Online Dating - A Woman's Journal

[missmarple]

Just one observation MM. His texts sound fun, endearing, flirty. Yours sound....ummm...logical. Ok....let me know when you come back. Do you ever respond flirty back...like I'd much rather be sitting with you having coffee too! Those kinds of txts?

 

Well, I'm not very flirty in text, in general. Even more so with someone who I've only met once...almost 2 weeks ago...and in those 2 weeks, one of them we didn't even talk! He knows very well I want to see him again..after all, I was the one who got in touch after the 'incident'...and the reason of the incident was exactly because I felt like he didn't want to see me again.

If he expects more from me at this point (when, again, there's no time/place for a second date and just texts flying around), he's going to be disappointed

[Batya33]

I agree MM - once you are actually dating him, regularly, I'm sure you'll be friendly, even flirty, in person and feel more comfortable on the phone/text. Right now the ball is in his court and he needs to show that he can step up to the plate, make an actual plan ,show up for the plan. Not from a negative perspective but you haven't even been on a real date yet/

[LoveSoDeep]

Well, I'm not very flirty in text, in general. Even more so with someone who I've only met once...almost 2 weeks ago...and in those 2 weeks, one of them we didn't even talk! He knows very well I want to see him again..after all, I was the one who got in touch after the 'incident'...and the reason of the incident was exactly because I felt like he didn't want to see me again.

If he expects more from me at this point (when, again, there's no time/place for a second date and just texts flying around), he's going to be disappointed

 

I'm the same way! It puts me off when a guy expects me to be all "Hey there, sexy!" in my texts or in person when we just met. I don't understand why some people want or expect this amount of mirroring in behavior so early on...and also why they want it in general. I like when there are slight differences and nuances to learn and enjoy....I don't want to date myself for heaven's sake!

 

Anyway I think you're right to just be yourself and if that's not what he needs/wants then at lest you'll both know up front. Although he doesn't seem to question your communication style so he must enjoy it or at least not mind it. I hope he does make it back and you have a fabulous date this weekend! It does sound like he is genuinely looking forward to seeing you again, that has to be a nice feeling - enjoy it!

[Realitynut]

LOL...was not expecting Miss M to be so flirty early on....just wondering since HE was, if she responded in kind! Or if she was answering 'playful' back at all! I figure that MM isn't giving us blow by blow details of every word...so just wondered.

 

Everyone's personality is different. I have a feeling that MM likes John because he IS saying things like...I'd rather be drinking coffee with you. Ya know....personal type things. Now he just has to follow those words up with actions! No sense in being all talk and no action.

 

Now MM....aren't you glad you sent that 'drunken' txt? (I know...only 2 drinks...I'm joking..but it did relax your guard a bit!)

 

Now I didn't mean for everyone to get defensive...I don't expect MM to be sending poetry anytime soon!

[missmarple]

I have a feeling that MM likes John because he IS saying things like...I'd rather be drinking coffee with you. Ya know....personal type things. Now he just has to follow those words up with actions! No sense in being all talk and no action.

Now MM....aren't you glad you sent that 'drunken' txt? (I know...only 2 drinks...I'm joking..but it did relax your guard a bit!)

 

To be honest, regarding your first question, not really. I've liked him from our first online chat because our personalities seemed to be very compatible, even in writing..and we were still compatible in person. The things I like about him (from the little I've seen, that is) are how smart he seems to be, his sense of humour and his communication style..the 'would rather be with you' stuff he didn't say the first time...those things after what had happened between us scare me rather than please me.

 

Anyway, he texted early in the morning to tell me he's coming back midnight (I did check and there is a flight at that time but that means nothing...he's smart enough to have checked himself before telling me), to wish me a beautiful day and send me kisses. I responded wishing him a safe trip back and a beautiful day as well. Do I believe he's flying that late? Yes and no...I'm leaning more towards no but, just like other things about him, there's no proof, so, nothing I can do. If he asks to meet tomorrow, we will...even if he asks tomorrow morning. I need a second date with him because, this time, I'll be watching what he says and does much more closely than the first time.

 

Regarding your second question, yes, I'm glad I sent that text..even if nothing comes out of it, at least, I'll know I've tried...and, being the best first date I've had in....ummmm...3 years or so, I think it's worth it.

[Batya33]

I don't blame you for wondering. If he knows his flight time he should have already made a plan to see you -even if it is not Sunday (in case he is delayed/tired ,etc). He's commented enough on wanting to see you that I don't think you'll give the wrong impression by accepting a last minute date Sunday.

 

I feel exactly the same way about flirting over text with someone you've only met once in person.

 

I think it's positive for you to see that it might be good to relax your standards since you are willing to put up with his earlier flakiness, and with other men they've been less flaky and yet you've been almost ready to write them off or had a very negative attitude making it so much harder for the guy to have a chance with you.

 

I did what you're doing once - he wasn't "as" flaky but he basically went MIA so we didn't actually meet until 6 weeks after we first were in touch, and I broke my rule about messaging too much before the date, etc. I didn't like how he went MIA (but we didn't have a plan to meet). On the first meet chemistry was through the roof and it continued that way for almost 3 months. The reason it ended was because I started to sense he was not that into me plus he showed me a very scary side of him, acknowledged it, and said he was done getting therapy for it. No way could I see a future at that point so I ended it (although again I suspect he didn't see a future either).

 

If you can relax your standards for chemistry (as you did with that other guy too - Pedro?) then you might want to test doing the same for a guy you're slightly on the fence about or without that strong chemistry from the starting gate to give a totally honest/positive shot to seeing if chemistry can develop with someone who made some mistakes in how/when he called you (or didn't).

[missmarple]

If you can relax your standards for chemistry (as you did with that other guy too - Pedro?) then you might want to test doing the same for a guy you're slightly on the fence about or without that strong chemistry from the starting gate to give a totally honest/positive shot to seeing if chemistry can develop with someone who made some mistakes in how/when he called you (or didn't).

 

I've already done that, Batya. When I'm 'slightly' on the fence, I give the guy a chance. Also, strong chemistry has never been one of my standards..or I wouldn't have even gone on a second date with most of the guys I have.

 

The thing is that the guys I've turned down either had a serious problem (serious for me) like the guy who got drunk or I just didn't like at all or I hated their personality. The last guy I thought was really nice was last summer, a guy I had gone on 3 dates with but I just couldn't feel attracted to him.

 

If someone acts flaky (once!) and I like his personality and there is chemistry between us, I give them a chance. If someone acts flaky and, at the same time, I'm so and so about him, I don't see why I should. Also, keep in mind that both Pedro and John were great in keeping in touch..i.e texting/calling before the first meeting. If they hadn't, I wouldn't have met either.

[Batya33]

I was referring to how Pedro behaved after you met - not before.

 

What I'm pointing out is, since you see that you put up with flakiness for chemistry to the extent that you're willing to text with John even though he still hasn't chosen a time/place to meet you, then try to tell yourself not to put someone in the dog house -or even have a negative view -for not texting Happy New Year or forgetting your work schedule. Obviously you don't write guys off for that -I'm making the point that being as negative as you are about those kinds of transgressions sets things up for a downward spiral where had you been more positive -or at least 100% neutral, it might have more of a chance. Perhaps subtle but I see how this plays out in real life.

 

Also there is flaky and flaky - what John did was far more flaky than someone forgetting your work schedule and calling, yes?

 

I hope he sets up a date soon.

[missmarple]

Also there is flaky and flaky - what John did was far more flaky than someone forgetting your work schedule and calling, yes?.

 

Had John forgotten I'm a teacher and what time I expected him to call, I wouldn't have gone on the first meeting with him.

 

Also, had I already been on a first meeting with a guy who, later, forgot one of those details, but whom I liked, I would have also 'forgiven' him. But not when someone does it before we've even met...for me, it doesn't get much worse than that when I haven't met someone in person.

[Batya33]

Had John forgotten I'm a teacher and what time I expected him to call, I wouldn't have gone on the first meeting with him.

 

Also, had I already been on a first meeting with a guy who, later, forgot one of those details, but whom I liked, I would have also 'forgiven' him. But not when someone does it before we've even met...for me, it doesn't get much worse than that when I haven't met someone in person.

 

I see - so your standard is that if a stranger who is meeting lots of women through a dating site calls at the wrong time because he forgot your work schedule then to you that means that he will not show up on time/be reliable if you actually make a plan to meet? Seems like a big leap.

 

I totally (on a personal level) don't see that correlation. Of course if someone makes a plan to meet and then flakes for a non-emergency reason that's indicative of their reliability in making plans. We all have different standards. So, it's ok with you that John flaked after your first meet about actually taking you on a first date but not ok if he had forgotten what time to call you to schedule a first meet? Is the distinction that if the guy is cute and you're attracted to him on the first meet it's ok if he behaves unreliably once but before you know if you're attracted he'd better remember your work schedule and not leave a message "calling to set up a first meet -I guess you're not available?"

[missmarple]

My standard is what it is and, frankly, I'm tired of explaining it to you again and again.

[Batya33]

My standard is what it is and, frankly, I'm tired of explaining it to you again and again.

 

Of course. I didn't find the way you type your explanation clear because it seems inconsistent unless it's interpreted this way- "if he's cute and I'm attracted to him I relax my standards". I know you're explaining it to seem consistent without that condition - but either I'm not intelligent enough to understand or perhaps you're trying to rationalize a bit - which we all do from time to time. If it's the former I apologize -no need to keep explaining.

 

As I wrote, it's your journal, your standards -was simply suggesting that you look at your application of your standards in a way that would increase your opportunities to meet people. You don't see it that way. That's cool - it's your choice to increase/limit your opportunities as you please.

[missmarple]

Batya, I give a chance to everyone who seems nice enough, is close to my age, single or divorced and I feel like we could have something. I turn down guys who I'm either not attracted to or when we talk on the phone, I feel like we're not a good match..and I sometimes meet some of those, too...like I did with Simon (funeral guy).

I don't have strict standards (apart from age/marital status/not being scared by their pics/being normal on the phone) but I have to draw the line somewhere or I'd go on 5 dates a day.

You're just stuck on things that happened a year or years ago (like the guy who hadn't called when he said he would etc etc) and you keep coming back to them when, in reality, it's been AGES since those incidents happened.

 

Yes, I consider it important for someone I talk to and who wants to meet me in person to remember I'm a teacher. Yes, I consider it important to remember when I tell them 'call me at 7'...because I always pay attention when someone talks to me..and both Pedro and John seemed to want to get to know me and remembered every detail I told them...and the same was true for 99% of guys I've talked to and who I've met in person. I have no idea why you keep insisting on the 1% who forgot what I do or when they can call and why you keep coming back to it.

[Batya33]

That's great that you've reevaluated your former standards -I wasn't aware, sorry!

 

I too would expect someone to call when they say they would. It would be entirely off my radar, however, if he called when I wasn't home and left a message, obviously forgetting that I had told him I wouldn't be home then, as long as he did call when he promised to (barring an emergency). But seriously that's just me.

 

Perhaps consider that it's more important that he remember every detail and show that he wants to get to know you once he has actually met you -assuming he shows up for the first meet on time, etc? Why all the talking beforehand - you have limited time -meaning you work hard, have activities and a social life -why chat up strangers and see if they remember the details since you might meet and in person it's a dud? Isn't your time worth so much more than that?

 

I am happy for you that you have a spark with John. I hope he follows up soon and shows you that he doesn't want to lose the opportunity to get to know you. Enough of this vague flirty stuff - hopefully he'll step up to the plate.

[missmarple]

That's great that you've reevaluated your former standards -I wasn't aware, sorry

 

I haven't. I just said that in 99% of the cases I don't need them...because the vast majority of men I talk to remember very well that I'm a teacher and what time I've asked them to call me...and, so, it's pointless talking about the 1%.

[Batya33]

I haven't. I just said that in 99% of the cases I don't need them...because the vast majority of men I talk to remember very well that I'm a teacher and what time I've asked them to call me...and, so, it's pointless talking about the 1%.

 

Oh - I was talking in general- that was just an example. Anyway, hope you have fun seeing John!

[missmarple]

John texted me saying good evening and he hopes I'm having fun, whatever I'm doing. No mention of flying or meeting tomorrow. Oh well, I texted back with good evening and have a good trip.

 

Meanwhile, I talked to a new guy online and he's going to call me in a few minutes. Chris, 54, 5'9, light brown hair/green eyes, athletic, good looking, a teacher, divorced with 2 grown up kids and lives close to me. On the surface, we must have a lot of things in common. Well, we managed to argue already..in writing. He wanted my f/b, he wanted to know where I teach (the school), he wanted to know where exactly my father is from (he comes from the same area) etc etc. I kept telling him I don't give out that many details unless I meet someone in person and I feel I can trust them...he thought I was hiding something. Eventually, when I said I had to go, he asked for my phone number and he's going to call in 10 minutes. Something tells me this convo will be short-lived..lol

[notalady]

Chris seems very cautious about your identify but lack consideration for your concern for privacy and safety. Maybe he's scared that you're a serial killer

 

If John hadn't mentioned about planning a date by the end of this weekend, what would you do? Would you ask again?

[missmarple]

Just as I thought...we had a fight in the first 5 minutes of the phonecall. Basically, he kept going on about f/b and that he won't go meet someone that he hasn't 'checked out' before and he's not even sure my pics are mine and I should have skype to make sure it's me and blah blah blah...and this is a person who lives 10 mins away! So, eventually, I told him ok, forget it and hung up the phone.

 

He gave me a headache!

[missmarple]

If John hadn't mentioned about planning a date by the end of this weekend, what would you do? Would you ask again?

 

No. I'm definitely not asking again. Let's not forget that we've only met once and it wasn't even a date, just a first meeting...suggested by me. Plus, I was the one who got back in touch with him.

It's all up to him now.

[notalady]

No. I'm definitely not asking again. Let's not forget that we've only met once and it wasn't even a date, just a first meeting...suggested by me. Plus, I was the one who got back in touch with him.

It's all up to him now.

 

Fair enough! I forgot you were the one suggested the first meet. In that case, I'd cut him off if this weekend passes and he still doesn't plan a date.

 

...or message "hey what's your deal buddy? You say you want to meet but don't plan anything? What's up with that?"

[Batya33]

No. I'm definitely not asking again. Let's not forget that we've only met once and it wasn't even a date, just a first meeting...suggested by me. Plus, I was the one who got back in touch with him.

It's all up to him now.

 

I am sorry about that annoyance with Chris!! What a boor.

 

I'd stop all interactions with John other than planning a time/place - give him a polite brush off (not a total brush off, just with respect to your texting buddy interaction) or a nice response that doesn't welcome more chit chat. JMHO.

[missmarple]

I'd stop all interactions with John other than planning a time/place - give him a polite brush off (not a total brush off, just with respect to your texting buddy interaction) or a nice response that doesn't welcome more chit chat. JMHO.

 

That's what I want to do, Batya, I just don't know how. This morning I realised it's been over a week since we got back in touch and he lives like 20 mins away and we still haven't had that second date despite all his nice words. Ok, he had to go abroad..but he's been back since last night (I imagine!) and it's Sunday. I'm pretty sure he'll text me at some point today...if he asks to meet, fine. If he doesn't and just starts chatting again about this and that, I have no idea how to handle it. How do people give polite brush offs without saying 'dear, I'm sick of chatting, are we going to meet today or not?' lol

[Realitynut]

It's EASY MM....you don't give people polite brush offs (some don't get it...and wonder 'why'?) Why don't you just say "dear, I'm sick of chatting, are we going to meet today or not?"

 

That way you are decisive, he knows where you stand, and if he hems and haws....say, I'm not on here to be a chat buddy. So if we're not moving forward....I'm going to say...adios!

[missmarple]

Why don't you just say "dear, I'm sick of chatting, are we going to meet today or not?"

 

That way you are decisive, he knows where you stand, and if he hems and haws....say, I'm not on here to be a chat buddy. So if we're not moving forward....I'm going to say...adios!

 

Because I don't want to be the one to bring it up. I feel that if I take the initiative, once again, it will always be like that with him. If we had been on 4-5 dates, it would be different. But, as things are right now, he has to be the one to ask for this date.