faraday Posted August 30, 2014 Author Share Posted August 30, 2014 Don't think anyone is judging you or thinks differently about you. I mean that's what this is for, to get all the crazy stuff out of your head, get some advice, get some support and go with a clear head again. There is not a person alive who hasn't had a meltdown of some kind where you look back and go...wth???....was that....yes that includes me too. And since I don't journal....my bf is the lucky recipient of the nuts factor. Good thing he enjoys a bit of drama...lmao.... I'm just paranoid then? Lol Talking to you over the last year....I wouldn't think that you would get emotional...you're like the calm voice of reason in my world lol Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 We're judging you. Silently. Yes, of course you're being judged. You have to judge to size up a situation. Just probably most people aren't judging the way you think they are("omg, her inner workings could be used for the overly attached girlfriend memes"). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 30, 2014 Author Share Posted August 30, 2014 it IS so hard watching someone you care about do potentially dangerous stuff, and her situation really does sound dubious, really sketch. And i bet that deep down she knows this, otherwise she would not have shut you down when you tried to talk to her. I think she is probably riding the infatuation wave, the high, and just hasn't admitted to herself that this is potentially a very scary entanglement. Is she the desperate type? She...hasn't had a bf ever. And she's 30. She's been used for sex by guys misleading her....they always have gfs. Her picker is seriously broken. And right before this trip, she finally (I've been begging her for the last 5 years) joined eH....and they rejected her. So she went on her trip on that note...feeling like...no one will ever love her. And it's crazy...because she's beautiful, funny, smart, she has it together...she just picks guys that aren't into her...and crushes on them for months/years...so...I'm concerned about this guy...because she might not come out of this for months. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 30, 2014 Author Share Posted August 30, 2014 We're judging you. Silently. Yes, of course you're being judged. You have to judge to size up a situation. Just probably most people aren't judging the way you think they are("omg, her inner workings could be used for the overly attached girlfriend memes"). Bwhahaha that's exactly what I fear!!! Sometimes I think some people on here could be in those memes so...lol Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Well, that explains your paranoia, projecting it onto the rest of us, lol. Btw, this is my favorite one: image removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 I feel bad for your friend. I was rejected from eH too, no matches available. I won't use them again. It's like oh well, just not for me! It's the same as going into a bar and not getting hit on. It's just not the right avenue. I hope she stays safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 So Jay and I had an interesting discussion the other night...and I'm mad. His landlord just listed his place. And Jay said, "I debated putting in an offer, but I know you don't want to live there and it's not worth it to buy a place if you're going to sell it within 5 years...so I didn't." And...I thought, that's so sweet that he's thinking about me...and it made me really feel good. I said, "it's too bad that this is happening right now...maybe it won't sell for 6 months and we'll be in a place to move in together or whatever." and he agreed....and then said, "but I can't live with a room mate like how you do. That won't work for me, you'll have to do something else." And...it made me angry. Okay, I totally get that very few people would want to live with someone with developmental disabilities...Sometimes...I don't want to. It's stressful. But it's an awesome passive income for me right now. It supports us while I get my art thing up and running...which might take years to become established. He's known this has been my plan since our second date. I told him everything. How I quit my life to go back to school, I was taking in a room mate...my life is going to be a financial mess for a few years...and he was fine continuing on dating me. And now...he wants me to change if we're going to live together. It's a HUGE hot button topic for me...because when my daughter was younger, I ran a dayhome so I could stay home with her. And Mat (my ex) was fine with me having a dayhome....until he started realizing one day we would have to live together....and although he made over $200,000 a year, I "needed" to work...but had to pay for childcare by myself...and I don't have the education to make what I make working for someone else. The dayhome was a sweet income...and I was with my daughter, and that was important to me when she was little. So...that drove a huge wedge in us (we had many) because he thought I should just go get a different job because it worked better for him. And I feel like Jay is saying that to me now. And I'm mad. I get why his side makes sense. I do. I just hate being told continuously to change. Like F-it, maybe I'm not cut out to have another child. Maybe I won't be able to date until my art business is thriving in 10 years...and it will be too late for kids...so I should just accept that none of this is in the cards. I can just date until I'm financially stable. Or date one of the many men I met on eH last year that wanted a nice stay at home wife. I could marry a guy that works in oil and stay home with kids and work on my art. Sorry, I'm ranting. So mad. I just wish people would stop surprising me with the whole, "I like you for you!...oh wait...I only like you if you fit in this box." AHHHHH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 I wanted to add...that I haven't said anything to Jay about being upset. He has no idea. We ended on a really sweet note...and I have kept my mouth closed. But I'm friggin seething today. I have no idea what to say to him. In other news, I have booked up my calendar. I have plans several of the days he's in town. I want to focus on me for a while...and being happy. I need my friends to ground me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christwowheels Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 I can see where he's coming from too. I mean, if he was jealous or something and wanted you to not have roommates while you two are just dating, that would be an obvious red flag. But he's just being relatively normal in not wanting to have roommates while he's living with his girlfriend. On the other hand, you're completely within your rights to expect a guy to accept you completely. The downside of that is that it is going to be far more difficult to find somebody. It could happen though--my girlfriend and I have some very unusual plans for our future that most people wouldn't put up with, so maybe you can have it all. Right now though, you have a boyfriend and you need to figure out if you can accept him as he is, and do the right thing and cut him loose if you aren't able to. As for the passive aggressive method of dealing with these issues (avoiding him when he's around), that's not going to work. See if you can talk out your problems. If you can't, then you know the relationship isn't worth saving just on that basis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 The roommate isn't just a roommate...I get paid over $3000 a month for this. It's my job and my primary source of income right now. It's a short term plan...either I do this for 3-5 years until my art is somewhat supporting me...or I work part time, get rid of the room mate and my bf will need to cover more expenses. I guess...I look at it as...he's gone 50% of the time. So I get why he wants the place to himself when he's here...but then...is he going to be okay living with my daughter? me?? But he's also gone 50% of the time too, which means that I have to completely change my life around for him...and he's not even here. He's a super introvert, all of this would be a huge change for him. That whole conversation just has me wondering if this really could work. It's funny. Up until four days ago..I felt like...yes...I finally found someone I can see myself with forever...and now.....I'm not so sure. And I get that I have a weird arrangement. That's why I said, maybe I won't get into relationships until my art is my sole income. Maybe it's not possible to have a relationship at this point in my life. I don't know. And I'm making plans with my friends not to be passive aggressive, but because has been my goal in the last month...to not rely on him for my social needs, to not drop everything in my schedule when he gets into town...because it puts too much pressure on him. I still have lots of time to see him...I'm just also making time for me. I signed up for a knitting class. I have 2 wine nights a week now. 3 coffee dates a week during the day when he's at work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 You are being ridiculous. Also, you are flaring up baggage from the past and burning yourself up in it. He is right and he is correct to express concerns and wishes how to live together IF you two were to move in. He rightfully has a say so in that. Also, you are approaching this from my house, my income, I"M IN CONTROL type position. Living together is a partnership deal. If that means that he will have to pick up more bills if there is no roommate, that's something you discuss openly and make decisions on together. You don't just have yourself a little fit because someone doesn't want to live how you do. What works for you when you are living on your own, is not going to work when living with someone else. If you think that you'll ever find someone who will just blindly accept everything and go along with everything you are both ridiculous and setting yourself up to end up with yet another loser who wants the woman to do everything while he does nothing. This is an ongoing theme with you. Tell him why you have the roommate, talk about funds and what would getting rid of the roommate mean. Maybe he'll shrug and say, "that's fine I'll pay more" or maybe he'll suddenly reconsider having the roommate around for at least awhile. You don't know until you talk about it in a rational manner. All of the above said lovingly, albeit grumpy. I kind of feel like slapping you upside the head over this. OMG...I'm so angry I have a good man who wants a normal life and household with me. Let go of the control freak from hell in you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 It sounds like he just isn't comfortable with the idea in the future (however far off that may be) but as you said, this is a short-term thing for you so it may very well not be an issue when that time comes. For example, you can get your art business going while you guys continue to date (but not live together) and then once you are comfortable financially, you can be on your own with your daughter and he can move in. He may also feel that he makes enough $$ and can contribute to your expenses if you guys live together in the future thus eliminating the need for a roommate. His reluctance to live with a roommate, I wouldn't take that a sign that he may not be okay with living with you and your daughter. He knew from the beginning that you have a small daughter...if he wasn't okay with the idea of living with you and her in the future, he wouldn't be with you. I mean, I'm assuming you've had talks about the future in terms of his desire to cohabitate/marry in the future? If that's something he has indicated that he wants and he has continued to see you, going by from what you say, he's a smart/level-headed guy so he knows that it entails living with you and your daughter. I sympathize with you. I have a sibling with autism. I would like to live with her in a place big enough so we have our own bedsrooms/bathrooms but share a kitchen and such, or live very close to her in the future when we are both much older. She is quite independent but needs some overseeing and I will provide that after my parents are gone. I love her and I don't want to see her get taken advantage of. It's a situation that would make most guys turn away and you know, that's okay....this is my choice, my life, and I will make my choices as they come and if I must compromise, I will but only within reason. I understand the difficulties of living with someone who has developmental issues and I get that it's not everyone's cup of tea. It doesn't, however, mean that someone would be unwilling to do other things (ie live with you and your daughter) because they are unwilling to live with someone with those problems. I don't think it means that you need to stay single for the next several years. You've been upfront about your situation from the start, that's all you can do. We all have things about us that rule us out for other people. That's just the natural of dating. Yes, there may be guys who aren't going to go for your situation but so what, they aren't right for you. If you wait for years to get everything "just right" before dating, well, then you may never date! Nothing will ever be perfect. I think he is thinking of the future right now and that's why he said what he said...and you don't want this living arrangement to be long-term anyway so I wouldn't sweat it at this time. That's just my feeling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 You make me laugh. Like out loud in the middle of Starbucks. Thanks I realize that this is my baggage. Jay is a frugal guy. I'm not. So, if I give up my income and make significantly less...I'm somehow doubting that he's going to want to pay more unless we're married (we actually talked about this a bit, and he said he would be fine contributing more if we were married- but that's a few years out). He also doesn't want to get engaged unless we live together first. So I feel backed into a corner. Seriously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 Oh oh, back the truck up. Throw the baby out with the bathwater much? Living with a roommate vs. living with you and your daughter are two totally different things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 Your post just caught my eye. I said, "it's too bad that this is happening right now...maybe it won't sell for 6 months and we'll be in a place to move in together or whatever." and he agreed....and then said, "but I can't live with a room mate like how you do. That won't work for me, you'll have to do something else." And...it made me angry. Don't put pressure on your relationship based on timing (6 mos, 12 mos, whatever). He said that living with a developmentally disabled roommate won't work for him, and I'd take his comment "you'll have to do something else" to mean if you want to live together. Don't move in with him as long as you need the income from the special needs roommate. Finances are often things to work out before living together, so it's not that unusual to wait until you both can pull your way financially. Base the decision to move in together on practical matters as well as emotional. You are talking about a shared living situation, which has to work for both. It would work for some folks, but not everyone. And maybe over time he'll get to know your roommate and feel differently. Who knows. Try not to take it personally. He's not asking you to change any more than you are asking him to change, and that may just mean that you are jumping the gun with the "living together someday" talk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 You make me laugh. Like out loud in the middle of Starbucks. Thanks I realize that this is my baggage. Jay is a frugal guy. I'm not. So, if I give up my income and make significantly less...I'm somehow doubting that he's going to want to pay more unless we're married (we actually talked about this a bit, and he said he would be fine contributing more if we were married- but that's a few years out). He also doesn't want to get engaged unless we live together first. So I feel backed into a corner. Seriously. You are waaaayyyyy over reacting. The horse is over here....the cart is somewhere half way around the globe right now. First of all, you didn't even know his intentions at all until just now. Heck even now, you have no idea if this is something that will become real or not. Remember that you've known each other barely six months and most of that time he is gone anyway. Nobody is moving tomorrow and you'll have many conversations about this in the future before anything concrete can even happen. Right now you are just having an irrational tizzy, over reacting, over thinking, puking baggage up from Mat, and the funny part is that nobody is actually asking you to do anything right now or even make any decisions right now. If he can't express his possible future preferences without you having a control freak meltdown....you might be the problem..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 I guess I just can't see how this will work. Maybe you guys can explain it to me? So, my job is living with someone and being a care provider. She's gone all day M-F, and this pays enough that I can live on it....and I have my days free to paint, research, apply to galleries, etc. This is the absolute perfect system for me right now. If I wait until my art is selling enough to support me (hopefully 3-5 years...but...it could take 20 years...who knows?), then Jay moves in, then he proposes, then we get married...at best case scenario, we won't be getting married until I'm 34. There's no time to enjoy being married or living together...it's just pop out a baby time. I'm not having children after 35. Jay and I discussed that on our third date...just like a generic, "if I don't have another child by 35, I'm not going to" kind of thing, and he completely agreed that it's the right thing to do. I just don't understand how it would work any differently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 Isn't the whole point of dating to determine if someone is right for you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 And I get what you're saying. I'm not freaking out. I'm just trying to figure out how things would look if they did work. He gave me things to think about...and that's what I'm doing DF Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 Frugal doesn't necessarily = not willing to pay more in expenses when living with you. It really depends. My grandfather was extremely frugal but he was the sole breadwinner and everything got paid in that household. Maybe he'd find you guys ways to save $$ if you lived together but he would be happy to contribute to expenses because that's part of living together. Or, as DF said, maybe he'd reconsider the roommate situation once he knew exactly how much you were making from that. And maybe it's all a moot point because maybe by then, you won't need a roommate at all! Who knows?? It's so far off AND you two haven't sat down and talked it out together, making concrete plans. So anything is really an assumption at this point. There are ways it could work. He could reconsider having a roommate and be fine with it, or he could say "I'll pay more" in terms of the expenses and maybe you take a part time job in the meantime until your art stuff takes off. If he's willing to assume some extra cost in exchange for no roommate and you guys have enough $$, well, then there you go. Or maybe you make enough from your art to make it work without a roommate by then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 Frugal doesn't necessarily = not willing to pay more in expenses when living with you. It really depends. My grandfather was extremely frugal but he was the sole breadwinner and everything got paid in that household. Maybe he'd find you guys ways to save $$ if you lived together but he would be happy to contribute to expenses because that's part of living together. Or, as DF said, maybe he'd reconsider the roommate situation once he knew exactly how much you were making from that. And maybe it's all a moot point because maybe by then, you won't need a roommate at all! Who knows?? It's so far off AND you two haven't sat down and talked it out together, making concrete plans. So anything is really an assumption at this point. I don't know. I have a feeling I'm going to be justifying purchases a lot...which is fair if we're sharing income...but not fair if I have to give up my income. Does that make sense? Like, he thinks I'm crazy for buying fancy tea. And micro brew beer....and hosting dinner parties. So if it was his money....I'm not sure it wouldn't be a fight. And what happens if I want to sign Tine up for a $400 camp or something? I know, cart...horse...but it's like when people are in long distance relationships for years and people say "haven't you ever planned on living together or at least in the same city?" and they're like, "we never talked about it...I just figured it would work itself out". I think about things. I'm a mom...I have to plan things out. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 It was really a comment in passing, faraday. You are treating it as though you two were going to put a down payment on a home tomorrow. If you really want him to clarify and elaborate, ask him to instead of dropping fake honey on him while you inwardly stew. Get a clearer idea on his general plans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 It was really a comment in passing, faraday. You are treating it as though you two were going to put a down payment on a home tomorrow. If you really want him to clarify and elaborate, ask him to instead of dropping fake honey on him while you inwardly stew. Get a clearer idea on his general plans. We'll talk about it when he gets into town. I'm not doing this over text or at 11pm when we're both tired and grumpy. We haven't spoken since we had this conversation....and I wasn't mad when we talked about it at that time...until I had time to think about it....so it's not like that. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 We'll talk about it when he gets into town. I'm not doing this over text or at 11pm when we're both tired and grumpy. We haven't spoken since we had this conversation....and I wasn't mad when we talked about it at that time...until I had time to think about it....so it's not like that. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Good idea. Text convos are bad, tired, heavy convos are bad. It can wait. Have that conversation before you start going into doom mode. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 Good idea. Text convos are bad, tired, heavy convos are bad. It can wait. Have that conversation before you start going into doom mode. Lol. So what does that conversation look like? Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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