Starting Over....again.

[DancingFool]

It's early days with Lee yet, but they are always the best days aren't they..... Anyway, I hope they stabilize into permanent good.

 

As for Mat....ugh.....fear is our worst enemy. I mean you have someone and you know in your gut they are toxic, but then fear raises its ugly head and starts whispering in your ear "maybe that's as good as it gets...and he does have some upsides....and it could be worse....and when it's good, it's great.....but the bad times....well....they pass....and what if you never meet someone who is at least as good....what if you end up alone..." And so you string yourself along for ages.

 

The amazing part is that when you finally break free you realize how silly that fear was and how life is so much better without the toxic garbage sapping your energy and self esteem. It's literally like a dark thundercloud lifts away and you see something you haven't seen ages - glorious sunshine and joy.

[faraday]

And...another one bites the dust. Lol.

 

Last night we celebrated v-day together because this weekend I have a client staying with me.

 

So...a few weeks ago we were talking about v-day, and he said, "I can't wait! I'm going to do something really special for you!"

 

I'm not normally v-day person. I don't care about this "holiday"...but if he's excited, I'll be excited too...because that's sweet, right?

 

So he's always commenting on my headboard...so I found one that needed refinishing and redid it...and side tables. It's been in my garage for the last week and half, I haven't been able to park in there...he knows I can't park in there even though it's -30, because his present is taking up too much space.

 

So he comes over and I'm so excited to show him...and he was excited. Said he really liked it and thanked me a bunch.

 

So we went out to dinner...came home...went to bed...he's trying to have sex...and I wasn't as into it...he asked why...and so I said, "I thought we were celebrating v-day today". And he said, "well, every day is v-day with you babe." "So...is anything happening this weekend?" "...no"

"Why did you tell me v-day you were going to do something special then? Like, it's not about getting a present, but...you told me that it was going to be special and you knew I haven't been able to park in my garage because of your present...you've called a few times and I've mentioned "oh, I'm working on your v-day gift"...so...why did you give me expectations?"

 

"Well...I didn't know what to get you...and I've been really busy at work."

 

So we're laying there in silence...his breathing changes like he's sleeping...I go take a bath...I come back 15 minutes later and he's gone.

 

So I called him. No answer. I text him..."so...what is this? Is this a fight or are we done?"

 

No response. An hour later I told him I'm done.

 

He responds by asking "why I turned on him so quick".

 

So then he wants to text. He told me that he feels pressured because I am pre packaged with a kid (fair enough)...I ask him why he comes over all the time. We schedule two dates a week, and he's been showing up an extra 3 or 4 at my house because he "misses" me. Then he said he really likes me and the pressure is all in his head, and maybe he's not ready to settle down and have kids yet like he thought, and he's going to call his EAP program tomorrow to talk about why his emotions don't work...hes so full of carp.

 

hes coming by tomorrow to say bye to Tine...ugh, I'm never doing that again! She liked him him a lot. My parents liked him a lot..

 

It's weird...I'm not that sad. In the last few days, he hasn't left (like it's been 4 days straight of him showing up at my house) and I've been feeling annoyed with him. Like he retells stories a lot...and is a bit "punny" which annoys me...so this is a good thing...but it just sucks for clementine. She'll be okay.

 

Starting again.

 

HAPPY SINGLES AWARENESS DAY!!

 

 

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[faraday]

On the plus side, I texted mark and told him...so we're hanging out on Sunday

 

 

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[DancingFool]

Yeash......hugs your way

 

Wow I can't believe he slithered off while you were in the shower. Whatever the issues he may have had, that was low. Don't know but sometimes I think pathetic behavior like that sure makes it easy to move on. It would leave me totally cold and not giving a f*ck any further even if he came crawling back.

 

Anyway, good you have Mark. Just take it easy, let the guy work a little at proving worth your time.

[faraday]

When he came over yesterday...it was weird. He cried. He told me that when I said I was disappointed it reminded him of every relationship he's been in so far because every gf tells him that. He told me it was just going to be a downhill slide from now on...that this is him at his best, that he's not a thoughtful person and even his family gets annoyed with him because he's so self absorbed. He said he felt guilty because I cook fantastic meals when we're together and plan fun dates...he said he feels like he doesn't bring anything to the table.

 

Blah blah blah. I thanked him (word for word) "for the lovely cliche 'it's not you, it's me' speech." And told him to have a good life. I then blocked him on everything...because I'm sure he'll be back.

 

As for Mike...he might just be asking me out as friends...I'm not really sure what's going on with that one...but we have great chemistry and he makes me laugh so...

 

Full time school starts on Tuesday...I'm going to be going 6 days a week for the next few weeks...and eventually it goes down to 5 days, then half days, then 3 half days a week...I'm going to be too busy and too tired to be moving fast.

 

My potential future roommate is staying with me this week. She's a lot of fun...she's actually the same age as me, and very high functioning, so we've had fun painting our nails, cooking, watching chick flicks...it's been nice...and the plus is that she's very good with Tine.

 

 

How was your v-day DF?

 

 

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[DancingFool]

Wild.... lee sounds like he has major mental issues. Oh well, at least you had some fun while it lasted and the issues surfaced before any real attachment happened. In an odd way win/win.

 

Anyway, I'm not really into vday beyond just a token acknowledgement. In other words I don't find forced romance romantic and neither does bf so we don't really go out of our way to do anything. Just spent some nice time together over the weekend.

 

How was you time with Mike on Sunday?

[faraday]

I get what you mean...I've never celebrated v-day other than a nice homemade dinner. More laid back. Sounds like you guys had a good weekend

 

I don't think Mike is looking for dating. He's traveling a lot in the next year...he owns several drag racing cars and he talked a lot about that. I think he's really enjoying being single...he's a great guy...I just don't think he's for me. I plan on hanging out with him more- he might know the guy I end up with.

 

School has been good so far. There are some really dumb people in my class though...omg....I feel bad for our instructor.

 

As for Lee....He does appear to have unhinged... I also think a lot of it was that he just stopped being into me. And that's okay. I wish people could just say "my feelings changed" or whatever instead of making up some elaborate explanation...but he's done. I've replayed things a few times in my head...and he gave no indication he wasn't happy or wanting to end things before that night. Even when we were out at dinner, he was talking about things we were going to do this summer, a weekend trip he wanted to go with me on...things that were future based. I really didn't see this coming. Quite a shock. But...I've learned a lot from my break up with Mat...I think blocking him is the best course of action....He'll have a hard time contacting me if he wants to...I'm hoping he won't.

 

Mat made up a new email and emailed me again two days ago to tell me he finally read Enders Game and loved it. I gave him my copy almost 3 years ago...I forgot he still had it. I didn't respond. I don't plan to. I wish he would go away.

 

Nothing really new on the dating front. I have 4 people I'm texting with from eH...and 2 dates set up for this weekend. I think I'm going to cancel one of them because he's annoying.

[DancingFool]

Are you serious???.....wow....Mat is starting to sound unhinged too. Then again, I guess persistence has worked out in the past, no? I hope you don't end up going back to him this time around. He is such a waste of time.

 

I like your attitude about Mike. So true about he might not be right for you, but might know someone who is. You just never know sometimes. Goes back to the whole when and where you least expect it.

 

Anyway, hang in there, you'll meet someone. In the meantime you'll probably get too busy with the classes and the new business to care much.

[faraday]

Are you serious???.....wow....Mat is starting to sound unhinged too. Then again, I guess persistence has worked out in the past, no? I hope you don't end up going back to him this time around. He is such a waste of time.

 

I like your attitude about Mike. So true about he might not be right for you, but might know someone who is. You just never know sometimes. Goes back to the whole when and where you least expect it.

 

Anyway, hang in there, you'll meet someone. In the meantime you'll probably get too busy with the classes and the new business to care much.

 

I think if I hadn't dated Lee, I might be interested in responding to Mat...but...now that I've seen how good it CAN be (although short lol)...I don't want to be that unhappy again. I felt like I couldn't be me...I don't want that...ever. So...no worries on the Mat thing. That's dead. I'm not even considering responding.

 

Mike is a great guy. I don't think it's going to be hard to make the buddy switch.

 

I bought myself a king sized, high end mattress the other day....I've been working on a frame for it...I'm so excited to get it.

 

I'm excited today

[faraday]

Had two dates this weekend.

 

Dean is a 39 year old software developer. He talked a lot about his job and mentioned our age difference several times...I think he's insecure. He seems like a nice guy. I liked being around him...I'm not sure about attraction. He made me a flower out of lego which was cute.

 

Rob is a 40 year old sales guy. It was a really weird date. It started out awful (like...I almost left) and ended 5 hours later with a kiss (he's a sloppy kisser)....It was really confusing.

 

Both told me they are very attracted to me and want to see me again. I'm not sure about either of them yet lol

 

I cancelled two other dates because the guys were annoying.

 

Jay is a 32 year old Geophysicist...he actually seems the most promising...I like his look and the way he talks...but we'll see. We're just hitting open communication now.

[DancingFool]

Stay strong, keep away from Mat. You just need to hold out for a Lee without Lee's issues and it will happen. You will meet him. Just takes bloody minded perseverance.

 

LOL @ sloppy kisser. I gotta admit that's one thing I can't ever get past. What was so awful about the date that you almost left? Inquiring minds want to know. Dish dang it. You can't leave a cliff hanger like that and walk away.

[faraday]

Robb came straight from work to our date...and he had a stressful day...I think he didn't have time to get in a good head space before he showed up. That and I had come straight from school, so I was in...not date like clothing...I had on tights and a dress...and my big hipster glasses and I think I surprised him. So...we met, and he did like this big deep breath out when he saw me...which I took like...he was disappointed...so that didn't start things off great.

 

He is the male version of my personality. Meaning he's an a-hole...like me. Blunt. Says it like it is. And when I thought he wasn't interested, I became more stand offish...which he picked up on...and because he's direct like me, he says things like, "well, at least we'll have a pleasant evening even if we never see each other again." and things like that. The first hour was brutal. Then the comic came on...and we laughed at the same things...and when the first skit ended, we talked more...and acknowledged there and why it was happening. Then he said, "No, I wasn't disappointed when I saw you. I think you're gorgeous. When I walked in, I was disappointed that the comedy show is in such a dive." Things started to get better after that. It turned into a nice evening.

 

I'm still not sure about him. He's 40. Never been married or engaged...his longest relationship is a year and a half. He's pretty cute, and makes good money...I get a strong feeling that he's a total man (rhymes with bore) ....but I guess we'll see. I'm taking it slow with him....I'm still dating other people.

 

I have no idea what to do with Dean. He confessed that the paperwork for his divorce isn't final. He's been waiting for a year for the judge to sign it. He added me on fb, and he was talking about his wife from as early as September...and in march of last year it looks like they were still together. Her status is still saying she's married (they aren't linked)...He's too much of a nerd to have an affair...but this break up seems incredibly recent. I have no idea what to think about any of it.

 

eHarmony has been slow since after Valentines Day....like...no views, no people updating their profiles...maybe it's the time of year...or that it's been warmer here so people can finally go grocery shopping and meet at pubs and go hiking again...idk. Boring.

[faraday]

So at the end of the date with Robb when he kissed me goodnight and ate off half my face, I joked that he was liking off my foundation...and he was a bit more conservative in his face eating after. I have no idea how to train him to not be a face eater...and not use so much tongue in my mouth...I can see where that kind if tongue power would be great....but I feel like he's trying to push me away with his tongue.

 

 

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[DancingFool]

Oh man.....the joys of dating. I like your face eater term, mind if I borrow it sometime, aka claim it?

 

Dean sounds like trouble and a waste of time. I'd drop him. You don't need to be his rebound/crutch girl.

 

Robb....enh.....it's one of those where a date or two more is probably warranted, just to take a look again and see how it goes. You never know sometimes. My bf was kind of the dark horse/bottom of the totem pole candidate....or so I thought for awhile. So yeah, sometimes you just don't know.

[faraday]

I have no idea what is going on with Robb. We have a date scheduled on Sunday but I didn't hear from him yesterday...which is unusual. Maybe it's nothing or maybe he met someone else. Either way...*shrugs*

 

You're right about Dean...*sighs*...so things did end with his ex a year and a half ago...he's actually had a gf since the break up....so I don't think he's rebounding... But...he's so freaking enthusiastic that I'm overwhelmed. I was working on a paper last night and he called, and kept texting even though I told him I was busy....I think he's an interesting guy, and his enthusiasm is great...I just wish he would hold off until at least a second date...but really 4 or 5 dates would be better. We're going for dinner tomorrow night. He originally invited me to a gala to which I declined...too much for a second date. He has ADD and he's hyper focusing on me...and I'm not even sure if I like him. Ahhhh....

 

I have a brunch date with Jay tomorrow morning at one of my favourite breakfast places (and he picked it). He's the 31 year old geophysicist. We texted a bit last night and seem to click. He was easy to make conversation with...he works out of town a lot, which is probably good because with school and starting a business, being a single parent and offering respite...my plate is pretty full.

[faraday]

And yes, you can have the face eater term

[DancingFool]

I don't know. I think with people in Dean's situation that intensity is part of the rebound. You don't like it, but a lot of women fall hard for it - the hyper focus, the hot pursuit, the instant relationship. The problem is that they are just plugging the void their wife is leaving with you. Besides, whatever unfinished business between them, it's not like anyone will ever be truly honest with you about that part.

 

On the bright side, the geo guy sounds promising.

[faraday]

So I went out with Dean on Saturday....he's been smothering me all week. Texting all day, phone calls every night...he's very over-familiar with me. He tells me how much he likes me all the time...which...isn't actually ME because...there's no way you know someone after a date. So I told him that I just wasn't feeling it. He's fallen off the face of the earth.

 

Robb came over last night for wine...we talked sales and life philosophies. He's a cute guy. He's smart. I don't feel any kind of emotional connection to him. So I gave him the friend talk and he said he was feeling the same way. Ha.

 

Geo guy (aka Jay) and I had a great breakfast date on Saturday morning. I really like his smile...and he gives real hugs. You know how most people do the one arm hug? Or like...a pat on the back kind of hug? Not Jay. He pulls you in with both arms and seriously, probably the best hug I've ever had. Yeah...I'm a weirdo. But it was really nice. Because of his work schedule and my kid schedule, he's coming here for wine tonight. Not an ideal second date...but...it's how it is. He works out of town a lot.

 

Fraser is 28 and a manager at a security firm. He's been in Korea visiting his brother for the last 3 weeks (his twin moved there 2 years ago)...he seems nice..he hasn't planned a date yet...we've been texting for a few weeks...he just got back on Friday...so we'll see what happens.

 

Got in a big fight with my parents last week. I'm feeling down about it. Apparently they think the timing of me going back to school is off...wish they had told me before I enrolled. It was this big thing of my mom ranting at me...I tried to talk to her again, but then she started going on and on about how she would do it differently...because she has so much freaking experience with being a single parent *rolls eyes*...

 

Normally, I value my parents advice above everything. I always take what they say to heart and put a lot of consideration into what they say...but the last month, it's been like...I can't do anything right in their eyes right now...so I'm avoiding them now. It sucks. I miss them.

[DancingFool]

Big hug about your parents. There are times when they wish the best for us but how they go about it or what they advise is far from the best. As you succeed, they'll realize it themselves. There is never the right time, there is the just do it time. If you spend your life waiting for the right time, you are more likely to end up in the grave before the right time comes.

 

Interesting developments with the boys. Funny how Dean went from 200 mph to 0.

[faraday]

I believe that too. It's part of my whole, you create your own destiny mantra.

 

I know my parents have my best interests at heart. I know they love me, and they love Tine and they want us to do well and be happy. I know they aren't intentionally trying to hurt me. I think that's why it's harder when they don't back me on things. When I started my dayhome, they outright told me I was making a mistake and that I would regret it. 5 years of making really good money later, they told me I would regret it if I closed.

 

I don't. I feel like...everything is lining up perfectly for this opportunity. And that's what it is. A huge opportunity. That's going to change Clementine and my life for the better. I just really wish that they would trust me....because when I want something I make it happen. Always. They should know that about me...everyone else does.

 

/end rant. I'm really sad. I know it will pass...I know we'll be okay again...but I miss talking to them. I miss family dinners...but we fight right now whenever we see each other...so...I have to stay away. It sucks.

 

 

On a different note...Last night the date with Jay was nice. He's a great kisser too Just kissed twice at the end of the night as he was leaving...it was nice. We spent 4 hours talking non-stop on my couch...he's easy to talk to. He left this morning for 2 weeks...he's out of town for work....and not much of a texter...so hopefully we can keep the momentum going.

[DancingFool]

It sounds like your parents are scardy cats by nature. Different scares them, change scares them, taking chances or risks scares them. Unfortunately, their reaction is lashing out and anger. It's not that they don't believe in you, it's more about them and who they are, their fears and how they handle, or rather not handle that. It's difficult to deal with, but forgivable. I can guarantee you that they are deeply proud of you and everything you are doing. They know you'll succeed, but still it scares them and they are reacting to themselves not you. Fear is not rational.

 

Anyhooo.....so you mean Jay didn't eat your face or leave you floating in saliva....I just grossed myself out....but refuse to delete that. Call me lazy. Sounds like Jay is kind of right for you in that you are both busy, so the absences are convenient rather than detrimental.

[faraday]

Ugh, Dean just texted me...he's had the stomach flu since Saturday night...which is why he hasn't contacted me.

 

I told him I didn't feel any chemistry with him when we were out on Saturday....why don't people hear things like that? It's like...they don't want to hear it...so they glaze over it...and now I have to say it again and it was already awkward saying it the first time. At least this time I can do it over text. Ugh

[DancingFool]

Ugh, Dean just texted me...he's had the stomach flu since Saturday night...which is why he hasn't contacted me.

 

I told him I didn't feel any chemistry with him when we were out on Saturday....why don't people hear things like that? It's like...they don't want to hear it...so they glaze over it...and now I have to say it again and it was already awkward saying it the first time. At least this time I can do it over text. Ugh

 

lol.....I was kind of surprised by how quickly he vanished for a clinger. Turns out he didn't really. Hope he gets the message this time.

[faraday]

I was surprised too...but impressed that he got the hint so quickly. Guess not

 

And yes, I think jay traveling will be a good thing. It will help pace things slower, and he won't take up huge amounts of my time.

 

As for my parents...I think you're right. It is about them, not me. I just need to keep on this path and hope they come around when they see this is plausible.

 

I actually invited my dad to an event my instructors are holding on Thursday for the 14 of us in the class- it's about what to expect, what kind of support we'll need...things like that. They'll talk about how the success rate for graduates is 84%...hopefully that will help. I miss my dad.

 

 

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[DancingFool]

That's a really good idea. I just hope he doesn't latch on to the 16% that don't succeed....lol.... I know it's not really funny, I'm just pondering human nature and how we are all a bit susceptible to focus on the negative. Regardless, once they get over themselves, they will calm down and come around and give you the support you need. No worries there. I think sometimes part of the problem too is that in our parents' eyes we never stop being children no matter how old or accomplished we may be. They still have that I know better than you and want to protect you from yourself thing going on even when they are totally wrong. It shall pass.