missmarple Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 Sooooooooooooo, this is what happened with Pedro: He called me just as I walked in. 5 minutes earlier, I would have been in the car next to Mike..lol. He told me he left yesterday in the afternoon, he asked about my trip and we just chatted about irrelevant things for 10 mins or so (I was boiling inside, of course). Then, he goes 'I had a lovely time on Friday' and then, well, I let him have it..lol I told him that I didn't think he'd call again and he said 'it would be impossible not to call you, what are you talking about?'...sounding extremely surprised. So, I had to spell it out for him. He said that he hadn't even thought about asking to see me again on Saturday even though he'd have loved to because he thought he had said and done a lot on Friday and didn't want me to think that he's 'desperate' and he already felt he had put pressure on me as things were and b/ I had said I'm sceptical about the distance and he wanted to give me some time to 'process' things and decide if I want to continue. Then I asked him about that constant 'I don't know' thing. He said the problem is that the house he stays at when he's here is his sister's and they don't get along..that many times he's come to visit and had to leave suddenly because they had a fight and she had basically told him 'get out' and that he would have explained if I had asked. He said that he was shocked I had interpeted things the way I did (I didn't mention that I thought he was after sex or anything like that, I just said I thought he wasn't interested enough) and that he definitely wants to continue talking and see me again, get to know me and all that. I was extremely confused. So, I said that I can't say I believe him and I can't say I don't believe him because I don't know him at all...and that time will tell. What he said made sense, I guess...but unless I see him again and we talk more in person, it could all be just b/s. What do you guys think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 Oh, I forgot. While we were talking about my trip, he said he loves that town, too, and 'maybe we could take a trip together, too'. I just laughed, of course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Well...things can definitely be confusing in the beginning, and it sucks when we lead with our fears (I'm talking about him and not wanting to appear desperate). I mean, the not wanting to appear desperate/pushy thing fits in well with the no sex for 3 years thing. I think you have to give it time and see how it plays out. Honestly, when you guys were talking about just after sex, that wasn't my impression...and I think an experienced dater like you probably has a pretty strong bullsh&& detector...so go with it. See what he does. Follow your gut in this dating process, don't sleep with him until you're comfortable...and get to know the guy. See if he's trustworthy. See if he makes you happy. Because...you might meet him again and realize he's a tool. Or that he's awesome. Time. Keep your eyes open...but go into reserving judgement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 Well, one thing is for sure...I won't sleep with him unless I'm 100% comfortable..I never have. Even more so with this guy who lives 2 hours away and after what happened. I had never thought he was just after sex before or during the date but I didn't know how else to explain his behaviour after the date. Now, he gave me something to think about. I believe that if we meet once more, I'll know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I think his explanation makes sense. Typically you wouldn't ask someone to go for a second date the day after the first date and in normal circumstances (short distance), you would not have thought that means he lacked interest. So while this is longer distance, he may have been mindful about the usual "dating rules". You're right, time will tell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I agree with everyone that time will tell. His explanation does makes sense given the circumstances, and it's kind of a lot to have to explain to someone up front (especially about the sister thing). I can imagine that he wouldn't want to explain that in case, for whatever reason, you'd think that since she made him leave, he'd have to come see you then because he had nowhere else to go. So I think you're right when you say you want to see him once more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 It sounds like a miscommunication. The problem with dating "rules" is that not everyone follows them and even when they do, everyone seems to have their own set of "rules" that they like to follow. And that's okay but if no one is upfront about their intentions/what is going on, then people start to wonder and make assumptions based on whether or not someone follows the "rules" or why something didn't play out to their expectations. And sometimes, things don't play out according to expectations and sometimes that's because the guy is a sleeze or a flake, and other times, it's because of other benign reasons. I feel like this could have been avoided if you two had talked about this more and had more dialogue about what you were planning or what was going on in your headspace. Sounds like you were expecting to hear from him on Saturday provided that your date went well, perhaps seeing him again on that day. He kept his cool and didn't contact on Saturday because he didn't want to appear "desperate". You were about to write him off and assumed that he just wanted sex and you "let him have it" when he called you next. I think it was very nice of him to explain the miscommunication and to set things straight and I'm glad that you're going to see him again. However, I think there are several men out there who would have been really put off by being called out when they hadn't actually done anything wrong, and they may have written you off. I don't mean any offence by this, I really don't. I think that you've come accross a heckuva lot of duds on the dating site however, I think that sometimes, perhaps because you've been doing this for so long, you're putting up arbitrary expectations or rules of how this men should act and I wonder if, as a result, some men that may be worth your time are being cut off by you because they didn't do exactly the right things at the right times and thus, assumptions are made and they are dropped. Yes, I think if they agree to call you at a certain time, they should. However, if they are a little late, then that's something else. Things happen, work gets busy, etc. Or if they say that they want to see you again, but you don't say that you do or feel the same, and then they aren't super eager to contact you afterward and set up another date. Perhaps you are coming accross as lukewarm to them and they don't think you are that interested, while you assume that they aren't that interested in you. Just thoughts. I could be totally off base here and if I am, I apologize. Carry on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthDallas40 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Yeah I say give PEDRO a chance, too. Rereading your thoughts, it seems like you got your hopes up a little high, and got disappointed when he didn't call back immediately. Though his behavior sounds pretty normal. The only thing red flag you mentioned that I would take seriously is his stinginess; no way would I have let you pay for that first meetup. He may not be selfish, but if he's broke, that's no better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I vote for giving him another chance but somewhat guarded if that makes sense. I am happy for you that he called. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Yeah I say give PEDRO a chance, too. Rereading your thoughts, it seems like you got your hopes up a little high, and got disappointed when he didn't call back immediately. Though his behavior sounds pretty normal. The only thing red flag you mentioned that I would take seriously is his stinginess; no way would I have let you pay for that first meetup. He may not be selfish, but if he's broke, that's no better! I agree that the stinginess is something to be observed further in future dates, and also why he doesn't seem to have any savings. I think it's not terrible that he had let her pay since he drove all the way there to see her and he only had a coffee and she had coffee and wine, but a thank you would have been nice (I think he didn't say thank you??) anyway! All to be seen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happpybear Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I'm glad that he called you and you guys got to talk about it and clear the air. I'm also glad that he isn't just out to get laid...sounds like he is really into you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I think he deserves another chance. I didn't feel like he was just after sex when you explained the date either. If seems like a mutual attraction, which is good. I also feel that second dates are not always the next day, although he does live 2 hours away. I would of guessed if he was interested in you he would of called you for another date in a few days. We sure can put a lot of unnecessary thoughts in our heads around dating, I do it too. I look forward to hearing more soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larkin Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I look forward to hearing more soon! Yeah, this is getting good. Who wants popcorn? lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 Sounds like you were expecting to hear from him on Saturday provided that your date went well, perhaps seeing him again on that day. He kept his cool and didn't contact on Saturday because he didn't want to appear "desperate". You were about to write him off and assumed that he just wanted sex and you "let him have it" when he called you next. I think it was very nice of him to explain the miscommunication and to set things straight and I'm glad that you're going to see him again. However, I think there are several men out there who would have been really put off by being called out when they hadn't actually done anything wrong, and they may have written you off. He had called me on Saturday....but a/he hadn't mentioned anything about the night before (I had a great time, etc), b/he hadn't asked to see me again and c/he kept up the 'I don't know' thing when I asked him about his schedule, when is he leaving, etc...plus he didn't contact me at all on Sunday..so, I combined them all in my mind and decided he wasn't that interested and that he had only come to our date with the purpose to get laid. It does look like a miscommunication but it could also be that he's too clever and has an excuse for everything. He may be thinking that if we keep talking while he's away, the next time he visits, we'll go straight to bed, who knows? If he was indeed honest and was put off by what I told him (he didn't seem to be but, again, who knows?) it means we're not compatible, anyway...because there's no way I won't tell someone I'm upset about something...and it's not like I was mean to him, I just said that from his actions I thought this and that and he had the option to either explain and we could continue talking or give up on me. I think that a guy who's worthy of my time would explain what happened just like he did. I would have done the same if someone I was interested in, seemed annoyed by something I had done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 The only thing red flag you mentioned that I would take seriously is his stinginess; no way would I have let you pay for that first meetup. He may not be selfish, but if he's broke, that's no better! This is what one of my friend tells me, too...she says that stingy people are stingy in feelings, too. I'll see what he does if we meet again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I can't stand stingy people. It's actually a deal breaker for me. However, this guy travelled to see you...so I think give him the benefit of the doubt here and see how things progress. At least, that's what I would do. It will be interesting to see how things go with this guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 I talked about Pedro with 3 of my friends who know the story from the beginning...I got 3 different opinions..lol Friend no1 (54, divorced, no kids) thinks he has issues and that I should stop talking to him. Friend no2 (47, divorced, no kids) thinks that he may be honest but that he's not as much into me as I am into him because, if he was, he would have asked me to meet again the next day even if he had reservations...but I should give him one more chance. Friend no3 (55, married, 2 kids) thinks what he said makes sense but that maybe because he's lonely in the new town, he will try to have a relationship with me not because he's interested in me but just to have someone in his life. Needless to say my head is spinning Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Give him one more chance if you are willing to keep your expectations as close to zero as possible - you will meet with him again and perhaps expect to have a pleasant time, at most. I don't think his story/explanation adds up but not to the extent of being a dealbreaker yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Please give him another chance or two...I think you need to relax, stop obsessing over what he is or is not. You don't even know him yet and all of this is speculation. I find asking too many people about things does get my head spinning. Listen to your own intuition and gut and keep your eyes and ears open. It will tell you what you need to know. I think this could be good if you allow it to happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 I emailed him a joke today...something we've both done often. No reply. No phonecall today either....however, I try not to jump into conclusions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 We shall see! Just on getting outside opinions (from friends and on ENA), while its always good to have a sounding board, sometimes it can get too confusing with different people offering different opinions like with your friends in this case. Perhaps better to just go with your gut feel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 I don't have a gut feel in this case...I usually do but not this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 When in doubt, just wait and see haha.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 *pulls up a chair. Opens a bottle of wine...and grabs a spoon and a jar of nutella" Okay, I'm ready to see how this turns out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Do you have a first official date planned? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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