The Diary that Talks Back

[mhowe]

If the investments are not retirement investments, then the interest and dividends is taxed yearly.

And since your husband was not employed for a long time --- that means he wasn't adding to retirement or investments and your salary was keeping the

family floating.

 

It is a lofty goal --- but it is completely unrealistic.

 

If you are taking money out for pension, if your bracket is higher, all of that impacts what you can set aside from your take-home toward savings.

 

I understand the concepts. I am an investment advisor.

[Catherine_3]

Thanks for your input. It's definitely a lofty goal but, like I said, the math does work. We work closely with our investment advisor.

 

Also my husband's severance was equal to several months' pay so we weren't technically out of pocket for that. But we did decide it was prudent to absolutely pull back on all discretionary spending just due to the uncertainty, which was why we didn't decorate our house, etc.

[Catherine_3]

One thing is for certain - if I get this new job, reaching that goal will be a lot easier!

 

My potential future boss just sent me a note that he's proceeding with references. Hopefully this is a good sign.

[mhowe]

I guess I am confused --- if your husband got a severance package equal to a few months pay, and you have investments --- how is it that your house

has been unfurnished for a year, and that you have cut down on all non-essential expenditures, including you getting your hair done?

[Catherine_3]

Oh man, it's complicated. I can see why it would be confusing to read, because when I'm writing on here it's more of personal journaling and I'm not necessarily approaching it from the perspective of explaining the complete situation.

 

I don't mean to mislead you though.

 

So when we got the severance package, we took a risk and invested it. Many factors came together to make that seem like the right choice. We fully expected him to be back working in no time. Once the months started dragging on, I became terrified of going further into debt and started panicking. I would wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to get back to sleep. I'd never been stressed about finances in my life until then. So my reaction became quite extreme, in terms of really cutting down all unecessary spending. Then I came to realise that I was going too far.

 

I was raised by a single mom so we lived a very frugal, though fulfilling life. (For example, we had trips to Europe and we went to live theatre, but we never had expensive toys/clothes/electronics, etc.) That's how I also like to raise my kids. Even if we have money, I want them to live simply and only buy what they absolutely love or need. Not just accumulating a bunch of crap that just clutters their life with junk and debt.

 

My husband is very different. The way he was raised, you had to have the most expensive cars, clothes, biggest house, etc.

 

So that's why you'll probably see a huge disconnect in my posts. All the cars, the house, etc. is all stuff my husband pushed for. The extreme frugality, savings, investment, etc. is all driven by me. In the end, I think we make a pretty good team.

 

As far as the home, it's furnished with our old furniture from our previous, much smaller home. So it's not like we're sitting on the floor. But the furniture doesn't quite fill or match the new home. Sorry if that was misleading.

[Catherine_3]

Aaaahhh!!! When my potential boss notified me that he would be checking references, I wrote back and asked whether I was the only candidate for which they were proceeding with references. He responded that as long as my references come back positive, they will be making me an offer! They have another internal candidate as a second choice.

[Catherine_3]

I was reading somewhere that sometimes married couples can start overcompensating for one another financially when you have a spender and a saver. The more she cuts spending, the more he feels he needs to spend to compensate. And the more he spends, the more extreme she becomes in cutting spending. It eventually spirals out of control.

 

I could see that potentially happening with us. And these past few months actually made me realise that I have the potential to become abnormally frugal. I could become so traumatised by his spending/debt that I start having mental health issues, like on Extreme Cheapskates. So I realised that we should figure out how to complement each other, not work against each other. And I've forced myself to let go a bit and spend on myself.

 

So I bought shoes. And really hot pants. And I'm feeling healthier for it.

[mhowe]

No need to worry...your other postings were indeed contradictory.

 

However....if your advisor encouraged you to invest his compensation package when he was unemployed for an unknown period of time...you might consider changing advisors. That was very poor advice.

[Catherine_3]

lol, I have an advisor. I don't necessarily take all his advice.

 

oh well, live and learn...

[mhowe]

lol, I have an advisor. I don't necessarily take all his advice.

 

oh well, live and learn...

 

That would explain a lot! Lol.

[Catherine_3]

I've now received another offer which would be a bit of a pay increase (12-15%) as opposed to the other offer (65% increase over my current pay). But this new offer would be fewer hours (just a simple 9-5 with a LOT of flexibility). The previous offer would have been more interesting, technical work. But this new offer is also really exciting, but in a less technical way. More like wading through political bs. But a new challenge. I'm leaning toward accepting the new offer. I need this time with my kids while they're small.

[Catherine_3]

My weekend was lovely. Saturday night I went out with some friends. I got a ride so I was able to enjoy a few glasses of wine. The other ladies are all stay at home moms. I don't feel comfortable talking about my work, so none of them really know what I do or at what level. My profession is quite a niche thing so it's not like being an accountant or a lawyer where you can tell people what you do and they understand. They all hang out during the day, at their childrens' gymnastics classes or dance classes, or just going for lunch, etc. But the ones who care about me (the real friends) still manage to make time to have me in their lives. For example, I have dinner every Wednesday with a friend and her toddler. Sometimes our husbands will join us but usually just moms and kids. Then there are the moms who seem like they're not quite comfortable with their own choices because they'll make insensitive comments, like "oh, did you have to work today?" (The implication being that working was something I had to do, instead of something I passionately wanted to do.) or "I quit my job because I wanted to raise my own kids". But the ones who are more secure with their own choices don't feel the need to say those things, and those are the ones I'm close with. We support each others' choices.

 

Saturday our family participated in a sport, which I'm hesitant to state since it will probably give away my location. Sunday my toddler and I went shopping for "big girl panties". They were difficult to find since she's so small. But we finally found them and, omg, they're so adorable on her little bum!! Then I took the girls bowling. In the evening, my mother-in-law and I went to get pedicures.

 

I still don't know which choice to make. My (current) boss actually seems to be encouraging me to leave our employer and take the higher paying position. She says it makes her look really good, that her staff who she hired and mentored, moved on to such a senior position so quickly.

 

I honestly can't believe that at the age of 32 I'm being offered a position at this level. Even if you're 40 years old in this role, people are looking at you going "wow, how did they do it?!"

 

It's almost isolating. I'm just glad I have all my mom-friends who don't know much about my career and don't care. Otherwise, it can be very lonely rising so quickly. I don't like to make people feel bad by association to me. That's why I loved my boss's response. I want people to feel proud of me, to take credit for my success. My family all feel like I abandoned them and like I'm in this other world that they'll never be a part of. I wish my mom would take credit, because at the end of the day, everything I am is because of how she raised me. But I don't think she'll ever see it that way. And my husband is in the same field as me. We'll always be competition at the end of the day. I wonder how my daughters will feel. I want them to feel inspired by me.

[Catherine_3]

I've accepted the offer at the other company. My boss started to cry as we were discussing end dates, my replacement, etc. She didn't really cry but basically ended the conversation and got up and left, saying she was going to cry. So sweet.

 

A new chapter begins..

[Catherine_3]

I now have a reading room in my home. Until yesterday, it was just a room with loads of bookshelves and a little desk. I put a cozy sofa in and decorated it nicely. I think it's my new favorite room in the house.

 

Over the weekend I was contacted by a company in the Middle East with a job offer. My husband and I are actually considering it. We started a family so young and never really had a chance to travel and be adventurous like we would have wanted to. We moved around a lot, and we've vacationed... But we feel like our cookie cutter life out in the suburbs is a bit uninspired. It could be like a 2 year vacation somewhere warm. It probably doesn't make sense though. Would we sell our homes? Would this knock us off our long term financial plan? What about our pensions? Would we lose those 2 years of service? It probably won't make sense once we sit down with all the information and really consider it. But it's an exciting idea right now and we're open to looking into it.

 

Last night I had mashed sweet potatoes with melted butter and boursin cheese, topped with pecans. It was so good. I had it with baked cod filet and steamed broccoli with cheddar cheese. Yum. Yum.

 

The weather is finally warming up. Still a bit windy and chilly but it's sunny so as long as you dress appropriately, it's fine. We've been going for long walks every day. Often my baby falls asleep in the stroller and we keep walking and walking into the evening.

 

Ok, those are my random thoughts for the day.

[Catherine_3]

My first post in 7 months. A lot happens in 7 months.

 

The new job is wonderful. I miss my old colleagues, although we do stay in touch on a regular basis. My new team is very introverted, which made the transition a bit hard for me

I was just a bit lonely at work, but now I have relationships built up.

 

My in laws left and won't be coming back for at least some time. We need the space.

 

Autumn is my favorite time of year. I get a deep excitement, like there's some wonderful secret that's about to be revealed. My theory is that it's the compilation of wonderful Christmas memories creates a ghost of excitement that lives inside me.

 

I still don't know why I gained the weight and can't lose it. I thought it was depression but I haven't been depressed for months and I've been eating well and staying active but can't lose a single pound. I've always been good at controlling my weight so I'm thinking maybe it's caused by something. I'm considering going odd birth control. Maybe the hormones...

[Catherine_3]

I've taken a few days off work. I'm feeling good. I was depressed over the winter and into the spring and summer probably. It was a new experience for me, as I've never been depressed, at least not since my teens. And that was different.

 

It feels good coming through the other side.

 

I've been practicing doing less, working less hard, delegating... it's been healthy. I'm hooked on a new TV show, and watching TV is rare for me. I can't normally sit still long enough.

 

My toddler is so lovely to spend time with. I just love hugging her or playing with her and just staring at her cute face. She makes me laugh countless times each day. It's so fun being a parent and knowing that these days are what will become the infinite, timeless childhood memories for these girls. The pure joy that they get from just being alive and loved and secure.

[Catherine_3]

Lately I've been working out while watching my show. Who would have thought that t.v. was the answer to getting more exercise? Maybe I should get a treadmill and become hooked on t.v.

 

So maybe a post gossiping about my friends today.

 

One of my friends in my friend-group recently moved back to her home country. Left her husband, took their child, and went home. It shook all of us up. Breakups will do that, but this was especially shocking since we all used to think she had the cutest, most romantic relationship. You could see the passion. Then for a couple of months she started talking about some of the classic novels she was reading, and how she compared to various female characters, and I could see she was unhappy and trying to figure out what kind of woman she was going to be in her own story. Then suddenly she tells us she has a one-way ticket home. It's over. You have to admire how decisive she was. But we all feel really sad for her husband.

 

So we're missing her. Before she left, she told me I was her best friend. It broke my heart to think that we may never see each other again. We used to really enjoy hanging out - seeing great music like jazz and blues, going to the art gallery, taking road trips with our kids, talking about books and chess..

 

Then I have another friend, who I've known about 6 months. She is married with two kids. And apparently she is in love with me. The whole thing really throws me off. First of all, she would be way out of my league. Second, I'm definitely not into women. Third, we're married and our husbands have also become friends. She's really quirky and I adore her as a friend. SHe and her husband are smart and cultured. They talk about cultures, history, anthropology... The history of food and languages... My my, you can't make this stuff up.

 

I have another friend, let's call her Jessica, who is a stay at home mom and has a nanny. Over the weekend I had a couple of other friends over to play poker and drink wine. They were talking about Jessica, saying why would you ever have a nanny if you're a stay at home mom. I thought it was pretty judgemental, and probably coming from a place of jealousy. Jessica is a very hands-on, dedicated parent. It's not as if she's leaving her children and going to the spa all day. If she can afford to have a nanny, why not? Being a stay at home mom is hard! Especially when you've got a massive home to keep clean. And you want to have your own interests and activities as well (just like any mom).

 

We strongly considered getting a nanny over the summer. We even had one who was going to move in, but then she flaked out at the last minute. I'm glad we didn't. I love having my home as a private place without the complication and drama of bringing in someone else. And I love keeping my home clean and cooking and caring for my family. On the other hand, I love a super clean home. And I do a pretty good job. But when I don't get home until 6:45 every evening, there's a lot of damage my family can do in the meantime (read: boots and backpacks scattered, dirty pots, carpet stains) and it would be awesome to have help some days.

[BigKK]

I used to watch sports or TV shows I was hooked on my treadmill while doing incline walking... I was able to do 2 hours at a time, if my mind gets drawn in, it's easy. If I am just staring at the wall, hitting 15 minutes makes my mind bleed thinking about it.

 

A friend is in love with you? Do you do anything about it, or just keep it as a secret

[Catherine_3]

A friend is in love with you? Do you do anything about it, or just keep it as a secret

 

I told my husband about it. He finds it amusing but certainly isn't concerned. I'm not sure what else to do. I've never been in this position. She is a bit overwhelming, texting me often and wanting to see me frequently, which I just can't manage. But our husbands get along really well. So I don't necessarily want to end our friendship, but it's certainly peculiar.

[Catherine_3]

I attended an interesting baby shower recently. It was more like a spiritual ceremony - kind of hippy-ish, combining various ancient traditions. But it was lovely. I'm lucky to have such interesting friends.

 

Then we went to a child's birthday party. I just sat there and laughed because everyone was yelling about politics and social issues. We have weird friends...

 

So I'm getting more comfortable in my skin. I feel like, in order to move ahead in my career and expand my support network of friends I've placed pressure on myself to be more talkative. However, I'm realising that I'm at a point where I don't have to do that anymore. The stage I'm at in my career, I'm already in upper management. So I don't have to yell to be heard. And the execs at my company actually are introverts - shy and very intellectual. I guess that's what inspired me to embrace my inner introvert. However, I'm far more outgoing than them. I guess I am confident and friendly and joyful, so it's easy enough for me to disguise as an extrovert. But then once you have credibility and respect, and once you have established friends who love you... it's ok to be quieter. as long as my words are thoughtful and well intentioned, I think it's ok.

 

So that's my new progression I guess.

[Catherine_3]

Last night I dreamed that I had some people over, including a guy I liked. But as the night progressed, he realised I was poorly dressed and unattractive. So he liked someone else instead. Then I went to a party and had coke, but I didn't have fun. And then I went home and tried to smoke a cig but my mother caught me. Then I was designing a home with a glass ceiling because I wanted to hear the rain.

[Catherine_3]

I'm surprised that the Senate shot down Keystone XL today. This thing is just dragging on and on. The current system is not working. I don't know who is right or wrong, or who is to blame. But this shouldn't happen.

 

Im also anxious to see what will happen in Ferguson. I'm hoping there aren't violent riots, and I'm also hoping this will be a watershed event. Man, I would not want to be a black boy in the U.S.

[Catherine_3]

Am I the only one who dislikes the ratings on the journals? I understand other threads buy why do journals need to be rated?

 

I also hate performance ratings at work. I find them dehumanizing. And I don't like giving them out. I know it's just a rating of the person's work and not a rating of them as an individual but still... it's kind of like that website "hot or not" or those professor rating websites. Everything seems to have become a popularity contest.

 

We have some Christmas parties to attend. One this weekend and one next weekend. The one this Friday is supposed to be very formal and over the top. My husband bought me diamonds for Christmas and they already arrived so I'm pretty excited about debuting them. It will be a party with commodity traders. They always know how to party better than anyone. I can't wait. My brother will watch the kids while my husband and I have our night out.

 

I figured out that I need a hobby. Someone recently asked me whether I have any hobbies and I couldn't really think of any. Later, I made a list of my hobbies:

-walking

-gardening

-sewing

-playing the piano

-yoga/meditation (are buddhism and vegetarianism "hobbies"? I thought that might be stretching it)

-playing chess

-swimming accross the lake/paddleboarding

-reading

 

...and then I read the list and realized that I'm either an 85 year old lady, or I'm really, really boring.

 

I also realized that each of those "hobbies" are often more of an obligation. Read so you'll be relevant and smart, meditate so you'll ( healthy, walk so you don't put on weight... they are all so practical.

 

So I resolved to find a hobby which is fun, no obligation, and not the least bit practical.

[Catherine_3]

I was at a conference the past couple days with some colleagues, including a woman who I find fascinating. I drove her home and she lives in my dream building! Our realtor took is to see a loft there, and it was so spectacular. But apparently people with kids live in big homes in the suburbs. Bla. She is single, and very successful in her career we actually have loads in common. It's like she I the single version of me and I'm the married-with-kids version of her.

[Catherine_3]

I think it's funny that as soon as I write about rating journals, mine suddenly gets a rating. Almost creepy, lol.

 

Last night was the Christmas party. It was very formal and I wore my new diamonds. But unfortunately, didn't have a good time. I didn't know a many people as I hoped I would and my husband got drunk. I've only seen him like that once before. He was probably feeling out of his element and drank too much out of nervousness before realizing it.

 

Today I sprained my ankle. Pretty painful now. But we are staying with my brother for the weekend and it's wonderful hanging out with him, going for brunch and dinner and sharing a bottle of wine.