faraday Posted August 19, 2014 Author Share Posted August 19, 2014 Thanks for responding Fudgie I really am over it. I'm okay. I had a moment...and I took time and thought about it...and Jay and I are fine. It really was just a "real" relationship glimpse, and I'm not worried about the state of our relationship. I don't know if it's forever...but it's good today. He does notes all the time. We're both big readers. He sticks post it notes with little "I miss you *picture of a stick man with big arms* thiiiiis much" and "You make me smile in my pockets and in crevices in my car...so I find them randomly when he's gone. I'm not like going to write some like "you're my everything" letter.....but like...a ...."I like when you bear hug me and almost take us both down, you always know how to make me laugh. Thanks for getting me." Kind of thing. Idk, I need to think about it and make it from me. Maybe I'll fill it with pink glitter hearts...he'll have a wth moment and laugh (because he'll be covered in glitter and he's a total guys guy working out in the middle of no where with a bunch of burly men). hahaha, poor Jay....this is payback for him getting me with the hose last weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 21, 2014 Author Share Posted August 21, 2014 Jay called tonight to tell me that he really liked the screen shots I sent him from here of me talking about our first few dates I think he thought it was a bit odd that I post online, but he said that it was interesting reading what I thought about him as a first impression. I'm trying to think of what I can send him through overnight mail that will travel well, and doesn't need to be heated or need utensils when it arrives. He has a fridge. Any ideas? I wish I could send him real food...like homemade lasagna or spanikopita or something...things that are better homemade. It would suck eating at restaurants in crappy small a towns or living out of a bar fridge. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Fudge, pound cake, brownies...Muffins? Beef jerky? An eggless pie? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 21, 2014 Author Share Posted August 21, 2014 The vegetarian in me can't handle making beef jerky lol...but I could make him brownies...Mmm I could make a double batch...lol Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 I vote for brownies because they are easy to pack and send. In my experience, they won't get stale as quickly as cookies. You could bake them and have your daughter decorate them in her own little way too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Triple batch, one for us ENAers! And that's such a good idea for Clementine to decorate. I've never sent brownies but I have sent fudge, and it kept well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 21, 2014 Author Share Posted August 21, 2014 Triple batch, one for us ENAers! And that's such a good idea for Clementine to decorate. I've never sent brownies but I have sent fudge, and it kept well. Lol, my problem is that if I make any extra, I'll glutton it! "What brownies?" Today is the perfect day for brownies...it's raining and cold...my fireplace just kicked on...I can't imagine a more perfect day for brownie making! I'm excited now. I'm making pasta sauce in the crock pot right now...I'm going to make a lasagna in there when the sauce is finished. I love days like today when they're randomly in the middle of heat waves The thing with shipping food is, that it needs to be packed tight...like I'll make it in those aluminium tins, that come with the lids...and it will need to line up with the top of the container or they'll break in shipping and he'll get brownie crumbles...so Tine can decorate but it'll all get smooshed I'm sure he won't care though lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 So what did you end up making? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 Lol nothing yet! I ended up having a friend day yesterday. I met up with a friend that's going through a break up (it's funny, his relationship is in the two month mark- and is very much like Mat and I was...and he's wanting to resolve things with her...and I was like "run away!" But he won't. Its crazy how clear it is from the outside how unhealthy of a relationship it is. It must have been so hard for my friends to watch me get back together with mat repeatedly) and went through shops in a quirky part of town...and then my parents watched the kids for a bit so I could go to a party for a bit...one of my friends hosted this big event selling tea, Jamberry and Stella and dot...it was nice to go be around people, I needed that. I've been spending way to much time alone. So I was thinking about what you said about being demanding about jays time when he's in town, and I think I have it figured out. So when he comes into town, I clear my schedule, I want to be available for him when he can see me. So he never can really plan things out more than a day or two in advance because he never knows when he's coming back and he has to plan around other people too. So I clear my schedule, and work around his...but my life isn't as flexible as his, my friends plan things out in advance, so if jay is busy on Sunday, and I don't find out until Saturday...I'm kind of stuck at home doing nothing because everyone I know is busy. So I am more demanding on him. Now I realise the solution is to keep my plans when he's in town...but I wouldn't see him at all...I'm normally pretty busy with stuff. Even of o kept some things in my plans, they might conflict with what he has going on...and I feel like it's my job to be available because he's normally not here...but then I kind of resent him when he had plans :S. I just figured that all out...so now I need to figure out some solutions or "re-frame" for my own sanity. It is nice dating someone that's not around all the time because it IS special when he's here. But on the flip side, it's hard because I have a strong life outside him, obligations, book clubs...and i feel like everything stops when he's here. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I'd think that because you have such a strong life outside of him, that it would be easier to handle the hiccups since you can actually afford some down time of sorts as you are always busy with stuff otherwise anyway. Maybe consider a more flexible plan B. Like you clear your schedule, but if he is not available, you are not just sitting. Kind of a if Jay is free tonight, great. If not, you are going to take Tine to the movies or whatever. Little things like that, that don't necessarily require strict advance planning and can be changed around on the fly. Even with things like book clubs, unless you are hosting, then if you come you come, if not, fine. All you have to do is tell people that you might not make it and not take on any responsibilities for bringing snacks, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 Hmmm...I'm giving off the wrong idea of what my life is like. I get what you're saying, and it makes sense...it just doesn't work for me like that. it's not like book clubs and scheduled group things are all the time. The majority of it is one on one...and I need to plan things because I have such a weird schedule with my roommate (so I need to make plans for her ahead of time) and both of them (roommate and tine) go to bed at 7:30....which means that if I don't have friends coming over, I'm stuck at home alone, posting here The majority of things that I do, I host so that they can go to bed on time. People come for tea or wine a few nights a week...and I host dinner parties. I plan out going for lunch several weeks in advance with friends because they have business lunches or need to have a clear schedule to do)...so I don't plan anything for a few days before jay comes into town (because he's often early) or for a few days later. (Because often times he stays here longer than initially planned). He often finds out what he's doing the day before it's happening). I need to be flexible with him, because he has no idea where in the world he'll be until a day before it happens. He could actually show up here tomorrow. So my plans are not flexible. It's rare that something happens spur of the moment...just the way my friends are, and the way I am (as a parent)....so I've been really cutting down on everything even when he's gone, in case he comes back. I feel sometimes like my life is on hold. It's not fair to him, but his schedule isn't fair to either of us. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I firmly believe that we all build our own fences and once they are built, it's really hard to see beyond them and limitations they impose. So perhaps this is the challenge life is throwing at you - figure out how to shift those fences or at least cut out some openings. How is that for philosophical gibberish? Anyway, I'm certain that once you put your mind to it, you'll work out a balance that works for you. I think right now you are stuck in the you really really like him and don't want to risk a single moment with him, especially because he might be gone again for a long time. However, some balance might be that you actually take a deep breath and do make at least one firm plan even when he is around. Another thought is, is there anything you can do where he can either come along or not? So basically your plan is set and scheduled and then if he can join, great and if not, still fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 24, 2014 Author Share Posted August 24, 2014 I've been thinking a lot about what you've said DF, and I believe that we make our own fences too. I'm just not sure how to move mine...I was kind of hoping people would have more ideas...which I know is hard not knowing my full situation. Basically, I have to be home every night by 7:30 to get kids into bed. Often I have people over to hang out. I can sometimes ask my parents to watch them so I can go out...like once every 2 weeks. I like to try to use that babysitting time for a date night with Jay when he is in town. I can pay someone to watch my room mate....but it's expensive...and I can't leave Tine in that situation, so I would either need to bring her (not possible if it's later in the evening or if I'm going to a pub, which is where friends typically meet if not at my house) or pay a second time for babysitting. So...because of the added expense, I generally host. And...I adore Jay, but I think it would be awkward if he was there one on one with one of my gfs...and that's typically what happens in my life right now. A solution would be to host multiple people so it's a group thing...then it wouldn't be awkward (and I have done this...I don't know how much Jay actually enjoyed it though because he's an introvert)....ugh, I don't know. I really do feel stuck in this I'll ask Jay what he thinks. I do know that he does appreciate me keeping my schedule open when he is here. His love language is quality time (and physical touch) so he appreciates when it's us hanging out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigKK Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 faraday, I actually have no solutions or advice. Your response made it sound like it's pretty rigid in your mind, so it's difficult to come up with an idea on how to have available time while still maintaining a life. You definitely don't want to be holding your breath everytime there is a chance he might be around. I know the feeling, but after awhile I think you might get tired and exhausted and feel like a few things are missing if you're giving up things to POSSIBLY see him. It's tough though, because you don't have a lot of time with him. So you want quality (more than likely) one-on-one time. BUT I think it's good if the two of you interact in a group setting as well, and you see him interacting with a range of your close friends and just get to see how he gets along or doesn't get along. I am not sure how much of that you two already do. But like I said, it's tough to give advice based on how your life is setup right now, but I'll ponder and let you know if I think of something or get a better grasp of how it works all for you. I was thinking you just make plans (like DF mentioned) where he can always +1 or not, and if not you're still doing your thing. I would talk to him about and try to let him be as open as possible and see what he says. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 If he is more of an introvert, he might actually like the just 3 of you more than the group thing. I don't know. It's only awkward if you make it so. I have some friends where it's quite often me, my friend and their spouse or SO. We hang out quite easily. Part of it I guess is that the SO and I get along really well as well. So it's easy and easy going. There might be a period of integration so to speak and creating new dynamics, but in your case, it might be worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 25, 2014 Author Share Posted August 25, 2014 I just planned a day out to visit a glacier with my family...and invited Jay "if he's in town". He liked that. It's going to be 8 hours in a car with my parents, roommate and daughter...he's a brave man lol. I will think about ways to still have friends over...it's a bit weird, most of my friends are single...and we do really girly things when they're over....like crafts or knitting, which Jay thinks is cute but not so interested in participating in. I'm secretly quite geriatric in my life lol. Although, I could keep doing those things, and tell him to go climbing...his favourite gym is close to my house...and he could come over after...actually...that might be the winning ticket.... Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 Honestly, I think it's just a matter of you mentally loosening up some habits. Like I'm sure that my friend's husband doesn't love us gossiping about girly things. However, we do include him in ways that does interest him - food, beer, wine, sports, esp. football. All three of us are into sports anyway, so mutual topic. So that's what we usually start of with. After snacks and a couple of drinks, we drift off onto girly things and he usually chills out with whatever latest beer or wine find. It's kind of our thing to trade back and forth - some interesting find to share with each other. It's not about constant undivided attention and engagement, so much as easy companionship. He drifts in and out of our girly conversation as he pleases. I think it's that part that you have to loosen up on and trust that people don't need that from you to enjoy themselves in your company. Part of this is actually letting him into your ordinary life and letting him be a part of it to whatever degree he chooses. It's that transition from dating where it's all intense one on one to actually learning how to be comfortable with each other in different situations, when friends are over, when you have your knitting evening with your pal, etc. I mean if you were living together, he would be around for all of that, right? He would also maybe join in some conversation and then maybe move on to watching some tv, etc., right? It's transitioning from dating to real life, not that you should ever forget dating and special time with each other. Look at it as adding another dimension. Also, I love what you did above in terms of planning something and inviting him if he is available. It's a nice solution that gives him a heads up that he can plan around as he wants. If he is in town for 3 days, he can go with you on x day, then take care of his business on y day and spend whatever time is left with you. That helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 25, 2014 Author Share Posted August 25, 2014 I haven't lived with someone in...5 years....I forgot that MDF (my daughters father) used to be there for girls nights...although he used to go read in our room...he did usually hang out for the initial part...and jay is less introverted than him...so maybe that will work? We talked about my compartmentalizing a long time ago, do you remember that? It was back with Mat...he was mad that I wasn't introducing him and it was partly due to it being that I have friendships that are independent of each other- so no groups. I keep my friends separate...and while I'm fine introducing everyone, and I want everyone to meet jay...I still like to keep them separate on a deeper level. This might partly be because when MDF and I split, it broke up groups of friends...and that was hard. Jay introduced me to his best friend (who is new to town) and told me to be friends with him. His friend and I hang out with jay, and when jay is out of town, he helps me with art stuff and texts me about girls he's dating. I ask jay before things happen (like helping me with art stuff) and he's like, "yeah, that's awesome, he needs friends, be his friend." Maybe I'm defective lol. I just really like one on one time. I feel like it's more intimate...like friendships are more real when they're one on one. And pretty much every friend I'm close with is introverted. I wish all my interactions with humans were like that lol. I guess I need to get over it and be more open. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 25, 2014 Author Share Posted August 25, 2014 Also, I talked to jay last night...and he's so sad right now. He's been sick for a few weeks...and he's beyond tired. He just wants his own bed...and to not work 16 hour days. I feel bad for him....I've never seen him like this and I totally get it. I'm making him apple squares. Because he likes pie more than cake (he's defective ) I'm going to send them out tomorrow. I hope it'll brighten his day a bit. He's hoping when he comes back that he won't head out for a bit...like a month. I'm really hoping. I picked up a card yesterday for him. I'm going to write cute things and stick it in with the apple squares. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 Mmmm....apple pie when you are sick is soothing....the warm steam, the smell of apples and cinnamon.....aaahhhh....yum Great...thanks...now I'm craving pie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigKK Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 I want apply pie now too... time to try to get myself sick! that's really nice of you faraday! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 26, 2014 Author Share Posted August 26, 2014 Not pie, squares link removed And I made him rolo cookies...chocolate cookie balls with rolos inside. They make me happy. He's just so down right now. I need to figure out a way to spend time at his place when he gets back at least for a day or two...so he doesn't have to come here (it's always my house because of my child/room mate responsibilities....)...I know he'll spend a ton of time at my house because he'll want to be with me....but I also know...my house is not the same as being home...Especially because he doesn't get to sleep in his own bed a lot. Maybe I'll end up hiring respite for a few days...it'll cost a lot...but I know he'll really like that. He keeps inviting me over for in the future when my room mate moves out "In November, you and Tine can come stay with me for a week. And I'll cook for you because you always cook for me and I want to take care of you too." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 I know I know...not the same....but close enough.....still craving apple pie....lol.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 26, 2014 Author Share Posted August 26, 2014 lol, I can't reason with you people! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted August 27, 2014 Author Share Posted August 27, 2014 Random rant. My house cleaner was supposed to come on Saturday afternoon (which I hate, but she said it's the only time she can come)...but cancelled the night before and rescheduled for today. It's 3 pm. So I texted her and asked her what was going on...and she told me she would come for 2 hours today and 2 tomorrow. I don't want someone cleaning when the kids get home, and I'm trying to make dinner and get them ready for bed. So I told her to come on the 6th because that would have been the next time she was due to come. I'm annoyed. I phoned a few different cleaners in the area to get estimates and meet with them and see if I get a good vibe. This sucks, she's a friend of a friend...and I don't want to let her go...but..This is the second time this has happened....and I need someone that does what they say they're going to do /end rant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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