missmarple Posted July 19, 2016 Author Share Posted July 19, 2016 Thanks. It's a new guy and we've only talked once on the site. Everything seemed fine until the conversation came to relationships and he told me his longest one had just been 6 months. He didn't explain why, he said it's complicated and I didn't want to insist as we had just met. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zaphod Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 I think the problem with online dating, and indeed dating agencies is it kind of works the opposite way round to what seems natural. The way I've always worked is to be attracted to someone chemically, after having seen them IRL at some point, and then take it from there. Rather than evaluating them on paper then meeting them if they seem compatible, and we inevitably find there is no chemistry there. In online dating, all you have is a photo, and possibly a voice, you can't see the way they smile, the way they move, the way they walk, etc. etc. For example, "opposites attract" - I think there's a lot in that. But in online dating, an "opposite" wouldn't even get a look-in. Because not enough boxes would be checked. I'm not entirely sure I want a woman who's too similar to me, I've been there and what happens is you clash, a bit like red and orange. Now red and blue or red and green, that's a more complimentary combination. However, if it's all you've got, as in, you don't really meet any people IRL then fair enough, I guess, there's not a lot of options open to you apart from online dating. But it does seem to have an extremely low hit-rate compared to meeting IRL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 I think the problem with online dating, and indeed dating agencies is it kind of works the opposite way round to what seems natural. The way I've always worked is to be attracted to someone chemically, after having seen them IRL at some point, and then take it from there. Rather than evaluating them on paper then meeting them if they seem compatible, and we inevitably find there is no chemistry there. In online dating, all you have is a photo, and possibly a voice, you can't see the way they smile, the way they move, the way they walk, etc. etc. For example, "opposites attract" - I think there's a lot in that. But in online dating, an "opposite" wouldn't even get a look-in. Because not enough boxes would be checked. I'm not entirely sure I want a woman who's too similar to me, I've been there and what happens is you clash, a bit like red and orange. Now red and blue or red and green, that's a more complimentary combination. However, if it's all you've got, as in, you don't really meet any people IRL then fair enough, I guess, there's not a lot of options open to you apart from online dating. But it does seem to have an extremely low hit-rate compared to meeting IRL. De Je vu for me. I said something which meant the same on a different thread a few moments ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 19, 2016 Author Share Posted July 19, 2016 However, if it's all you've got, as in, you don't really meet any people IRL then fair enough, I guess, there's not a lot of options open to you apart from online dating. But it does seem to have an extremely low hit-rate compared to meeting IRL. Unfortunately, it is. I meet people through friends, relatives, etc. here and there but most of them are married or too young or too old. Guys near my age who are single or divorced I meet very rarely. I think age is a big part of it..when I was in my '20s I never had this problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 That's what I was trying to say on ND's journal ....about not having a large selection out there at 'our age'.... Taken. Etc. And I sorta got jumped on. (now i'm being Latresse and overly sensitive...lol) But yah, in your 20's and 30's....more single people. More options. Less baggage. More picky...in what you want and don't want. I recently go back on pof. I had TWO possibilities. Met them both. First guy, tall, good looking, wasn't dirt poor. He hardly talked. Didn't make me laugh. I didn't make him laugh. He liked hiking, biking and kayaking...same as me. But no mental connection. (who knows...he probably didn't like me physically either!!!) Second guy...last night. 52. Has 6 kids...the 12 year old girl lives with him...and he's probably gonna get more! Doesn't like doing the things I like...and he drank 6 beers! ugh They were both cute....but still. NOPE. Neither gave me even ONE compliment the whole night. Where as I told the second guy I liked his hair numerous times, and he looked different than any of his pictures...but good. Ugh. I'm ready to quit already...and I've only done it for 2 weeks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 I think the problem with online dating, and indeed dating agencies is it kind of works the opposite way round to what seems natural. The way I've always worked is to be attracted to someone chemically, after having seen them IRL at some point, and then take it from there. Rather than evaluating them on paper then meeting them if they seem compatible, and we inevitably find there is no chemistry there. In online dating, all you have is a photo, and possibly a voice, you can't see the way they smile, the way they move, the way they walk, etc. etc. For example, "opposites attract" - I think there's a lot in that. But in online dating, an "opposite" wouldn't even get a look-in. Because not enough boxes would be checked. I'm not entirely sure I want a woman who's too similar to me, I've been there and what happens is you clash, a bit like red and orange. Now red and blue or red and green, that's a more complimentary combination. However, if it's all you've got, as in, you don't really meet any people IRL then fair enough, I guess, there's not a lot of options open to you apart from online dating. But it does seem to have an extremely low hit-rate compared to meeting IRL. Several of my friends have very happy marriages/long term relationships through on line dating sites. I do not think opposites attract when it comes to goals and values and I definitely screened for those (marriage/family/education for example) I do think dating online is silly. I think using an online dating site for the first contact, then meeting in person ASAP is smart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 19, 2016 Author Share Posted July 19, 2016 I talked to him once more and, since I find myself somewhat interested in him, I'll give some more details So, Koby is 49, single, no kids, 5'7, brown hair/eyes, sweet face and works at a company. He's an Aquarian and his communication style, in writing at least, is very similar to mine. Straight forward, seems clever, has a good sense of humour. I did ask him about his lack of long term relationships. He said he's looking for emotion, romance and spontaneity and his exes were like that at first but then changed. I didn't ask him to elaborate but I took that to mean he's probably weird himself...which would make sense since I like him so far..lol. Anyway, there has been no mention of meeting and I'm fine with just chatting for now as I'm not sure I want to meet him. I think he could be trouble but who knows? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 "I think he could be trouble" You've already met so many, what's one more? Haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthDallas40 Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 I did ask him about his lack of long term relationships. He said he's looking for emotion, romance and spontaneity and his exes were like that at first but then changed. (stifles huge belly laugh) I think the real key here is that he's 49 and doesn't realize that nobody can sustain those kinds of traits for very long at the levels he's probably talking about. Except him, I'm sure. On the bright side, if ya'll date for more than six months then you can truly say you're a life-changer! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 I agree with ND. His comments may mean that he doesn't get that the honeymoon infatuation part wears off in relationships. Everyone becomes pretty predictable and a little boring to each other at some point. The question is, at that point, do you still like their company? If he's looking for butterflies and spontaneity that lasts a lifetime, well, that won't happen with just one person. Our brains aren't wired that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 I talked to him once more and, since I find myself somewhat interested in him, I'll give some more details So, Koby is 49, single, no kids, 5'7, brown hair/eyes, sweet face and works at a company. He's an Aquarian and his communication style, in writing at least, is very similar to mine. Straight forward, seems clever, has a good sense of humour. I did ask him about his lack of long term relationships. He said he's looking for emotion, romance and spontaneity and his exes were like that at first but then changed. I didn't ask him to elaborate but I took that to mean he's probably weird himself...which would make sense since I like him so far..lol. Anyway, there has been no mention of meeting and I'm fine with just chatting for now as I'm not sure I want to meet him. I think he could be trouble but who knows? I'd meet him only if you are 100% fine with only dating him for a short time. I also love how he says he is looking for those things and that his exes were "like that at first" -so what did he do to try to keep things fresh and interesting? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 20, 2016 Author Share Posted July 20, 2016 I agree with all of you. A few more things about him: he has a twin brother and one more brother who's a bit younger than the twins. Both his brothers are married with kids (he says he's against marriage) and live out of town. He lives with his parents and takes care of them..they're both over 80 and have mobility issues. He's an ex smoker (until 3 years ago), he says animals love him and we seem to have many things in common..he's easy to talk to and asks questions..he reminds me a bit of John (THE John..lol) except with this one I'm not expecting anything and I'm not even sure there would be any chemistry between us..even to date for a short time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 20, 2016 Author Share Posted July 20, 2016 I don't think I'll talk to him again. I looked at his profile more carefully today and found he has 2 female friends..which is normal on its own, of course...except one of them is obviously a call-girl (there are some of them on the site and easy to spot) and I asked him about it. He said he has 'no idea how they got there', that he doesn't have any friends on the site and the site probably did it without his knowledge....total b/s as I've talked to over 200 men on there and very few of them had other friends and none had a call-girl on their list. So, not only he probably uses call girls (which is a big no-no for me) but, also, he thinks I'm stupid. The joys of online dating Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 That's what I was trying to say on ND's journal ....about not having a large selection out there at 'our age'.... Taken. Etc. And I sorta got jumped on. (now i'm being Latresse and overly sensitive...lol) But yah, in your 20's and 30's....more single people. More options. Less baggage. More picky...in what you want and don't want. I recently go back on pof. I had TWO possibilities. Met them both. First guy, tall, good looking, wasn't dirt poor. He hardly talked. Didn't make me laugh. I didn't make him laugh. He liked hiking, biking and kayaking...same as me. But no mental connection. (who knows...he probably didn't like me physically either!!!) Second guy...last night. 52. Has 6 kids...the 12 year old girl lives with him...and he's probably gonna get more! Doesn't like doing the things I like...and he drank 6 beers! ugh They were both cute....but still. NOPE. Neither gave me even ONE compliment the whole night. Where as I told the second guy I liked his hair numerous times, and he looked different than any of his pictures...but good. Ugh. I'm ready to quit already...and I've only done it for 2 weeks. I didn't mean to jump on you, RN. It's just - OLD and IRL dating - both are easier if we think about it like an activity. The likelihood that we'll meet someone - who knows. There are things that make it harder now but also, easier because I'm more authentically me. We can't change age, but we have advantages of being self aware etc we didn't have before. I will say, I had better results on Bumble than POF or OKC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 I don't think I'll talk to him again. I looked at his profile more carefully today and found he has 2 female friends..which is normal on its own, of course...except one of them is obviously a call-girl (there are some of them on the site and easy to spot) and I asked him about it. He said he has 'no idea how they got there', that he doesn't have any friends on the site and the site probably did it without his knowledge....total b/s as I've talked to over 200 men on there and very few of them had other friends and none had a call-girl on their list. So, not only he probably uses call girls (which is a big no-no for me) but, also, he thinks I'm stupid. The joys of online dating Weird. Maybe he just flirted with them, wanted their attention. No matter, I agree with your decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 lol...no probs ITIC....I don't even know if it was you. I am overly sensitive....something I'm working on! MM....I guess our dating sites are set up different than yours. We don't have 'friends'....or see who other's are talking to. Strange...I don't get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 20, 2016 Author Share Posted July 20, 2016 Well, he talked to me again (had left a couple of offlines, too), we talked about it again, he insisted the site 'had done it before and he had to delete people from his list' (b/s) and when I said I still see them there he said 'oh, I just didn't get round to it since I don't even know them'. And that's when I blocked and deleted him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 Ridiculous, I agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 You've been so quiet MM, how's things? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted August 16, 2016 Author Share Posted August 16, 2016 You've been so quiet MM, how's things? Thanks for asking, notalady. The thing is I've been having a health problem for about a month now...I've had a couple of medical exams and it seems the problem is gynecological and I may need a hysterectomy. So, I haven't bothered with dating and stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Oh man.... Hope everything turns out okay. Thinking of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 I hope all is ok and if you need a procedure please post and we will give support! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted August 16, 2016 Author Share Posted August 16, 2016 Thank you both very much. I'll keep you updated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Oh...so sorry. Figured you were just sick of the dating life! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Big hugs. I hope you are ok soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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