missmarple Posted July 5, 2014 Author Share Posted July 5, 2014 Dear God...Eddie just called me...and it's night here! Once more, I didn't pick up. I wonder when he's going to take the hint!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 Look it's your choice - honestly I think making that assumption based on someone you met in person once and expecting him to ask you out within 24 hours and to notice when you are on an online site (as opposed to answering your phone call which is what I would have done if I really wanted to get in touch with someone) just tells me that you're putting up walls and making excuses -you're so insecure that he wasn't as into you as you were into him that instead of waiting it out for a few days at least you set out to prove to yourself that he can't be interested by doing the "I'll show up online and message him" indirect approach and putting him to the almost impossible standard of asking you out within 24 hours. That's the easy way out IMO. Now you'll never really know because he probably won't bother contacting someone who deleted him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 When did I say I expected him to ask me out within 24 hours? I didn't. I expected him to say hello within 24 hours if he was interested, which is perfectly reasonable after the way he had been all over me before we met...and it's what EVERYONE has done in the past when they had liked the date...except Keith and he was full of issues....and even guys who did get in touch, sometimes, turned out not to be that interested. You call it insecurity...I call it experience after having met almost 150 men online...and not wasting my time. A guy who likes the date WILL get in touch. Sure, some guys may do it a couple of days later..for example, I don't expect Chad to contact me today or even tomorrow..I won't expect Kane (my date for tonight) to do that, either...but not Jon. Nope. He showed me what he was like...hell, he even TOLD me what he was like. I'm not making excuses and, frankly, I don't consider myself insecure at all. Sure, I could have kept him on my list and keep seeing him online...I've done it in the past. It never got me anywhere. You may say that it's 'too much' to expect him to notice when I'm online but, yeah, when, before the date, he ALWAYS noticed and ALWAYS talked to me and, after the date, he logs in 3 times in a day and doesn't 'notice' I'm online or even reply to my hello? 1% chance as I've said before. The only 'impossible standard' I put him to was to say hello, how are you...if that was too much for him (a guy who couldn't stop saying hello before we met), good luck to him. On other news, Kane, the fireman, called me early in the morning and we're meeting at 8.30pm tonight. To be continued... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 I have a date for tomorrow, too...with............................................Eddie Unbelievable...lol He found me online and talked to me. He insisted it's all been a misunderstanding, that he's single etc etc and still wants to meet me. So. I said 'ok, tomorrow evening, are you free?' I was sure he'd suggest afternoon again but no. He said he's free and we agreed on 8.30. It goes without saying that if he bails on me, I'll block him for good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 I dated far more men than you did and for many more years than you did (I wasn't lucky enough to be married as you were -and I mean that sincerely!) and in my experience labeling someone like Jon as someone who would definitely get in touch within 24 hours just based on the typing/talking before the date is too extreme and you're sabotaging yourself. If you want someone to say hello then contact that person in a way where you know he's available to say hello - if you'd called him on the phone and left a voice mail and he didn't call back within a few days (yes a few days- he's basically a stranger -you don't know what else is going on in his life) I would totally agree with you. What I find the most telling is that you deleted him - that wasn't necessary - if you hadn't then if he did get in touch and you learned that there was a good reason why he didn't call you right away then you could have considered it but instead you deliberately made it so that even if he was interested or changed his mind you wouldn't have to even deal with any possible gray area - it's a rigid approach and also the easy way out on your part. I don't think you'd like it if someone drew these broad assumptions about your behavior based on meeting you once and just typing/talking to you before then. There's no pattern there. I think your behavior shows that your priority is not to risk being vulnerable to potential rejection even if there's a good chance you might not be -and you want to fire the first shot - that's all ego stuff and to me that's inconsistent with really wanting to meet someone who could be a good match (( mean you're elevating the ego stuff over meeting someone who could be a good match). You're getting in your own way (and I mean that even if you learn that you were right about Jon). Here's what you do know for sure. He didn't set up a time/place first official date with you after the first meet or at least say "I need to check my calendar when I get home but which days are you free next week". That means his interest level was not at the very top which is fine - no worries -but that made you feel vulnerable and I think that's when you started down this path of "well I don't want to get hurt so I'm only going to keep waiting if he passes my test of responding to me on line and behaving exactly as he did before he met me". You raised the bar to protect your ego. It's more fun to get to know someone who might be a good match then to have another date with your ego. I promise! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 It's not about my ego. It's about what I'm looking for. I'm looking for someone who is consistent. I AM consistent. I'm looking for someone who doesn't play games. I DON'T play games. I'm looking for someone who can say hello the next day of a date IF he's interested and we happen to meet online (3 times). Why would I risk being 'vulnerable to potential rejection'? I would risk it if I had fallen head over heels for someone. Not the case. I want to meet a good match..and a good match FOR ME is a guy who doesn't make me guess, who shows he's interested and who isn't one person before the date and a different person after the date. That kind of behaviour confuses me and I don't like being confused. I trust my experience and instinct very much. They've never let me down before, especially when it comes to online dating...and, Batya, what might have been right for you (i.e. keep someone on my list for ever until he decides to talk to me again if he ever does) isn't right for me. Not because I have a big ego but because I KNOW what I want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 The date with Kane was just ok. First of all, he was shorter than he had said and he had a huge scar under his eye that wasn't there in the (apparently old) pictures. Then, his body was shaved...at least, his chest was (his shirt was open enough for me to see) and that's something that always puts me off. He was ok conversation-wise although we didn't talk about anything important (very different experience to the date with Chad). just about holidays, the net and his last relationship. There was no chemistry between us and I don't think we'll talk again although he did say he'll call me..but then again they all do..lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 well, no offense to guys out there, but most men rarely know what a woman wants right off the bat. they're not mind readers. you want one level of attentiveness, but they don't know what it is. I was going to say that most men are clueless, but that's not really fair. Some guys just don't want to be seen as too clingy or needy, so they may not call you as soon as you would like, simply because the world around them tells them they have to play it cool. I think it's probably easier to at least in the beginning, be a bit more patient, and then as the relationship warms up, tell them about your preferred level of contact. just a thought.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 Some guys just don't want to be seen as too clingy or needy, so they may not call you as soon as you would like, simply because the world around them tells them they have to play it cool.. That hasn't been the case with any of the guys I've gone out with and who wanted to see me again. They all either told me during the date, right after the date or called me the very next day. The ones who didn't, either contacted me like a month later asking 'how I'm doing' or never again...and, in any case, Jon didn't even have to contact me, he saw me online (3 times, don't forget)...and when someone has already told you (and showed you) that when he likes a woman, he's all over her and then goes 24 hours without as much as a hello, what else do I need to see? As for not wanting to appear clingy or needy, some guys are like that...he's not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 missmarple, I agree with you - body shaving turns me off with guys unless they are swimmers and compete. I do shave my legs/armpits as a woman and I know it's a bit of a double standard, I know. I don't really care if a guy NATURALLY doesn't have much hair at all, that doesn't bother me, but the shaved chest and whatnot, yeah...not my thing. Reminds me of a "Ken" doll, haha. I know I'm not the only one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 You have no idea if Jon saw you online but you can be sure that he saw that you deleted him. Seriously -you truly believe a man you just met once in person should be in touch within 24 hours? Really? And you really think you know who he is in that short a time. You have no idea if his behavior is consistent or not - before you met him in person he was a total stranger for all practical purposes and now that you've met him once he is at most an acquaintance. If he was in contact a lot before you met in person and a little less so after reading into it to the extreme you are - "you don't contact me within 24 hours so you're banished" -that's playing games -not just with him (because you're not communicating directly to him in any way -either about your particular needs or by calling him) but with yourself (I know you disagree, that's ok) -and that's the most harmful game, actually. Obviously there's nothing wrong with you rejecting everyone under the sun for any reason you please - it's a free country. I just don't think in this case you have any basis to use it as an example of "see how it's so hard to meet anyone of quality?" You're the one making it hard on yourself when you choose to behave in this way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zuri Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 missmarple, I agree with you - body shaving turns me off with guys unless they are swimmers and compete. I do shave my legs/armpits as a woman and I know it's a bit of a double standard, I know. I don't really care if a guy NATURALLY doesn't have much hair at all, that doesn't bother me, but the shaved chest and whatnot, yeah...not my thing. Reminds me of a "Ken" doll, haha. I know I'm not the only one! You are definitely not the only one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Edited to add - my suggestion -if you are going to have these (in my opinion) impossible standards for virtual strangers to live up to then at least refrain from blocking the person or deleting them simply because he did not contact you within your time frame or simply because you assume he was physically at his computer when it showed him on line and able to respond. At least then you leave the door open enough for the chance to learn information that might change your mind. Obviously you've had good reason to block the people who flaked on you/were unreliable or simply lied about facts about themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 Batya, I know he saw me online. How do I know? Because he himself had told me that he doesn't have anyone else on his contact list and because it didn't happen once, it didn't happen twice, it happened 3 times...when, before the date, it had never happened, to the point that I couldn't talk to anyone else because the moment I went online he jumped on me. Even if he couldn't text/call me (which he could do fine every single morning before we met), he DID see me online. You may say I'm making assumptions. I call it 'not pretending to not see what's right in front of my eyes'...a guy who wouldn't stop talking to me before we met and didn't say a word in the 24 hrs after the date even though he saw me = he's not interested. You would have a point if I had deleted him the very first time I saw him and he didn't say hello. Then, you could say that, maybe, he was busy or didn't see me or something. But 3 times with hours apart one from the other and no text/phonecall from someone who did it every single day before and who told me HIMSELF that when he likes a woman, he won't leave her alone? Come on. I really think that, in this case, you disagree just to disagree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 Kane just texted me asking how I'm doing. I didn't expect (or want) to hear from him but, anyway, I answered that I'm fine. He texted back that he's at work and sent hugs. Apparently, this one can live up to the impossible standard of texting 4 words Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 OK let's disagree. And being on line is not the same as talking for this purpose-if you really wanted to talk to him rather than type "hello" to test his level of interest (which is what you were doing - you couldn't wait to see if he'd call you first and I get the temptation, I really do) then you would have called him to actually talk to him rather than appearing on line with "hello". And big deal if he couldn't type back those three times -certainly not a "sin" that warrants deleting him -kind of an extreme reaction. But yes let's agree to disagree. Last week by the way I discovered that a friend who I had messaged to get together while I'm in her town had messaged back within that day but I hadn't seen it for close to a week - just missed it since I probably clicked on other messages I received. I immediately contacted her in two different ways to tell her what happened. I felt badly but obviously messaging has its downsides as my example shows. And yes as per your last post if your standard is that a man has to message you within 24 hours of a first meet or respond to a non-urgent message typed to him on line that you assume he saw or you're going to delete him yes that's a nearly impossible standard to live up to unless he promised to message you within that time (and if he did sure I'd be with you totally -as you know I don't suffer flakes either). Again you're entitled to any standard you want - that's not a problem at all. (what you wrote above has nothing to do with my opinion, in short -of course typing 4 words is not the issue -it's your standards about timing or contact and your banishment of anyone who didn't get the memo). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 -if you really wanted to talk to him rather than type "hello" to test his level of interest (which is what you were doing - you couldn't wait to see if he'd call you first and I get the temptation, I really do). No, I didn't message him to test his level of interest. I messaged him because he always messaged me first before the date, so, when, after the date, I saw him online twice and he didn't talk to me, I decided to talk to him first the next time. Not to test him but to show him I'm interested...as I had never messaged him first before we met. In any case, you keep saying that I expect guys to message me within 24 hrs or I delete them and I keep telling you that I was talking about THIS PARTICULAR GUY and his method of communication. You either don't get it or you don't want to get it, I'm not sure which one is it. I certainly haven't deleted Chad and we went out 2 days ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I agree with MissMarple. If a guy is constantly emailing/txting before a 'meet' or date, then suddenly goes 'cold' after they meet you...means NO INTEREST! Happens...a lot. To me anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I agree with MissMarple. If a guy is constantly emailing/txting before a 'meet' or date, then suddenly goes 'cold' after they meet you...means NO INTEREST! Happens...a lot. To me anyway. Yes I agree. I don't agree that that is what happened here. She cut to the chase and deleted him after 24 hours so she'll never know what really happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 No, I didn't message him to test his level of interest. I messaged him because he always messaged me first before the date, so, when, after the date, I saw him online twice and he didn't talk to me, I decided to talk to him first the next time. Not to test him but to show him I'm interested...as I had never messaged him first before we met. In any case, you keep saying that I expect guys to message me within 24 hrs or I delete them and I keep telling you that I was talking about THIS PARTICULAR GUY and his method of communication. You either don't get it or you don't want to get it, I'm not sure which one is it. I certainly haven't deleted Chad and we went out 2 days ago. I get it perfectly well and I disagree that what he did showed inconsistency at this early point -and you never gave him the chance to reply and explain if there was a perfectly good explanation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 Well, if you insist that a guy who texted/called/emailed 3-4 times daily and who jumped on me every single time I went online before we met and who had made a point to tell me that when he likes a woman, he's all over her, could have a perfectly logical explanation for not sending a single text and for not saying a word in the next 24 hrs after we met, when he had logged on the site 3 times (morning, afternoon and evening) and when I talked (typed) to him myself, then, indeed, we view things very different. I took him at his word 'I don't leave women guessing, I make it very obvious when I like someone'..and, in my eyes, he did make it obvious that he wasn't interested. Anyway, I'm getting ready for the date with Eddie....hopefully, he won't flake! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 My take (for what it's worth, I dunno) - is that you're really good at getting first dates, but not second or third dates. Obviously, your profile is nice otherwise there wouldn't be so much attention. But I think it might be helpful to change some things around so that you are having more second and third dates that may lead to a relationship. Granted, I know that you don't want to have second dates with a lot of guys you meet. I've not been on a date with you so I don't know what is going on there, but it may be worth examining that and figuring out what it is that you can do to up the number of men who ask you out on a second date (especially the ones you like). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 it may be worth examining that and figuring out what it is that you can do to up the number of men who ask you out on a second date (especially the ones you like). I've thought of that, too, but, frankly, I can't figure out what it is. I believe I'm exactly the same with everyone. I'm pleasant, I smile, I answer questions, I ask questions....most of my dates go very well communication-wise and the ones that don't are with guys I don't feel any connection with and I don't want to see again. I always thank them when they pay for me, I'm polite...the only thing I don't do is ask a guy out on a second date myself. My date with Eddie went well or so I thought. He looked like his pics (which is quite nice), he was open, talkative and with a good sense of humour. I didn't feel any chemistry between us but I'd like to see him again. He said he'll call me...sooooooo, we'll see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Do you portray yourself accurately in your profile...like using current profile pictures that show not just your face but full body pictures? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 Do you portray yourself accurately in your profile...like using current profile pictures that show not just your face but full body pictures? Yes, I look exactly like my pics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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