one day at a time

[Juliette ne pas]

As I start this journey with my goal being growing, healing, and leaving the past behind;

I know that it will be baby steps, 2 forward and 3-4 backward.

 

I will look at the past to see why I haven't fully let it go, the what's, why's, and who's of the issues.

 

I will also look at what can I do to make sure I don't repeat the same mistakes that landed me here.

[Juliette ne pas]

Ok, the last four months has been a major emotional roller coaster.

Right now I am angry, hurt, and resolved to put up a wall that he can't tear down, to protect me and my wounded and broken heart.

I am being hateful and pushing him away. How? By calling him out, everytime he is at the house he says something hurtful. He asks me to dinner with the boys, to the movies, comes to the house and watches tv with the boys, works on the house, hugs me...and then says he doesn't want to reconcile. Because of this confusing me and my boys, I asked him to stop asking me to go with them and play act as if we are one big happy family...what the heck???? After 25 year, this is what our marriage is reduced to, playing family on his terms and he wants to be friends...for the boys sake of course. So even after he divorces me, he expects me to keep up this farce. It is a lie, my sons are smart enough to know that this is foolishness, they don't understand why their dad doesn't want to reconcile, because he acts likes he wants to and then pulls away and is cold and hateful again. What does he think this is teaching our sons? That its ok to play mind games and to continually play with the other person's emotions. I have no hope anymore of restoration, if it happens, it will be a miracle from God, because I can't do this anymore. I was stupid and told him that I and our sons don't believe in divorce (that is true) and that the only person I could remarry would be him (also true according to my beliefs)...however I was told that by saying this I just gave my husband who separated from me a carte blanche, to do what ever he wants with whom ever and I give just forgive and forget.....NO WAY... that's not what I meant and I told him so. Time passes, then what does he say to me, that he is going to file the paperwork for the divorce at the end of the year but that we were separated months before he filed for the separation, I don't know what he meant by this and why he told me this, all I can think is that he must mean to move up the date. I don't know...I do know we are still legally married and he has told me that we are no longer married and he is no longer wearing his wedding band(so I've asked for it back). He swears up and down that there is no one else, I don't believe him. He is living in the barracks, no ring, he has this Christmas visitation, from the 25th through the 3rd of Jan and he is picking the boys up today and dropping them off tonight, he won't see them tomorrow didn't see them yesterday or this past weekend as it was my weekend, he will see them some on thursday(I don't know when because he won't tell me) then at some point and time on Friday(I don't know because he hasn't told me) he will pick up the boys and drop them off Sunday evening. Why am I pissed because I begged him several times for a schedule because he has threaten to take me back to court for not letting him see the boys. What???? So, no schedule, begged again, tried to tell him I can't make plans until you let me know yours....still nothing till the 23rd of December, really? My family and friends were trying to make plans with me, I couldn't do anything because I didn't want my sons to feel like they were unimportant, that they came in second to me...NO, that's not me...my thought was to make plans for the days I wouldn't see my boys. I didn't know if it would be for the full week or not, he has the right to have them the entire time, he could choose to see them everyday and only drop them off here at night, it was his legal right....all I asked was to know in advance so I could plan and prepare myself and my boys both physically and emotionally because this separation has been hard on us all, especially for my older sons who on their own, its shaking the very foundation of that they believe and how they see marriage, my heart breaks for my sons as well as for me.

[Juliette ne pas]

Goals, lose weight, exercise, take classes, prepare for future without him.

Prep boys for future, they will be in school of the next 8-10 yrs...college or trade school?

should I buy our house or can I keep up payments for the next ten years and when it's time to sell it split the proceeds with the estranged one BY THAT TIME I WILL HAVE PAID OVER 80,000 FOR THE HOUSE.

So, in about 10 years I will be almost 58 and will help to join the workforce....what will I do? What will my health be at that point, can I improve my health now? What of my prior injuries and other health issues I wrestle with now? What can I do to improve these things??? I was practically bed ridden before DV situation that caused hubby dearest to file the B&B divorce, which is why I now think he is trying to use my being sick for so long as an excuse to state we were separated before the DV and that was what caused him to snap...such a lovely chap.

Now I need college funds but how? Where should I apply and for what? Nursing??? no, EMT??? no, then what, I has no skills that workeded in des outside welt....I have not work since I left the military...GI BILL...no lost it, hubby dearest said that I was a bad mom for putting sons in afterschool program so I could go to school...had one part-time job, they let me bring the boys with....no too much time away (W,F,S,1-5pm) he was deployed most of the time, but I still had to quit.

I must brainstorm

[Juliette ne pas]

I'm drained beyond measure, I keep dreaming that that frost-bitten white man would just fall of the edge of the earth....but reality is that entity with the heart of ice is here to stay.

I must learn coping technics; hypnotism, that sounds like a capital idea edit or delete certain memories, I like that. Hubby walks up starts demeaning me, I look at him and ask who are you and what makes you think you have the right to speak to me or treat me in this matter.

Sadly, with my memory loss problems...this may be more of a reality than not, it scares me that I could forget my beautiful boys as well. Must set up another appt with Doc for more tests after New Year....ughhh bloody vampires...need to get more iron.

Fast for the New Year, pray for focus, forgiveness, future, and freedom from fear, anger, and any areas of bitterness...eeeek.. where to start, a start; may need to avoid mirrors or cover when trying to point fingers...yes I hereby decree that all mirrors in the kindom of me be removed, covered, or smashed until such a time when I can gaze upon my reflection without seeing any flaws or imperfections.

 

Next, look into visitation calendar for the new year.

 

Wanted a miracle wrinkle cream to erase 20 yrs from face and body....tried to become a blonde ended up a redhead.

 

Also want to re-educate 7yr old border collie....yeah...i know good luck.

 

I wonder it I should attempt to garden at all this year, sigh.

[Juliette ne pas]

Well I wandered throughout town looking for food...everything minus the China buffet was closed, rented a few movies, sat on the couch and cried myself to sleep....I regret the email I sent the soon to be ex...he was hurtful and hateful to me....so I asked for my father's wedding band back and said thank you and Merry Christmas...he will most likely mail it to me. I know that was cold, but I am so tried of him playing with my mind.

[Juliette ne pas]

I am beyond, I landed in the ER and tried to call just about anyone I could to pick me up...no one responded except the estranged one, I didn't want to call him, I didn't know where else to turn. He was gracious picked me up and droped me off at the house, I was very grateful. He said it was his duty because we are still married, that he is changing. We I emailed him a short thank you (something he does all the time and gets angry at me for if I don't respond) and no response from him at all. So I email a second and third time fearing I said something hurtful, rude, or wrong...I was not allowed to drive home because of all the meds they pumped me full of, so I don't know or remember much about that time at all...still no answer. By this time I'm crying my heart broken again, how can you be so cold? He did'nt wish me well, didn't text to see if I was feeling better, didn't even acknowledge my messages...I would have excepted at least an "ok" or "welcome", just one word, nothing more...I feel so low right now.

[Juliette ne pas]

My fear engulfs me, the dread of the unknown is as heavy as a fog. Every conversation is contentious, full of accusations and bile. Hatred is audible in every word spoken, how is it I was so blind to the truth? How can we have sunk so low that he only feels malice towards me. My heart breaks every time he speaks to me or looks on me with disgust.... And he believes that we should be civil towards each other, be able to be in each others presence with our children in the middle. Funny!!!!! He still speaks down to me, stills snaps at me, causing me to be anxious. I still don't trust him and am fearful of him and he wants to be civil, he says I don't show him respect, I can't respect someone who I am so fearful of, respect has to be earned and takes time, it can't be demanded of a person, it is something that is granted. I did respect my husband and I still love him, but I can not and will not respect who he has become, his violence against me and mine, is what caused me to lose whatever respect I had for him, his hateful behavior even now has cemented my sentiment. I heart grieves for the lie I believed, "Grow old with me, the best is yet to be, really after 25 years of waiting, his best is to; divorce me and tell me that he wants to live for himself now. He wanted respect? What about me???? Where was mine when I was sick and depressed, where was my help, where was the love and compassion for me in my time of need??? No where, what about help with our sons??? I couldn't even vent because he would lay into the boys for past events and go way overboard, so I felt alone in every way. I am resigned to the fact that the marriage is over and I maybe alone the rest of my life. My fear is the soon to be ex and his mom trying to take my sons as well just out of spite. I pray God all protect us all.