Live to Dream

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Thanks Avman.

 

I'm alot stronger than I ever used to be. And haven't given in in a long time. Still find it hard some nights though.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

So, the Velvet saga continues. Even though the shoe was put back on, the farrier called yesterday to warn me he could see the abscess there and that it didn't look to have completely drained. So if he is still sore tomorrow I have to get the farrier back out to pull his front shoes off and smother it in drawing cream and wait for it to come out on its own. This is killing me.

 

I have this wonderful horse that was supposed to be in training for four weeks and ridden every day. But he has been too sore to ride. So no training as of yet. I'm going stir crazy because I can't ride. He needs to be off my trainers land in the next 3 days - but I have no where to put him yet.

 

It's just been so much drama! I love him to bits and it will all be worth it in the end but I'm just struggling alot. I hate seeing him in pain. I hate not knowing what to do or when to call the vet in. I don't mind calling the vet. But I also don't want to throw money away on a consultation when I already know what I need to do.

 

But then also not sure if they have something else that might help. Just don't know.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Can't begin to explain the damage I've just caused myself. And I'm nothing but thrilled. It's true what they say about the voice in your head. And now - I'm letting it win.

[avman]

Hey now friend. Don't you go letting that voice win. This is a marathon and not a sprint - remember?

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

The thing is; all that talk about me being so much stronger now? Well that's all it is. It's talk. The reality is, I'm still that 13 year old girl, hating every inch of her body. Restricting intake. Flinching at the thought of her boyfriend touching her.

 

I haven't cut. I won't. It's far too easily noticed. But my emotions? I can't handle them. I can't control my own state of mind. But I can control this.

[avman]

Don't forget you aren't going through this alone. You have a great boyfriend, a wonderful horse to lean on, and all of us to talk to.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

My boyfriend is amazing. My horse is incredible. And you all are lovely.

 

But my boyfriend can't know or he just gets angry, he simply doesn't understand. He has never really had too. My horse currently hates me because he is stuck in a yard instead of out in a paddock because I haven't found anywhere to keep him and he kept charging the old pony my instructor has. So as often as I can I let him out into the paddock for an hour or two whilst I'm around. But on work days I can't do that. He is putting lots of weight on though which is good. He was underweight when I bought him. So at least I know he is definitely getting enough feed. I hard feed him twice a day and give him hay twice a day. And always have some carrots to spoil him with. But either way, being confined whilst all the other horses are out does not make for a happy Velvet.

 

And all of you are wonderful, but most of my old friends on here are gone.

 

In actual fact I have very few friends. I saw one yesterday and that was the first time in months.

 

I also think my scales are broken. Like actually. I got two different readings. But one I only got once. The one I kept getting was clearly wrong. I am far heavier. I know it. I had a bit of a fail of a riding lesson today too. I kept getting dizzy and nauseous and almost passing out. I even ate before I came. I had a banana and some berries. Thinking carbs and sugar. But it didn't really help much. I haven't even got the shakes yet. Today is only day 3. I shouldn't feel so faint already. I never used too. Even just now, trying to get up in the paddock I had to sit straight back down. At least I did alot of jump work today. So I should have burned off the calories in breakfast.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Well one positive happened today! I found Velvet a home! Pretty happy with it. It's nothing flash but he will have a decent sized yard to wonder around in and have a shelter at night and in the rain. And there is a little riding area for me and lots of trails and it's reasonably priced. So happy. I was really starting to get down with not finding him anywhere and having him so locked up. But now at least I know his living arrangement is temporary

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

And then it's night time. And I've spoken to every friend I have with little no success. I've tried. But I guess people only take so much until it's too little too late. And here I am. Lonely. And no one left to reach out too. The two people I thought would always be around. They have both decided I'm just not worth it anymore. And I can't blame them. One of them.. Far out, I couldn't even bother to catch up with him. Constantly too ashamed of myself. Of the way I look, of who I am. I just ran. Like literally. The last time I saw him, I kicked the other friend out of the car and drove away before I'd have to say hello. Now that I'm fasting and feeling better, now it's okay to catch up. Except now it's over a year later and he is too busy with people who haven't freaking run away from them.

 

I don't know what it is with me. I love them. I'd love for the three of us to hang out. They are probably the two best people I know. Completely different. All three of us. And I had that chance, but instead I blew it. Thinking they would judge me on all my weaknesses. Instead of risking them hurting me. I just bailed. And now I think I've run out of chances.

[avman]

I'm glad you found Velvet a home. That's a huge win and you should celebrate it!

 

Don't let the darkness close in around you. You have too much to live for and the depression voice in your head is a big liar when it comes to all this stuff.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Thanks Avman,

 

I'm not letting the darkness win. Just letting it take over for a little while. Until I am happier with myself. Then I will shoe away the darkness. And live myself a wonderfully happy life again.

 

Just need to be like this for a while. Maybe 4 more weeks.

 

I don't do anything too strenuous so I should be fine. Only days I might have a small issue is my riding lessons. Cuz they are pretty full on physically.

 

Work is physical but different. I'm proud. It was one of my work friends birthdays and I went and bought her cake. I didn't even touch it. Didn't need it. I should be eating to live, not living to eat.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Got my first weight loss comment today from a lady at work. Which was lovely. My boyfriend was very sweet last night. He came home to me. And gave me cuddles. I was asleep and not expecting him at all. The door opening scared the absolute out of me.

 

But he was cute, said he wanted to come home to me Made my night. He just lay there with me holding me. He is far kinder and more supportive when drunk lol.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

So the last 2 days have been right offs. Probably had like 800 calories each day. Today was slightly better. At least 90% of my calories were clean calories. And still no carbs. But I was completely stupid and had lollies and crisps yesterday. Not happy with myself at all. Back to my 500 calorie max. Gonna get my hair done on Thursday too. Hopefully I'll have lost another kilo. But not going to expect it. Just try. Gonna run around tomorrow. Jump all the horse jumps lol. Burn some fat whilst I watch Velvet

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Not been having the best few days. But today was wonderful. Spent it with Velvet.

 

He was so sweet today. Climbed under his belly a few times and he just stood there and looked at me. I was careful. Did it slowly. Applied pressure under his stomach. Got used to him having me there and then I just ducked through. He is simply amazing.

 

I had a little ride. Literally just laid there on his back. Then leant down and hugged around his neck and patted his head. All whilst being on his back.

 

I swear, when I'm on him he looks after me. He is just so smart. He would never want to hurt anyone. Just gets a little silly and excited. But I'm happy now. He isn't being locked up anymore Only at night. He has his own yard there now. Lots of room for him to run around in. And he isn't sore at all. Was jumping today. Just tiny ones of course. But he is just amazing. Cleared them all! Very lucky to have him. And when I'm sad. I swear he knows. Comes up to me and sniffles my face haha. Makes me smile every time!

[avman]

Glad you had a great day with Velvet.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

So its been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. Something amazing happened - we bought my engagement ring! It has to be resized and he still has to ask me. So it's not official yet. But holy hell it's pretty. He has been pretty awesome. I know we clash at times. He goes silent when I want to talk. But, he has brought me back to life. He has picked me up when I was a broken mess and encouraged me to be who I am today. I wouldn't be qualified without him. I wouldn't have stopped self harming or taking a million pills a day. And mostly, he has supported my passion - even when it means the house is a mess and there's never food in the fridge because I am never here. And even when we fight, every single night he wraps his arms around me and holds me. And most importantly, I love him. Very much. He is my best friend

 

Velvet through his shoe off again!!! Like seriously horse!!! Another $130 down the drain today. Taking the big shoes off and putting normal shoes on. I'm scared because those shoes were made to help with the heal pressure. They were to support his ligaments. But he isn't going to be well supported if he keeps ripping them off. And the farrier has said that he doesn't think it will make a huge difference as long as I'm not planning on going to the Olympics any time soon haha. So hopefully he pulls through okay with normal shoes. I can only hope he will.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Officially engaged I love him very much

[zentoCC]

Congratulations!

[avman]

Officially engaged I love him very much

 

Aw congrats. So very happy for you! It's been great to see you grow up and now find a life partner.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Thanks Avman

 

Well the last few weeks have been a crazy blur. Been so busy with work and Velvet and friends.

 

But I've spent a lot of time reflecting on this year.

 

So basically since the new year I have seen my sister get engaged, married and have a beautiful baby boy, I've had my dreams come true with buying my own horse and getting engaged to the man who drives me crazy but goes to sleep holding me every night. I've left behind a stressful job, and found a great career changing position. I've lost 'friends' but have realized who the few truly wonderful people are in my life.

It's been a hectic year. And I've had my mishaps and mini relapses, I've had my dramas and tears. But when you look back on that.. Not much more you could ask for right?

 

So I'm planning on getting married in just under a year. No clue how we are going to afford anything as i officially have 47c to my name until pay day. But I'm sure I'll make it happen. Hoping to even go to Vanuatu for our honey moon.

 

Wish me luck!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Night shift I hate you! So so tired. Just want to close my eyes and dream the night away!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Well my surgery is officially a week away. So frustrating that I am paying $1700 for surgery when I just want to spend all my money on my wedding. Goodbye savings On the plus side. Hopefully goodbye to serious fatigue and pain too. Starting to get a little nervous. You'd think I'd be used to going under by now! And it's like the smallest day surgery ever so it really isn't a big deal. I think it's more that this is my last chance to be in less pain. Fingers crossed it goes well.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Surgery is tomorrow. Money is a disaster. Gonna have to be a party pooper from now on and work as hard as I can. Need more money. Desperately. Selling a few horsey things I don't use for extra cash.

[avman]

Good luck on the surgery. Think positive thoughts!!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Thanks Avman. The surgery didn't go so well. Nothing can ever just be simple for me. It was supposed to be just a small procedure. Over and done and then in a day or two I'd feel better then in 6 -8 weeks I'd be pain free. Instead they found that some of my internal organs have adhered to my insides. So I will need to have further surgery to fix that. And my god did it hurt when I woke up. Not sure what I'm gonna do. I see the specialist in 6 weeks. And I'll hear all about it. Just this once it would have been nice to just go in and come out and there you go all done.

 

But hey, I shouldn't complain. Alot worse things happen. And today, I got to go feed Velvet and I made myself a little bes of saddle clothes, towels and a jumper as a pillow. Velvet was so cute. Came over and nuzzled me. He makes me feel so loved He makes me realize that everything will be okay. Gonna lunge him tonight. Try and ride tomorrow in preparation for my lesson on Friday. Want to put the jumps up in a week or two. So need to have these little ones down pat.