Hi, I am new here and slowly recovering...

[GreatGuy]

Impressive Mentor...using Ticklebugs quote very very well!! Done!

 

I am sort protecting myself and making sure that she is not just going through another episode of "back &forth" . She called the morning to make plans for tonight. I was very hesitant about it all...I don't want to stop working on some of the things that need to be fixed in me (yes there are things still...) , and make sure that I love myself very much and also let her know that my life has not been totally on hold while she gets her head together. She is coming over aroung 5pm and wants to drive together..which i really didn't want to do, but she said it'll be ok. She was so excited to go out and see Cassandra Wilson... , and I think seing me too!! I just don't understand where all of this is coming from. I am not sure that she's all great again...it hasn't been too long. She's like all Playfull and nice over the phone and wants to know what I am up to. She is also supposed to sing on this song that I produced next month, and wanted to talk about that.

Lets' just say that I have no desire to "get back at" her...but I want to be the "Man" from now on. She knows very well where I stood about her...how much I was planing and looking forward to spending my life with her...so that is clear. But she needs to see that she will have to work and do her part to really show me how sincere she is from now on. We're not talking about getting back together at all!!

All this is is first encounter (i have to make sure I don't look too desirable ), dinner and concert at a prestigious place. It looks kinda promising if I play my part well. I will not let you all down, and will give you updates tonight.

 

Hey I think she will not be attending class afterall... \ Close call!!

[HajiMaji]

Yo, good luck man. Honestly im not trying to be jealous of the fact your ex wants to talk to you now and mine doesnt, but theres a little jealousy comin through. Sure its based off my deep attachement to this girl still, but its all good.

 

Im stoked that you have this stuff going on and you seem to be using your mind very well. Its awesome to see that steadiness and chillness in you. Good luck, man!!

[Mentor]

It sounds like you have everything under control. 8)

 

Good luck!

[GreatGuy]

Guys....Thank you so much!! She should be here in a few minutes...and I am feeling good, I am thinking about all the times i posted here down, and I will use that very well knowing that the real people who stood by my sides are here.

 

What a priviledge to have you in my life. Thankx, and holding steady!

[GreatGuy]

It was the best night in a very very very long time...even better than when we were planning the wedding thing!! I know Ticklebug felt that I should not have gone, and that i may be sending her mixed messages( and I understand what she is trying to say) but this was very important to me and ...me Alone. I had to be a bit selfish and find out how and why she was on my mind so much, why my same mind had created this omnipotent image of her, and whether of not she was human and also missed me as much. But first I want you all to know that I am not Extremely High...or Low from this sortie, I am in fact very well grounded this morning, I am in fact not gonna call her for another week and stick to this rule.

Well Everything went So Amazingly well, the dinner was very laid back and cool, then we walked and talked. She was a bit late...but said that it was because she really wanted to look good for me(i was like sure...ehehehe), and she did look very good I gotta say. Not to worry I was on top of my game as well, and she could not stop looking at me...trying to touch me, and of course I pulled away very gently or laught it up. Then coffee, small talks, laught alot about this and that. I told her that I felt she was alot positive tonight! and she said well she knows that she wasn't too much fun prior to her ending our relationship..(with a sorry look). But then we went to the show and while we where in line, she just wouldn't stop telling me how different I looked and how diff. and exciting she felt...and asked me if she could kiss me. I politely said no....its too soon to do this. And she gave me that sad look, but then smiled and said wow! That is diff.

Now the show was the most amazing performance i had seen in years!!! Cassandra Wilson was flat out out of this world, and she is so good at what she does, she is now my favorite female jazz singer. Ti was beside herself because out table was the closet to Cassandra(her favorite singer) and we could touch her if we reached out. And during the show she looked at Ti and smiled(man She was soo happy about that!!).

Anyway at the end of the show Cassandra asked for request and Ti yelled her favorite song "vodoo" on the album Travelling Miles High. Cassandra did one song..and then here is the Weird thing: What are the chances that the last song, on the last set, of the last show (until a while) for Cassandra would be Ti's request??? 1 in a million. But that is what happened, and she was beside herself. I am very proud of this night...I think that some(ticklebug) will see this as a mixed message from me (making ti feel like she / and I are ready to start again), but for me the experience alone of the night was a MaJor Reward to myself for taking care of me during these 2.5 months. I Fell free in my heart knowing that I am a greatguy who treats others the way they want to be treated, and that honestly now I know that our seperation was not because of me, rather something she felt She had to do for herself! I see that now, and it is relaxing.

So with this high we both left and she was beside herself, kept saying this was the best night in a long time and thanked me for sending her that link about this performacne, how much she's missed me. On the way we talked about some business things that we had to take care of, then she told me about all the friends she has now....I have now.....but mainly she could not beileive that I rejected her . I tried to play it down with things like yeah.."but you said it to me before that anything is possible in the future...". So she dropped me off and gave me some things that were left at her place, and I gave her some things...she said give me a good hug, but while i was about to give her a holywood kiss (you know the fake kind on chicks) SHE Grabbed my head and started kissing me pationately...i pulled back a bit but Darned I could not and went for it!!! (Sorry guys..I really tried )! THen I said get out of here and ran upstairs before she could drive away.

 

That was it! I am not saying that she is better and had a life turning event...she is still in therapy and working things out, and I am not saying that things are back to normal...because she knows that this was hard for me, and as I told you I am not dating for another two month!! Plain simple. I am not calling her again, I really not worried about whom ever out there she (might or might not) be seing, I think i feel like this is gonna allow me to really continue hard to work on me. The thing is that even though we know how we both feel, we're also a bit diff., I kept telling her that I was creating this boundary for myself and really living under diff. set of rules now..that she brought me awarness(she responded saying I brought her a pain in the neck ahahah!).

 

PS: I have more work to do on me, still

[HajiMaji]

Dude, thats very exciting! Im living vicariously(sp?) through you man! Im kidding but im so happy things went like that. I wonder if she will have patience for your..how do you say.. stand offishness.

 

I dont say that in a bad way at all. You handled yourself awesomely!! She just wanted your affection and didnt give it fully ya know, which is good. You were in control. Awesome, dude, awesome

 

If she gets mad at you not "taking her back" so quickly then i guess thats a sign..

 

Keep on keepin on!

[GreatGuy]

She is leaving this morning for a week in ND (visiting brother &family). Last summer we went there together and it was fun. She should stop by in 10 min....to drop off something for me, and I guess I don't know what will happen again. I am being prudent but I hear what you're all saying..that if i do like her still then there is a fine line I should not cross. I don't want her to think that I don't want her!!! But just so she knows that I have pride for me, and really I am not hanging by her begging calls to just please her whenever she wants to. I think her being in ND for a week will do a lot a good for us. I guess it will define where her head is, and where mine is in the end. I want you to know that I am not gonna play any games...I am a bit shy about this, but I really have a warm place for her in my heart!! You all know that.

 

Gotta go down. Later and thanks

[HajiMaji]

Awesome dude, i really admire how your handling this! Good luck and lets hope her trip will make it all good.

[GreatGuy]

Awesome dude, i really admire how your handling this! Good luck and lets hope her trip will make it all good.

 

Thanks Dude!!! I hope so too!

[GreatGuy]

Hi everyone(especially those who have been following my trek), I just wanted you to say that good things come to those who are steady and patient. Do keep your head up and stay on course as always. Can't say it enough....stay on your Path.

 

Yesterday with my therapist we had a major breakthru. I guess then many things started to be explained in the choices I have made so far. All of a sudden, everything has become small, insignificant and pretty petty. I see that this is gonna take approximately two more months before I can wholly be in Hard Core relationship. Don't get me wrong I am looking forward to cutivating my relationship with Ti(it's obvious there are some deep connections between us), and going wherever that lead us...but this is Me time.

 

I hope again you all stay positive and remember that no matter what you;re not meant to live your life the way you feel right now. Things change and get better . So stay on course!!