Btbradshaw Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 G'day all. Married nearly 13 years, 3 kids. Wife cheated 13 months ago, I've been trying to love and trust her again. I do not love her anymore. Had the I want to leave talk. She thinks I can love her again. 13 months of trying, I can't see it. She wants me to give it another 6 months. If after 13 months I still don't love her, what will another 6 months do? I forgive her, but just don't love someone who ripped my heart out. I been there for her thru everything, provided well for us and our family. She thinks I need counselling to get my love back for her. I don't object to counselling, but don't my feeling count? Aren't my feelings about this valid? Who is she to know what I can and do and could feel in the future. Thoughts???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Another 6 months will change nothing. Not sure why she has a voice in this at all. She broke her vows and you have given it a year. Time to find some.peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
offplanet Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 She's got a nerve putting the onus on you to get counseling and to fix things. She's the one who did the damage so what does she expect? She's being unrealistic as well as unfair, because you can't get your feelings back by 'trying', and counseling won't make that happen either. She's the one who needs her head read! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 What do you actually want? I mean honestly. You keep talking about leaving, but it seems that you aren't walking. If you want to leave her, then leave her. Go get a divorce lawyer and have him serve her with her papers. Separate, borrow a friend's couch if you must, but make a decision and get on with it. Right now, it sounds like you keep asking her for permission to leave, she is not granting it, so you keep staying. Which makes me think that maybe a large part of you doesn't really want to leave. If you don't want to leave, again, make the decision to get over this and get past and get on with it. Relationships and marriage aren't all about love and pink clouds and bunnies. That's the fairy tale version. The reality is much harder, darker, and more grim most of the time. Love is a fleeting emotion and commitment is a daily conscious choice. She chose, now you get to make your choice and perhaps redefine how things will be going forward IF you decide to stay. Either way, make a decision, make sure it's what you truly want and move forward in either direction you choose. You can't keep sitting at the crossroads. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I'm sure this will come accross cynical, but I thought she might be asking for the extra 6 months so she can prepare and cover her own ass. For me, the answer is No. I came to understand I can't love someone deeply once they have cheated on me. I always believed cheating to be wrong, then once someone made a choice to cheat on me, I understand too how it really plays out on the emotional level for me. To me, it's the ultimate 'f you' (cheating). It seemed like my love oscillated with hate, and over time, it is becoming more a cool indifference. I'm impressed you are so in tune with your feelings and mature enough to know where you stand with it at 13 months after the fact, and such a serious relationship. Kudos to you. Your feelings do count for something. It sounds like you already know in your heart what you need to do for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shellyf62 Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 My Ex cheated and I know in my heart that I could never trust or love him ever again. He had no say in anything, I threw him out & divorced him 12months to the day. Life has been hard raising my 2 children alone, but I have my self esteem and I can sleep well at night knowing it was the best decision I ever made. You need to leave & start your new life.......best of luck to you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick66 Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 For me, once that trust has been violated it's over. There's a woman out there who will truly love you and won't hurt you by cheating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelty24 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 You need to put your foot down and stop allowing her to call the shots. Tell her you want a divorce, you don't love her anymore and you no longer want to try to work on it because she hurt you too much and tell her that is the end of the conversation-its over! In my honest opinion, cheating is like breaking a vase and then trying to put all the broken pieces back together. It is never the same again after no matter how hard you try to mend it. I think the only reason people stay after is because they go through a grieving process (denial/shock, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) not necessarily in that order but eventually you feel strong again and realize its time to go.. some people get their quicker then others. Some stay and try for the kids or coz it seems too complicated financially etc. I highly doubt anyone stays for the right reasons after infidelity and no matter how happy a couple pretends to be on the outside-I don't think you can ever really get past it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bulletproof Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 I know of two married couples in which there was cheating with a somewhat positive outcome. Both couples said that the cheating forced them to address the issues in their marriages that existed prior to the infidelity. I know other couples that broke up after infidelity. So, I think everyone is different. But in your case, it sounds like your mind is made up, so why stay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capilot Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Counseling for you: NO Counseling for the both of you: YES If she won't go to couple's counseling, then it's time to walk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrinaa Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I have been through this and yes it is possible to love your partner again. But it requires a lot of work. On HER part. What is she doing to help you heal? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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