notalady Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 Sounds like he's not over those tragedies, to be talking about it on a first date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 The date with Michael was nice, I guess. In person, he looked shorter and thinner than his pics and no more goatee...still good looking but not what I expected. We went to a cafe and stayed together for 2 hours (I was the one who said we had to go). The conversation was easy, friendly, relaxed...but, to me, it felt more like I was talking to a friend than a romantic prospect. I think a big part of that was because as soon as we sat down he told me he had had a lot of bad luck in the last few years (he lost a son to an accident, his father and his g/f to a disease) and that changed the atmosphere..it took us almost an hour to get back to normal talk. It's not easy when someone starts with something like that to tell them 'so, what's your favourite movie?'. Anyway, he was nice, polite and talkative and asked about me, too...and he did buy my coffee. I couldn't find something I didn't like but, also, nothing that I liked a lot. I don't know if he'll ask for a second date (he said 'we'll talk') but I would go out with him again if he asked me to. Do I see any possiblity for romance? Not really. damnit. why doesn't he tell all this to a therapist, not his date?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 Maybe he just made one of those mistakes that a lot of people do... Putting something that he feels is important and wants people to know.., out on the table right away because he feels you need to know, this is what you'll be up against should you choose to date him and he doesn't want to waste anyone's time. Kind of like, having too wordy a dating profile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 Maybe he just made one of those mistakes that a lot of people do... Putting something that he feels is important and wants people to know.., out on the table right away because he feels you need to know, this is what you'll be up against should you choose to date him and he doesn't want to waste anyone's time. Kind of like, having too wordy a dating profile. This is what I'm thinking too. It can come across as clueless or socially awkward, and it can be for sure, but I'm pretty convinced that it's just how some people are: they go into first dates/meets with the idea of "we're going to talk about very important, serious things and get it all out there". It can definitely be off-putting for some. For me, I never thought less of talking about more serious topics on a first date, as long as it wasn't about sex or an ex. That's just me though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted December 3, 2015 Author Share Posted December 3, 2015 For me, I never thought less of talking about more serious topics on a first date, as long as it wasn't about sex or an ex. That's just me though. It depends on the topic. Telling me his long-term g/f had died I found normal. I had asked him if he had had a serious relationship after the divorce, so, he had replied to my question. But telling me he had lost his son 5 years ago or how he had lost his father (in detail) when we had just seen each other for the first time (in person) for less than 10 minutes, I found too much to deal with coming from a near stranger. We've all had tragedies in our lives...but, if you met someone you liked, say, at a party, would you tell them about your biggest tragedies? Like someone said above, I felt more like a therapist. How is a date supposed to take a romantic turn when you lead with something like that? For me, this was a conversation we should be having much later (at a later date, I mean). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 He has had waaay too many losses in a short period of time to be in any kind of shape for a relationship. Remember what I said about being a bandaid? That is what he is doing by unloading all of this on you. See him again if you want, but I sure wouldn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 He is still processing all that has happened. Likely feels he is alone/without an emotional safety net for the first time in his life and is in pain and scared to bits. In any event, not good rl material. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 It depends on the topic. Telling me his long-term g/f had died I found normal. I had asked him if he had had a serious relationship after the divorce, so, he had replied to my question. But telling me he had lost his son 5 years ago or how he had lost his father (in detail) when we had just seen each other for the first time (in person) for less than 10 minutes, I found too much to deal with coming from a near stranger. We've all had tragedies in our lives...but, if you met someone you liked, say, at a party, would you tell them about your biggest tragedies? Like someone said above, I felt more like a therapist. How is a date supposed to take a romantic turn when you lead with something like that? For me, this was a conversation we should be having much later (at a later date, I mean). I remember making a new friend -we met for lunch -she went on about her failed marriage -very personal stuff- then interrupted herself and apologized for oversharing. I think discussing serious topics on a first date can be awesome. I agree that unloading in the way he did about all of his losses and tragedies is not a discussion and doesn't seem to have the goal of getting to know the other person. I have met people where we have something very serious in common so we talk about it (like we both lost someone we loved to cancer) but it is a give and take and meant to connect over the commonality, not to unload. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 I remember making a new friend -we met for lunch -she went on about her failed marriage -very personal stuff- then interrupted herself and apologized for oversharing. I think discussing serious topics on a first date can be awesome. I agree that unloading in the way he did about all of his losses and tragedies is not a discussion and doesn't seem to have the goal of getting to know the other person. I have met people where we have something very serious in common so we talk about it (like we both lost someone we loved to cancer) but it is a give and take and meant to connect over the commonality, not to unload. Useful nuance. When I was processing - this took me many months - a very personal death, I had a bit of a fling with a war vet who also was processing. We didn't talk about it until one day he shared a bit of his challenge and how we was involved with other veterans; I shared my experience. He said, You're still sorting through that, aren't you. It was helpful to be seen and identified in that way. Sharing this story because it is the opposite example: by the time we exchanged our personal experiences, we had been on a number of dates and to each other's homes etc. It was appropriate to share, but still, our sharing reflected more a processing of our own pain rather than an effort to invest in one another. That is why I called this a fling though it lasted a while. We were rather like lost souls on an island in some movie script, though our actions gave the appearance of two people dating like any other. When we aren't ready, we just aren't ready. Our stories have to come out, and when its a big life experience, we often do not have the proper outlets through which to channel our stories, or our stories are too big to fit within the channels we can find. We tell them to any good ear we can find. I once cried to the real estate agent inside a model home. LOL. It was my Last Big Healing Moment and yet so inappropriate. Deeply impactful deaths leave layers of discovery in their wakes, and once healed, we often find a new layer or two that warrants exploration before we find peace. While I have empathy for this fellow, I would walk away now unless you feel compelled to engage - in which case, there is something there for you too. Any further interaction may be unpredictable and also require a significant investment. It may be rewarding, too, but it won't be straightforward or easy or reliable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted December 4, 2015 Author Share Posted December 4, 2015 Just talked to a new guy on the phone. 48, lives close to me, divorced with 2 daughters, 14 and 16, sounded nice and we said we'll meet on Wednesday. However, after talking some more, I decided not to meet him. The reason is we were talking about his divorce and he said he hasn't seen his daughters in a year. I asked why and he said their mum has turned them against him. I said that he should keep trying and he said no, he has decided he won't unless they themselves ask to see him and 'it's a long story' etc, etc. Not the sort of person I'd like to meet at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveSoDeep Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 Just talked to a new guy on the phone. 48, lives close to me, divorced with 2 daughters, 14 and 16, sounded nice and we said we'll meet on Wednesday. However, after talking some more, I decided not to meet him. The reason is we were talking about his divorce and he said he hasn't seen his daughters in a year. I asked why and he said their mum has turned them against him. I said that he should keep trying and he said no, he has decided he won't unless they themselves ask to see him and 'it's a long story' etc, etc. Not the sort of person I'd like to meet at all. Yep. I agree. Giving up like that just seems like admitting guilt. Like did the marriage break up for some reason that he was the main contributor like he cheated, was abusive, an addict, etc. I just can't see how in an amicable divorce one parent would turn on the other. So the divorce must not have been very amicable and if that's the case maybe not someone I want to date either because all of my break-ups have been amicable....I don't hate any of my exes and certainly not enough to turn others against them.....something is going on there and I think you're right to stay away from it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 I don't blame you at all for walking away. Just to play devil's advocate, have you heard of parental alienation? It's a real problem and it happens to both men and women. One spouse can "turn" the children against the other parent and poison the relationship between them and the other person because they don't want them to have a good relationship. It's quite sad. That said, yeah, I'd probably walk away from that, but you never know the circumstances. Perhaps the mother and the children moved far away, and the children, being teens, are starting to think for themselves and now think that dad is the devil and refuse to speak to him. Spurned wives and husbands do it and it's very wrong. I think it's a high form of emotional abuse, IMO. If that's what's going on, well, shame on his wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted December 4, 2015 Author Share Posted December 4, 2015 Perhaps the mother and the children moved far away, and the children, being teens, are starting to think for themselves and now think that dad is the devil and refuse to speak to him. They live in the same neighbourhood. The way he talked about the whole thing just got on my nerves. It was like a teenager was talking about other teenagers..he was angry at the kids, not sad....and being a teacher and having witnessed first hand how divorces sometime affect kids, it really angered me. I told him no matter what, kids are never to blame..you can't judge them like you would adults...but he wouldn't listen at all. Sure, I don't know what exactly had happened but I don't want to know...in his tone of voice and his choice of words was everything I need to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zuri Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 Good for you, MM. I agree 100%. You sound like a very grounded person. 👍🏼 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 Oh yeah, that's really different MM. If he were an alienated parent and mature about it, he would be sad at the situation and not blame the teenagers. It's not their faults. Divorce is so hard. If anyone is to blame, it's him and his wife...never, ever the children. It's not their fault. If the mother is feeding them lies, he has to be the bigger person and realize it's the mom's fault but not theirs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted December 5, 2015 Author Share Posted December 5, 2015 Michael messaged me on the site last night but I was AFK. When I came back, he was offline, so, I emailed him apologising and saying I was away and asked how he's doing. He hasn't replied yet. In other news, the dating site with the events has an event at a bar tonight and I'm going to go with a friend. I feel like I'm moving in circles..lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted December 6, 2015 Author Share Posted December 6, 2015 The event last night was awful. The bar wasn't to my liking, the music was too loud, the people around us were ages 20-25 and the men of the event were...tragic. The friend I took with me was laughing with the look on my face..lol I did talk to a guy who was sitting next to me but only out of politeness and he was nowhere near what I like. At least the wine was good :silly: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted December 6, 2015 Author Share Posted December 6, 2015 Michael talked to me on the site. We chatted for about 20 minutes about this and that. No mention of a second date from either one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 New guy. Jacob is 51, 5'7, dark hair/eyes, athletic with a very sweet face (he looks much younger), used to be a captain and now is a ship inspector, divorced for 2 years with a 19yo son....and he lives very close to me (less than 10 mins from my home). We've only talked once on the site but it was a nice chat and we exchanged emails. It's his first time on an online dating site, so, I'm going to take this slow (for another reason, too..these days I'm very busy and hard to find time to meet..lol). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 Just talked to a new guy on the phone. 48, lives close to me, divorced with 2 daughters, 14 and 16, sounded nice and we said we'll meet on Wednesday. However, after talking some more, I decided not to meet him. The reason is we were talking about his divorce and he said he hasn't seen his daughters in a year. I asked why and he said their mum has turned them against him. I said that he should keep trying and he said no, he has decided he won't unless they themselves ask to see him and 'it's a long story' etc, etc. Not the sort of person I'd like to meet at all.[/quote It's impossible to make a judgement on hi. I think because of that. I knew a guy who suicided because his kids wouldn't talk to him - no angel - but his wife had definitely turned the kids against him. If the kids don't want to see him, there's not a real lot he can do about it. I went through a very painful stage when my son was in his teens and decided he didn't want me in his life - not because of anything I did - he found out his father was gay and he hadn't come to terms with it. He went to live with his father, but Ai was the one who bore the brunt of his own oain. You just can't know - and the pain of being rejected by ones own child is the worse oain imaginable fir many people. I can't imagine what it must be like to relinquish a child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 Things progressed faster than expected with Jacob. After a few emails this morning, he asked for my phone number and we just talked on the phone for about half an hour. I liked his voice and phone style..he's serious but laughed with my jokes, he asked the right questions and answered all of mine. He told me a few things about his divorce (I had asked if he's on good terms with the ex) and about his son, job, etc. and I told him about my life, too. Then we both had to go and he asked to talk again tonight and I'm going to call him. PS I think he was planning on asking me out tonight...he asked if I have any plans but I told him I'm tired and been too busy lately, so, tonight I'll stay in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 I just got off the phone with Jacob..second time today. I got to know him a bit more and it was a nice conversation again. We found out we have many things in common. He's also a smoker, we like similar music and books and he also loves animals. He seems to be a nice guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 cool, fingers crossed!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 YAY! There is still hope for you.....and me......and Annie....and .....lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 YAY! There is still hope for you.....and me......and Annie....and .....lol lol!!! ......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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