SophieGrace Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 This is the first time I logged in and actually thought, "I hope MM posted how her date went!" While I am not currently on line dating, I can relate to all your stories - the good and the bad - and I am excited for you that you had a good second date. My advice (not that you asked) is to do your best to give the guy the benefit of the doubt here and try not to ruminate on the incident around the missed text (and your making the effort to get together that time). Let it go. I truly understand acting with caution, I do; you want to protect yourself just in case he flakes, and you are trying to be pragmatic. But I also think it's a good thing to allow yourself to feel excited and hopeful. Positive energy attracts like and all that. Whatever you choose to do, know that I am excited for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 I agree Sophie...positive energy attracts like! I also believe in excited and hopeful! I'd much rather date a person like that! But maybe that's just me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 He texted me at 10pm asking how I'm doing. I replied I'm fine and how are you, he said 'not too bad'. I don't think I can add anything to that..lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 He texted me at 10pm asking how I'm doing. I replied I'm fine and how are you, he said 'not too bad'. I don't think I can add anything to that..lol Sounds good. I'm a fan of head in the clouds and feet on the ground -you have been on one real date with him - he's shown some good qualities and somewhat questionable ones - so, one date at a time. Sure, it's fun to be excited and I think you can balance that with feet on the ground. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 He texted good morning, as usual. Busy at work blah blah. I replied but, to be honest, the more he texts with no specific plans for a next date, the more my interest wanes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 He texted good morning, as usual. Busy at work blah blah. I replied but, to be honest, the more he texts with no specific plans for a next date, the more my interest wanes Agree. As you will be dropping him shortly, maybe you send a warning shot. Something like, I am interested in more in person communication and less texting. Are you available for that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 Agree. As you will be dropping him shortly, maybe you send a warning shot. Something like, I am interested in more in person communication and less texting. Are you available for that? I've already told him that, ITIC. It was exactly that conversation that had led to the argument the first time around. I had said something like 'I'm interested in meeting in person, not chat on the phone or online for hours and I think you're more interested in chatting than meeting' blah blah. That's why, this time, his first message to me (after I had contacted him first a couple of days before) was 'don't say that I just want to talk but I'm at work and wanted to say good afternoon' etc. So, what's the point in repeating the same thing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SophieGrace Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 He texted good morning, as usual. Busy at work blah blah. I replied but, to be honest, the more he texts with no specific plans for a next date, the more my interest wanes I would feel the same way. There is something called "momentum", and sometimes the other person just doesn't seem to grasp that which can be so frustrating. That said, it's only Wednesday and he may be busy at work. I know I get really caught up at work sometimes and social planning falls by the wayside until the weekend is right on top of me. I know that's not how you operate, and maybe you don't want to be with someone like that but it does happen and doesn't have anything to do with interest in the other person. Curious what will you do if he doesn't suggest a date soon? Will you just do a slow fade or will you send him a text akin to the last one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 I would feel the same way. There is something called "momentum", and sometimes the other person just doesn't seem to grasp that which can be so frustrating. That said, it's only Wednesday and he may be busy at work. I know I get really caught up at work sometimes and social planning falls by the wayside until the weekend is right on top of me. I know that's not how you operate, and maybe you don't want to be with someone like that but it does happen and doesn't have anything to do with interest in the other person. Curious what will you do if he doesn't suggest a date soon? Will you just do a slow fade or will you send him a text akin to the last one? That's what a friend of mine says, too (the first part of your post). She says it's either that or he's not that interested. Anyway, about your question, I'm not sure right now. I can be impulsive, so, I could 'give' him a few more days (say, until next Monday, a week after our date) or I could start replying less and less to his texts or I could just feel I've had enough and stop replying to him altogether...IF he keeps contacting me, that is! What I definitely won't do is send something similar to last time...things like that are said once...and the other person either cares enough to remember them or he doesn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 That's what a friend of mine says, too (the first part of your post). She says it's either that or he's not that interested. Anyway, about your question, I'm not sure right now. I can be impulsive, so, I could 'give' him a few more days (say, until next Monday, a week after our date) or I could start replying less and less to his texts or I could just feel I've had enough and stop replying to him altogether...IF he keeps contacting me, that is! What I definitely won't do is send something similar to last time...things like that are said once...and the other person either cares enough to remember them or he doesn't. I would fade, shorter answers and slower response times or non responses as appropriate. Let him have a few days to figure it out. Eventually, you just don't bother or he actually asks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveSoDeep Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 I've already told him that, ITIC. It was exactly that conversation that had led to the argument the first time around. I had said something like 'I'm interested in meeting in person, not chat on the phone or online for hours and I think you're more interested in chatting than meeting' blah blah. That's why, this time, his first message to me (after I had contacted him first a couple of days before) was 'don't say that I just want to talk but I'm at work and wanted to say good afternoon' etc. So, what's the point in repeating the same thing? What if he wants both? What if he wants to text and have idle chit chat as an ongoing thing and dates as well? Are you just not interested in texting in between in person meetings? It's totally fine if that's what you prefer....but I can't tell if you've made that clear. You said you wanted to meet...he obliged....maybe he just isn't clear on your "in the meantime" communication preferences. I don't think you'd be in the wrong to fill him in on that by telling him you'd like to see him again and not to take it as lack of interest, but you're not much for lots of texting back and forth each day....you enjoy phone calls at whatever interval (daily? a few times a week? whatever) and the good morning texts and the like. However, idle chit chat about your day via text maybe isn't your thing....and that's ok. Or you just aren't as available because of work...I know you can't really check your phone all day in your line of work....he's going to need to understand that as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 He texted good morning, as usual. Busy at work blah blah. I replied but, to be honest, the more he texts with no specific plans for a next date, the more my interest wanes And that shows clearly that you are a person with healthy self-esteem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 What if he wants both? What if he wants to text and have idle chit chat as an ongoing thing and dates as well? Are you just not interested in texting in between in person meetings? It's totally fine if that's what you prefer....but I can't tell if you've made that clear. You said you wanted to meet...he obliged....maybe he just isn't clear on your "in the meantime" communication preferences. I don't think you'd be in the wrong to fill him in on that by telling him you'd like to see him again and not to take it as lack of interest, but you're not much for lots of texting back and forth each day....you enjoy phone calls at whatever interval (daily? a few times a week? whatever) and the good morning texts and the like. However, idle chit chat about your day via text maybe isn't your thing....and that's ok. Or you just aren't as available because of work...I know you can't really check your phone all day in your line of work....he's going to need to understand that as well. But he doesn't ask her out... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 That's what a friend of mine says, too (the first part of your post). She says it's either that or he's not that interested. Anyway, about your question, I'm not sure right now. I can be impulsive, so, I could 'give' him a few more days (say, until next Monday, a week after our date) or I could start replying less and less to his texts or I could just feel I've had enough and stop replying to him altogether...IF he keeps contacting me, that is! What I definitely won't do is send something similar to last time...things like that are said once...and the other person either cares enough to remember them or he doesn't. He doesn't need to remember anything. He just has to feel motivated to see you, think you are special enough that he'd better step up to the plate, and implement. I think between date chatting is fine ..... if you have a date planned - but in the early days, if you don't then you're left with two alternatives (1) he just wants a flirty text buddy (and -good for you- he doesn't get that from you) or (2) he can't be bothered to make plans because he assumes you're going to jump at the chance or he's not that into you. I don't buy the "I'm not the type to make advance plans". This isn't just about social plans -it's about the opportunity to get to know an interesting and special person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveSoDeep Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 But he doesn't ask her out... Well he does...just not on the time schedule MM would like. He has asked her out twice now, maybe that's just the pace he's comfortable with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Well he does...just not on the time schedule MM would like. He has asked her out twice now, maybe that's just the pace he's comfortable with. Well, once- unless you count the miscommunicated text. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveSoDeep Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Well, once- unless you count the miscommunicated text. Oh, I thought they had been on 2 dates....Maybe I miscounted somewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Oh, I thought they had been on 2 dates....Maybe I miscounted somewhere. I don't count the first meet as a date - and I think she was the one who suggested the first meet (which is great). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveSoDeep Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 I don't count the first meet as a date - and I think she was the one who suggested the first meet (which is great). Oh, right! I agree....but then he was traveling for work and although he was a bit flaky about making solid plan upon his return he did finally make them. I feel like that might be his MO. When I know a guy is very busy I can work with that kind of scheduling or lack of because I'm a very spontaneous person myself but not everyone is okay with it. MM if you really like him otherwise, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him clearly your preferences as far as communication and date cadence. If he can accommodate and wants to see you he will. If he can't or doesn't really care that much he won't...but if you just start fading now, you'll never know if he cared enough to make that accommodation for you. That's how I see it. FWIW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 I will never understand why this guy's MO is considered a positive form of "spontaneity". To me, positive spontaneity is deciding to change a type of activity at the last minute because you hear of some neat outdoor concert, or you get this sudden urge to ice skate, swing dance, or have hot chocolate with marshmallows instead of going to the movies. Spontaneity which means that you don't make plans with a new special person in your life -and stay silent on it (rather than "I really want to see you again but I'm not the best at making advance plans -can you work with me on that?") - to me that's not a thoughtful way to treat people -it might be "spontaneous" but it's also self-absorbed. When I dated I refused to educate grown men -most of whom were very successfully employed -how to treat a woman they are trying to get to know. Not basic education anyway. Sure, if I hated talking at a certain time of day I would tell him that so that he would understand why I wasn't enthusiastically answering the phone at 11pm - but that he should, especially in the beginning, ask me out on a date he planned in advance? No thanks. If it wasn't obvious at that basic level he wasn't a good match for me. Maybe it's different for MM. When I was 23 I met a 22 year old new college grad through a mutual friend. We all went out dancing. He walked me to my door at the end of the night and said "look I've been away at college and we really didn't go out on dates - can you teach me?" He was only half-joking. He was a quick learner and when he wasn't, he realized that 10 days had passed and he hadn't gotten to see me. We dated for a few years. It's all about motivation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 A man will ask, if he is both clear he wants to see you and sure he can manage his schedule. Sometimes only one of those two criteria is in place, in which case it's okay to let him go. If he asked once and was rebuffed for ANY reason, or if he has already asked once or twice in a row, then he may/will wait for her to ask. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 My problem isn't that he texts. I don't mind texting. It's that he doesn't ask me out. First meeting - my suggestion. First date - my suggestion...he cancelled, I tried a different day, he didn't even acknowledge my question (except the message he had supposedly sent). Second date - he asked for it...after I contacted him first, a week after we had had that argument...and 10 days after my message to him (3 of which he was abroad, ok). And now, 2 days after the second date, Wednesday night and no mention of a next date. Just good morning and good night texts. 2 days isn't that long...it's just that I've known this guy for 3 weeks (a month if we also count the week we didn't talk), he lives 10 mins away, doesn't work on the weekends, doesn't have kids, has said what a great time he has with me, how beautiful I am, blah blah blah..and he's only asked me out once. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quidam Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Honestly maybe he wants to play the independent card to have him on your mind constantly... It seems to be working really well. My advice be impulsive takes things in hand and tell him exactly what you told us... Force the hand worst case its gonna come out in burst of romance! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 He texted good evening and how are you and stuff. I replied I'm ok, tired from the gym, how are you. He said he came home early from work and he's gotten some rest and he was just thinking about me. I asked what he was thinking. He said he was wondering where I was and how I was and etc..and asked if I want to know 'the etc' too. I said 'I'd rather you tell me in person because I'm very tired right now'. And he goes 'ok, I'll tell you in person...good night'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 You gave the perfect response. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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