She left for the second time. I feel worthless and pathetic. I need help, badly

[Ms Darcy]

No contact buddy. All this begging, pleading, sad contact does is make her even MORE sure of her decision and relieved to be without you. You can't want a man you feel sorry for.

[silversoul]

Scream, shout, cry, it is a healthy thing to do at this point, you are grieving. I know how you feel, it is awful when a person you trusted so much put you through this insane pain. You really want to show them how much you are suffering, thinking they will help you. But they won't. They will never understand your pain. It amazes me to be honest how my ex could treat me and end things with me in such a cruel manner. I was close to suicidal and so in despair but he completely ignored me. COMPLETELY. He probably thought I was manipulating him or lying, but then after several weeks he saw how much that affected me through the Skype call - weight loss and I guess I was pretty traumatized. So he just said that he can't look me in the eye because of the guilt. Not that it matters now. I'd prefer a genuine apology. So don't talk to your ex about how you feel, she won't get it

[H3nk1]

No contact buddy. All this begging, pleading, sad contact does is make her even MORE sure of her decision and relieved to be without you. You can't want a man you feel sorry for.

 

You are right Hope I have not lost all her respect. It's only been a week. And if I manage to leave it now I would not be among the most pathetic out there? I have always tried to treat her with respect.

 

And I guess any more contact in the future towards her, even if I try to reverse my sad image, would be fruitless?

 

Sigh. What a crappy position to be in. Everything you do to try to give love a chance is futile and push the other person away.

[H3nk1]

Sorry to hear that. I have already lost 10 pounds. And I do not have much more to loose. My best suit is falling off.

 

She said to me when she broke up that she knew how I felt. Well, no she does not. Not at all. And I am sure she is grieving too. And that cold responses are a way to stand by her decision. What a pain.

 

No matter, I understand her completely. She stood by me longer than I could have ever hoped for. It was me who forced her to leave me in the end. Just a look at my first post reveals it all.

[All_on_me]

Reading your post just breaks my heart. I know that you are in so much pain right now but I want you to do something. Do you think you can do one thing today that will make you smile? Whether its treating yourself to something you always wanted, playing with your nephews/neices, wearing your best clothes to make you feel good about yourself. At the very least you should workout or go for a run, it will be very hard but I know you will feel better after it.

[Lucha]

You are right Hope I have not lost all her respect. It's only been a week. And if I manage to leave it now I would not be among the most pathetic out there? I have always tried to treat her with respect.

 

And I guess any more contact in the future towards her, even if I try to reverse my sad image, would be fruitless?

 

Sigh. What a crappy position to be in. Everything you do to try to give love a chance is futile and push the other person away.

 

No contact for now. If you still think about contacting her within six months or so, you can go ahead. You will be in a stronger place then and it will not push her away bc either she will be already back with you or just away from you.

 

I lost 20 pounds. I completely lost myself in the breakup.

[H3nk1]

Reading your post just breaks my heart. I know that you are in so much pain right now but I want you to do something. Do you think you can do one thing today that will make you smile? Whether its treating yourself to something you always wanted, playing with your nephews/neices, wearing your best clothes to make you feel good about yourself. At the very least you should workout or go for a run, it will be very hard but I know you will feel better after it.

 

I have tried. But I seem unable to smile and be "free" for even a second. My self-guilt and shame, coupled with my pleading and further enforcing her pity/sad view of me, just breaks me at each passing minute.

 

I lost the girl I love for the second time, due to my own mistakes and issues, and accepting this will be the end of me...

[H3nk1]

No contact for now. If you still think about contacting her within six months or so, you can go ahead. You will be in a stronger place then and it will not push her away bc either she will be already back with you or just away from you.

 

I lost 20 pounds. I completely lost myself in the breakup.

 

 

 

I am afraid of being stuck with not living with this loss for a very long time. Since I blame myself whole-heartedly. And I am quite the "stable" person on terms of affection, and this girl will be my white while for many years to come if I cannot start to look at my story of myself, our relationship and her.

 

It is all a mess, and I bear the responsibility on a broken back. She was a lovely happy girl, supporting me through over 4 years. I took these years away from her and made her miserable and leave me. I remember the great sex, I was her first to make her enjoy it, yet I destroyed this the last year. And I remember how we would talk forever and cuddle. And my depression killed that as well.

 

She will think back and look at me and wonder what she was thinking, loving me so much as he did. While I was hesistant at times. And when I was ready to give it my all and settle down. Make up for six months of me being a burden. She left.

[H3nk1]

How she in the final months really tried to support me and make me able to do things. How she encouraged me to do Nice things for myself and together with her. Yet I was clouded and did not manage to do neither.

 

Oh my God. What have I done.

 

She tried. Even explained it to me. Yet I failed.

 

Now everyone is opening presents and are happy. I need to walk away every ten minutes to cry as both presents and looks make me feel worse. Presents, life, whatever. No gift or other person can make me feel better now.

 

I know my last email to her is full of regrets and well pity as one user said. And that is right. Because it is the truth. I hate myself. I love her so much and she did too. I just destroyed it all.

[Lucha]

How she in the final months really tried to support me and make me able to do things. How she encouraged me to do Nice things for myself and together with her. Yet I was clouded and did not manage to do neither.

 

Oh my God. What have I done.

 

She tried. Even explained it to me. Yet I failed.

 

Now everyone is opening presents and are happy. I need to walk away every ten minutes to cry as both presents and looks make me feel worse. Presents, life, whatever. No gift or other person can make me feel better now.

 

I know my last email to her is full of regrets and well pity as one user said. And that is right. Because it is the truth. I hate myself. I love her so much and she did too. I just destroyed it all.

 

You made a mistake. It is only human. Stop beating yourself up for it. For now, you will have to deal with the situation you really do not have any other choice.. You can hardly imagine it but within months you'll feel better. It is just hard for now. And we understand.. be nice to yourself you're having a hard time as it is. forgive yourself. No contact will help you!

[Jay98]

Believe what people say and know that you definitely will feel better. It may take months, but you will. It took me 8-9 months after a 3 year relationship to feel like myself again and not want him back. I fell for his crap when he contacted me, which is why I'm here now. If she does reel you back in someday, remember this pain and remember it well.

 

You are better than this . I don't know you but I have been where you are and over time I looked back and wondered how I ever let just one person in a world of billions get me to that level.

 

Be strong and count your blessings. She is gone. If someone wants to leave, help them pack.

[H3nk1]

Believe what people say and know that you definitely will feel better. It may take months, but you will. It took me 8-9 months after a 3 year relationship to feel like myself again and not want him back. I fell for his crap when he contacted me, which is why I'm here now. If she does reel you back in someday, remember this pain and remember it well.

 

You are better than this . I don't know you but I have been where you are and over time I looked back and wondered how I ever let just one person in a world of billions get me to that level.

 

Be strong and count your blessings. She is gone. If someone wants to leave, help them pack.

 

I blame myself only for being so broken today. That is what is killing me inside. Mercilessly.

 

She left me for good reasons, and knowing this makes it so much worse

[H3nk1]

You made a mistake. It is only human. Stop beating yourself up for it. For now, you will have to deal with the situation you really do not have any other choice.. You can hardly imagine it but within months you'll feel better. It is just hard for now. And we understand.. be nice to yourself you're having a hard time as it is. forgive yourself. No contact will help you!

 

I made so many mistakes. My final email to her and first posts lists what breaks my heart the most.

 

She loved me for years and could not help to give up on me and us.

 

How can one forgive oneself when you really loved this girl?

[Jay98]

Then take those reasons and learn from them. You can use them to better yourself so that you won't repeat the same mistakes in the future. Whatever the problems were, there were still two of you in the relationship. Don't be too hard on yourself, but hard enough so that you learn lessons and apply them to being a better person for the next girl you are with.

 

Honestly I tried my ass off to show my ex how much I loved him and wanted to work on it. Made him welcome in my home, cooked for him, told him daily that I cared and blah blah blah. But it wasn't enough. And he left...again. In hindsight I did it to myself by letting him into my life again. I should have seen it coming.

 

The fact that you are here and have written these things shows you have a heart. You acknowledge your flaws and can see where you went wrong. This is a good thing. You are just learning a painful lesson...life is full of them, but turn it into something positive now. And look ahead!

[silversoul]

Jay98 gave you a lot of good advice. I completely agree. Acknowledge your mistakes but don't feel you are the one solely responsible. I'm sure you can list some of the things she did which also contributed to the end?

 

Right after the end of the relationship, I also felt incredible guilt and felt like I was the one solely responsible for the break up. I really believed that and made things harder for myself. Today I can see that my ex is a not an angel. Actually my first post on this forum was about feeling guilty

[silversoul]

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[H3nk1]

Thank you. I am sorry to hear about your ex and how he left when that probably should have been your privilege. It could almost sound like you were like my ex in some respects. Giving too much with too little in return. I am so sorry.

 

I know I am a good person. Also towards her. Yet I see all to clearly that I was a burden and made her give up.

 

And she left and gave me up at a time when I had given up on myself. Double trouble.

 

I HOPE that I might also come to realise one day (if it really is true), that part of my behaviour was due to the fact that the relationship itself was not good for ME. That it contributed to my low self esteem and depression. That she was never the one. That I at one point started to blame all on myself ("my issues") so that I would not have to end it myself. Because I was to afraid and attached.

 

At some point I lost myself completely, and her, my ALL, as life threw me bad cards these last years.

 

But it sure as hell does not feel or look like that to me now. She loved me so much. Without doubt. And I believe I loved her deeply too.

 

I am so stuck in my self hate now that I cannot breathe. I feel this burning love for her. And I will never forgive myself for loosing this woman. I would do anything to have her back. So I could gain her trust and love again.

 

I am sorry good people. I am a wreck and wallow in my grief. I get sucked into this dark abyss with no more reasons to go on.

 

God help me. And thank you all for trying to help. I do not deserve it.

[Marla]

Happening to me right now. I lost him after 8 years and an engagement. Break up was a week ago. I needed to seek help for my depression but I didn't. I love him so much, I want to text him but I don't think he deserves to hear my problems anymore. He deserves something better. I don't know what will happen to me but right now I feel just like you do. I'm heartbroken

[Jay98]

H3nk1, you may have your answer there. You just wernet right for each other. As much as I loved my ex, we fought and broke up and treated each other like crap not because we were bad people, but because we clashed. A lot. I wanted to travel, he held me back. He promised kids and marriage which is something important to me, and broke up with me anyway. He lied to me, told other girls my personal problems then sucked up to my parents for support. He swore at my father and mother (in my defense of something but still, they are my PARENTS), his family cruelly left me out of their occasions and when I was in deep depression over him leaving me, then posted pics of him having fun with his sister the same night he left me on my own to feel like death.

 

On the flip side he was lovely, sweet and kind when he wanted to be. But I couldn't get these things out of my mind. I wanted to leave but was afraid of my own choice. We went to New York and even there I was unhappy. It didn't fix anything. I was miserable and lost myself in that relationship. I was also miserable when it ended, it hurt as much as it hurts you now, but over time i realized that it had damaged me. A lot.

 

Now I have a career, I'm writing and illustrating a book, play the violin and have better relationships with my family and friends. The ex taught me how to be a better person and stick up for myself when needed, and so will yours. This pain won't go to waste, I promise you.

[H3nk1]

Jay98 gave you a lot of good advice. I completely agree. Acknowledge your mistakes but don't feel you are the one solely responsible. I'm sure you can list some of the things she did which also contributed to the end?

 

Right after the end of the relationship, I also felt incredible guilt and felt like I was the one solely responsible for the break up. I really believed that and made things harder for myself. Today I can see that my ex is a not an angel. Actually my first post on this forum was about feeling guilty ]

 

I actually read this a few days ago. I am sorry you were hurt

 

Did you read my list of regrets? I just find them utterly devastating and unforgivable. And how she broke up with me and what she says to me confirms my fears and fuels my shattering anxiety.

[H3nk1]

Happening to me right now. I lost him after 8 years and an engagement. Break up was a week ago. I needed to seek help for my depression but I didn't. I love him so much, I want to text him but I don't think he deserves to hear my problems anymore. He deserves something better. I don't know what will happen to me but right now I feel just like you do. I'm heartbroken

 

I am so sorry Marla. I cry for and with you.

[silversoul]

ok, let's see

 

Why I cannot forgive myself, just an incoherrent list:

 

- I kissed another girl. - I think this one could be a big issue, being a young woman myself I probably could not forgive. But then, everyone is different.

- I never tried anti-depressants. - This is not a dealbreaker. My ex stopped taking meds, I still sticked around

- I am deeply ashamed about my intimacy issues. The last year/six months together, I withdrew from sex.- Again, I believe if she truly loved you, she would understand

- I allowed myself to become depressed this autumn. - Happens to everyone. I'd like to believe a partner always will be with you, when you are sad and when you are happy

- I never dared to be open about my sexual desires. - Were you not fully comfortable with her? Not a good sign, imo

- I got stuck in bad modes of thought and I relied to much on her. Became a burden at times. - Made the same mistake, so can't comment

- I have emotional bagage I still struggle with, which hurt both her and our relationship. - Now it is time to deal with it, but for your sake. You deserve to feel good

- I sometimes got tired from being overly patient and understanding. This made me distant at times, even expressing doubts about us. I quickly saw how the latter contributed to all kinds of bad things. So I stopped completely expressing doubts early in our relationship.-Another big issue. If you were expressing doubts how come you are so devastated now? Are you 100% honest it is not the case of wanting what you can't have?

- Work loads from school and work++ took its toll on me. I got severe and chronic pain in my neck for over two years. I sometimes became a toll on her as she worried and I sought comfort. I managed to get better though. - That's what relationships are for, for being loved and comforted

- Much more.

 

I think all this may have contributed, why did you kiss someone else if you truly loved her? (genuinely curious). Now list all the things she could have done differently

[H3nk1]

Thank you very much for the input. I recognize parts of your story in my self...

 

That being said, I cannot find her to be bad in any way. I loved her despite a few flaws, but we all have those. She was so loving, dedicated and kind. With a real passion for making things work between us. I justify all of her behaviour in my mind. I mean, I did not have sex with her for several months even though I knew how that hurt her. I was just lost, and scares. She was utterly beautiful. Yet my own insecurities held me back from fixing things.

 

The thing is that I have NEVER found joy in my intellectual endeavours. I always aced school but was bored. This was the same at university, regardless of what I studied. Ended up graduating from a top3 uni in the UK with great results. Had much work and organisational experience to boot, and landed a very prestigous job. From that I got into high level politics at a young age (working as an advisor). But I was always empty inside. In the end it is all intellectual / corporate / political...wankery. I despite alot of it.

 

I tried Zen. I had much therapy. I have read so many books on pretty heavy stuff (philosophy, fringe science, spirituality, critical theory e.g) to stimulate my brain.

 

The ONLY thing that has ever given me peace and calm was my love for this woman. People and feelings are important. School, work, small talk...is so empty to me.

 

I want to grow with someone. Have a connection in a world and society I feel totally alien to.

 

Social media, materialism, capitalism (I am no socialist), economic slavery (yes, in the western world), the third world, corruption, greed, supressed knowledge, financial and economic structures incapable of change for the better because they are intrinsically broken, individuality, reality, consciousness.... I could go ON and ON.

 

No one ever questions anything. No one cares about anything that really matters to fix this world and perhaps allow us to survive as a species. And who can blame us for not caring. Because no one dares to call a shovel for a shovel.

 

Thus, as this is my reality, MEANING is interpersonal and human at a deeper level. And my ex was a loving and amazing person. She would even listen to my rants with patience and empathy.

 

I just feel so alone. My meaning is gone now. I know this says alot about my messed up mind, but she and us was what gave me strength. I loved her so as everything she is and has ever been. As a beautiful human being. She saw me for me and loved me despite all my flaws.

[H3nk1]

I think all this may have contributed, why did you kiss someone else if you truly loved her? (genuinely curious). Now list all the things she could have done differently

 

As for intimacy: I honestly think she was as patient and understanding as one can possibly ask for... Hence my shame and guilt. I ended up messing it up for myself.

 

And I cannot FATHOM how I never took her up on her requests to really sit down and agree on concrete measures. I guess I was to sad and ashamed. I felt we fought to much for it to be truly constructive. I wanted us to work on the deep issues when there were good times. But when things were good we did not want to talk about all the problems as both wanted to stay in the good place. So many mistakes. I should have made it possible.

 

Perhaps I did not want to feel it was all my responsibility. Which is what I ended up feeling, even though she tried to be understanding. Perhaps both of us gave up. At least she did. I was so motivated to make it work! But she was not, she did not believe me, and that was what I deserved.

 

It is unforgivable. And I cannot explain it fully as it is so beyond who I really am. I have never done so before and will never again.

 

My only reasoning is that I at some level perhaps thought she had done the same to me, even though she took it back. Today I am sure she never did.

 

I was also so hurt after she left. And I really tried hard to make things better. When I could not be perfect after she came back I felt she was neither forgiving or constructive. I was angry inside and I perhaps wanted to do something "bad" for the first time in my life.

 

In the end I felt so horrible as I should. Everyone said I should keep quiet, but that was no alternative. I tried to pay my dues, I really did.

 

And today, of course this contributed at a deep level to the end of us. And that makes me want to just give up at this point.

 

I hate myself. I truly do.

[H3nk1]

I have the same dream every night. She leaves and I try to convince her to stay. I succeed. We make love. And I wake up into this living nightmare.

 

The last time she left me last year, for four weeks, she tried having a date. And it felt wrong and she eventually came back.

 

Well she will not now. When she broke up she even mentioned one guy I knew she had a crush on many years ago. And she said she could never have sex with me again. That sje did not feel the same. Knowing her, I get physically stick to know she already now is out there being available. With all of her friends reinforcing her decision to leave.

 

Since we lacked sex for several months before the end, I know she will get her fix these days.

 

Oh God.