missmarple Posted February 23, 2016 Author Share Posted February 23, 2016 New guy. Nick, 46, single, no kids, has a taxi, lives relatively close to me, 6'2, dark hair/green eyes, attractive. We talked on the site for about 20 mins, he was nice and seemed interesting...and we said we'll talk again. He mentioned a nice bar-restaurant that I've wanted to visit for some time, so, maybe next time he asks me to go together...he's new on the site and a bit shy..although he's a Leo..lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeeCee Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 I think I would just go with the flow too Miss M. I don't know how to explain this well, but when people are long-term dating online, they seem to become very much about interviewer/interviewee. Other people are judged against a long list of criteria and if they don't match up, they are struck off quickly and ruthlessly. That's absolutely fine, but it does take the romance out of it. I think you need to start going on a few dates with the same guy, it might or might not go anywhere, but it gets you out of that endless loop of first dates and more into dating. I'm not phrasing this right, I know. I met my partner online dating three years ago and I had an absolute blast when I was dating online. The thing that was offputting was meeting guys who had been online dating a long time - they were almost too business like, and almost too about the checklist. I get that they were valuing themselves etc and avoiding timewasting, but dating is meant to be fun and not angst. It wasn't my job to make them better people or not but it was lovely to meet up with guys and have fun and a giggle. Anyway, fingers crossed that you have a lovely time with this guy today Having read this journal from the very beginning, I couldn't agree more with this advice... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 23, 2016 Author Share Posted February 23, 2016 Having read this journal from the very beginning, I couldn't agree more with this advice... That advice was 'to start going on a few dates with the same guy'..great advice..except there's no same guy asking me to 'go on a few dates with him'..lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 28, 2016 Author Share Posted February 28, 2016 Nick, the taxi-driver, asked me out for next Saturday...a bit early but makes sense as he works on weekdays. I said ok and we didn't agree on time or place (he said he can come anywhere I tell him). I imagine we'll talk about it when it's nearer to Saturday...we talk almost daily on the site. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 Is there a reason you didn't choose to confirm the time you're meeting? I thought you'd run into annoying situations in the past where you were waiting around to get a confirmed plan. What will you do if you have a chance to go out Sat. night - tell him that you only can meet during the day, etc? Did you think it was too early to plan to meet in person? I know a lot of people are fine being this open/flexible, just remembering recent situations where you had stress around unconfirmed plans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 28, 2016 Author Share Posted February 28, 2016 I just didn't want to suggest something first. After what happened with John, I don't want to take any initiative. If I get a better offer at any time and he hasn't confirmed the time yet, I'm accepting the other offer and that's that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 Hmm. You're just meeting a stranger from the internet who asked to meet you -so for practical purposes, don't you want to know at least the time so you can make other plans? Seems kind of rude to me to tell him later on "well you didn't tell me what time so I made other plans" or if not rude at least questionable. What initiative? He took the initiative in asking to meet you in person (not that initiative really is relevant -he didn't ask you out on a date) so you're just asking for the details of him asking. John is one individual who showed you who he was early on and you chose to give him more chances - so now it's affecting you more than if you had written him off after his first unreliable behavior. That's a risk of giving more chances -and the benefits are that it might have been a one time unreliability - I get it (I understand that you wanted to see if he'd redeem himself) -but please don't take the path of "I won't even ask what time to meet because that is taking initiative". Or why not tell him "sounds good - when you know what time you would like to meet let me know and I'll do my best to keep Saturday fairly open for the next day or so". That way he knows you consider it a tentative plan and you can plan far in advance with your other friends/activities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 28, 2016 Author Share Posted February 28, 2016 please don't take the path of "I won't even ask what time to meet because that is taking initiative". If someone really wants to see me, he will ask himself what time we should meet and where we should go. If someone doesn't really care about meeting me, he will just vaguely say 'let's meet next Saturday'..and leave it at that. Exactly what this guy did...and I've had enough of such guys. So, if I'm free when he decides to confirm time and place, I'll meet him. If not, too bad. In other news, I just talked to a new guy on the phone. David, 57, 5'9, brown hair/eyes, an attractive journalist, divorced for many yrs with 2 grown up daughters (19/29). A very interesting guy..we talked for about half an hour, found out we have many things in common (also a smoker, loves animals, same sense of humour, wants a serious relationship, his last one was 5 yrs ago) and he asked me to meet this afternoon...unfortunately, I already have plans but I told him when I'm free again and he said he'll let me know when we can meet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 28, 2016 Author Share Posted February 28, 2016 Or why not tell him "sounds good - when you know what time you would like to meet let me know and I'll do my best to keep Saturday fairly open for the next day or so". I did tell him that I need to know a couple of days in advance...and he said sure, we'll talk...so, I imagine he meant we'll talk on the site. The guy hasn't even asked for my phone number. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 I did tell him that I need to know a couple of days in advance...and he said sure, we'll talk...so, I imagine he meant we'll talk on the site. The guy hasn't even asked for my phone number. OK -so now you know he didn't ask to meet you -he made a tentative plan to meet you in person and he knows you will treat it tentatively. I didn't understand that from the way you wrote it the first time -sounded like an actual plan. I completely agree that you shouldn't hold back on making any plans you feel like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
einsteins_girl Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 Did you never hear from John again after he cancelled? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 28, 2016 Author Share Posted February 28, 2016 Did you never hear from John again after he cancelled? Nope. Not a word. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
einsteins_girl Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 Wow. Just wow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 I think the most frustrating thing about John and some of the other guys that disappeared on you is that they act so into you in person and feeding you nice words like "how could you think I didn't want to meet with you", and then poof. I really don't get why they do that, I would feel misled. If they appeared neutral or only mildly interested at the first meet, at least I could expect they might not ask me out on another date, and that has been most of my experience where the guy didn't asked me out again (and most of the time I didn't feel we hit it off on the first meet anyway), so I'm puzzled by the amount of guys you've encountered that have this misleading behaviour. In my OLD memories, there was only one guy with whom I really hit it off, and thought he'd ask me out again. I waited for a few days, and he ended up saying something along the lines of, it would've been nice to hang out this weekend if it wasn't for my friends visiting from [insert city name]", I knew right then he wouldn't ask me out again lol..but even then, he didn't say nice words on the first date or in any way indicate he's overly interested, so at least I didn't get my hopes up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 28, 2016 Author Share Posted February 28, 2016 I think the most frustrating thing about John and some of the other guys that disappeared on you is that they act so into you in person and feeding you nice words like "how could you think I didn't want to meet with you", and then poof. I really don't get why they do that, I would feel misled. I do feel misled...and, although I've had it happen before, the story with John was the strangest one so far. Because, even though I got back in touch after the 'misunderstanding' (misunderstanding according to him, that is), he was the one who kept the communication going and he was the one who asked for the second date..or our first 'proper' date...and the next one, too (the one he cancelled). So, no idea what happened there. However, I much prefer his disappearance to not knowing what's going on...at least now I can say he's not interested and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 In terms of initiating a first meet, I know the experience with John and some of the others was disheartening, but I encourage you to still initiate first meets IF you are interested in the guy. If you're just lukewarm about him, then fair enough, why bother. Many of my first meets, including with J and my ex C, were initiated by me after several days or even a week or two of messaging. I recognise that people have different timelines for first meets, they may also be thinking you as the woman might want to chat for longer to get to know him before meeting (for safety reasons), they may not hold the same mentality of meet ASAP so you're both not wasting time, or of course it could also be they're not that interested at the start. I also recognise the limitation of how much an online profile, messaging and even talking on the phone can really portrait who I really am, no matter who good they may be. So to me, the reason of why they do or don't initiate first meet isn't that important and I didn't even waste brain cells thinking about it. My only concern was, am I interested in this guy and think there could be attraction & LTR potential in real life (based purely on photos, profile and interaction so far)? If the answer is yes, and he hasn't asked yet, I will, then I'll find out either way whether he wants to meet or not, so I'm not wasting time talking to someone who never intended to meet in person. I also ensure we set a day and time right away (specific place to meet could be determined closer to the day if we couldn't agree on somewhere right away), so that I know it's set in stone, so there can be no misunderstanding of whether you're keeping your calendars open or not, and here's the most important part, you'd both have to actually tell the other person you want to cancel if you change your mind or have something else come up (or you could be a jerk and stand them up lol, but most people wouldn't from my experience). If it's a tentative date, neither of you is obligated to keep the day and time free, nor obligated to tell the other if you don't want to meet anymore. I mean, it's a misunderstanding waiting to happen. It's just a lot cleaner to me to set it right now. Personally I really hate the let's tentatively set this day and touch base later thing. That's fine if it's someone you've known for a while, not for a stranger. Then after the first meet, that's when I go completely hands off and leave it to the guy to ask me out on a second (or first real) date, because he's seen me in person, we would've had a decent talk / interaction, he'd seen this is who I am in real life, and I almost always bring my A game on the first meet (look nice, engaging, smiling, charming), so if he's not interested enough to ask me out after that, I know for sure they are not interested and I'd move on. I think even in John's case, where you did initiate the first meet, I don't think you did anything wrong (by you) and I wouldn't read anything into that, it's the fact that after the first meet, he never set a real date and you had to initiate again that really indicated to me that he's not that interested. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 28, 2016 Share Posted February 28, 2016 I think Notalady's approach and analysis is spot on. (And yes I am biased because it's exactly how I approached it and it worked very well for me as far as efficiency and less stress/aggravation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie2006 Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 I do feel misled...and, although I've had it happen before, the story with John was the strangest one so far. Because, even though I got back in touch after the 'misunderstanding' (misunderstanding according to him, that is), he was the one who kept the communication going and he was the one who asked for the second date..or our first 'proper' date...and the next one, too (the one he cancelled). So, no idea what happened there. However, I much prefer his disappearance to not knowing what's going on...at least now I can say he's not interested and move on. Miss M, I understand how you may feel misled and burnt out from the whole experience! I think some people are just that clueless and self-involved that they do not fully understand how their actions may impact other people's feelings. To me, John seems like a guy who *wants* to think of himself as easy-going and spontaneous, when in fact he really is being inconsiderate of other people's schedules. I think there are people who are ok with such an unstructured (?) approach to dating but if you aren't, then I also think it's a good thing that John showed his true colors in the beginning. To commiserate, I once had a guy who didn't contact me for 4 months after about meeting regularly for about a month! Stupid me gave him a chance when he came around again, only to hear from him a month later that he didn't know what he wanted. I don't think he was a bad guy. I think he really didn't know what he wanted. Maybe I should have been smarter and declined to go out with him again the second time around. Maybe he should have been more considerate and figured out what he wanted before he contacted me again. In the end, we were just two people who weren't compatible, I suppose. I had another guy who was very insistent about meeting right away, before he went on a business trip. I was busy and couldn't meet him at the time he suggested so we agreed to meet when he came back. He also didn't call for about 4~5 months. And when he did call, he was as equally adamant about meeting right away. I was so surprised by his rudeness. As if he were giving me a chance to meet him! As if I waited all those months, waiting for him to call. Ha! I said heck no and (and I know this is silly but) I felt very vindicated Don't let the likes of John get you down on dating! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 29, 2016 Author Share Posted February 29, 2016 I decided I'm not going to meet Nick, after all. Last night, he messaged me again on the site and this time he wasn't just lukewarm, he was worse..it was like pulling teeth to talk to him. Plus he wrote one word every 5 minutes and in the end stopped talking to me completely...and no mention of our meeting or anything. I deleted him and I felt much better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 That sounds like the right decision about Nick. No point in meeting or in waiting to see if he'll make an actual plan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 Hi - chiming in here without fully understanding the john story! I think it's ok and great to initiate first meets. I guess you never know unless you try. I know a couple who lives in my building, she asked him on a date over okcupid and she approached him on that site too. they're living together and will probably be engaged soon. i think it's good to take a chance and see how it goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 Hi - chiming in here without fully understanding the john story! I think it's ok and great to initiate first meets. I guess you never know unless you try. I know a couple who lives in my building, she asked him on a date over okcupid and she approached him on that site too. they're living together and will probably be engaged soon. i think it's good to take a chance and see how it goes. I just don't see how asking for a first meet has anything to do with gender or asking someone out on a date. Just like writing to someone on a dating site has nothing to do with initiating in dating. No one who is interacting in that way is asking someone on a date. I do think refusing to be "first" in those situations just means more wasted time chatting with someone and passively waiting to see if the person wants a chat buddy or is on the dating site to meet people in real life. Of course you can prevent wasted time by having a time limit on communicating and moving on if no meeting is planned. I did that in a way -I would suggest a meeting but if the answer was vague I would stop communicating until the person responded to my suggestion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 29, 2016 Author Share Posted February 29, 2016 It's been my experience that every time I ask someone out first (first meeting, first date, call it whatever you want), they always turn out to be the sort of guys who don't take initiative in general...and I don't want someone like that. I realise that others have had different experiences but I can't change what I've had happen to me. The story with John just added to that experience...but it's certainly not the main reason why I prefer the guy to ask first. As for wasting time chatting, etc, I don't really..90% of the guys do ask first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 29, 2016 Share Posted February 29, 2016 It's been my experience that every time I ask someone out first (first meeting, first date, call it whatever you want), they always turn out to be the sort of guys who don't take initiative in general...and I don't want someone like that. I realise that others have had different experiences but I can't change what I've had happen to me. The story with John just added to that experience...but it's certainly not the main reason why I prefer the guy to ask first. As for wasting time chatting, etc, I don't really..90% of the guys do ask first. Yes for me too, in general, when I asked men out on dates (either they weren't the type to take initiative or they just were not that into me). I suggested first meets to strangers on the internet but they were never taken as my asking the man out on a date. Because I wasn't and it wasn't. Most men asked to meet me so I had the same experience. There's nothing wrong with your approach -I just disagree with the reasons why and the analogy to dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 29, 2016 Author Share Posted February 29, 2016 David, the journalist, sent me a couple of emotes on the site (I imagine he was busy at work and couldn't chat) and he called me later...just as I was entering the gym. He was still at work (I have his work number and he's given me his cell number, too) and we talked for 5-10 mins..before treadmill..lol. Nice and pleasant. Didn't mention meeting again. Maybe next time. Although he seems to be working such long hours that I don't know if he has the time to date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.