missmarple Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 I just checked the first page of the thread and saw you started this in mid November last year. So in 2 weeks it'll be 1 year from your online dating adventures, I am curious..how would you reflect on the experience? You seem very resilient and able to brush things off which I think is a great trait. Well, there's not much to reflect on, actually. I've tried literally everything...meeting men very soon, waiting for a while, talking on the phone, not talking on the phone, giving chances, not giving chances, different sites, you name it, I've done it and nothing has worked. So, I'm either very unlucky or I'm doing something wrong that I've no idea what it is. Guys I like never ask me out on a second date...guys I don't like very often do. Who knows, maybe my ex husband has cursed me..lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Sometimes it's just luck - you just haven't met a mutual match. One of my friends has been online dating for a while. She's great and I think a wonderful catch. IMHO, her problem is that she stays emotionally attached too long to men who tell her they don't want a relationship with her. Time to run, I think. But thankfully, she's still online looking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 Just talked to a new guy on the site. Andres is 47 And...I just deleted this guy as his age magically became 55. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 it's disheartening. You just want one normal guy. sigh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 And...I just deleted this guy as his age magically became 55. never understood people that lie about their age. Better you found out now than later, like I did on date 5 with one particular guy I dated (albeit it was only 1 and half years, which made it even more strange). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I would say the lying would be for 2 reasons - they want to meet younger women and they don't want to be passed over for their age. I'm in early 50s though look okay when I'm scrubbed up. I've met men my own age, nice but at our age are talking about retirement, and pump not sure I could deal with tat as I plan on working a long time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I guess what I mean is that I understand the reasons they do it but it doesn't make sense to do it when the truth will come out soon after you get to know each other, and the other person will likely lose trust in the person because of the lie therefore not proceed to date them. However I guess it would also depend on the way they do it. I would give someone a chance if they had put a fake age on their profile, but in the content of the profile (or in the first message) clarify his real age and the reason he did it, because I understand that people don't want to be passed over for their age (in the search results), but once you talk to someone specifically, you reveal your real age, which I consider as an act of honesty and will respect them for it even if I don't want to date them. The guy I was talking about, I discovered it by accident, and he pretended like it was an innocent mistake when it clearly wasn't (he had input the wrong year and month, no way that was a mistake) and like it was no big deal. Not cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I could not stand when men on dating sites tried to mislead women by putting the wrong age in for search purposes or who "confessed" in the first e-mail. I found that just as bad as outright lying. I am sure I was passed over for my age (over 35) but I did not want to risk turning off people who were ethical and honest with some silly misleading game like putting a younger age (I have always looked much younger). I wanted children and so putting a younger age would have helped me in a certain way but lying like that would have been inconsistent with my values. I don't respect the so-called honesty of "I was lying so I would come up in searches of women who wanted men younger than me but now that I know I am eventually going to be found out I'll tell you". Etc. I have a few women friends who have lied about their ages on dating sites. I think it's wrong and unfair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 That's fair enough, we all have different tolerance thresholds to lies (of all kinds). The way I see it, the guys who carry on the lie for longer in hopes that their personality will win me over and I would then ignore their lie and compromise on my own criteria (e.g age limit) are taking me for a fool and being manipulative which I cannot accept, and sadly that's the way a lot of people do it. Whereas a confession right away is acceptable to me in the sense that they are laying out the truth from the start and giving me the choice to either give it a chance or not, some people might and some (like yourself) might not, which I think is the more honest thing to do. I personally can't accept manipulative behaviour in the slightest and this is a classic example. I guess I can accept the fake age in search result and confession approach because I consider them complete strangers like those on the street until I've at least directly communicated with them, so I don't feel being lied to if someone merely put themselves on my radar (ie search results), like they would if I met them in an offline setting (where you don't have to be restricted by your age especially if you look young), then immediately reveal the truth upon direct contact (or even in the profile content). That being said, I think we can all agree that it is preferred if they didn't lie about their age (or anything else). I've only met one person that lied about their age, which is not bad considering the amount of dates I've been on haha... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I don't want to be with someone who would intentionally lie about his age on a dating site in order to mislead people for whatever reason - the people looking at his profile are strangers of course but strangers who are then wasting their time communicating with him thinking he is one age when he is not. I don't know -I don't think it's ok to lie to someone just because that person is a complete stranger when you are intentionally wasting that person's time (and yes to me e-mailing with someone is taking up their time, based on a blatant lie). Obviously we can agree to disagree -I know of two women who dated liars who I declined to date on dating sites. One couple married ,one have been dating for many years. Both were incredibly rude to me about their lie. In an offline setting where you're not asked to type in your exact age on a profile I am fine with someone not wanting to share his/her age or not sharing his exact age "I'm in my early 40s" (as long as he is in his early 40s". When you're asked your actual age I expect the person to be honest. If he is not I have to wonder about his values about honesty in other aspects of his life. I was in contact with many men who lied about their ages. Sometimes they did the lame confession, often I ferreted it out on the internet (or in one case because he bragged about his successful ex-wife and said she was x years younger than he was - and her age was on the internet. If a stranger interviewed with me and had a fake degree date on his resume or lied about having the degree, then "confessed" while on the interview and claimed he just wanted to get in the door I wouldn't brush it off as "well it was a complete stranger lying to me over e-mail about his credentials but now he's come clean". To me it's the same thing. It was especially a sore point for me because as I wrote I gave up many opportunities to meet men who wanted someone under 35 (typically because of the biological clock) by putting my real age even though I could pass for much younger. I expected the same honesty from those men I decided to meet in person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Lol I'm not disagreeing with you, and I see your point. And I agree with the interview situation, in that case yes it would be unacceptable. Like I said we all have different thresholds about accepting lies and for me it depends on the situation. I guess I was thinking more where the guy messages me first, and in initiating a conversation, reveals his age first up, or reveal it in his profile, so I'm not actually wasting time communicating with him or doing anything more than I would have done anyway when I receive a message (ie reading it and look at the profile). I thought mainly along those lines because I seldomly message people first lol... I would react differently if I had contacted someone first based on their profile or have been communicating with them for a bit, and they tell me they had lied about their age (or whatever else). I work in one city and live in another (1 hr apart, I commute daily), spend most of my time in the city I work in, it's also the most convenient place for me to meet up with people, even on the weekend, I wouldn't mind commuting to that city for dates. I want to meet people in the city I work in because it's bigger and has more of the type of guys I'm looking for, I would also be willing to move to that city down the track if the relationship develops to that stage. More importantly, I know that most people in that city probably wouldn't have searched for the city I live in due to distance. So I've put my location as the city I work in and didn't think much of it, and definitely didn't think I was being misleading because to me I was in the city I work in most of the time. One guy ended up having a problem with it and thought I had misled him and he was only interested in meeting someone who lives in the city I work in. Oops my bad! So now I put in my profile content that I live in the other city and commute to this city daily, and will look to move there at some point (which is the truth but I have no immediate plans though). I left my location as the city I work in. Guys who message me are well aware of my situation before messaging me and are perfectly fine with it, no one ever had a problem with it, I'm assuming the ones that do simply wouldn't have messaged. I know it's not exactly the same as the age situation, and not an outright lie, but I've also bent the truth slightly to show up on search results, should I be considered as lying about my location or being misleading then? Lol.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 The reason I stop talking to men who've lied about their age is because I can't trust them that they haven't lied about other things, too. A friend of mine who is on the same site has put a fake age (10 yrs younger!) and she's like that as a person, too..she will bend the truth if it suits her. That's not the kind of guy I want to be with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 The reason I stop talking to men who've lied about their age is because I can't trust them that they haven't lied about other things, too. A friend of mine who is on the same site has put a fake age (10 yrs younger!) and she's like that as a person, too..she will bend the truth if it suits her. That's not the kind of guy I want to be with. I think you made the right call. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Yes, I would agree with all of that. Funny that even though I don't like everything about getting older, the thought of being with someone who desperately would like to be younger is something I would never want. I'm sure most if us would have known people like that - they are the eternal Peter Pans who can't grow up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 You're right -we all have our standards. I never minded when a guy's height was 2 inches shorter than he put on the profile because some people can make that kind of mistake or put their height with shoes on, etc (I was honest about both my height and weight). The location-related lie I found annoying but not a dealbreaker especially if the guy worked in my city and was there every day. I didn't care if the guy confessed about his age when he contacted me first. He still thought it was ok to mislead anyone who contacted him and to lie about his age and I wasn't comfortable with that. You are right -I would have been ok with the small height differential and the location issue within reason. I know you didn't mean to outright lie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Yes, I would agree with all of that. Funny that even though I don't like everything about getting older, the thought of being with someone who desperately would like to be younger is something I would never want. I'm sure most if us would have known people like that - they are the eternal Peter Pans who can't grow up. Most of the men who lied on dating sites (in my experience) weren't desperate to be younger -they were desperate to come up in search results for women who wanted men who were younger than they were. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I am someone who dated for a long while a man who lied about his age on line. He was known on here as The Gentleman. And he was an extraordinary gentleman in terms of his dating habits, which is the only thing that made me comfortable once I learned about the lie. I understand why he lied. When he runs, he competes in the 10 year younger age bracket. He can easily pass. I am wasn't comfortable with any of that. The initial lie did us both a disservice. It allowed him to deny who he is, and it asked me to envision a life with someone who was considering a new phase of his own. Once I dumped this man, I went 100% NC. Had he lived more boldy in his own skin, I might feel differently at least about some contact. Now, it all seems like one huge lie, trying to deny his age, trying to find a woman to accompany him into his next phase, trying to find a woman who will make him feel young, searching searching searching. There are few things more compelling than bald-faced honesty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 They all have justifications for lying like that, of course (as I wrote I would have had a huge justification) - to me it's all irrelevant. The only lie that I actually felt I could accept was the guy who posted a photo of only his profile because on the other side of his face he had deep scars running down to his neck, plus paralysis. His face was scary looking. I found out when I met him for the first time. Lovely person. At the date he told me about how it happened. I was polite and didn't mention anything about feeling misled or about the shock I felt seeing him for the first time. After the date I knew that I would not be comfortable dating him but it wasn't because he lied. I understood that most women would not have met him in the first place had they known. In all fairness I probably would not have because I would not have been attracted to his features. I told him a white lie about why I couldn't see him again when he called. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 That is indeed misleading! Though not showing it in a photo, maybe he could have put the fact that he has a scar on his face in his profile that way at least women who meet with him at least know that (though not the extent of it), and won't feel misled (and less shocked). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 The reason I stop talking to men who've lied about their age is because I can't trust them that they haven't lied about other things, too. A friend of mine who is on the same site has put a fake age (10 yrs younger!) and she's like that as a person, too..she will bend the truth if it suits her. That's not the kind of guy I want to be with. 10 years! Geez yea that's not bending the truth, that's an outright lie haha.. Bending the truth might be having just turned 30 but still listing as 29, maybe. Though I still don't see the point of doing it lol.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted November 3, 2014 Author Share Posted November 3, 2014 Nothing new from the online front..however, a colleague of mine told me today he'd like to introduce me to a friend of his. He's 52, he's been divorced for 3 years, he has a 25yo daughter and he has a cafe. My friend has known him for 15 years and he said he's a very nice guy. It won't be a date or anything, we'll just go to his cafe with other friends and see what happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick974 Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 ^^I've been there too, the friend trying to hook you up with someone. It always made me more pressured than with a random online person, you are afraid of screwing things up. I did it once or twice and that was never a good experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 Nothing new from the online front..however, a colleague of mine told me today he'd like to introduce me to a friend of his. He's 52, he's been divorced for 3 years, he has a 25yo daughter and he has a cafe. My friend has known him for 15 years and he said he's a very nice guy. It won't be a date or anything, we'll just go to his cafe with other friends and see what happens. Great idea! I met a very serious boyfriend through a set up and have set many people up. Have fun (and hope the cafe has good food and coffee). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Sounds good, have fun! Personally I would have preferred if other friends weren't present and we just go grab a coffee or something (much like an online first date, except you know each other through a different venue). I would feel less pressured that way. Once had a set up like that and the friends were all focused on me and the guy, like "aww look at those two", and it was so weird/awkward, I wasn't even interested in him. But if your friends behave and not act like it's a big deal then that should be fine as well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zuri Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Miss M. I am in awe at your tenacity at online dating. I have followed this thread from the beginning. I hope your friend get together is pleasant. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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