Would you date someone with herpes?

[Fudgie]

The truth is that people who have casual sex are more likely to get it because those who have casual sex have higher numbers and also may not be as thorough in trying to seek out partners who are clean and can verify this.

 

Thus, they are more likely than monogamous couples to get tthe virus. Not to say that monogamous people can't get it. They can and do. But engaging in casual sex is a risk factor.

[annie24]

Well, of course it's a risk factor. But I'm just saying, you shouldn't have a holier than thou attitude about it.

[Fudgie]

Agreed. While I don't engage in casual sex I don't think it's morally wrong. Just more of a risk factor in some ways for things like STDs. Let's remove the morality and other things from this.

[tiredofvampires]

Also, if you never have had casual sex but are in a monogamous relationship with someone who used to have casual sex, then you're at higher risk not because of your sexual habits but because of your partner's, at least in the past.

 

So if you were someone who never had casual sex, and you paired up with someone who also never had casual sex, whose only sex partners had never had any casual sex, ad infinitum, you'd wind up with the near virtual impossibility of catching the virus. You are only at risk because of your partners and all of their previous partners.

 

Since we can't calculate all such risks in the real world, the next best thing is to test the one you're with (Crosby, Stills and Nash anyone?...lol....)

[John John]

Researchers are working on a genital herpes vaccine. If that comes to market, I will take it for sure!

 

Wow, I didn't know about this. I would definitely sign up for a vaccine if one ever became available.

[tiredofvampires]

Agreed. While I don't engage in casual sex I don't think it's morally wrong. Just more of a risk factor in some ways for things like STDs. Let's remove the morality and other things from this.

 

This. It seems that once you start criticizing casual sex though, even if there's a legit reason, it's taken to be an indictment of people on some moral ground.

 

And there's the subtle implication that you're not a socially tolerant person if you just don't want to deal with dating someone with herpes, if you can help it (which means, to the best of your fallible ability).

 

I agree with you btw, Fudgie, on the mere aspect of having to use condoms the rest of my life being a dealbreaker, in an LTR. I hate them and they irritate me, and I wouldn't feel all that reassured anyway for all that.

[John John]

I agree with you btw, Fudgie, on the mere aspect of having to use condoms the rest of my life being a dealbreaker, in an LTR. I hate them and they irritate me, and I wouldn't feel all that reassured anyway for all that.

 

I third this.

[bulletproof]

 

And there's the subtle implication that you're not a socially tolerant person if you just don't want to deal with dating someone with herpes, if you can help it (which means, to the best of your fallible ability).

 

I think what is making people think there is some social intolerance going on are statements like this:

 

"^Pretty much this. Personally I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole even if I was beyond desperate."

 

For me at least, when I think of the individuals I know who do have herpes, it really does break my heart to think of a person referring to them this way. Perhaps that is where the compassion should come in. None of us have to date anyone, for any reason, but we don't have to talk about people with a virus like they are disgusting.

[Zuri]

Very well put, bulletproof.

[annie24]

I agree with you Bullet. There is no need to stigmatize people. It's a virus, not life threatening in most circumstances. We carry so many other viruses in our bodies. Bacteria, fungi, viruses, and parasites actually outnumber the cells in your own body 10:1. 90% of you are microorganisms. Seriously, everyone is carrying around dozens of other viruses at all times, even if you are a virgin who never leaves the house.

[justagirl2]

Exactly. I'm so shocked at how much judgement we see at ENA at times. Fudgie, didn't you at your teen years date a 60 year old guy? Am I being completely crazy? How did you feel being judged for it?

[NorthDallas40]

Exactly. I'm so shocked at how much judgement we see at ENA at times. Am I being completely crazy?

 

Nope. One poster implied that herpes victims are categorically more promiscuous than those not infected... yet in another thread labeled another ENA user as categorically "racist" because they had a preference for a certain ethnicity when dating.

 

I guess all broad brushes aren't created equal, and not everyone can see the kettles for all the pots.

[justagirl2]

Most people get HSV-1 (herpes simplex type 1) as an infant or child. This virus can be spread by skin-to-skin contact with an adult who carries the virus.

 

Are we calling infants promiscuous now?

[jenny_mcs]

Exactly. I'm so shocked at how much judgement we see at ENA at times. Fudgie, didn't you at your teen years date a 60 year old guy? Am I being completely crazy? How did you feel being judged for it?

 

Wow, what the heck? How is Fudgie being judgmental? All I've seen her say is that she judges no one for their attitudes towards sex, but prefers to be STD free and not to date someone whose situation would require the use of condoms for the life of the relationship. How is that being judgmental?

[Fudgie]

Exactly. I'm so shocked at how much judgement we see at ENA at times. Fudgie, didn't you at your teen years date a 60 year old guy? Am I being completely crazy? How did you feel being judged for it?

 

I indeed have a history dating older men. Okay, not a 60 year old guy when I was 18 though, no. I was 19 and he was 58....okay I know that's not much different now that I write it out. >

 

But I am okay at this point. My past is my past. I can't change it and you know what, I don't want to. It is part of me as a person.

 

People are always going to judge me for that. Oh well. It's life.

[Fudgie]

Are we calling infants promiscuous now?

 

Lol, no, but that's how the cold sore virus (HSV I) is typically spread. Mom to child, kissing her child on the face. Not sexual and it can't really be helped.

 

You can also get it by sharing a water bottle with a friend too.

 

Wow, what the heck? How is Fudgie being judgmental? All I've seen her say is that she judges no one for their attitudes towards sex, but prefers to be STD free and not to date someone whose situation would require the use of condoms for the life of the relationship. How is that being judgmental?

 

Yes, that's what I said.

I'm judge-y on other topics, trust me, and you can call me out on those but I am definitely not being judgemental here. I'm a little confused.

[justagirl2]

I never judged you Fudgie and actually had a great deal of respect for you for your past. I was confused that someone like you would judge someone with a simple virus. I guess I mis-read the thread though and I understand not wanting to have to use condoms for life.

[Fudgie]

I never judged you Fudgie and actually had a great deal of respect for you for your past. I was confused that someone like you would judge someone with a simple virus. I guess I mis-read the thread though and I understand not wanting to have to used condoms for life!

 

I think you may have gotten me confused with someone else's posts....The only thing I said was that I wouldn't date someone with herpes because I don't want to risk getting herpes and I really, really hate condoms and don't want to use them for life. I don't think people with herpes are "gross" or that "wouldn't touch them with a 10 ft pole". To me, that is needlessly rude.

 

It's really less of a judgement and more of a "I really don't want to risk getting that virus that you have". I'm not making any kind of declaration of "what sort of person gets herpes" or how they are bad, etc. That's just nonsense.

[justagirl2]

I think you may have gotten me confused with someone else's posts....The only thing I said was that I wouldn't date someone with herpes because I don't want to risk getting herpes and I really, really hate condoms and don't want to use them for life. I don't think people with herpes are "gross" or that "wouldn't touch them with a 10 ft pole". To me, that is needlessly rude.

 

It's really less of a judgement and more of a "I really don't want to risk getting that virus that you have". I'm not making any kind of declaration of "what sort of person gets herpes" or how they are bad, etc. That's just nonsense.

 

I got it. I think that's very fair. After thinking about it for the past 2 days, I would rather not date someone with genital herpes either. I mean, cold sores I probably would because most people carry the virus, but I would rather not date someone with HSV 2. If I fell in love though, I mean, I might reconsider. Who knows.

 

When you mean herpes do you means cold sores and genital or just genital?

[Fudgie]

I got it. I think that's very fair. After thinking about it for the past 2 days, I would rather not date someone with genital herpes either. I mean, cold sores I probably would because most people carry the virus, but I would rather not date someone with HSV 2. If I fell in love though, I mean, I might reconsider. Who knows.

 

When you mean herpes do you means cold sores and genital or just genital?

 

Sorry, I should have been more specific. I am talking HSV II on the genitals when I say "herpes". The condom thing really would suck. I get sad just thinking about needing them for life.

 

I would be open to dating someone who gets the rare cold sore now and then. at least if I see it, I can say "well we can kiss in a day or two when that's better". For the record, I do not get cold sores. I sometimes get canker sores in my mouth but not cold sores. I know most people have HSV I though. That's just a fact. My mother doesn't have cold sores either. I guess I just got lucky.

[justagirl2]

Sorry, I should have been more specific. I am talking HSV II on the genitals when I say "herpes". The condom thing really would suck. I get sad just thinking about needing them for life.

 

I would be open to dating someone who gets the rare cold sore now and then. at least if I see it, I can say "well we can kiss in a day or two when that's better". For the record, I do not get cold sores. I sometimes get canker sores in my mouth but not cold sores. I know most people have HSV I though. That's just a fact. My mother doesn't have cold sores either. I guess I just got lucky.

 

I agree with you. I don't get cold sores either and got tested because had a nasty canker sore inside my lip a few months ago and freaked out it could have been a cold sore. So they tested it. I don't think my parents have it either. Maybe they carry the virus but they never had an outbreak.

 

I have a lot of friends who get occasional cold sores though, and they are not promiscuous or anything like it. It's still called "herpes" though and I do think there is a big stigma to cold sores too. I remember a girl got teased for it in high school.

[Fudgie]

Dont worry, HSV sores don't happen inside your mouth. I hear they are also supposed to be extremely painful. My canker sores can hurt a little but nothing horrible and I can run my tongue over them. I accidentally bite the inside of my mouth sometimes for some reason so that's how I get sores in there. >

 

I think it's the "herpes" word that scares people off. When they are called "cold sores", no one cares. Like I said, most people get them from their mothers or even other relatives kissing them when they were babies. It's so common and it's not a big deal as long as you avoid oral and kissing when you have an active, angry sore, which goes away quickly. It's funny how words can make people change their minds so quickly.

[tiredofvampires]

From one of my favorite sex ed sites, out of Columbia University:

 

link removed

 

So...if your partner has oral herpes, you have to consider the possibility that it will manifest as genital herpes, if they perform unprotected oral sex on you. You can of course minimize the risk if they're not having an active outbreak, but the asymptomatic shedding is still an issue. Which then means you can transmit it to their genitals in genital-to-genital sex after that (even though they may have some degree of immunity due to having it on their mouth first.)

 

And as usual, side note, women are more at risk for contraction. The wet mucous membranes of the vagina are preferable to the HSV's than the skin of the penis.

 

I don't know, some of these statistics on this thread, I'm not so sure about. I've checked a lot of sources, and they all seem to concur that HSV2 occurs at more like a 16% rate, not 25%.

 

link removed

 

I think there's conflicting data in the epidemiology.

 

And even though the HSV1 stats are so high...I know LOTS of people, and LOTS of them have stressful periods, and I rarely see anyone with sores that appear on their face/mouth. I mean, it's really the rare person I've known who I've seen with sores on their mouth, even knowing them for years. So the stats don't fit my observations at all (if it was 90%, you'd think quite a lot more of the population would be walking around with visible sores intermittently cropping up on their mouths).

[Fudgie]

Yeah 25% sounded a bit high to me. I think the statistic is that 25% of all adults in the US have SOME kind of STD....herpes, HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhoea, etc. That includes treatable and non-treatable ones.

[tiredofvampires]

Also, harking back to something I wrote earlier (which you said was hysterical, OP):

 

 

 

Here's an (excellent) article and an excerpt echoing what I was saying, from maybe one of the most authoritative sources, link removed (your one-stop herpes info shop, OP):

 

link removed

 

While HSV- 1 can be spread from genitals to genitals, "we think it is spread more easily through oral sex because HSV-1 reactivates more frequently in the oral area," says Wald. However, she warns, "transmission of genital HSV-1 during asymptomatic shedding has been documented." In other words, genital HSV-1 can be spread through genital sex, even when there are no symptoms. "Good" Virus/ "Bad" Virus

 

If HSV infection is as easily transmitted from the mouth as from the genitals, then why do people take steps to prevent genital but not oral infection? Why don't we kiss through dental dams ?

 

"It's ironic, isn't it?" says Wald. "It's not about health, it's about social acceptability."

 

Scientists can tell us all day that the main difference between the two viral types is simply their site of preference-whether they typically occur above the waist or below. But the unspoken attitudes of our society send a different message. That's just the problem, social attitudes whisper. Below the waist is bad.

 

"People think of oral herpes as the "good" herpes and genital herpes as the "bad" kind," says Glover of the National Herpes Hotline. "It's partly that they don't understand the similarities between HSV-1 and 2. But it's also that good and bad is how our culture views sex and our bodies."

 

The inescapable fact is that HSV-1 is usually spread through contact with infected lips, while HSV-2 usually spread through contact with infected genitals. From a social point of view, the problem is not the disease; it's how you got it.