Batya33 Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 It just seems like someone who doesn't care that much if you meet or not. I'll talk to him for a few more days but unless he asks for my phone number/asks me out, I don't see this going far. Why a few more days of chatting to a stranger? I'd give it one more interaction and if he doesn't ask to meet in person I think you have your answer (and one more time is generous IMO). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted April 3, 2016 Author Share Posted April 3, 2016 Stan messaged me on the site, told me he didn't have a good time last night (he went to a rock club but he didn't really like the band) and then we talked about cooking (he sent me a pic of the meal he was making for his daughters..it looked good!) and a little bit about our net experiences. I found out he had a serious relationship after his divorce...it lasted for 4 years and they broke up a year ago..according to him because she thought he spent too much time with his kids. He was nice about it and he said they had had good times, too..which I liked as he doesn't sound bitter at all. Then I had to go and so did he. I'm not sure how long I'll keep talking to him. I enjoy our chats but my reason for being there is to meet someone. Oh, well, no other prospect for now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 3, 2016 Share Posted April 3, 2016 He probably lacks actual time to date but if he's chatting people up on the site he can tell himself he is trying to date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted April 3, 2016 Author Share Posted April 3, 2016 He probably lacks actual time to date but if he's chatting people up on the site he can tell himself he is trying to date. This is a possibility, yes. He works long hours, he eats with his daughters almost every Sunday from what he said..so, basically, he only has Saturdays free. Still, I think that if he's really interested, he'll make the time. We'll see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 3, 2016 Share Posted April 3, 2016 This is a possibility, yes. He works long hours, he eats with his daughters almost every Sunday from what he said..so, basically, he only has Saturdays free. Still, I think that if he's really interested, he'll make the time. We'll see. I think if he's really interested in meeting women in person he will make the time - I don't think it's about "really interested" in you since he can't really know that about a stranger he's typing to/talking to. He can know whether he thinks you two would have enough in common to have a pleasant convo in person. That's the point to me - he has to be extremely interested in meeting potential dates in person because of his particularly complicated schedule(not just because he's a parent -whatever job that has unpredictable/weekend hours, etc.). I think if he hasn't made a plan by now more chatting is just a matter of whether you enjoy chatting with strangers and you want to spend your time that way. Nothing wrong with that -I like chatting with strangers but to me at this point it would have nothing to do with meeting a potential date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted April 3, 2016 Author Share Posted April 3, 2016 I think if he's really interested in meeting women in person he will make the time - I don't think it's about "really interested" in you since he can't really know that about a stranger he's typing to/talking to. I meant if he's really interested in meeting me. I've talked to people I was so and so about meeting and I did meet eventually..but if I didn't have enough time, I wouldn't have met them...and I've talked to people I really wanted to meet in person...that's what I meant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 3, 2016 Share Posted April 3, 2016 I meant if he's really interested in meeting me. I've talked to people I was so and so about meeting and I did meet eventually..but if I didn't have enough time, I wouldn't have met them...and I've talked to people I really wanted to meet in person...that's what I meant. Yes, I know what you wrote and I don't see how at this point a stranger would know if he's really interested in you, personally - typing/talking is not enough to go on in a potential dating context. That is why I wrote that his interest level has to be high in meeting people through a dating site- his actions are consistent with someone who is not sufficiently interested in meeting people in person but he is interested in chatting and telling himself he is "trying" to meet people. I didn't do the "meet eventually" thing when I was on the fence because from a practical level, if I was ambivalent that we'd have a pleasant convo in person, then I moved on and stopped wasting their time by chatting - if I changed my mind later I might contact the person in the future but would fully expect that he had moved on. I definitely had a range of interest based on chatting but since I was on a dating site to meet people in person ASAP it didn't matter whether my interest was high because of particular aspects or just "would be a pleasant convo in person" -- it was all the same category- either we met in person ASAP and made a plan within 1-2 phone calls or I moved on. I know that's "just me" but in my experience a person who isn't making a plan ASAP isn't generally interested in using a dating site to meet in person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted April 3, 2016 Author Share Posted April 3, 2016 Yes, I know what you wrote and I don't see how at this point a stranger would know if he's really interested in you, personally - typing/talking is not enough to go on in a potential dating context. Well, it's certainly not enough to know if you can date someone but there are people you have more things in common with...in writing, that is. I, more or less, talk to men online in the same way...but men aren't all the same.. there are always differences. If there weren't, I wouldn't have asked John to meet on the first evening we chatted. It wasn't because I had been 'fascinated' by his pictures..he was attractive but so are many others I talk to..some much more. It was because there seemed to be a connection..similar way of expressing ourselves, he got my jokes, I got his, we had many things in common, etc. etc. Other guys I've talked to have been just 'ok'...sure, in person, you often find someone is different to how he is online, but, my point is that, even in typing, you can feel a connection that makes you want to meet someone sooner rather than later...or someone you still want to meet but you're not that excited about..or someone you'd never want to meet. Truth be told, if I went by how many guys I found very interesting in typing/on the phone, I would go on very, very few dates. Maybe that's a mistake, I don't know..maybe I should only meet guys I find very interesting. Some food for thought for me there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 3, 2016 Share Posted April 3, 2016 So for me I had so many experiences that showed me that typing and talking is basically irrelevant to whether the person is a good match for dating (with looks being the least of the reason) that I knew not to get my hopes up even when I felt a connection through typing/talking (I know exactly what you are talking about) and knew that the only relevance to talking before meeting was (1) safety (including ferreting out lies about basic stuff); and (2) whether I thought we could have a pleasant conversation in person for about 45 minutes. If I encountered someone who didn't want to make a plan to meet in person ASAP I moved on right then - I found that the men who delayed meeting were either unavailable to date, not that into meeting someone in person, or too focused on "online dating" -that is, pretending to date without actually meeting the person -just flirting/chatting. Sure, I prioritized meeting the men first who I had more in common with but we're talking about a difference of a day or two, not weeks. I did make one exception -we chatted on and off for about 6 weeks before meeting -he went MIA for awhile. We ended up dating for 3 months. I did feel chemistry before we met. Most often "chemistry" through typing and talking did not translate to chemistry in person so waiting to meet with my ticking biological clock made no sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted April 3, 2016 Author Share Posted April 3, 2016 One more chat with Stan and this time he asked if I can meet him for coffee after school tomorrow...he's going to be near me on a business appointment but he'll be done by the time I'm off school. I said yes, of course, and we agreed on the time/place..and we also exchanged phone numbers in case something happens (my suggestion). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted April 3, 2016 Share Posted April 3, 2016 One more chat with Stan and this time he asked if I can meet him for coffee after school tomorrow...he's going to be near me on a business appointment but he'll be done by the time I'm off school. I said yes, of course, and we agreed on the time/place..and we also exchanged phone numbers in case something happens (my suggestion). Sounds good! Hope you have a good date! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 3, 2016 Share Posted April 3, 2016 Great- have fun! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted April 4, 2016 Author Share Posted April 4, 2016 Stan was nice in person..shorter than I expected but good looking and nice, in general. We had a good time, we laughed, we talked about many things, he bought my coffee...but I really wasn't attracted to him..I don't think he was attracted to me either. We didn't say anything about meeting again but I would meet him if he asked..he was a pleasant person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted April 4, 2016 Share Posted April 4, 2016 Short would be the killer for attraction for me. But as a friend, he might be very nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted April 5, 2016 Author Share Posted April 5, 2016 Just talked to someone new on the phone...well, talked isn't exactly right...listened to him is more like it. He talked and talked and talked...about his hometown (10 minutes), his neighbourhood (5 minutes), his job (10 minutes)..until I told him I have to go to bed...he would make a good sleeping pill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted April 5, 2016 Author Share Posted April 5, 2016 Stan messaged me on the site saying it was a pleasure meeting me but he doesn't feel we have enough in common for something more and that he thinks the same is true for me, too. I replied that he's right and wished him good luck. After meeting so many guys in person, this was the first time that someone was honest like that...not sure how I'd feel if I had liked him but, since I hadn't, I appreciated the honesty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted April 5, 2016 Author Share Posted April 5, 2016 New guy. Adrian, 51, 6ft, brown hair/eyes, nice smile, attractive, divorced with a 17yo daughter and works as a financial advisor. We talked a couple of times online and he asked when I'm free to meet. I said tomorrow will be fine and he called me to talk about the place/time. He sounded normal enough (lol) although we didn't talk much on the phone..only about the details. So, we're meeting at 7.30pm at a café, not very close to my home but it's next to the sea and one of my favourite places. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted April 5, 2016 Share Posted April 5, 2016 I like Stan's honesty. Have fun at your date with Adrian? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted April 6, 2016 Share Posted April 6, 2016 Just talked to someone new on the phone...well, talked isn't exactly right...listened to him is more like it. He talked and talked and talked...about his hometown (10 minutes), his neighbourhood (5 minutes), his job (10 minutes)..until I told him I have to go to bed...he would make a good sleeping pill. LOL...in my middle 20's I was dating a guy for quite a while, and one night he called me. He said..."talk to me, it puts me to sleep". LOL...I tell that story so often, I thought it was hilarious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted April 6, 2016 Author Share Posted April 6, 2016 I don't know what the deal with Adrian is...I found the date confusing. First of all, he looked just like his pics but he seemed very serious at first..didn't smile much and didn't seem to get my jokes. Slowly, he relaxed and smiled a few times and I liked him when he smiled. I ordered coffee and he ordered a diet coke and a huge ice cream (strange combination!) which he wanted to share with me but I only had a couple of spoonfuls...just looking at it made me feel like I was gaining weight..lol. We talked a lot..we have a similar style of communication in that we are both analytical...however, that meant that we almost had a fight..at some point, I was just about ready to leave. I'll explain. The conversation was about past relationships. When I told him that it's been years since I had had a relationship, he turned the subject to sex. Not in a crude way...it's not easy to describe in writing but he seemed to be talking about it 'academically'. In a few words, he said that people need a sex life and I could ask a doctor about it, too..that was when I almost left. I kept trying to explain to him that it's not that I don't like sex but I just didn't meet anyone I wanted to sleep with or anyone that I dated long enough to sleep with..in hindsight, I shouldn't have as it was none of his business but I got drawn into the conversation...and I'm not one to avoid conversations, in general. Anyway, eventually, things calmed down as he said I had misunderstood his doctor comment, that he didn't mean something is wrong with me but just that sex is necessary for a healthy life. He also mentioned that in his last relationship (a year ago) he had slept with the girl the first time he met her (through the net,too). I'm not sure if the discussion was because he wanted to sleep with me or to see if I would be willing to sleep with him or if he just..argued to argue..he did strike me as the kind of person who has an opinion on everything, even things that don't affect him personally (for example, he was observing everyone around us and made comments...not loudly, thankfully!). Anyway, apart from that (which was a big part of the evening), the rest of the conversation was ok...we have similar tastes in mjusic, he also likes cats and our backgrounds are rather similar. He paid the bill (very politely) and he drove me home, too. Apart from the sex conversation (which didn't annoy me as such, it just frustrated me that he didn't seem to understand what I was saying), I had a good time. The café was lovely and the music great. When we arrived home, he said he thought we communicate well (I'm not sure if that was true considering he managed to get on my nerves in the first hour!) and I thanked him for the coffee and for driving me home and I said well, you have my phone number and he said you have mine, too. I definitely won't call him and I'm not sure what I'll do if he does. Just confused about him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted April 6, 2016 Share Posted April 6, 2016 Some people love a good debate, I think he's that kind of person. Me personally hate debating with a partner over mundane non-issue issues just for the sake of it, I feel that it's too close to being an argument and can easily be taken too personally. I don't think you guys are compatible if a big part of the first date was just spent debating about a non issue and you felt frustrated (instead of enjoying it). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted April 6, 2016 Share Posted April 6, 2016 I hate debating.....feels like an argument to me also! I just don't understand why they don't just all agree with me??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted April 6, 2016 Share Posted April 6, 2016 I love to debate, it is what me and my late fiance bonded over on our first date. But it WAS NOT a debate about sex! It is the subject matter (on the first meeting?) that would have turned me completely off. I say nix this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted April 7, 2016 Share Posted April 7, 2016 that he didn't mean something is wrong with me but just that sex is necessary for a healthy life. sure, but so is eating, breathing, and getting exercise.... My ex Logan was like this sometimes - he'd just go on rants about whatever. And I'm just sitting listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted April 7, 2016 Author Share Posted April 7, 2016 Adrian called and we managed to argue once more. This time it was because we were talking about movies and he said he was thinking of inviting me to his place to watch a movie this weekend. I said that I hardly know him and I don't feel comfortable enough to go to his house. He asked what I'm afraid of and 'do you think I'm going to rape you or what' and stuff like that. I said that I don't know what someone who I hardly know may or may not do and he said that he knows what someone is like the first time he meets them. I said, well, I'm not like that..I've often met people who seemed nice and it turned out they weren't...and, anyway..I ended the argument by saying I have to go. I don't think I'll give this one any more chances. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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