Batya33 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Never said to be emotionless. I don't consider first meets a date or interacting with someone on line before meeting "dating" . I think it's great to be excited and to feel like there might be a connection based on typing and talking. I also think for the long run the thicker the skin about first meets especially the better. No need to be emotionless. The OP is very familiar with meeting men through dating sites ,as was I. I do think getting excited about someone after you've gone out several times and it's becoming a regular thing is completely understandable -I still believe in head in the clouds but feet on the ground at those times if the goal is a long term relationship or marriage. If the goal is casual dating/flings then no need to balance head and heart- just go for it because if it doesn't work out you just move on to the next fun fling -little of an investment. If the goal is marriage or long term then it's too easy to get bitter and jaded from building up hopes before you even meet or based on a first meet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 My take on this, after reading the original post about this particular date, is that this guy was a bit over the top with the touching, multiple attempts to kiss, talking about physical stuff, etc. for one of two reasons (or possibly three): 1) He was trying to get sex on the first date -- or ASAP -- and was testing MM's boundaries with regard to that, to see how receptive she'd be; 2) He's one of those guys (and there are women who do this too, so this isn't a gender-specific generalization) who are SO into the IDEA of being coupled up/being in a relationship that, when he meets someone he's attracted to, even if he barely knows her, convinces himself there's all this intimacy right away when, in reality, he doesn't know her at ALL -- basically, he creates a false sense of intimacy with a complete stranger; 3) Some combination of the previous two. My ex was the same way on our first date -- very touchy, very over-the-top, and it also sent off red flags (which I ignored because I was in a bad place in my life and my judgement wasn't the best). I also knew him for a couple years before we actually dated (we're colleagues), so I think that contributed to me ignoring the red flags. Things died a horrible, painful death, leaving me devastated (even more so after he came back around a few more times and dumped me a few more times -- ugh). In hindsight, it was clear to me that he was in a place, having just been dumped a few months prior, where he just wanted a relationship to ease the pain and loneliness, and I just happened to be there. *sigh* I think that ANY time someone is TOO touchy/romantically aggressive/talking very suggestively/talking a lot about how much he/she likes you when you've just met/talking a lot about the future, etc. when you've just met -- it's a red flag. Either they're just looking for an immediate roll in the hay OR they are in love with the idea of love and become attached very quickly. Usually, in both cases, things end rather quickly, and the end is a rather spectacular (not in a good way) flame-out in which someone gets very hurt and/or feels very used. MM, I think you need to just put this guy on the backburner; if he contacts again and doesn't make a firm plan to meet up, I'd say "NEXT!" If he does make a plan to meet up, you can see how you feel after the second date, but honestly, his behavior on the date set off alarm bells for me. The only way to know for sure is to give it one more date, but...tread carefully if you do. And, if you don't hear from him in a few days, just keep moving forward, on to the next one. I admire your ability to keep going with this. I can't even make myself sign up for a dating site! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Great points Browneyedgirl! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 Thank you all for the support..I really appreciate it because, to be honest, this whole situation shook me up. Most of you have read this journal from the beginning and you know how rare it is for me to feel a connection. This was the first time ever I kissed someone I met online during a first date...to me, even a simple kiss (I mean tongueless..if that's a word..lol) is a big deal. So, yeah, today (that he didn't contact me at all) I felt like an idiot...most of all because I spent 11 days talking to this guy and he really REALLY sounded genuine, nice and open..there was no indication at all during all our conversations that he was interested in sex. None. Nothing. Things like that make you doubt yourself...and I don't like this feeling at all. Anyway...I did go on my day trip and...you know, sometimes coincidences are out of this world. Some guy came and sat next to me on the bus...I had seen him a couple of times in previous events but we had never talked much. He's shorter than me, nice looking and acts like a gentleman..that's all I knew about him. So, today, we talked more and we were together the whole day (with other people, too, of course). The coincidences now....I ask his star sign...he says Pisces (like Pedro)..Oh, I say, ok...what date? And he goes..........February 29 1968...a month younger than me and same date as Pedro! I was like this isn't happening..what are the odds?! The guy (let's call him Mike - I'm sick of Spanish names) must have thought I was crazy the way I looked at him..lol. Anyway, we continue talking, he tells me he got divorced last year, I ask his wife's star sign, he says Aquarius (my sign and Pedro's ex gf's sign, too). By that point I was sure someone was playing a joke on me..lol When I calmed myself down and we talked some more, I found out he has 4 kids (8,15,16,18 ) and he still lives in the same house as his ex wife and the kids but on the first floor alone...the rest are on the second floor. He had worked at a bank for many years and last year he bought a restaurant (about an hour away from my house). Nice guy, the quiet type, good sense of humour and by the end of the day we exchanged phone numbers and agreed to meet...not the 2 of us...2 other women from the trip, too...we all hit it off and had some nice convos during the trip. I had my moments when I felt down but Mike (without knowing what the problem was) helped..he told me some good jokes...lol The site is going to organise one more trip some time in February but that time it will be 2 days..I already signed up for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Sounds like you had a good trip MM! Is Mike moving out soon? They haven't been divorced long? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 Sounds like you had a good trip MM! Is Mike moving out soon? They haven't been divorced long? He told me the reason he stays there is because the youngest kid, a girl, reacted badly to the divorce and he plans to stay for another 6 months from what he said. They got divorced (officially that is) 1.5 year ago. But I don't really think about it because I wasn't attracted to him in that way...then again in my state of mind, I wouldn't have been attracted to anyone today! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Ah I see. Don't feel too bad about Pedro. I think we all get our hopes up sometimes, it's perfectly normal! Don't doubt yourself either, even the most experienced can't avoid this type of situation happening, but the difference being you paid attention, analysed and picked up on red flags quickly after the first meet and aren't keep deluding yourself into pursuing him because of the chemistry as many others would have. All those experiences aren't for nothing, MM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 He told me the reason he stays there is because the youngest kid, a girl, reacted badly to the divorce and he plans to stay for another 6 months from what he said. They got divorced (officially that is) 1.5 year ago. But I don't really think about it because I wasn't attracted to him in that way...then again in my state of mind, I wouldn't have been attracted to anyone today! I've heard of in-house separations but I've never heard of in-house divorces. Sorry, that sounds fishy to me. Many children do not react well to a divorce but it seems that family therapy and counselling the child would be a better bet than staying together and pretending. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthDallas40 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 He had worked at a bank for many years and last year he bought a restaurant I picture Gordon Ramsay dropping in telling him what a crap job he's doing running the place, and how he needs to simplify his menu to sandwiches/burgers made with locally-sourced ingredients. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 it seems that family therapy and counselling the child would be a better bet than staying together and pretending. From what he said, they're not pretending. The kid knows they're divorced. She just couldn't cope with her dad living somewhere else and he couldn't find a house close enough.. combined with his new job (restaurant owner and the restaurant being almost an hour away from the house) which meant he had to be outside the house for a big part of the day, he decided to at least stay there so they could see each other more often. Again, that's what he said but even if things aren't like that, I don't really care...I don't plan on anything other than friendship with him...and he didn't flirt with me either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 I didn't go to work today and I won't go tomorrow, either...it's my sinusitis and it usually lasts a couple of days, at least. I woke up feeling lousy..headache, nose running, red eyes and my sinuses killing me. I don't know if it has to do with the wind during the trip yesterday or if my psychological state affected me..probably a combination of both. For now, all I want is to have some hot tea (cold day, too) and not date ever again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 Mike texted me good morning, have a good week etc and asked if I want to meet for coffee or lunch. I called him, explained the situation (sinuses, etc) and said I'll call him later if I feel better for a quick cup of coffee. I just hope he sees this as I do...strictly friendly..I think he does but you never know. If we do meet later (he keeps good company and I want to see him again), I wonder if I should say something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I think you should say something. I mean realistically, it's rare that a guy asks a woman who is not already a friend to go out (for whatever activity) unless he's interested in more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 Yeah, I was also thinking I should say something but I'm not sure what? I wouldn't want to say this is not a date, for example, if the guy is only thinking of having a cup of coffee with a nice person. The reason I'm not sure it's a date is because, as I said, yesterday it wasn't just he and I who exchanged numbers..he also gave his number (I gave mine, too) to 2 other women in our group and we took theirs, too..so, it looked more like a friendly thing..and he'd also told me that after his divorce he found himself with many married friends who always want to go out with families etc, so, maybe, he's just trying to get to know new people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I think just go to coffee and get a feel for things. If he seems to show no more than platonic interest, and doesn't keep asking you out after this, then that's fine. I had a guy who I knew from a friend and we caught up a few times as friends, but then he started asking me out a lot, esp on the weekend, which I didn't agree to, thats when I got the impression that he probably wants more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 How about if I invite a friend along? I actually talked to her yesterday during the trip (she called me) and he asked me how come she hadn't come to the trip. I don't think anything shows 'friends' more clearly than inviting another woman along. What do you think?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Are you 100% sure things couldn't spark with Mike? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 Are you 100% sure things couldn't spark with Mike? I'm not 100% sure about anything at this point...all I know is that a/I wasn't attracted to him (he's not ugly or anything, I just didn't feel any spark even though we were together from 8am to 8pm yesterday) and b/I'm so disappointed after what happened with Pedro that I definitely don't want to pursue anything romantic with anyone. I don't know how long this feeling will last but, knowing myself, it's friends I need now, not lovers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I'm not 100% sure about anything at this point...all I know is that a/I wasn't attracted to him (he's not ugly or anything, I just didn't feel any spark even though we were together from 8am to 8pm yesterday) and b/I'm so disappointed after what happened with Pedro that I definitely don't want to pursue anything romantic with anyone. I don't know how long this feeling will last but, knowing myself, it's friends I need now, not lovers. Then don't make him a lover for the next months or longer - there's a great area in between friends and lovers - but don't close doors just because some guy you met once ended up behaving like a total jerk. How would you feel knowing you gave up an opportunity to date someone just because of this near stranger/jerk? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 I think closing doors would be to avoid going out with him at all. I'm just trying to be fair to the guy and I don't know how else to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I think closing doors would be to avoid going out with him at all. I'm just trying to be fair to the guy and I don't know how else to do it. I would be fair by being completely open minded as if you never typed to Pedro or met him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 I would be fair by being completely open minded as if you never typed to Pedro or met him. Batya, that's easier said than done. Unfortunately, this case was different because we had spent so much time talking before we met (a mistake I won't make again) and I usually trust my instinct and my instinct never told me he's a jerk...I can't trust myself to get to know someone else just yet...not romantically...and, after all, it's not like I like Mike and I'm holding back. I just think he seems (I stress the word 'seems') like a nice guy that I can talk to about different things, that's all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Batya, that's easier said than done. Unfortunately, this case was different because we had spent so much time talking before we met (a mistake I won't make again) and I usually trust my instinct and my instinct never told me he's a jerk...I can't trust myself to get to know someone else just yet...not romantically...and, after all, it's not like I like Mike and I'm holding back. I just think he seems (I stress the word 'seems') like a nice guy that I can talk to about different things, that's all. But there's no such thing as instinct about what someone will be like in person before you've ever met -at least ,I think that's what you need to tell yourself. Talking to someone you've never met has little relevance to real life - he couldn't do all that inappropriate touching through typing, or act in a cheap way, right? Your instincts are superb - you trusted that he'd be safe to meet in person and that you'd have a good conversation -and you were right. There's no reason to try to have instincts about what a stranger will be like in person especially in a dating context. IMO. Of course it's not easy -never said it was. I don't think the typing and talking has anything to do with it -it's how you chose to spin it and now you know for next time either to meet in person right away so you don't get expectations through typing and talking (expectations about clicking) or if you choose to type and talk at length that you tell yourself that your "instincts" have no context as far as chemistry/romantic potential. You didn't get to know him romantically before you met so it has nothing to do with getting to know Mike in person as a potential romantic date -you already know him in person unlike Pedro who you met for a few hours in person. And I'll add perhaps Pedro changed his mind when he met you and decided he was in the mood just for a sexual hookup -not because of anything you did or didn't do -just because that's what he was in the mood for. Could be anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthDallas40 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 If you're 100% sure you don't want something romantic with Mike, simply tell him several dating stories and why you're kinda "over" the whole looking-for-a-boyfriend thing at the moment. Whenever I hear that kind of talk from a female, it's a pretty good sign that I'm in the friendzone, so I act accordingly and hopefully he would too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 UPDATE (s) Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, where to start? I met Mike on my own, after all. We were together for 2 hours. Had a great time. Very easy to talk to, open, polite, a gentleman. I couldn't detect any flirting except maybe at one moment when I was complaining that it's always young ones who like me (some guy in his '20s wouldn't take his eyes off me!) and he said 'but I'm not a young one'...but then he said something funny and the moment passed. Anyway, then we talked about getting together Friday (we had said we would since last night, together with one other girl from the group) and I called the girl and we both talked to her. He suggested going to a Mexican restaurant all 3 of us. Then I started telling him about a friend of mine that I want to introduce to him..I believe that was a pretty clear indication I don't see him as a date. He didn't react negatively..or positively, he said oh, ok or something like that. And then he asked about my last date and, well, I told him everything about Pedro (truth be told, yesterday I had called him Pedro at least 10 times)..both because he was easy to talk to but also because I thought it would help him understand that I'm not in a 'dating mood'. He was a great listener and he even gave me his opinion. He disagreed with me (and my friends). He said he didn't think Pedro was just after sex and that something else must be going on..but he agreed that if he indeed disappears, I was probably right that he's a jerk. Overall, a very nice evening...and I hope a new friend. Next post will be about Pedro....who, as luck has it, called me just as I walked in after my meeting with Mike. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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