoming available again

 

Yes I absolutely was responding to your original post. I'm not sure you heard my point.

 

I'm suggesting that the premise or the approach may be wrong. My point is precisely that once you have dealt with your own reasons you won't have to seek out red flags because you won't be drawn to those people. They won't seem nearly as safe or attractive.

 

There are plenty of people on this forum dying to go back to obviously abusive relationships. The red flags are more like the loud sirens of a passing fire truck. These people can clearly see the situation is bad for them. Being aware of the red flag isn't getting them out of the situation. Understanding what they are attracted to about it, and addressing that is.

 

You say yourself you've addressed this unavailability. Did you also judge yourself a lonely and sad tortured sole as you describe it? Were you a lonely sad person? I don't see how these judgments of others help. We're all doing our best to figure it out.

[missmarple]

I've never been involved with a commitment-phobe...not to my knowledge, at least. Or maybe I did but I left before I realised what his problem was.

I think, in a relationship, it's important to know what your limits are and, once someone crosses them, to just walk away. You'll save yourself lots of heartache down the road.

[cblossom20]

Thank everyone I do appreciate your advice/support. But the difference is I ended it with the last guy fairly quickly because I worked out what was going on. Something in the past I was incapable of doing because I needed love so badly. For me this is a major stepping stone.

 

I still have work to do on myself. However I am happy being single, have great friends and social life. I'm 38 and would of course like to meet someone and settle down, but going to take my time about it. These are all learning experiences for me!

[patterned]

I don't see how these judgments of others help. We're all doing our best to figure it out.

 

I worry these types of judgements shift the blame on other preventing us from dealing with our own role, the only one we have control over.

[goodheartlady]

"I don't see how these judgments of others help. We're all doing our best to figure it out.

I worry these types of judgements shift the blame on other preventing us from dealing with our own role, the only one we have control over."

 

Completely agree. All of this.

[cblossom20]

Don't worry guys I am completley aware of my own faults. And I'm ashamed to admit I have displayed a lot of what these guys have done to me.

 

 

I dated a guy I May for a month and was really attracted to him, but did the hot cold thing with him, the only time I wanted him was when he pulled away. In my twisted mind this was love. I wanted him to treat me badly then I would start being attracted to him. I remember one instance, he wanted to go to the cinema and I sat next to him and all I could think of was getting away. It took me every ounce of energy to stay, when we left the cinema I practically ran. The poor guy didnt know what was going on.

I took a break of a week and then wouldnt commit to dates, I used the busy excuse - I treated him terribly and I know I really hurt him.

 

I know I am the one with the problem and only drawn to men I cant have. But I am aware of this and making steps to change this.

[patterned]

That's an interesting story. You're more self aware than a lot of people I know. He was responsible for himself, you're just doing the best you can. We're all learning and growing. We'll never be done if we're open to the lessons life offers. Stay young at heart and don't be afraid to make mistakes (not saying you are, I'm just writing in general terms).

[Sportster2005]

I take a very simple view. I don't label or try to diagnose people. Commitment phobe, personality disorder, blah blah blah. I don't care. What I do care about is how they behave and how they treat me. And if I don't like either, sayonara. The best way to avoid these broken people is to be relentless in disqualifying people with bad behaviour.

[Ms Darcy]

Im not trying to hide behind commitment phobia as a way of dealing with rejection. The last guy I dated was most definitely the worst commitment phobe ive ever encountered. He is petrified and it was obvious from the start, his main concern was me leaving. He admitted several times in different forms but I could read between the lines. And yeah he probably will marry because society says you should/peer pressure etc but he will never fully be commited.

 

In my opinion, I think it's both. This research IS a way to deal with rejection. I mean, let's say theoretically he did marry within a couple of years and had a healthy/loving relationship - from what you know - how would you feel?

 

I think the more important lesson is not about the men you are with but rather you. What is attracting you to men who, for whatever reason, are not available to you. What makes you stick around that? That is the most teachable moment here.

 

I think it's great you ended it with the last guy quickly -- that is the biggest benefit of all that you have learned about behaviors not conducive to a long-term relationship.

[cblossom20]

If the guy marries within a year or two I can honestly say I would be pleased for him because I dont have any emotional attachment to him, in fact I don't tend to have an emotional attachement with any of the guys I have dated since my break up. I have taught myself not to feel and have this weird filter thing which I seem to have when I'm around them. Its hard to explain but I won't really make too much eye contact, I purposely sit in bars/restaurants which mean I don't have to face someone full on, if I'm in their apartment I won't really 'take in' their place I may as well be in a field with a load of cows. It's like I'm not really there. When I feel the end is near with the relationship for me its always about maintaing control.

 

I have got myself into this pattern and I don't know how to get out of it to be honest. Im terrified I will meet a great guy and mess it up because its not what I'm used to so will feel uncomfortable, get bored and create drama because this is then only way I seem to be able to feel anything.

 

Without wanting to sound big headed, I'm lucky that I'm attactive, look much younger then my age, find it easy to talk to men - so attracting a guy is no issue, its when I start dating them the problems arise.

[cblossom20]

Sorry about the spelling/grammar! Writing this on my phone!

[patterned]

Im terrified I will meet a great guy and mess it up because its not what I'm used to so will feel uncomfortable, get bored and create drama because this is then only way I seem to be able to feel anything.

 

It's when I start dating them the problems arise.

 

1. You might mess it up, I have. But each time is a learning experience for both parties. There will be others.

2. It's when you are in a dating situation that you're forced/able to confront the issues around intimacy.

[IAmFCA]

Don't worry guys I am completley aware of my own faults. And I'm ashamed to admit I have displayed a lot of what these guys..

 

This is the key. We attract what we offer. As you work through your fears of rejection/abandonment that keep you from commitment, then you will begin to attract men who are more secure in themselves.

[Rosti87]

I think the majority of the views here are correct. I especially agree with the people who encourage people to not 'judge.' Everyone is at the level that they are on. As long as they are working to improve their lot in life I think encouragement is important. Smug self-rightousness should be mitigated as much as possible.

[cblossom20]

Thanks Rosti love the name BTW, very cute!

 

The difficulty for me is knowing who is a guy who is emotionally stable, and one who one isnt. Because when you first meet a guy they are seem nice! The recent guy I dated was lovely, friendly and great. I guess the first warning was as soon as I gave him my number he called me and texted me 5 minutes after he recieved it. But a part of me just thought it was really sweet and romantic!

[Rosti87]

Thanks Rosti love the name BTW, very cute!

 

The difficulty for me is knowing who is a guy who is emotionally stable, and one who one isnt. Because when you first meet a guy they are seem nice! The recent guy I dated was lovely, friendly and great. I guess the first warning was as soon as I gave him my number he called me and texted me 5 minutes after he recieved it. But a part of me just thought it was really sweet and romantic!

 

Probably with more practice and experience you can smoke this stuff out fairly quickly. As you get to know yourself better in this arena, more than likely when you have that first date you may pick up immediately, almost 'intuitively' that something is amiss and just move on from there. I know that if I 'sense' that something is a miss upon initial meeting I cut the outing short and make my 'excuses.'

 

One day you will get to that point, but you may have to go through a few more trials and challenges until you get it down. You may even be able to smoke it out at the pre-date stage (if you are doing online dating).

[Ms Darcy]

1. You might mess it up, I have. But each time is a learning experience for both parties. There will be others.

2. It's when you are in a dating situation that you're forced/able to confront the issues around intimacy.

 

I agree with this. I think if you continually find yourself with guys who are not available to you emotionally, it may be because you are actually not available emotionally for a relationship. You have to be open yourself to take the risk, a wise risk with someone who respects your boundaries, to be open and intimate with someone.

[chr8st8na]

I agree there are commitment phobes out there. Dated two guys 2 years ago (on first dates) and right off the bat you could tell going from their body language, their words (guys will tell you straight up what they are dating for) and yea even if im totally oblivious most times, I can detect a strong sadness. Luckily being more experienced and not wanting to deal with broken ppl after a 1st meet up, i refused to call or text them.

 

Now have relationships with men who are committed prone- the hot and cold guys- I will agree that there are 2 types- the ones that dont want a commitment at all and the ones that are afraid of commitment. either one of these will keep you in a limbo if you enable them- with your time & investment. I was attracted to men who were emotionally unavailable after my 1st ex broke up with me (and I was in love with him)... So yes, me being attracted to hot & cold men were prob because I wanted to know there was an EXIT: one of us will be bound to mess up or both- any way it'll be a good excuse/reason to leave. When you are young, there are a lot of emotionally unavailable men who just want to work hard and play harder.

 

The thing that frustrated me when I was dating before I met my last ex were games... I know dating is all game BUT dating always attracts lots of thrill seekers (lots of casual daters) and these people are usually superficial, self righteous, and risk takers (they like to do things to see what kind of reaction you will give them).

 

That is why now I dont react to anyone's actions or words unless my reactions matches to what my relationship status is with them. If i am dating them and they flake on me for a date- sayanora! If I am in a exclusive relationship with them and they flaked out on me, I would call and ask if everything is ok but keep contacting? nah. If serious relationship, sure ill drp by to chk on you BUT i would think when your in a serious relationship, you wont need to take the extra mile to c why someone is not responding to u. I rather just worry about my actions and not try to decode or psychoanalyze someone's intentions or mindset any more... It's better to just be worry-free what others are thinking or thought about you as a LTR.

[IAmFCA]

This article might help, as it describes attachment theory and how it impacts relationships (link below).

 

I find there are two habits of commitment-avoidant men. One style is to chase me hard, morning texts daily to say hello, evening calls for long conversation, as if I become the focus of their energy. It seems counter-intuitive, but now I understand it and avoid men who seem to want me this badly. The second style is the opposite technique: men who will not chase me at all, seeing if I fall into their laps (the smoking hot ones do this) or if I evaporate away.

 

As a result of these experiences, I view both behaviors as red flags. Both are tools that avoid responsibility for whatever develops between you.

 

link removed

[Sportster2005]

The second style is the opposite technique: men who will not chase me at all, seeing if I fall into their laps (the smoking hot ones do this) or if I evaporate away.

 

link removed

 

I find this comment interesting. I've done this. But I'm not smoking hot. But here are the dynamics. I meet a woman I like. I show interest. They aggressively spurn me. So I don't chase them anymore. Not at all. Nope. But that seems to turn them on, and they chase me.

 

So I'm not being emotionally avoidant. I'm just responding to someone blowing me off. To them maybe it looks like I'm not chasing them waiting for them to fall in my lap. But I'm not. I'm done.

 

What makes me wake up in a cold sweat sometimes is wondering if I mistook something as non-interest. I'm pretty darn sure the women wouldn't be confused about my interest. Anyways, I guess some things aren't what they appear. And at the end of the day, like I said before, I may not understand the interesting dynamics, I don't wasted too much time analyzing it all. Better to 'next' them, then try to understand them.

[IAmFCA]

What makes me wake up in a cold sweat sometimes is wondering if I mistook something as non-interest. I'm pretty darn sure the women wouldn't be confused about my interest. Anyways, I guess some things aren't what they appear. And at the end of the day, like I said before, I may not understand the interesting dynamics, I don't wasted too much time analyzing it all. Better to 'next' them, then try to understand them.

 

Sportster, I am the flip side of this coin, or have been. I am learning, or I think I am, to express interest explicitly.

 

I am accustomed to holding my cards close. I realize that by doing so, I am self-sorting for men who will break through my barrier and chase me hard. If I am going to learn to attract a balanced approach, then I have to be willing to give a little direction. So now, I express it outwardly, and it is rather funny. It sounds just like grade school. "I like you" or maybe "I would like to learn more about you."

 

You are right to "next" them; in my case, you would have "nexted" someone who wasn't ready to own her stuff. Now, I get it: if I want you, I will tell you -- probably, the second chance I get, not the first, just to give you ample chance to show your cards first. I still like to get courted, so I try to give a man a chance to lead. I am not arguing for gender neutrality, but yes, there does have to be a continuing invitation from both sides.

 

My "Gentleman" whom I am currently dating clearly likes me bunches. Even still, he will go dark when it is my turn to ask him out, and wait for me to reciprocate. It takes me a couple of days to figure it out, and then I wake up and get a plan together and ask him out. Its smart that he does this, and it heightens my respect for him.