Married for 6 months and want a divorce already

[Disappointed99]

I'm going to try and summarize this as much as possible - sorry about the lengthy read.

 

I'm 28 and got married 6 months ago to a guy my brother set me up with. The guy is 28 aswell and easily checks off the list of a prospective. Handsome, educated, etc. His father owns a well known transportation company and is known for being very self-respecting. We both lived in different countries but my father insisted he moves to our place since I'm the only daughter and with all the bull goin on in the world they wanted me to be close. Anyways, At first he behaved all nice and did what husbands usually do. Take you out, try to balance time with his family and friends and you. Apologized and asked to bear with him since everyone had come down for the wedding from all over the globe. He would go out with his friends till 4 am sometimes saying they all want to spend time with him since he'll be moving to my city in 3 weeks. So I dint think much of it and was busy trying to gel with all his siblings and parents. They're a family of 11 kids n I was there for a brief period only. All was fine until I flew out a week before him since my family had arranged for a dinner in my hometown and I had to be here for final touches and arrangements. My husband dint bother calling or texting me the whole time! Not one call/text. Which I found odd cuz he would be stuck to his cell fone all the time , even in bed. And it had been just 3 weeks since we got married. I fell terribly sick as soon as I got here and my mother told him to call and check up on me, he dint. He comes here and behaves like nothing happened. He couldn't comprehend y I was so mad. He would run out to see his college friends , who happen to work in my city ,almost daily. He wouldn't even try to get to know me. I was just there. Since he's new here we're living at my parents house until he can afford his own place. The first thing he points out wen he moved in was why was my room bigger than my brothers. Why is it tht just cuz I'm a girl I get everything . He even had issues with wedding presents and why were most of them to me? I can't comprehend his thinking. What kind of man does tht?! We weren't well acquainted before we got married so I had asked for time before we could consummate our marriage. He was fine with it the first day, second day got angsty and couldn't understand what the fuss was about, third day forced himself on me. I dint tell my family till recently what had happened tht week. My dad took him into our family business. This guy just goes to work sits on his chair - does nothing but surf the web or chat with God knows who and comes back. It's been 5 months since he started work and question him on y he isn't actually doing anything - he comes up with excuses of I don't understand the work, no ones teaching me, blablabla! But when it comes to pay day he finds it offensive tht his salary be reduced for any reason. When I get mad and ask him how could he possibly accept a pay check for something he isn't doing he goes yes I feel bad too. He spent grands on himself and his friends buying branded clothes and shoes but dint bother getting me anything until 2 weeks ago on my bday ( and that too cuz I had completely stopped talking to him for more than a month) I asked him to join the gym cuz he's grown a gutt the size of three watermelons. ( when I had met him before marriage he was in amazing shape) He dint till a month ago and a few weeks ago my mom saw his gym bag near the staircase the Tym he said he was goin to the gym and was gone for 2 hrs. When I confronted him he goes I hadn't gone to the gym I went to the store to get fone credit bt got locked out since our driver was out with my mom. I asked him y dint he call me to open the gates , he goes I forgot my cell in the gym bag, here's the thing - wen my mom showed me the gym bag tht day I had hidden it just to see wht this guy would do and dint return it till I confronted him 5 days later. Omg the lies!!! Thers no end to his lies! And he's so stupid to keep at it cuz I catch his bluff all the ing time!! I told him I had hidden the bag before he got home, so how the does he have his fone ? He goes uhhhh I might've kept it in the room.. *facepalm* He sneeks out to see his friends which is so weird! My father got sick of his lazy attitude towards work and cut his salary down to just 1k a month. The guy still hasn't changed his ways. His family keeps forcing me to move out of my parents home but how the hell am I sposed to when the guy clearly doesn't want to do anything! He throws as attitude evrytime I ask him to help out with the house chores or ing hell wash his own bathroom. The only credit I can give him right now is he started cleaning up after himself instead of leaving a mess for me to sort. I got sick of him and just plain out asked why the did he even marry me - what was his Thot process and he goes well nothing - ( how is that an answer?!) - then he goes well ur mother kept saying how you guys had a lot - and I asked him a lot of what? He goes I don't know but that's what she kept saying even when my sister pointed out tht I was financially Independent yet. I asked my mother and she called his bull. O btw he's close to my mom, which I needed cuz she doesn't keep well I needed a guy tht got along with her. This is why I had tried to bond with this lying son of a despite all his bull cuz I dint want to live in regret of I dint give it my all- he constantly nags of being bored - I try to do some activity with him he plays along for 20 mins then just wants to sit and watch tv. Then he complains how there's nothing to do except watch tv. He doesn't even work - forget earning a decent living - lives like he's a big favor descended on earth- physically well whatever time I had tried with him it's all him! I can ing count on one had the number of times we did. He sleeps most of the time or is somewher idk. I really can't take it anymore. I fight with him he gets well for a coupla days then it's back to the same . I've become the nagging angry frustrated wife that I swore I'd never be. What am I to do with this weirdo?!?!?!

[annie24]

welcome to ENA.

 

How long did you date before getting married? It sounds like it was a short engagement and you two didn't really know each other when you got married. Would you consider counseling? or do you think it's best to just move on...?

[bulletproof]

So was this an arranged marriage, basically? What countries are you from?

[Disappointed99]

Thank you Annie

 

It was a short engagement and yes we dint really get to know each other before getting married. In my culture it's usually how it goes. I don't know if this a problem that counseling will sort or it's just I'm married to the wrong guy. I haven't slept in months! While that guy snores away to glory! I'm really tired..

[Disappointed99]

@Bulletproof - yes it is an arranged marriage. He's born and raised in India - I was born n raised in the Middle East. Saudi and Dubai to be more precise. The usual thing I get from close frnds or fmly is tht I need to spend more time with him. We had gone away for 10 days to a resort but even there all he'd do is watch tv or walk around looking for signals on his fone or sleep. No talking - no nothing - no trying to get to know me as a person. This was 2 months after we got married. How is it that in two days he wanted to jump my bones and got annoyed and spent a month complaining that we need to go away from families and when we finally did - he dint bother talking to me or doing any bonding activities. He was jst being aloof. I don't get him. I hate the fact that he lied over his past - I told him I get it it's the 21st century but don't lie to me- he denied being with anyone and denied knowing anything about relationships or girls or physical things when in fact he knew exactly what he was doing in bed.. I don't really care jst don't insult my intelligence by lying to my face. His sister kept repeating how ppl would think he's out with some girl in his bike but then it would turn out to be her. The fact tht she kept repeating sent off red flags in our heads. But then knowing Indian culture we jst let it go . Who care if he had flings / relationships in the past.. Evryone does these days. Yesterday for the first time in a rage of defense rambling he says " even when I went out to meet girls I used to tell my sister exactly where i'd be goin so don't accuse me of fooling my family" . Seriously?! -_- he actually boasted about not doing any work for his masters degree and how he used to boss girls into doing his assignments and home works for him and also how he dint attend a whole year or 2 of engineering out of spite and his father came to his aid to get him to sit in the finals. All this came into light recently. How is it that a man can be constantly on the fone with evryone else but his wife.? I had to rush to India for 2 months since my sis in law was having a baby and we're a small family , I had to be ther. Even then this guy dint bother calling me. Probably 3 times in 2 months n tht too after my elder brother wud ask him to. Something's totally off here..

[annie24]

What would happen if you got a divorce?

[Disappointed99]

@Annie - the worst is just bull from people and having to carry the divorcee title. Which really doesn't matter. Isn't it better than living this horrid marriage? And knowing men from where I come from he will use our messed up marriage to be with other women or even leave once he's managed to get enough money from my family. I doubt he's already doing that since he guards his fone as if it were a gold mine. It's always locked and he he hides the screen if I'm sitting next to him. I borrowed his fone to call my brother once and as soon as I said bye he snatched the fone from my hand. Everytime he's low on cash he borrows from my elder brother. He doesn't know where he's blowing his money or so he says. 5k a month is alota money and not having to spend on housing , transport , food and medical ( since he's living with us and medical is taken care by the company) he shudve had alota dough by now- instead he borrows more. Hence the past month reduction to 1k. Divorce is all I can think about. I can focus on my life more - tryin to start up my own business with a frnd. Y shud I have a dead weight in my life that sucks out all the happiness in me. Up until 1.5 months ago all he would do Is criticize evrything I own or do. He stopped after my family badgered him into holding his tongue. From the engagement till now not once has he praised me appearance wise. His maximum is " Ure photogenic" or " if I had eyes as big as yours , even I would've had good pictures taken" .. Wth is this behavior?! He's said and done a hell lota things, even the fact tht when he was introduced to me, the proposal was just there in the back seat for a month and he dint really care... Seriously?! I had to highlight some in order to get my point accross. Shouldn't I seriously walk outa this?

[redrose85]

Maybe you can have the marriage annulled? It doesn't sound like a marriage, just like he is a gold digger and you've been sentenced to life with someone you can't respect and who doesn't respect you. I feel for you. It sounds awful.

[Disappointed99]

Apart from everyone thinking I was too rash in ending it so fast and how I shudve given the guy more time and judging me and having to carry the " divorcee" title - which is still taboo is this part of the world - not much really. I'd just hurt for goin thru this but grow out of it and focus on my family and probably finally get my head together to open up a business my best frnd's been eating my head about.

[Disappointed99]

@redrose85 - can u believe not once since he's met me has he ever said "you look beautiful / pretty / nice" it's been a year since he's known me. The max he utters when forced to say something is " Ure photogenic" or " yea if I had eyes as big as urs even I could get good pictures taken of myself" - is it just me or does this guy sound like he's got major issues?! Whether It makes sense or not he quotes my words back to me at any given chance. Exactly word for word. I don't think annulment is an option cuz the marriage has been consummated. Divorce is the only way to go. Thank you. I was beginning to doubt myself if im being unreasonable but it's seriously not normal.

[shelty24]

He has another woman. He was probably forced to marry you but is in love with someone else.. happens a lot in some cultures. You need to divorce him.

[Disappointed99]

@shelty - Yeah, my mums already said tht to his face.. I'm waiting for my dad to get back from work rite now then call for a family meeting and throw tht jerks ring on his face before kicking his ass to the curb. >( to think I would stay up all night when the light would go off in his house and use a magazine to fan him so he wouldn't wake up cuz of the heat - or keep waking up and covering him with a blanket wen he's sick so it wudnt get worse. I hate being nice >.>.

[TattyK]

My husband had a friend from India that went into an arranged marriage. He was here (Canada) for about 2 years before the marriage happened, and that whole time he partied with his friends and treated women like sexual conquests. He bragged to me once about sleeping with a woman that won some Canadian Stripper competition. A little greasy. Anyway, all of a sudden one day he announces his bride is coming to Canada and we had NO idea that he was getting married at all, we never even got to meet her. He cut us all out of his life so that she would never find out about his "lifestyle". Through a mutual friend we found out that he pretty much kept her in his parents basement with empty promises about moving back to India or about how she needs to "slowly acclimate" and really he was just living his lifestyle very secretly. I felt pretty bad for this girl, from what I heard from this friend was that she was quite lonely and felt abandoned and was expecting something entirely different then what she was getting. Like your man, he presented an entirely different persona when they first met.

I think some men (in all cultures) treat women like objects not worthy of respect or equal treatment. They sort of look at marriage as a business arrangement rather then a partnership. My advice would be to separate from this guy and see if he changes his behaviour at all, and if not then get a divorce. You deserve to be with someone that is going to treat you like a human being. Its nice your family has money, but your partner should be working to help raise up his status and yours at the same time, mutually benefitting everyone. He should want the same things from life as you do, and at least have a desire to walk through life holding your hand.

I wish you the best, whatever you decide.

[Disappointed99]

@tattyk - if I had a penny for everytime I heard an Indian man do tht I'd have enough money to buy my own island. >.

[fragmint]

Any update? This guy sounds terrible - and I am glad you can see that and are taking action towards divorce.

[Lester]

The Catholic Church call these types of things "non-marriages."

 

The marriage to you was the starting line... to him, it was the end of being someone he's not.

 

Next time, don't rush!

Think compatibility vs. the secular and superficial.