annie24 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 well, it takes two, right? You ask, "When do you want to meet?" and then they say, "Well, sometime later this week, let me check my work schedule and if I need to pick my daughter up from the swimming pool..." etc..... sigh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 He knows he's not on my list, of course. But again what is the purpose of doing that so quickly -after just 24 hours -I can see if in a few weeks or longer you haven't head from a particular person you don'tt need a cluttered list but the impression is that you're trying to make a strong statement "well if you're not contacting me than harumph, you're deleted" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 But again what is the purpose of doing that so quickly -after just 24 hours -I can see if in a few weeks or longer you haven't head from a particular person you don'tt need a cluttered list but the impression is that you're trying to make a strong statement "well if you're not contacting me than harumph, you're deleted" I don't always delete someone after 24 hrs. I had deleted James days later...some others it took over a week. With Jon, the reason was that not only did he not talk to me but, also, ignored me when I talked to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 Kane texted me good morning and we talked a bit about what happened to Brazil last night. I'm thinking I should stop replying to him..I really don't want to go out with him again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I don't always delete someone after 24 hrs. I had deleted James days later...some others it took over a week. With Jon, the reason was that not only did he not talk to me but, also, ignored me when I talked to him. Except again you are assuming he ignored you (just like my friend may have assumed that I saw her message and ignored her -luckily she did not). I really think you rely too much on assumptions about what being "online" means. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 Except again you are assuming he ignored you (just like my friend may have assumed that I saw her message and ignored her -luckily she did not). I really think you rely too much on assumptions about what being "online" means. I know very well what being online means. I know that when someone has no problem whatsoever spotting you online every single time for days before you meet, he will spot you after you meet, too...and if he doesn't the first time, he certainly will by the third...if he wants to. So far, in the (almost) year I've been on that site, I've never been wrong regarding someone's interest. Except with Keith and I'm still regretting that I didn't listen to my instinct with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I know very well what being online means. I know that when someone has no problem whatsoever spotting you online every single time for days before you meet, he will spot you after you meet, too...and if he doesn't the first time, he certainly will by the third...if he wants to. So far, in the (almost) year I've been on that site, I've never been wrong regarding someone's interest. Except with Keith and I'm still regretting that I didn't listen to my instinct with him. I still think since your reaction is to delete the person that assumption is far too risky. I'm not talking about whether he was interested but whether he was actually at his computer when he showed up on line. Even if every single day of the past few weeks he was - that's only a few weeks and no, you don't know. I'm not saying you were necessarily mistaken regarding his interest level, just how you decided to evaluate it (whether he was present at a computer that showed him on line). I find it strange that you would do this three times to see if he would respond and yet picking up the phone and calling one of those three times never occurred to you? Certainly a far more direct way of seeing if someone wanted to talk with you. (and yes if you had left a voicemail and your number showed up on his caller ID I would totally have understood if you didn't call again and deleted him). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 I find it strange that you would do this three times to see if he would respond and yet picking up the phone and calling one of those three times never occurred to you? Certainly a far more direct way of seeing if someone wanted to talk with you. (and yes if you had left a voicemail and your number showed up on his caller ID I would totally have understood if you didn't call again and deleted him). I did what 3 times? I didn't do anything, I just logged on the site and saw him there. Also, I never thought that he wouldn't want to talk to me..until he actually didn't. The first time I figured maybe he's busy. The second time I did wonder. So, the third time I decided to talk to him first...and, as I've said before, someone may be busy once, may not be on the pc the second time but third time's the charm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I did what 3 times? I didn't do anything, I just logged on the site and saw him there. Also, I never thought that he wouldn't want to talk to me..until he actually didn't. The first time I figured maybe he's busy. The second time I did wonder. So, the third time I decided to talk to him first...and, as I've said before, someone may be busy once, may not be on the pc the second time but third time's the charm. That's if you assume that online is a good way to evaluate whether the person whose name appears online is physically at the computer. I'm online on social media very often when I am not at the computer. So in my opinion you have no idea if he was at the computer any of the times. You didn't need to contact him at all - he can contact you and ask you out on a first date after the first meet -but your indirect way of contacting him -which is what online is, at best (as opposed to calling his personal number and talking or leaving a message) and then deleting him sounds kind of passive aggressive to me. You can say all you want that he had some kind of pattern of contact before you met - you know the patterns of your socks longer than you knew this guy and you only knew him as a voice and words on a screen until the first meet. You have no idea if he wanted to talk to you or not because you're assuming that when you were sitting at your computer he was too. All that is irrelevant -here is what I would do -in the future ask the person whether you can assume he is sitting at his computer when his username is online - just say that you want to make sure he's getting your messages - that way you'll know if he's ignoring you or simply not sitting there for whatever reason. And, give the person at least a week to ask you out on a first date before deleting him - there's no reason for the person to see that he's deleted other than some "well I'll show you" game on your part - at least not within 24 hours. Anyway it sounds like James returned despite your deleting him (although there he canceled an actual date -it wasn't just that you assumed he was "ignoring" you) and I hope you enjoy your date with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 Batya, noone has ever asked me out on a second date a week later. Or even contacted me at all if he hadn't in the first few days after the date. Never. Those who did contact me again did it months later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Batya, noone has ever asked me out on a second date a week later. Or even contacted me at all if he hadn't in the first few days after the date. Never. Those who did contact me again did it months later. There's always a first time (and anyway we're talking about first dates -you're going on first meets with these guys - which makes a difference because of course that early on they should be having first meets with other women too -after a first date, too, but more so with first meets I would think). My husband and I went on three platonic "dates" before getting back together. After the first time we met for dinner he called 3 days later for that weekend. After that second date we e-mailed every 3 days or so -but- drum roll! -I think it was 10 days (!) before he asked to get together again. And yes there was a reason. These were not real dates -we decided to get back together on that third date - but I am so glad I didn't write him off. On the other hand I had a first meet with a guy from an on line site, then we had a first real date shortly after (I think he asked me out fairly quickly) and after that, twice he called after a few months and twice I met up with him again. I don't think we even kissed (maybe a quick one) but I didn't buy his excuses. It's an individual thing. Another point I'll add- I think it's unwise to have any kind of "pattern" of contact before you meet in person - have that phone call so you can screen out strange types, incompatible people -and then meet - that way there are no expectations of how he contacts or doesn't as the case may be and you can establish what's going on with communication when it makes sense -which is after you meet in person and after you decide whether to go on a first real date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 Another point I'll add- I think it's unwise to have any kind of "pattern" of contact before you meet in person - have that phone call so you can screen out strange types, incompatible people -and then meet - that way there are no expectations of how he contacts or doesn't as the case may be and you can establish what's going on with communication when it makes sense -which is after you meet in person and after you decide whether to go on a first real date. I agree with you but you can't tell someone 'don't talk to me' if he messages you online or if he calls/texts before the first date like Jon did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Thank you so much for writing this. This is helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 I agree with you but you can't tell someone 'don't talk to me' if he messages you online or if he calls/texts before the first date like Jon did. Of course not -after the first phone call if he wants to do the chat buddy thing - you write back "I am really enjoying texting/chatting with you but I prefer to get to know people in person -and things are kind of busy right now -I really look forward to meeting you! Of course if you need to change our plan let me know" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 I think...as i've said before...if this guy was all over MM before the date...and then wasn't AFTER the date (or meet...whatever...they're the same thing....) he has lost interest. I've done the same thing. And have it done to me. Like everyone says...if a guy is into you..he will let you know. I am seeing a guy for the third time this Sat. We have been emailing and txting and a few phone calls...since May 28. This is NOT enough for me...and i practically had to force him to see me....lol. Well...not quite..but i initiated. He's been working overtime a lot. But I'm already wondering if he's losing interest because lack of correspondence. I think when this guy did an abrupt change of behavior...that is telling. And why would anyone want to beat a dead horse...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 I think...as i've said before...if this guy was all over MM before the date...and then wasn't AFTER the date (or meet...whatever...they're the same thing....) he has lost interest. I've done the same thing. And have it done to me. Like everyone says...if a guy is into you..he will let you know. I am seeing a guy for the third time this Sat. We have been emailing and txting and a few phone calls...since May 28. This is NOT enough for me...and i practically had to force him to see me....lol. Well...not quite..but i initiated. He's been working overtime a lot. But I'm already wondering if he's losing interest because lack of correspondence. I think when this guy did an abrupt change of behavior...that is telling. And why would anyone want to beat a dead horse...... We just see it differently. I never ever thought any guy was "all over me" if we had never met in person. By definition he could not be. And I never analyzed "all over me" by typing on line messages to me. That's easy to do -can mean almost nothing or nothing. And that was true even after we met in person. I don't think first meets are dates because the people arranging the meeting have never met - so it's a way to see if there should be a date. The way I evaluated "into me" was if he called me and asked me out in advance for a date and reliably showed up on the date, only canceling for an emergency. Anything else at that stage was just fluff. I agree in your case that the guy has probably lost interest if he has not made a plan to see you in person for that long. If you had to convince him to see you in person after all this time I don't really see the point - overtime work or not. In Miss Marple's case we were talking about her decision to cut the guy off after 24 hours because he did not message her while she was on line and she saw his name as "on line". I agree that when men change their behavior abruptly while you are dating the person that can be telling (or there can be a perfectly logical explanation that is not "just not that into you". Miss Marple wasn't dating this person - even if you think of the first meet as a first date- they had only met once in their lives. No behavior patterns yet in that short period of time. It sounds like, Realitynut, that your approach is working wonderfully for you. It worked wonderfully for me as well - I knew when a guy was "not that into me" as well. I would have never evaluated the behavior Miss Marple described with Jon as that situation to the extent of "deleting" him (once he didn't ask me out for a first real date while on the first meet I would have assumed that he was not so over the moon yet but I would have taken a wait and see approach). It might have been the case but I would never have deleted a person in that same situation. I would have probably waited for him to contact me and ask me out for the first real date -but I wouldn't have been waiting - I would have been open to it if he called within a week or so -and I'd have been meeting and dating other people in the meanwhile just like Miss Marple -so no passive "waiting". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 I just don't see the point in keeping someone I've already gone out with on my list. No point at all. He has my phone number, he has my email, if he's interested, he'll get in touch. Because, just like you say that someone could seem to be 'online' and not be, by the same token, I could have deleted someone by accident or because my list was getting too crowded. IF he was interested, he could always text or call or email me. For the record, I deleted Kane a little after I'd given him my number...it didn't bother him at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 I just don't see the point in keeping someone I've already gone out with on my list. No point at all. He has my phone number, he has my email, if he's interested, he'll get in touch. Because, just like you say that someone could seem to be 'online' and not be, by the same token, I could have deleted someone by accident or because my list was getting too crowded. IF he was interested, he could always text or call or email me. For the record, I deleted Kane a little after I'd given him my number...it didn't bother him at all. Sure if it works that way I totally agree. I would have just waited much longer if I were you and the fact that you didn't - I don't buy that it's just because your list was all of a sudden too crowded one day later. You are right that he might think it was by accident. I have thought the same about Facebook with unfriending and actually been right once or twice as it turned out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 The reason wasn't that my list was too crowded..I said someone might think that it was. The reason was that I don't see the point in seeing someone online all the time when they won't talk to me...why see when they're online? Nothing at all to gain from it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 The reason wasn't that my list was too crowded..I said someone might think that it was. The reason was that I don't see the point in seeing someone online all the time when they won't talk to me...why see when they're online? Nothing at all to gain from it. Because you're assuming he would not talk to you just because you saw his username on the site. Huge assumption (and yes even though he typed messages to you before that day). Who cares if you see a username when you are on line -no need to focus on it. But perhaps if you had given it a few more days or longer before deleting him he may not have had to contemplate whether you deleted him by accident or on purpose. I guess if he calls you in 6 months and tells you that he had a death in the family and a surgery and he also couldn't find his socks then you'll consider seeing him again. And no I am not at all trivializing what James told you happened -those are tragic circumstances. But obviously at some point in 8 months he could have sent you a casual message (sooner rather than later) to let you know that he hadn't disappeared. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 I don't understand why you compare the situation to what happened with James. I had deleted him, too and I've said before that if Jon gets in touch with me, I'll give him a second chace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 I don't understand why you compare the situation to what happened with James. I had deleted him, too and I've said before that if Jon gets in touch with me, I'll give him a second chace. You're right -there's little comparison because James canceled a date he had with you and then didn't call you. All that happened with Jon was that his username appeared on the dating site 3 times on one day before you deleted him. My only point was why put the roadblock up to Jon of deleting him so quickly when you really don't know if he was at his computer at the same time you were -at least with James you knew for sure that he canceled a date and then didn't contact you again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 I just deleted Eddie. He had changed his age to 41 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 I just deleted Eddie. He had changed his age to 41 Well that is pretty funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 MM - what dating site are you using? Just curious as I haven't heard of one that allows you to add friends, etc. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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