She left for the second time. I feel worthless and pathetic. I need help, badly

[sharky988]

You guys shouldnt argue. Indeed, it was the best thing NOT to send a letter. But it is your life, h3, and you have the right to do what you think is best. It is only advice which people give you, they dont know your whole situation so if you think you'll feel better after sending a letter, then by all means, do it. But we think you will not feel better afterwards, in fact, you could end up feeling worse. Sometimes there's really nothing you can do to make things right again. Read my threads please, they could apply to you too.

 

 

Good lord, I'm certainly not *arguing* with some anonymous person I've never met and who has nothing to do with me! He asked quite desperately for advice, then self-righteously argued against all the advice he received.

 

What I certainly HAVE tried to do is break through his denial about his motivations and stop him from sending an email that isn't going to do him any good.... either in healing or in getting his ex back.... in fact, this passive-aggressive manipulative attempt at communication is only going to make him LESS attractive to her...

 

But it's his life, and ultimately has nothing to do with me.

[H3nk1]

You guys shouldnt argue. Indeed, it was the best thing NOT to send a letter. But it is your life, h3, and you have the right to do what you think is best. It is only advice which people give you, they dont know your whole situation so if you think you'll feel better after sending a letter, then by all means, do it. But we think you will not feel better afterwards, in fact, you could end up feeling worse. Sometimes there's really nothing you can do to make things right again. Read my threads please, they could apply to you too.

 

Indeed. Thank you.

 

I will probably feel worse. 99 per cent it does not achieve what I want. But I do love her. I will tell her how I feel, why, and what I hope.

 

I can post it here when I send it. Then you will at least partly see why I did so, who I am and my humility in this situation.

[H3nk1]

Good lord, I'm certainly not *arguing* with some anonymous person I've never met and who has nothing to do with me! He asked quite desperately for advice, then self-righteously argued against all the advice he received.

 

What I certainly HAVE tried to do is break through his denial about his motivations and stop him from sending an email that isn't going to do him any good.... either in healing or in getting his ex back.... in fact, this passive-aggressive manipulative attempt at communication is only going to make him LESS attractive to her...

 

But it's his life, and ultimately has nothing to do with me.

 

I am not passive aggressive. That is a horrible trait and a sign of immaturity. It was you who escalated this.

 

I have merely tried to argue why I mean deception, lying, manipulation, denial are inadequate words describing for what I will write in a letter (I am honestly wondering if you using the term "email" time and time again for the fun of it).

 

You also seem to miss the fact that I am fully aware that it will probably not work. Or make me seem like this sexy confident cliche of a guy.

 

You should also see that I agree completely with it not necessarily being good for me or my healing.

 

But hey, I love this girl. We spent several years together. She knows me for who I am. And I will never try to be anything else.

 

Feel free to call me self-righteous, a denier, manipulator, deceiver and liar. I would never throw such word in your direction. Or towards anyone.

 

I will never understand your grid-lock and aggression. You seem like someone who argues for the sake of arguing. Or when you realise there has been miscommunication do not adjust your position accordingly due to pride or whatever reason.

[sharky988]

"Love" is no excuse for trying to manipulate someone into doing what you want them to do.

 

I haven't ESCALATED anything -- I've simply tried to no avail to talk some sense into you before you did this ridiculous thing. I don't think there's anyone on this site who will tell you YES, IT'S A GREAT IDEA.

 

Whatever. Best of luck to you.

[H3nk1]

"Love" is no excuse for trying to manipulate someone into doing what you want them to do.

 

I haven't ESCALATED anything -- I've simply tried to no avail to talk some sense into you before you did this ridiculous thing. I don't think there's anyone on this site who will tell you YES, IT'S A GREAT IDEA.

 

Whatever. Best of luck to you.

 

I just do not agree it is manipulation.

 

I know it is not the best idea. I never wanted to- or expected to hear that.

 

Seems like you have gotten me all wrong. And that is fine.

[sharky988]

Yes: you are truly and honestly ACCEPTING this breakup and AGREE WITH IT.

 

I've read you loud and clear, no worries!

[H3nk1]

Yes: you are truly and honestly ACCEPTING this breakup and AGREE WITH IT.

 

I've read you loud and clear, no worries!

 

I have never said I accepted it. I am far from reaching that point. I have never said I agreed to it. Both would be lies.

 

I have said though, that I understand it, why it happened, and why it is probably necessary.

[sharky988]

I have never said I accepted it. I am far from reaching that point. I have never said I agreed to it. Both would be lies.

 

I am sorry. I should have been more elaborate. I state in the letter that I hope we might find each other if and when that is right for both of us.

 

I am not pretending though. I am honest about wanting her back, while I still accept the break up.

 

Actually, you've said that you accept it... and that you understand it...and that you AGREE with it... and that you respect it....

 

Why not just be honest and admit to yourself that NO, you're not okay with this breakup.... and that's okay! It's human. You need time to recover.

 

You need to stick to No Contact and fight through these urges to make contact. It's part of the process, and it doesn't feel good.. but ultimately, it's for the best.

 

IF your ex wanted to be with you, she would be. You wouldn't have to send her any emails. She'd contact you and make it happen. Really.

[H3nk1]

Why not just be honest and admit to yourself that NO, you're not okay with this breakup.... and that's okay! It's human. You need time to recover.

 

You need to stick to No Contact and fight through these urges to make contact. It's part of the process, and it doesn't feel good.. but ultimately, it's for the best.

 

IF your ex wanted to be with you, she would be. You wouldn't have to send her any emails. She'd contact you and make it happen. Really.

 

I have tried so many times now to tell you that I am not okay with it. Also that I will not tell her that I am okay with it.

 

There is a difference between "understanding/accepting/realising" and being okay with something. Or communicate such.

 

And I have tried to explain so many times that I will not lie to her or you guys, by giving the impession of being okay with the BU.

 

And yes, I am in NC. And yes I will probably make it worse by sending a letter in some time.

[sharky988]

Good, stay in No Contact... so you can heal and move on.

 

There's no need to send her an email. If you want to write one out, post it here instead. It's time to let her go, and move forward!

 

You haven't really "explained" anything, although you've gone on for several pages now trying to JUSTIFY sending her an email that tries to manipulate her into responding and hopefully changing her mind..... give it up, bub. Let it go. If you're not fooling me, a total stranger on the internet, you're sure not going to fool your ex into thinking you just wanted to send some gracious acceptance letter wishing her the best and taking your share of blame for the breakup WITH NO HIDDEN MOTIVES....

 

She'll see through it much quicker than I did. Which was pretty darn fast.

[H3nk1]

Good, stay in No Contact... so you can heal and move on.

 

There's no need to send her an email. If you want to write one out, post it here instead. It's time to let her go, and move forward!

 

You haven't really "explained" anything, although you've gone on for several pages now trying to JUSTIFY sending her an email that tries to manipulate her into responding and hopefully changing her mind..... give it up, bub. Let it go. If you're not fooling me, a total stranger on the internet, you're sure not going to fool your ex into thinking you just wanted to send some gracious acceptance letter wishing her the best and taking your share of blame for the breakup WITH NO HIDDEN MOTIVES....

 

She'll see through it much quicker than I did. Which was pretty darn fast.

 

Thank you for the input.

 

I will stay NC. Yet I will send a letter in some time. In which I will neither hide my motivations or try to manipulate her in any way. I am just repeating myself at this point.

 

I will not fool her, as it will not be "a gracious acceptance letter". And I have not tried to fool you.

[H3nk1]

Sigh, update:

 

I have been NC since Dec 24th.

 

Today she contacted my brother by phone, who me and my ex spent alot of good times with him and his family (dinners. vacations, e.g.).

 

She "wanted to wish a happy new year", "wondered how I was", "said she still cared for me, but that the reasonable thing was to break it up", "that it is hard being alone after several years together etc", "many memories and triggers".

 

I guess this means nothing. The last time she left, she came back after 4 weeks of NC. "Because she was afraid she would loose me".

 

Probably just her feeling guilty, lonely, whatever, right? Does not mean anything?

 

I am almost tempted to text her to please respect my request for NC unless she wants reconciliation. And that I also mean indirect contact. I do not want her to use my brother to feel less guilty, ease her sense og loss or whatever.

 

But then again, I think the best might just be to let it be and do nothing.

 

God damnit, I hate my brain. Now I feel "better" because this gave me (futile?) hope... Sigh.

[Lucha]

I recommend not texting her and asking your brother not to answer her calls instead. If she really wanted to get back together, she would be clear about it. So no, she isn't. Probably guilt/loneliness/ a mixture of both.

[H3nk1]

I recommend not texting her and asking your brother not to answer her calls instead. If she really wanted to get back together, she would be clear about it. So no, she isn't. Probably guilt/loneliness/ a mixture of both.

 

Yeah. Basically her and my brother were quite close. She texted him with a few questions. So he called her up (without me knowing) since it was "impossible" to answer anything meaningful by a short text.

 

At least he told her I was doing pretty good considering the circumstances.

 

Which you guys know, is not really true. At all. It is hell.

[Ms Darcy]

What you learn from that is a) that she misses you and b) that she doesn't think a relationship would work. You already knew that. It is wise to stay no contact.

[nick66]

You're biggest problem is obvious, you can't accept that it's over. If she wanted you she would be with you.

 

You act like she's the last woman on earth. Move on with your life.

[nick66]

I'm not trying to be mean, but you've been given advice by people here who been through exactly what you're going through now.

 

You need to realize that she's not causing you to go through hell, you're doing it to yourself.

[H3nk1]

What you learn from that is a) that she misses you and b) that she doesn't think a relationship would work. You already knew that. It is wise to stay no contact.

 

You are right. Thank you.

 

I'm not trying to be mean, but you've been given advice by people here who been through exactly what you're going through now.

 

You need to realize that she's not causing you to go through hell, you're doing it to yourself.

 

And so are your.

 

I admit that I have some way to go on the road towards acceptance. I am still in a state of denial.

[nick66]

You'll get through it and one day you'll look back and ask yourself what in the hell was I thinking.

 

No person is worth what you're putting yourself through.

[H3nk1]

You'll get through it and one day you'll look back and ask yourself what in the hell was I thinking.

 

No person is worth what you're putting yourself through.

 

Thank you friend. I hope at least truths like this are entering my subconscious.

[nick66]

It's time to concentrate on you now, to make yourself the #1 priority in life. Trust me, when people say it gets better you tell yourself no way, but it in fact does if you'll be strong and live for yourself.

[tness]

If you read my post from 2012 It's very similar to your story, not the relationship perhaps, but the post breakup period. I was also a mess for a very long time. I also had thoughts about doing many stupid things to my selves. I was on antidepresiva for a while. But you should know that things will be better, I know that is something you cant understand right now, I was also in that position that I thought things will never be better.

 

When I look back at that time, I can't understand really my pain, because im in a much happier place now.

Things will work out for you.

If my ex called me right now and asked me out, I would have said no. Because I could never in my imagination be with her again.

[H3nk1]

If you read my post from 2012 It's very similar to your story, not the relationship perhaps, but the post breakup period. I was also a mess for a very long time. I also had thoughts about doing many stupid things to my selves. I was on antidepresiva for a while. But you should know that things will be better, I know that is something you cant understand right now, I was also in that position that I thought things will never be better.

 

When I look back at that time, I can't understand really my pain, because im in a much happier place now.

Things will work out for you.

If my ex called me right now and asked me out, I would have said no. Because I could never in my imagination be with her again.

 

Thank you. Your story really got to me Glad you made it through friend.

 

I look forward to the day when my emotions no longer are tearing me apart mentally and physically.

[H3nk1]

If you read my post from 2012 It's very similar to your story, not the relationship perhaps, but the post breakup period. I was also a mess for a very long time. I also had thoughts about doing many stupid things to my selves. I was on antidepresiva for a while. But you should know that things will be better, I know that is something you cant understand right now, I was also in that position that I thought things will never be better.

 

When I look back at that time, I can't understand really my pain, because im in a much happier place now.

Things will work out for you.

If my ex called me right now and asked me out, I would have said no. Because I could never in my imagination be with her again.

 

And I just realised you are from the same country as me heh.

[H3nk1]

Saturday night. Alone with my nephew. Been going outside the house and cried my face sore and salty.

 

NC is hard. 10 days in. My mind is racing about the hurtful things she said when leaving. This fuels painful thoughts about her partying (which is her way of coping, unfortunately) and if there was/is someone else. Sickening. Knot in my stomach.

 

I will not break NC. Managed to go outside a bit today. And that was scary with a good amount of anxiety.

 

Her contacting my brother on thursday, "wanting to wish a happy new year", "wondered how I was", "said she still cared for me, but that the reasonable thing was to break it up", "that it is hard being alone after several years together etc", "many memories and triggers", made it worse.

 

Sigh. Needed to vent. A part of me wish she will not return like the last time. My heart cannot take this again.

 

...who am I kidding. I want her back so badly.