Catherine_3 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I'm thinking of telling my husband that I'm ok with him seeing other women. We have been married seven years and have 2 kids. We have a great life together, I am in love with him, we have good regular sex (although he wouldn't mind it daily and I'm more like twice a week preference), he is my best friend and I fully expect to grow old together. But if I'm honest with myself, I don't have a real issue with him sleeping with someone else. I feel like monogamy is a bit outdated and I just can't think of a good reason to require him to deprive himself of the wonderful experience of being with someone else. Personally I'm not interested in that so it would be a one way thing. My only request would be that he is safe and responsible. Anyone have warnings for me? Potential down sides that I'm missing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Only downside I can think of is that you'd be extremely hurt/disappointed and possibly devastated and unattracted to him if he actually does this. After you weigh all that out and if you decide you really don't mind, he might be thrilled you offered. I would set some ground rules beforehand like: 1) do you want to know when/with whom/where? or he just has a free pass and doesn't have to report? 2) if you DON'T want to know, will you be able to resist asking if he's home late, disappears on the weekend a bit, etc? 3) if you DO want to know, what details do you want to know? Who he she is? Age? Was it good/exciting? Is she married/single/kids? What does she look like? etc. 4) would it be okay for him to bring women to the house? Where do you think he'll be hooking up with these women? Hotels? Is it okay if he pays for that from his/your money? 5) is it okay for him to hook up with the same woman for a week/month/6 months/a year or longer? Or would you prefer he have random hookups? 6) If he hooks up with someone less than savory who's boyfriend/husband (who he may well not know about) comes to your house looking for him, what will you have in place to protect yourself and your kids? 7) what will you explain to your kids when they eventually realize this is going on? Or if they never find out, what message will you send to them about marriage in general -and do you practice what you preach? 8) What can a hookup look like? Dinner? A movie? Are you okay with him paying for those things? 9) Is there anything not okay regarding where he meets these women? Craigslist? At work? Through friends? 10) If a friend of yours comes to you to say she saw your hubby with another woman, what will you be prepared to say? Those are my top 10 off the literal top of my head. I put zero thought into that and could have 100 more in the next 10 minutes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Well if your husband cherishes the marriage he has now with monogamy being a part of that, your offer will demonstrate to him you don't view your relationship in the same way and he may decide you aren't capable of meeting his needs any longer based on your changed values. If my wife came to me with this I'd ask her to either go to therapy to figure out where this came from or leave her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 11) will you start using protection just incase? what if he uses condoms but it falls off? 12) how many days a week/month is this okay for him to do? 13) what if you start to not like it? Will you expect him to stop? 14) what if he says you can sleep with other guys too? How will that make you feel? 15) is there anyone out of bounds....friends/co-workers/neighbors? 16) what if he is suddenly in a fabulous mood once he's getting it front left and center? How will that make you feel? 17) If he "learns" something and wants to try it on you, is that okay? 18) what if a girl starts having feelings for him and texting him/calling the house? How will you deal with that? 19) what if he starts having a crush/infatuation? How will you deal with that? 20) what kind of crazy woman would voluntarily sleep with a married man? This is who you're inviting into your lives and possibly your kids' lives. My husband had an affair with a married woman and honestly the only thing I cared about was that this man wasn't going to show up at my door with a gun while my toddler and I were home. I'd be super cautious about that one in particular. Its really opening Pandora's box in terms of what to expect and really inviting a lot of drama and chaos into your lives. I'd consider carefully all the points above. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorshammer Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Oooo, i had to reread what you wrote... i thought you said you wanted to do that. Well, my ex mentioned that to me once because our sex-life was weird. That actually made me feel threatened, and i was on my toes after she said it. I grew jealous and i didnt want her going out dancing or with other guys. I flat-out said no and waited to read what she meant by that - i was expecting her to say "well, its because i want that". Plus, why not work on building sexuality with him instead of him screwing other women, condoms can still give you herpes and warts, why put yourself to those problems for his thrill? What about his confidence? Are you trading his high sexuality and giving it away to other women because you cant "go" as much as he does? if i was him i would have been a bit disappointed. I would be careful about how you word this. This is a serious decision where everything you say should be carefully planned out to avoid any confusion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zuri Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Is this something that would turn you on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelty24 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Did he ask your permission for this?? I don't understand why you would be okay with this? It makes no sense to me.... i am a woman with a high sex drive. Happily have sex at least 4-5 times a week. Instead of telling him to have sex with others. Why not experiment and spice it up? Like try new positions. Figure out your gspot, nipple orgasms.. hell even try anal. Ive never done that or want to but would rather it then him f**king others if you really think monogamy is "outdated" then why do you only want him sleeping with others and not you too?? I would just describe this as a lazy wife gone off sex who doesnt want to fix it.. men do not crave sex with others just for the sake of it. When they have affairs its usually coz there is something lacking like emotional connection or coz they feel unloved, unwanted, unattractive.. not coz they just want sex and why would you put yourself at risk of stds or a pregnancy or him falling for someone and leaving you.. do you still love him? I love my man and the thought of him being with someone else-i could not handle that at all. It makes me seriously doubt your love for this man Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 If he's not asking you to do this then you can assume that he is not interested in having multiple sex partners. If he wanted it that badly he either would say something or you would be able to tell that he was unsatisfied. I agree with all the downsides Savignon posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Well if your husband cherishes the marriage he has now with monogamy being a part of that, your offer will demonstrate to him you don't view your relationship in the same way and he may decide you aren't capable of meeting his needs any longer based on your changed values. If my wife came to me with this I'd ask her to either go to therapy to figure out where this came from or leave her. I agree with this. I feel that if he was into having more sex HE would be the one raising this idea to you. As to potential downside? He falls in love with one of his many "ladies on the side" and divorces you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelty24 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I would say have more sex with him instead of over-complicating everything and bringing all sorts of hurt and drama into your lives.. a healthy couple has lots of sex even if that means taking the time to get in the mood. There are times im not in the mood and he will put me in the mood through foreplay.. or vice versa I dont understand how couples get to this stage tbh... if i were a man i would not marry someone who has little interest in sex.. theres plenty women with a high sex drive. I love sex especially since he found my gspot and our new years resolution is to figure out multiple.. if things have gone stale or boring then spice it up. Dont push him into the arms of another or else he WILL fall for someone else and he WILL leave you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Seems like you have this idea that you'll stay happily married while some other woman takes care of his sexual needs so you don't have to. The pretty obvious problem with that is that he is liable to develop a bond and feelings with her and leave you for her. Assuming that he doesn't get freaked out and completely disgusted with you at the suggestion in the first place. In that respect, you know him better than anyone here in terms of how he feels about monogamy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Nope. If you want to stay married, you do not allow your husband to have sex with other women. The other woman is not a faceless, nameless person. She is a person with feelings and may seriously pursue him. Or you will start to notice that he doesn't share his intimate feelings with you anymore and eventually out of convenience introduces her to the kids. If you want to keep your family - do not do it. You are not prepared for the jealous feelings you will have. If you want it twice a week and he wants it more - doesn't mean he wants it with another woman. Why not compromise and try to have sex, say three times a week? Or make it a point to go on getaways without the kids once in awhile? Every guy would like it more. It doesn't mean they want another woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 The downside is that you don't know how you will feel about it until it happens. And then it's too late to take back. There's also the pain of watching him go on dates with someone (because it's not like ringing a professional and getting an appt.). The risk that he falls in love with someone else and leaves you. The risk he falls in love with someone else and wants to stay with you both. The risk that he gets her pregnant. The risk that he isn't as clean and safe as you trust him to be. Honestly, I have never seen someone in a long term relationship open it up successfully. That seems to be something that works only when it's done from the start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine_3 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 It's not an issue of mismatched sex drive. I don't know why I put that in there, just to give context I guess. I love sex and I'm totally into it. I have no problem even increasing the frequency, it's the kids that prevent that. He hasn't expressed any dissatisfaction. With respect to the idea of him developing feelings for her, I would think that would be the point. I guess I'm approaching it from a woman's point of view but to me the feelings come first and the sex after. So I told him I didn't want him trying to pick up girls on the Internet or in bars or anything sleazy but if he happened to meet someone one day and he was into her, I would be fine with him getting with her, but I didn't want to find out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Why do you want your husband to develop feelings for someone else? Are you looking for a way of getting away from his attention? If my spouse told me out of the blue that it was ok to date someone, I would be so hurt by that. I'd also wonder if she had a boyfriend and was trying to offset guilt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 It's not an issue of mismatched sex drive. I don't know why I put that in there, just to give context I guess. I love sex and I'm totally into it. I have no problem even increasing the frequency, it's the kids that prevent that. He hasn't expressed any dissatisfaction. With respect to the idea of him developing feelings for her, I would think that would be the point. I guess I'm approaching it from a woman's point of view but to me the feelings come first and the sex after. So I told him I didn't want him trying to pick up girls on the Internet or in bars or anything sleazy but if he happened to meet someone one day and he was into her, I would be fine with him getting with her, but I didn't want to find out. So he is not dissatisfied with sex --- but you are telling him to go meet someone? Could you please share your motive for wanting him to meet someone other than your idea that "monogamy is outdated." HE might not think so. HE might want to be faithful, as he pledged when he married you. I understand people are out there who don't "believe" in monogamy- but then those folks don't do the thing that is the most monogamous thing you can do - get married. Anyway - I think that there is potential, like agent said, for your husband to be hurt by being told he should meet someone OR think you are baiting him/testing him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine_3 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 I don't necessarily want him to develop feelings for someone else but I also don't necessarily want him to close himself to that experience just because we decided to spend our lives together. I feel like that part of you doesn't die just because you're married. I think it's one of those things you can't explain. You either get it or u don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine_3 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Probably the reason he's not all shocked and shaken is that we have talked before about having a 3some with a woman one day. Also he knows me better than anyone in the world and he gets me, he knows I'm confident and missing the jealous gene. He definitely didn't seem hurt or shattered or ready to divorce me, lol. He was like "ok, that's quite liberating but you know I would never want to do that anyway" and I was like "uh huh" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I don't necessarily want him to develop feelings for someone else but I also don't necessarily want him to close himself to that experience just because we decided to spend our lives together. I feel like that part of you doesn't die just because you're married. I think it's one of those things you can't explain. You either get it or u don't. Well....isn't marriage about that very thing - being intimate with that one and only person? And when he married you he decided he was done looking? The part of you who thinks another girl is cute doesn't die when you are married, but lots of people just don't feel the urge to develop an emotional partnership with someone else. They have chosen their partner. I think it is dangerous to go into this because of a philosophical idea you have that your husband might not share. Honestly, at the root of this -- do you not want to be married and encouraging your husband to cheat is a way to end it? So what happens if he has these feelings for someone else - he is going to want to go to her and be with her only. No woman would put up with being second fiddle to a wife. You truly are asking for your family to break up. i "get it" = but that philosophy does't work in a marriage. It might work in a dating relationship where the two people drift away and come back time and again but not with children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Probably the reason he's not all shocked and shaken is that we have talked before about having a 3some with a woman one day. Also he knows me better than anyone in the world and he gets me, he knows I'm confident and missing the jealous gene. He definitely didn't seem hurt or shattered or ready to divorce me, lol. He was like "ok, that's quite liberating but you know I would never want to do that anyway" and I was like "uh huh" Good for him. Now knowing he is not interested, will you respect his choice on the matter? It seems that saying you talked about a threesome is proof that "uh huh" you don't believe he won't do it. The threesome is a fantasy at this point that has not been accomplished and that is something where YOU are there too. Which is a huge difference to him. He would be experiencing that WITH you. though a threesome changes relationships, too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 When did you tell him he can go out and sleep with other women? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine_3 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Good for him. Now knowing he is not interested, will you respect his choice on the matter?too I have no intention of bringing it up again and I don't necessarily expect him to either. But he now knows I'm ok with it. Thanks everyone for the input, especially Sauvignon. Super helpful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmnyc5052 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 That was very generous of you to offer up such a thing, and kudos to you because even if I could summon the lack of jealousy gene I don't even know if I could do that. I think the thing you must consider is that often, when people become intimate, especially on more than one occasion, emotional feelings develop. It's scientifically proven - you have an enormous physical experience with another human, exchange biological "matter" and eventually you feel more than physically connected. Feelings develop. It won't always be just a side piece. So, I think if you went through with this and he ever did decide to take you up on it, you should set some kind of rule that it shouldn't be with the same person over and over again because that will leave a huge dent in your relationship, stability and emotional-wise, and it could easily deteriorate. Just my two cents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iggles Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 But if I'm honest with myself, I don't have a real issue with him sleeping with someone else. I feel like monogamy is a bit outdated and I just can't think of a good reason to require him to deprive himself of the wonderful experience of being with someone else. Personally I'm not interested in that so it would be a one way thing. How about that you're husband may not be able to separate sex and emotions. Meaning, he could develop feelings for his new sex buddies and leave you for one. Why open that can of worms? What's really driving this? Is he pushing for more sex than you're willing to provide? Instead of inviting outside people into your marriage, why not try to work out a compromise you'd both be happy with in regards to sex? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine_3 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 No deep hidden underlying issues here. I simply see the world differently from other people. I'm use to people not getting me but then I've also been highly successful in other areas of my life precisely because I see things differently and feel little need to compromise to fit other people's world view. I get that there are risks but then I also think there could be potential risk mitigation. Maybe it prevents us divorcing due to infidelity or prevents him from having some wacky mid life crisis. And I'm not saying those are my motivations, just that the risks could be downside or upside. And if he falls in live with someone else and leaves me, then good for him. If that's what makes him happy, life goes on. I mean, I'm fully committed to supporting him and making him happy and looking hot and being confident and successful and making him my number 1 priority in life. I would rather keep him happy than keep him trapped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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