How do I leave her in the best possible way?

[Btbradshaw]

G'day all.

 

Long story short:

* married nearly 13 years

* she cheated on me

* tried to get past it and love her again

* but after 13 months, I can't.

* I want to leave her.

* we have 3 kids.

 

I've tried to leave 2 times in the past year, but keep giving in because of her crying and begging. I realised it will never be the same again. I've tried everything. It's time to bury this marriage.

 

Ideally I'd like to keep things civil and have shared custody of our boys. If she doesn't quit her job, this will work, because it's basically happening now.

 

I don't want to hurt her by leading her on anymore, thinking things are ok, when they're not. I know she'll cry and beg again, but I need to be strong this time and follow through. For some sort of stability for my kids, I think it's for the best.

 

I'd like some advice on telling its over without hurting her or causing her to get nasty. For the sake of our kids, I'd like to remain friends. I'm sure it can happen.

[Twidom]

Sit down with her and lay the cards. There is no easy way to do this. Stand your ground to the very end.

 

Friends right off the bat won't work...So don't offer that right away. Just say "I hope we can be friends when YOU are ready"

[Ms Darcy]

Best way?

 

1. Contact a lawyer

2. Meet with the lawyer

3. Get advice from the lawyer on how to proceed

4. Follow lawyer's advice

[HeartGoesOn]

It sounds like you gave it your all, and more. That said, very few people can get past infidelity in the long term, and the cheating partner needs to understand that cheating comes with its own consequences. In addition to that it's never a mistake, it's an intentional choice.

 

I'm sure that no matter how you say it, she'll continue to cry and beg, therefore you have no control over her reaction. Keep in mind that she made the choice to betray your trust, not the other way around.

[catfeeder]

I would obtain legal advice, and I wouldn't expect friendship instantly. It may be wise to stay away from any contact with her other than exchanges about the kids until she demo's an inclination toward accepting an olive branch.

 

You write:

Ideally I'd like to keep things civil and have shared custody of our boys. If she doesn't quit her job, this will work, because it's basically happening now.

 

Are you currently living with her, or not? If not, it's an entirely different conversation from one you would have to move out of the home unscathed.

[Mesemene]

I would get legal advice first. Emotional, angry, hurt, furious partners - especially with a boatload of guilt - don't always make the best choices in the heat of the discussion. So talk to a lawyer first and make sure you're not leaving any openings to be used in anger.

 

I have to agree, it won't matter, in the long run, how you say it. So I'd be brief and to the point, don't drag it out. I would tell her you've tried to get past the infidelity, and whether she wants to see the lack in you or her, or split the blame, it doesn't matter. You can't see completely past it, and it will eventually lead to two bitter and resentful adults living with the children if you don't figure out how to separate as civilly as possible now.

 

I would make sure one of you has the availability to move to a friend's, family member's, or a studio or something. The aftermath may make it impossible to share the same residence. So think things out, make sure you've got a safety net and make SURE you figure out how you're going to explain to the kids why you or she are leaving. Worry less about how she will take it. She can put on her big girl pants, she cheated. The kids, however, need to know their dad has already made sure he's thought of how he will stay in their lives, or how he is willing to let mom keep in contact. Put them first.