IAmFCA Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 If I were after a long term thing, I would consider only those who have been legally divorced for at least one year. Too much change occurs becore then, making it a risky investment, as you point out. I've never expected he will go back to the ex, but psychologically, emotionally, practically, there is so much to do in that first year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 I also followed the rule of not dating someone whose divorce was final for less than a year. In the OP's case I wouldn't date him because he lied about his marital status. Agree. AND truth be told (finally), he violates the 1 year rule as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sportster2005 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Well, first of all, he had lied. His profile said divorced. That is one problem right there. Second, when you're not yet divorced, it means you can change your mind any time and I know of many such cases. People who've been separated for 1,2,5 years and then got back together...and I wouldn't want to find myself in a situation like that. ooops I didn't catch that. Yeah, lying about it. Not cool. If people are going to get back together, I don't know if their status is going to stop them. But I guess it would be easier to go back to the marriage, if it's still technically available. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sportster2005 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I actually don't know much about it either. I'm in Australia and it's a really simple process, well, my parents' divorce was lol.. They just signed an application after separating for 12 months (required) and that was it lol...you're not even required to attend the hearing if it's a joint application and/or sole application with no children under 18. If there's a child under 18, you have to show the court that you've made appropriate arrangements for the child. They do not consider why the marriage ended, and do not determine custody, or financial support or division of assets etc. they simply recognising that the marriage has ended. I guess if you agree on those things, it's a super simple and quick process. But if you can't agree on those things (on your own or I imagine with the help of lawyers), you'd have to go to court separately for that, and I can see that getting into a messy long process. During separation, there is of course still a chance you can get back together. So I think that's what the people on the forum are usually getting at. On the flip side, if these obstacles don't exist, and it's a pretty simple process, why do people put off finalising divorce when they've been separated for years, I don't get that. That sounds familiar. I think that's exactly how we do it here. And in my case the difference between separation / divorce was irrelevant to me and the women I dated. It did't cost much for the divorce, and all I had to was sign some papers. If the ex didn't want the divorce, I would probably still be separated. It will be eight years next month. BUT, I wouldn't lie about it. And if a woman I was serious with wanted me to get the divorce I would do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sportster2005 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Don't you want to know if the person you are starting up a relationship with has cut ties to their last relationship? Sometimes it's just paperwork and a final signature is needed... sometimes there is more to the story and the entanglement is still there. Plus, like you say, if MM's goal is to get married, then she should find a single, not a married man. I have one friend who was separated for a long time (years!) because her husband (in another country) was dragging his heels on the divorce decree (he didn't want to pay child support). I don't know, it all sounds very confusing, particularly because it was an international divorce. In the meantime, she started dating someone new. Her current boyfriend apparently didn't mind. She finally got the divorced finalized a few months ago, which is good. I sure do. I'm more concerned about how long they've been single. Is there any entanglement, as you mentioned. I don't care if they're divorced. And that seems to be the status quo around here. I've only heard some people insisting on divorce for religious reasons. And absolutely, I understand MMs concerns for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 It took me a couple of years to be able to do it, and even then, it was very emotional for me. The reason being that leaving, breaking up my family, was the hardest thing I had ever had to do in my life, but I knew that none of my choices were good and easy ones. Whilst not many would understand this, especially these days, marriage was a huge thing for me - I stood before God and said FOREVER through good times and bad, until death do us part. After 4 years, I met someone else who put a lot of pressure on me to divorce, and so I did. He ended up being a very bad choice. Maybe even 4 years, maybe never was an appropriate time for me to partner up with another person. It was not possible for my marriage to survive. More than 20 years later, I still feel sadness about this. It's not always about money. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted November 22, 2015 Author Share Posted November 22, 2015 I'm going through a dry spell (obviously, since no updates..lol). The messages I've been receiving lately are either by very young/very old/very ugly or very married men. Today I got a message by the last guy I had gone out with (the one who hadn't gotten a divorce and told me during our date) saying he hopes my November is going better than my October was with him I didn't bother to reply. The only positive thing is I've started going to the gym and there is a guy there that I like. He seems to be around 50, very good looking and serious about his workout...and keeps looking at me. He's not wearing a ring but many people these days don't. The friend I go with tells me to talk to him but that's not my style at all. Hopefully, some day he'll be running on the treadmill next to mine...lol (I just walk on mine ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 i hear you with the dry spell! good luck with the gym guy!! That could be good. Maybe you can ask him for help with a machine if you see him using it, ask him to show you what to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted November 29, 2015 Author Share Posted November 29, 2015 Just talked to a new guy online. Michael is 50, has a company with his brother, divorced with a 24yo daughter who lives abroad (his ex wife was from abroad, too), lives close to me and I really like his pics. He's 5'9, brown hair and eyes, goatee and very attractive. Our conversation was interesting and relaxed..we have things in common..he lovss cats, he's a Gemini (yay), similar sense of humour and asked a lot of questions about me. He's new on the site, he hasn't met anyone from there yet and he told me he didn't think he would meet anyone. He said most women he's dated recently he's met on f/b. He didn't ask for my phone number and I didn't offer it to him, either...I will if we talk again. He said we'll talk again but who knows? In any case, it was a pleasant conversation and I enjoyed it as it had been ages since my last pleasant chat online. PS The gym guy is still looking and still not talking. Oh well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 How does he meet people on Facebook? Just curious lol! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 How does he meet people on Facebook? Just curious lol! No idea. I only use f/b for games, have never met anyone on there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larkin Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 How does he meet people on Facebook? Just curious lol! Yeah, I was wondering that myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 I just talked with Michael again. This time we talked for about 40 minutes...a very interesting chat. He asked if I had had a serious relationship since my divorce, I said not really and asked about him. He said he had been with someone for 6 years..and, unfortunately, she died a year and a half ago. I didn't ask how or anything, I just asked if he's over what happened. He said time is a great healer which I found a good answer. We also talked about more pleasant things like music and discovered we have similar tastes. And then, he wrote something, I understood something else, we got confused and he said misunderstandings happen in writing. I said well, we should talk on the phone, then, and he said before we meet? I said yes and he gave me his home number and I'm calling him tomorrow afternoon. Fingers crossed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie2006 Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Fingers crossed for you Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Proceed with great caution. 18 months is nothing when you are grieving a spouse or long term partner. My late fiance has been dead almost 5 years and only now do I feel I'm beginning to heal. Most widows and widowers will give you similar answers. Your partner didn't break up with you, THEY DIED! I've had numerous painful breakups in the past, but nothing even close to the pain from your loved one dying. I would be very cautious, and proceed slowly. You don't want to be a band aid, you want a healthy relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted December 1, 2015 Author Share Posted December 1, 2015 Proceed with great caution. 18 months is nothing when you are grieving a spouse or long term partner. My late fiance has been dead almost 5 years and only now do I feel I'm beginning to heal. Most widows and widowers will give you similar answers. Your partner didn't break up with you, THEY DIED! I've had numerous painful breakups in the past, but nothing even close to the pain from your loved one dying. I would be very cautious, and proceed slowly. You don't want to be a band aid, you want a healthy relationship. Yes, I know what you're saying and I agree. I need to get to know the guy properly and see for myself if he's ready for something new. However, I've never lost someone close to me (to death, that is), so, I don't know exactly what to look for. If we do end up meeting and there is chemistry between us and things look good, I'm going to ask people here for some help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 You seem pretty smart. Just look for moving too fast and then withdrawal, very quickly. Some widows and widowers think dating will help ease the pain, and it does for a little while I guess (I've never done that), but eventually the reality that their new lover is not their late beloved kicks in and all hell breaks loose. If he is truly over her in 18 months, he is an amazing man! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted December 1, 2015 Author Share Posted December 1, 2015 So, I talked with Michael on the phone. I loved his voice, it's exactly the voice I like in men...soft, low but not too low and pleasant. He laughs often, he's a good listener, a good conversationalist and our phone chat was as good as our online chats. When I had to leave (for the gym) I suggested we continue in person and he asked what I'm doing on Friday. Unfortunately, I have plans for Friday..and he has plans for Saturday..so, eventually, we agreed to meet tomorrow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Omg I'm excited! Have fun meeting Michael MM! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted December 2, 2015 Author Share Posted December 2, 2015 By the way, I forgot to mention that yesterday he told me he has had a relationship since his long-term girlfriend died. It lasted for 5 months and ended a few months ago. So, at least, I'm not the first woman he'll be dating after her loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 That could be interpreted in good or bad ways lol, but I'm sure you'll find out more when you meet him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted December 2, 2015 Author Share Posted December 2, 2015 The date with Michael was nice, I guess. In person, he looked shorter and thinner than his pics and no more goatee...still good looking but not what I expected. We went to a cafe and stayed together for 2 hours (I was the one who said we had to go). The conversation was easy, friendly, relaxed...but, to me, it felt more like I was talking to a friend than a romantic prospect. I think a big part of that was because as soon as we sat down he told me he had had a lot of bad luck in the last few years (he lost a son to an accident, his father and his g/f to a disease) and that changed the atmosphere..it took us almost an hour to get back to normal talk. It's not easy when someone starts with something like that to tell them 'so, what's your favourite movie?'. Anyway, he was nice, polite and talkative and asked about me, too...and he did buy my coffee. I couldn't find something I didn't like but, also, nothing that I liked a lot. I don't know if he'll ask for a second date (he said 'we'll talk') but I would go out with him again if he asked me to. Do I see any possiblity for romance? Not really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 Do you feel that you would feel more of a romance vibe if he didn't start the date with a lengthy set of sob stories? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted December 2, 2015 Author Share Posted December 2, 2015 Do you feel that you would feel more of a romance vibe if he didn't start the date with a lengthy set of sob stories? Maybe, I don't know. It was all just too much for a first date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 Yes, sounds kind of clueless/self-absorbed on his part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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