Getting better

[silversoul]

Now he is getting all that from the new girl, makes sense. And his blog is for his self validation. I remember him asking if any pictures I taken of him were good, haha. He didn't want to see pictures of us together, but he wanted to see if any pics of him were good so that he could post him. HAHAHA. And I was feeding his ego taking pics of him constantly. God I was so blind.

[silversoul]

I'm tired of everything, I just want to stop thinking about him, me, everything. I want my old self, I want to be happy and carefree

[silversoul]

Today I'm feeling much better than yesterday. It is sooo strange how the mood swings from almost depressive to okay level. I need to be prepared to such swings. It is natural and over the time these feelings will subside.

 

Today I respect his decision to leave, I can be whole without him, I can live without him. I can't tie people to myself. I like this excerpt from Pablo Neruda's poem If You Forget:

 

Well, now,

if little by little you stop loving me

I shall stop loving you little by little.

 

If suddenly

you forget me

do not look for me,

for I shall already have forgotten you.

 

If you think it long and mad,

the wind of banners

that passes through my life,

and you decide

to leave me at the shore

of the heart where I have roots,

remember

that on that day,

at that hour,

I shall lift my arms

and my roots will set off

to seek another land.

[silversoul]

Think I'm gonna read some Vonnegut, will be a good distraction. Reading self help books is good too, but can be hard.

I like this quote by him:

 

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”

— Kurt Vonnegut

[silversoul]

Let him be, he needs his space. I can't make him happy nor can I help him

[silversoul]

why on earth do I care? he tossed me out like garbage to enjoy his life and new plans.well enjoy them without me.

[silversoul]

He doesn't love me, as simple as that really. Should read Uncoupling book

[silversoul]

I'm so sad right now, can feel the pain in my heart. You don't love me, it is just damn sad. All memories seem fake now, I don't believe you ever loved me. I don't want any memories, I pretty good at blocking them. Good for me. You don't love me and perhaps never did. What a f###ng big joke. It is still liberating to know that you don't love me. I so hope someone will show me true love someday

[silversoul]

I'm mainly disappointed. How could he post about his problems on his tumblr and when I asked what did that post mean he just said nothing important and it doesn't mean anything. I really thought we were each other's confidants. I believed him so much. This is so painful, his inability to relate to me and talk to me just shows he didn't care in the end. That coward look on his face when he hurried down to open the door for me and not let me in, his coldness, how he almost threw me in a taxi, how quick he was to get rid of me. Amazed me to my core. How is this possible? I never thought anyone could do something like this. I will learn my mistakes, but I am not gonna treasure any memories, you ruined it all for me. It is like we never started and never had anything. I refuse to think about the good times, cause you are a coward. I don't need any of those memories, I'll make better ones. I refuse to talk to you now, I don't need you after what you did.

How you started talking to someone online instead of texting me. You know how I treasure time with you, I told you are so important to me, you never appreciated. Just disappointed you didn't turn out to be someone who you were in the beginning.

[silversoul]

I'm also amazed how I let him treat me like that in the end. To string me alone as a friend yet take advantage of me. I really did make this break up so easy for him. How scared and stressed I was, I never sat down and reflected on the situation. Damn amazing, how I just pushed my doubts away. Should always trust your gut feeling and intuition. I knew something was wrong and I was so unhappy yet I didn't pay much attention to how I felt. No self-reflection whatsoever. I'm not going to be in a situation like this again, that's for sure. Had I all the knowledge I possess now, I would have walked away from him months ago and saved myself this pain. Probably, he just came into my life just to teach me that lesson. How to love myself and take care of myself. Not to show me true love like I always thought.

 

This forum is so useful and journalling helps me so much. Reading the stories on the forum, it is interesting to note patterns, even though each relationship and person are unique, there are so many similar patterns and behaviours that it shows that people and their emotions are pretty similar and universal.

[silversoul]

feeling so hurt again

[silversoul]

This ends now.

No more thinking, no more analyzing, no more heartache.

This is my life and I refuse to allow my happiness depend on someone else.

There is no point worrying about this for another second.

I am taking control of this now.

I am the one that has the power to end my pain, no one else.

My thoughts and actions control my feelings.

I can control both, and I will.

There will no more planning, no more searching for a reaction and no more submissiveness.

I deserve better from myself.

If I find myself planning something to get attention, I will stop.

If I find myself reminiscing about better times, I will stop.

If I find myself think about what anyone else is doing apart from myself, I will stop.

Every day that I spend dwelling on that which I can’t control is another day wasted.

Every day that I spend dwelling on that which I can’t control is another day that I have delayed myself from feeling better.

I don’t need to worry about this situation, it is over. I accept that.

This situation is now irresolvable from my end.

I have done all that I can.

I will no longer put myself in a position to be disrespected and I will instead start respecting myself.

I am a prize, I am a catch.

I will not lower myself to a level that I have no business being on.

I am letting it go.

If it comes back, the decision then becomes mine.

I will not wait for it to come back however, my decision has already been made – I am moving on.

If it doesn’t come back, I have my self respect – the knowledge that I have walked away from a situation with my dignity intact.

I will not compromise my dignity again.

I am walking away knowing that I have avoided making someone who has no right feeling above me, feel just that.

I am walking away from this and I will have no regrets.

Mine is not a position to regret because I have given it my all.

My mind is telling me that what I’m putting myself through is wrong, that I am wrong to torture myself over this.

I am now listening.

I will not re-enter the equation.

I will not put myself in harms way again.

I will not leave myself open for rejection.

I will now start respecting myself enough to end my pain.

I am the only one that can do so.

And today is that day.

I’m done.

[silversoul]

I feel ok, even good. I had a dream with him, just felt weird not sad or anything. He doesn't want me anymore, so having a dream in which he wanted me is weird. It is just my mind thinking about early stages of romance which are not real anyway.

[silversoul]

After New Years I will start saving up for a trip. I have several options a) New York - this will obviously be more expensive b) Berlin, Vienna, possibly Paris- cheaper, plus can see friends and relatives, but option a is more tempting.

[silversoul]

What I want in a relationship:

 

ability to communicate

ability to work on a relationship

[silversoul]

things to discuss with my counselor:

- his reappearing, wanting to be friends and changing his mind again, making plans to see me without discussing it with me and of course on the day he was coming to the town anyway.

- his post on tumblr and brushing it off when I asked what it meant

- possibly using his depression as a way to break up and saying he is ready for a relationship if there is a possibility (if someone starts talking to me at a gig, really?!)

- stringing me alone and not communicating clearly what he wanted

- planning trips with her, spending a week with her, she calls him 'hers'?!

- breaking up in a cruel way, blaming and using f words, leaving me alone and with no support

- why did I let this happen, why did I not walk away when he first said he doesn't love me?

[silversoul]

I don't ever want to talk to him or see him. Ever

[silversoul]

Everytime I look him up, it hurts and sets me back. SO much pain. aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I wish I never met him. I will be ok though, better days are ahead, I will be happy.

[silversoul]

Letting go

 

 

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;

It means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off...

It's the realization that I can't control another...

To let go is not to enable,

but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness,

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try and change or blame another,

I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,

but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.

To let go is not to be protective,

It is to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,

but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,

but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,

but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,

 

-- Author unknown

but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

[silversoul]

Feeling of rejection and jealousy and obsessing is just my ego and pride playing. I want to be more than that. After all, you are only a tiny human, as we are all on this planet, you are only trying to make yourself happy. If I love you, I should let you be. I mean if my friend for some reason thought that for whatever reason it would help them not to see me, I would agree I think. The whole life is ahead of me and it doesn't mean I won't ever talk to your or see you again. I don't want to be in a relationship, I agree with your choice, but I think we both of us deserve a better ending to put us at peace. Maybe yes, maybe not. Anyway, I don't want my ego and pride to determine the way I feel

[silversoul]

It is scary how much emotions can control us and make us do certain things which we wouldn't do otherwise. I'm learning to take control of my emotions. I don't ever want to get angry or emotional at anyone. I've noticed I became so much more compassionate since my break-up, I've experienced so much pain that I don't want to anyone to feel it and I can sympathise to people more. It just makes me sad that there are so many people suffering and there is so much bad in the world. But I believe inherently people are good and I wanna be a good person. I should never forget about the pain I had and I will never ever be rude or callous or judgemental about any other person.

 

I'm thinking about going vegan in the new year because I just don't want to bring any pain on any creature on this planet. I just experienced so much pain and I don't want anyone to suffer or make choices that will make any creature to suffer. It just feels wrong. I mean I always kinda been half vegetarian - I don't really like meat except fish. I just ate it when it is heavily processed but I was never able to cook it myself.

[silversoul]

Never look back

[silversoul]

Feeling ok today, only forward. Do not wish to be in contact with him ever again. Now to let my brain catch up with that...

[silversoul]

I'm letting you be with your new found love. I wish I just wouldn't make me feel so sick and disgusted. Ugh

I will be happy. I don't want to know him. New Year is coming, it is a new beginning. I will do anything to be happy

[silversoul]

What is funny is that he never truly loved me, once initial honey moon phase wore off, after a year of a relationship, he stopped loving me. I need to remember this when I want to move on. Different levels of maturity I guess. I guess he needs an excitement of new women. And now he is getting it. Makes me sick.

 

Come one, skinny love, lost a year..

 

I thought it was a a strong love in its glory, now it just feels like it was a stray dog with a broken leg