She left me for the second time.. I should not hope, but I cannot stop.

[H3nk1]

I am broken. Here is my story, it is pretty long:

 

 

 

I know I am...just making things worse with hoping for her to return. And she probably will not, ever.

 

I love her. So yeah, I guess I need more reality based input in my current pathetic state. Sorry for being so weak. Or rather wasting your time.

[sharky988]

It's natural to hope for your ex to change her mind after the breakup. And it's natural to be feeling weak and sad and vulnerable, too. Nothing to be ashamed of!

 

It's absolutely NOT a waste of anyone's time to post all you want about yourself and your story! I will admit I was put off reading your original thread because of the length.... although it can be VERY helpful to get it all out and post about it in detail, so good for you!

 

Keep posting and keep reading through other threads.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

[AutumnBorn]

H3, I'm sorry you're hurting. Have you been to a doctor about your depression yet?

 

From your previous post, my comments in parenthesis:

 

 

- I kissed another girl. (Are you kidding me?! A kiss is just a kiss. It's not sex. Forgive yourself immediately.)

- I never tried anti-depressants. (Not too late. Do it for you.)

- I am deeply ashamed about my intimacy issues. The last year/six months together, I withdrew from sex. (Probably due to depression? Anti-depressants may worsen this, so ask your doctor for something that's neutral in the area of sex. Next time you kiss a girl, you might want to do more than kiss a girl and, if she's up for it....)

- I allowed myself to become depressed this autumn. (Depression isn't a decision. It's a physical condition, just like diabetes. Nobody decides to become diabetic.)

- I never dared to be open about my sexual desires. (Oh...you need to get over them and find someone who shares the same desires. Sex is supposed to be fun and fulfilling and can be with the right partner. You need to be open in order to find the right partner. There are people out there looking for the same thing you are.)

- I got stuck in bad modes of thought and I relied to much on her. Became a burden at times. (Have you changed your thought process? You still sound depressed, negative, and down to me. I'm not saying you don't have reason to, but I'm saying that you might want to focus on the positive now. Healing doesn't come from a negative place.)

- I have emotional bagage I still struggle with, which hurt both her and our relationship. (Too heavy to carry? Counseling can help lighten the load.)

- I sometimes got tired from being overly patient and understanding. This made me distant at times, even expressing doubts about us. I quickly saw how the latter contributed to all kinds of bad things. So I stopped completely expressing doubts early in our relationship. (You stopped expressing doubts, but still felt them? You should consider the Law of Attraction which states we bring on what we fear most: spend time and energy on fear of your relationship not working out, you create an atmosphere in which your relationship won't work out. What you dwell on, you create.)

- Work loads from school and work++ took its toll on me. I got severe and chronic pain in my neck for over two years. I sometimes became a toll on her as she worried and I sought comfort. I managed to get better though. (That's good. Sounds like it was extremely stressful. I hope you're taking better care of yourself now.)

 

What about finding a job? That's one thing that can really help you feel better about yourself. It could be a place to focus your attention and energy. It'll help in other areas, as you likely know.

 

Your letter to her was beautiful. Stunningly beautiful.

 

I hope you know that the only way to both win her back and to recover is to move forward. I also hope you waste no time in doing so. Don't look back. Look forward. You told her you wanted her to contact you when she wanted a new start and new relationship. It begins with you, of course.

[H3nk1]

H3, I'm sorry you're hurting. Have you been to a doctor about your depression yet?

 

I hope you know that the only way to both win her back and to recover is to move forward. I also hope you waste no time in doing so. Don't look back. Look forward. You told her you wanted her to contact you when she wanted a new start and new relationship. It begins with you, of course.

 

Thank you very much.

 

I have talked to a doc. I also have a therapist I have seen quite regularly over the years.

 

But this has shattered me at my very core.

 

The last week and a half has been nothing but anxiety, tears and screams. In the midst of, yet concealed for part of my family where I am now.

 

I sit here. Like a ghost. Unable to talk and smile. I pretty much want to die. And that scares me.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree that getting healthy and getting a job are requirements for you. A relationship right now is not.

[H3nk1]

 

Your letter to her was beautiful. Stunningly beautiful.

 

 

Funny you should say that. On ENA the verdict has been pity ridden and desperate.

 

I will write her a final letter in some time. Just to say I forgive her and us. That I will go my own path. And to say thank you. I love her, and if she wants something else for her life, she deserves that. I want her to be happy.

[H3nk1]

Update:

 

I have been NC since Dec 24th.

 

Three days ago she contacted my brother by phone (text), who me and my ex spent alot of good times with him and his family (dinners. vacations, e.g.).

 

He felt it was impossible to answer anything meaningful over text, so he said she could give him a call. She did, and "wanted to wish a happy new year", "wondered how I was", "said she still cared for me, but that the reasonable thing was to break it up", "that it is hard being alone after several years together etc", "many memories and triggers".

 

This happened without me knowing. She said "it was probably best to not let me know she made this contact." To which my brother said that he would indeed let me know.

 

I guess this means nothing. The last time she left, she came back after 4 weeks of NC. "Because she was afraid she would loose me".

 

Probably just her feeling guilty, lonely, whatever, right? Does not mean anything?

 

I am almost tempted to text her to please respect my request for NC unless she wants reconciliation. And that I also mean indirect contact. I do not want her to use my brother to feel less guilty, ease her sense og loss or whatever.

 

But then again, I think the best might just be to let it be and do nothing.

 

God damnit, I hate my brain. Now I feel "better" because this gave me futile hope... Sigh.

 

It is hard not hoping it is more than guilt. Since this BU and aftermath is identical to her leaving 1.5 years ago before returning after me doing 4 weeks of NC.

 

In my current state, I cannot help to hope it is also her missing me, being curious, surprised I do not chase her, are starting to have the same regrets as last time e.g.

 

I know her very well. She lacks maturity in some situations. I have not asked my brother to tell her directly to stop contact. Basically because I want to seem as unaffected as I can be, in addition to that my brother perhaps can tell her things that would make her reconsider with time. She used to baby sit for my brothers family alot, vacations, dinners e.g. I know she adored these times..

 

I know how she always put on a iron mask of strength, rationality and pride when she is under pressure / hurting..

 

Sigh. One of my good friends suggested couples therapy for closure / potential reconciliation. But I am not strong enough for that I think.

[Ms Darcy]

How is getting a job going?

[Brotherhood67]

Your story is quite complex so I'll try to stick to what I understood (so no offense if I lose something down the road ).

 

In my opinion, the first time around, she came back because she was able to feel and realize how life would be without you. 4 weeks is a very short time and I tend to assume she did it out of loneliness (I'm maybe a little blunt !!) and maybe not out of love.

You took her back. By doing that, you showed her that you were capable of accepting almost anything coming from her, including the most difficult thing : a break-up. I believe that, from this point on, she took you for granted and even undirectly persuaded you of this : didn't you feel guilty for everything you did or did not ? Didn't you tell her you had flaws ?

 

Basically and unconsciously (because you made it out of love, I'm quite sure of it !), you told her : "You broke up with me, I'm willing to take you back and EVEN tell you that I'm responsible for it"... Do you see what I mean ? SHE dumped you so don't blame yourself... In a healthy relationship, BOTH share the blame, except for some extreme cases (violence, etc.). You put her on a pedestal and as long as she doesn't step down from it willingly, don't blame yourself : you're just reinforcing your sadness and anger and make it easier for her to process this Break-Up...

 

You did basically the same thing the second time around ant seeing how it turned out, I tend to assume that my theory is quite right...

 

Stick to NC, heal yourself and, in order to make this feeling of guilt go away, you need to FORGIVE her and yourself. I know it isn't easy (understatement of the year !!) but you need to CONVINCE yourself that you don't have to pin this blame solely on you : go see some friends, some family and tell them everything by FOCUSING on facts rather than feelings... Soon enough, I'm sure they will tell you that your story isn't as one-dimensional as you made it sound here. In time, that will help.

 

As for maintaining NC without even telling her, just ask your brother to stop answering her, for whatever reason but mostly because it makes you suffer indirectly

 

Hope this helps !

[H3nk1]

How is getting a job going?

 

Thanks for asking!

 

I have a few applications out. Only very high-level and demanding sort of jobs with government and politics.

 

Honestly, my education and career choices have not made me happy thus far. Albeit it all looks impressive and dandy on paper.

 

So...I am conflicted. My economy is solid despite the new property-mortgage. So I am in not rush financally. I do not know if I will say yes to any job offers now. Both because I am in a horrible shape and mental state these days, and will probably be for some time, and furthermore due to the fact that I feel like I need to make drastic changes in my life.

 

Currently I have enough trying to do the most basic things like eating, sleeping and taking a walk. I am constantly reading ENA and writing on this letter I might never send. But probably will.

 

As you can tell, I am not very fit for fight. And perhaps trying to deal with my deep-seated depression and life choices ought to be prioritised before a job?

 

Thanks again for asking.

[H3nk1]

Thank you very much for your kind words and advice! It is indeed a complex story. And I know there is always two in a relationship.

 

My problem though, remains: She is a wonderful girl. She really did not take me for granted. Not at all. She truly did love me, and showed it. So she is forgiven in total on my part.

 

Rather, it was my depression and intimacy issues which made her leave again. I tried to communicate along the road and be the best I could, yet it became too much for her. And I both respect and understand that.

 

I do want her back I am afraid. I really do. Just as much as I know I need to make myself better now. This time around, it is no longer possible for me to not fully comprehend my need to deal with my issues and get help.

 

And I know she loves me. Yet, for all good reasons, she has no reason to "trust" my endeavour. As I failed once before, when I was still in a form of self-denial about my condition.

 

And this is what is eating me alive. I extinguished the love a fantastic girl had for me. And I know I will love her with all my heart as time progresses.

 

This experience will make me better. I am sure. And I am sure I will never put myself in this hell again. Yet it is limiting comfort in it, as she truly is gone now. A woman I love completely for what she is and ever will be.

[H3nk1]

Short update: I might be in for a new job quickly, from an application sent before she left.

 

Now, there is a problem. I met this woman I love through this very organisation I might now get an offer to work at its very top as an advisor. It plays very well, and certainly gives future opportunities. Yet all my jobs have been like "this". And have left me unfulfilled...

 

Not sure if it due to my own values and interests not mathcing my career, or if it is my depression. Or both.

 

But the real kicker is: I will have to work alongside a few of her close friends... And I might run into her at social events.

 

Damnit, I do not know what I should do. I want her back dearly, and a part of me feels there would be no better way to prove her wrong when she suddenly hears through her friends that I look good, happy and have this prestigous job. She left me at my very lowest (those who have read my story will know I respect her for it), and this could show my real potential and strength.

 

Of course, I would make sure to intensify my therapy and start on anti-depressants while taking on the job..

 

Thoughts?

[H3nk1]

GOD DAMNIT UNIVERSE

 

I was going out to grab something to eat with my brother. I was delayed, so I called him asking where to precisely meet. I heard something was off in his voice, and as I am nearing the area I saw him and a girl.

 

Moving closer I saw it was her.

 

He had followed his son to the train, she was on her way home from work. They ran into each other. I just sat down 20 feet away knees shaking. Decided I needed to face it.

 

My brother left. We sat outside talking. Then grabbed a coffee, both agreeing it was absurd.

 

We talked for nearly two hours. Catched up. She cried a bit. I never broke down. Never begged. Kept my cool, yet was honest - I had to be in my current state - about my feelings. Even got her to laugh alot and feel comfortable. I told her what I had planned for therapy, that I had started on anti-depressants and that this whole break up and horrible year finally got me to a point where I had no choice but to face my innermost demons.

 

Now.. The "problem" is that she said alot of things giving me hope. That she had a horrible time. Did not have any guys around being anything close to my league. That she was afraid to loose me. That she broke up in many ways hoping we could make it work later on. That she found my honesty and truthfulness more attractive than the oposite. That me being me is what she fell for in the first place. I saw how she got a mixture of mad, attracted and frustrated from me doing what she always wanted me to do...

 

She stressed that it might be wise to meet other people even though none of us felt ready. I said she could do what she pleased, but that I would focus on myself and that dating was far down my list of things to do.

 

I said I hated to put myself in a position for her to know "I was there" when she was ready. That I could not agree to meet her "soon" because I would keep hope and stagnate. Hell, she knows me too well anyway. So I could have said whatever. She told me not to worry about that. That it was who I am, and she respects me for it.

 

Well, at least I was honest. I did not break or beg. I sowed all the seeds I could to show her I was serious about getting my self together. Once and for all.

 

I got up, hugged her and left. And somehow I knows she still loves me. I am even convinced she has it a lot tougher than me right now. I could see and feel it as I left.

 

We did not agree on anything, other than to let things be. No contact. I was adamant I had no wish to be together again before we had sorted things out for ourselves. I felt that her issues were still there. I stated clearly I would not take her back before she dealt with her own.

 

So...I guess I should be proud, no?

 

Oh my: Enter hope and back to square one.

[H3nk1]

Slept very poorly.

 

She said every word and expressed every emotion I secretly wished for when I met her. With a few exceptions - like eventually meeting new people (might also have been a test to see where I stood, but I am good at reading her. She wants ego boosts, so I could not say anything else than that I did not feel like even superficially dating, but that she had to do what she had to).

 

I could tell how she fought so hard internally to not promise things or just ask me to come home with her. She had to fight to maintain her position of control. Time and time again she would say "argh, why did you have to realise these things now" in a semi-annoyed yet attracted way. That she almost broke contact all the time. That she had almost come running back like she did the first time.

 

She still does not trust me, which I understand more than well.

 

My head is still spinning...

 

How on earth can I go forward now that she pretty much put me in this state of confirmed limbo? I stated a few times that I would never take her or "old us" back before certainly issues were fixed. Was that too blunt? Since I said I would not take her back in a heartbeat, is it me who must break NC at some point?

 

Today, as I expected, feels like fresh after the BU. My brain got a fix of her, her laugh and her attraction to me..

 

I have these crazy butterflies in my stomach.. Argh

[Ms Darcy]

The danger in getting back together when you miss someone is that you'll end up right back here - dumped again - because the underlying issues were not addressed.

[H3nk1]

The danger in getting back together when you miss someone is that you'll end up right back here - dumped again - because the underlying issues were not addressed.

 

Certainly. I would not reconciliate either if it was not blatantly clear the past would be the past. And certain issues dealt with..

 

I wonder where she in her state of mind.. I guess NC and give her (and myself) space?

[Brotherhood67]

You should indeed be proud of how you handled this meeting.

She sounds and seems like a nice girl, maybe a little lost and overwhelmed by feelings which contradict themselves - I also think that her sentence about meeting other people is indeed some kind of test or simply involves that she still has mixed feelings about your relationship.

 

To be honest, I don't want you to have false hope and can only tell you this : I think the most logical thing to do for the moment is to keep in touch with her (which is not a problemn considering how you too got together last time) but also to focus on yourself. A reconciliation needs to slowly emerge from the ashes of another relationship and is not built using the same mortar as last time around. THIS is when you make mistakes, THIS is when you rush things and, sadly, THIS is when you need to take a deep breath for some time in order to reach the surface and not to sink like last time.

 

Keep her updated on your situation, maybe once or twice a week. Keep it brief and, above all else, try to phone her briefly or to meet her for short periods of time - 30 mins should suffice. This way, there's no risk of taking the "friendzoning highway" and you should be able to meet her more "rationaly" after a few meetings. This could give you enough strength to cool down and analyze the situation with your head instead of your heart (which is a good thing, I guess, but not when driving towards a reconciliation because you'll always have time to develop those feelings once you correctly assessed the situation one meeting at a time).

 

Hope this helps !

[H3nk1]

Hm. Really? Should she not get some time and space?

 

The tension was there to be sure.. Yet she was clear she needed to learn to be alone. And to deal with some of her insecurity. And if we were to meet / date going forward, we should not talk about "other" people. And referred to her best friend saying we should wait a year.

 

The problem is ME! I am in love. How on earth can I move on AND see her? I feel it is like a knife in my heart to imagine seeing her casually.

 

Now I COULD manage to act like the guy she originally fell for. I did yesterday... Yet I would be stuck... I was the one who suggested dating in the near-ish future. But I took this back before I left. Saying that even if we first saw each other over easter, I would stagnate in hope.

 

She was clearly insecure / confused as for what she should do. I also sensed she slightly hesitated and did seem to not want me to wait for her. She is 23, soon 24, I just turned 29. Perhaps she has a bit of GIGS (grass is greener)?

 

I just do not know what to do. Remember, I was the one who turned down seeing each other going forward.. To backtrack on this would be weak / pushy?

 

I need help and advice here.. I am at a true loss.

[Brotherhood67]

I understand your reaction

 

I think I was too quick with my answer.

 

In fact, when I'm speaking of "keeping in touch", I wanted to stress out the importance of blowing off some steam between you too, keeping your relation friendly but nowhere as profound as it once was : that's why I was also referring to another crucial point about keeping it short. I'll explain why.

 

Before that, just someting coming from my experience. Before being married and before creating the other topic on that subject you know so well (;-)), when I was around 20-ish, I dated a girl for about 1,5 years. This relationship was mighty fine but that was it. Mighty fine. There was no passion or love emerging from my side, only the kind of attachment you develop towards someone who you respect and like to be with. To be honest, I think I was not emotionaly "experienced" enough to make it something some significant so, after 1,5 years, I ended it as best as I could - I was beginning to feel guilty about sleeping with her knowing that she really loved me. In the end, I told myself "stop this or you'll regret it later and, furthermore, you'll break her heart even more if you stay with her longer, and you'll suffer... I tried to soften this break-up the best I could (Is it really possible anyway ?) and tried to be as respectful and kind as I could. She cried a lot, begged, etc. but I stood still, listening to everything she wanted to tell me and answering all her questions the best I could. Although I tried to act the best I could, I left her really heartbroken. She followed me for years and I always tried to limit contact (always answering, though) because I knew that she suffered everytime she tried to keep in touch with me.

 

So, when does it get closer to your story ? You see, 1 year after our BU, she moved to Paris to study european law. I didn't see her for 3 consecutive years. After that, I was REAAAAAALLY stressed out when she contacted me, remembering everything (I was already with my ex-wife, though not married). I realized that not seeing her during all this time made me "phantasize" about the day whe would meet again because our relation just kind of "froze" in the same state that when I ended it. And it was the same for her.

 

I finally met her (already really in love with my wife...) in Paris during one of my travels and my god !!! I just saw the exact same girl I left this day and after about 15 minutes, she began to cry and beg just like 3 years before. She never healed from our BU and was so stressed out that all of her emotions exploded at the same time, like a 3-years countdown bomb. Suffice it to say, I realize that in order to diminish this feeling - when the brain starts making too many "what if scenarios", we should have kept in touch, even for a minimum amount of contacts. Without that, she kept on idolizing me and this led to this complete mess... (we now have LC together, she is happy and has found a very nice boyfriend - who I presented to her !! ).

 

Do you see where I went there ? I was just giving you some advice about dodging this kind of scenario. Of course, when I said 1-2 times a week, it was maybe too much (it is for you to decide) but the idea is this : that you begin to see her rationaly and assess the situation without using too much of your heart and, in some kind of way, to let her do the same - don't forget that in my story, I was equally stressed out when she contacted me and, honestly, it was VERRRRY hard to commit myself to see her again...

 

Hope this helps

[H3nk1]

Thank you!

 

I am just so raw emotionally. I love her dearly, and I am unsure whether my heart can take it... Then again, becoming stuck in time is not something I want. But I fear it!

 

Though the consensus on ENA is to "move on" and keep NC / let them contact you.

[Brotherhood67]

Thank you!

 

I am just so ras emotionally. I love her dearly, and I am unsure whether my heart can take it... Then again, becoming stuck in time is not something I want. But I fear it!

 

Though the consensus on ENA is to "move on" and keep NC / let them contact you.

 

I understand this consensus because, to be honest, it is pretty damn effective in order to heal and focus on yourself. But it contradicts my experience more than once

 

I'm not really fond of "extreme" behaviours - staying in NC for the sake of staying in NC. Don't forget that when you stay in NC, your ex doesn't know what you're doing and if you're not "prepared" to see her once again, you'll probably have problems with this emotional pressure.

 

For me, NC, LC, moving on are one and the same : ways of blowing off some steam and give an opportunity for your brain to truly function at his 100%.

 

Moving on is something your brain needs to process and, in my opinion, staying friendly with someone and not freezing everything (especially when your SO doesn't leave you for someone else...) is also an effective way of proving that you changed, especially for you. It gives you confidence... After all, there's quite a difference between someone who is an emotional mess and a friendly one And at the end of the day, don't you think that there's some pride around the corner when telling yourself that you managed to see her without exploding ? I tend to think that this gives strength !

 

You just need to focus on which way to use in order to let your brain move on. Whatever works for you

[H3nk1]

Thank you friend. I appreciate your view.. In many ways I agree. It is the emotionally healthy thing to do perhaps. Yet I am quite far from healthy heh.

 

I need to take a breather and give myself a bit of time first.

 

What do you say mhowe? Your womanly wisdom is needed...