Fudgie Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Yes, I think it's really important to be appreciative of a man's efforts, and vice versa for men when it comes to women. You are only owed basic human respect. You are not owed anything else by anyone in terms of dating so be appreciative when you get more. And you partner ought to be appreciative as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SophieGrace Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Well, I may have expectations (who doesn't?) but I can tell the difference between 'I wish he had done that' and 'he didn't do that, so, it's over'...and it's not that I'm continually disappointed by men..many of the men I've gone out with I didn't even like. It's the men that I actually found interesting and who seemed to be interested in me, too, who disappoint me...because it's become a pattern. I meet a guy, I like him, he seems to like me, it all seems to be going well..poof, he disappears. That's the real problem. Be interesting if one of your more level-headed friends could conduct exit interviews with those guys you liked, like the author did in the book. A fact-finding expedition, if you will. Doesn't mean you'd have to change anything - just would be interesting feedback to see if there are any commonalities in their perceptions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted September 16, 2015 Author Share Posted September 16, 2015 After a dry spell that lasted for weeks (during which I had had messages by too old, too young, married, ugly, couldn't spell to save their lives etc.) I finally got a nice email by a sweet guy, 51, good-looking, divorced for years with a 19yo son who wants a serious relationship and writes very well, too. Of course, with my luck, there had to be a problem. He has 2 jobs, both of which are too far from me...a market over an hour away and a company 50 mins away and shares his time between the two. I emailed back that I appreciate his interest but distance and his lack of free time is a problem for me, especially since I don't drive...but I said I'd like to know his views on the subject. I'll see what he says and take it from there. He had also asked for my phone number and sent his, too, but I don't plan on using it until I know what he's thinking about the distance. I don't want to get involved with someone who can only see me on the weekends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Sounds good. I am 49 and learning to drive right now. I took lessons 1.5 years ago then got too scared and stopped. I took two road tests as a teenager and failed. I lived for over 4 decades without driving but where we now relocated being able to drive is becoming more and more essential. So, I am taking the plunge and giving it my all - somewhat scared but fiercely determined. What is stopping you from learning? It might open up more social and/or dating options for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted September 16, 2015 Author Share Posted September 16, 2015 Oh, I know how to drive and I've got a driving licence...but I don't drive. I had had an accident when I was younger and the car was ruined..noone had gotten hurt, thank God, but, well, since then I just can't drive again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Oh, I know how to drive and I've got a driving licence...but I don't drive. I had had an accident when I was younger and the car was ruined..noone had gotten hurt, thank God, but, well, since then I just can't drive again. OK -perhaps you could meet this person halfway during the week if things work out and you want to see each other more often and of course someone can relocate if things get serious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted September 16, 2015 Author Share Posted September 16, 2015 OK -perhaps you could meet this person halfway during the week if things work out and you want to see each other more often and of course someone can relocate if things get serious. I could easily meet him halfway once..or twice...but it's not something I want to do on a regular basis and that's why I asked about his views on the matter. Because it's not just the distance, it's also the fact he's already told me he works a lot..if he lived an hour away and he had to work from 8 to 5, it might be ok..but 2 jobs and one of them being at a market..I don't see how we could even meet during the week, considering I have to get up at 7am every morning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 I could easily meet him halfway once..or twice...but it's not something I want to do on a regular basis and that's why I asked about his views on the matter. Because it's not just the distance, it's also the fact he's already told me he works a lot..if he lived an hour away and he had to work from 8 to 5, it might be ok..but 2 jobs and one of them being at a market..I don't see how we could even meet during the week, considering I have to get up at 7am every morning. Sure it might be a dealbreaker but if he's a good one I'd do my very best to think outside the box. My husband and I were long distance on and off for years and we had to do some crazy stuff to make it work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted September 17, 2015 Author Share Posted September 17, 2015 Bob (the name I gave this guy) replied with a VERY long email that didn't say much about my worries over distance/lack of time on his part. It's too long to even type it here but the general idea was that he wants a relationship 'for life', that distance doesn't matter and stuff like that...all of it written in a very poetic way that's not my style at all, especially coming from a stranger. I wrote back that I'm the practical type and asked what time he usually gets off work and what his daily schedule is like. He hasn't replied yet but, judging from his email, I'm not sure I want him to. I don't think I'd be compatible with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Yes, it sounds like you've decided the distance is a near dealbreaker so you're judging his response from that perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted September 17, 2015 Author Share Posted September 17, 2015 Yes, it sounds like you've decided the distance is a near dealbreaker so you're judging his response from that perspective. No, that's not it. It's that his response didn't convince me that distance/lack of time won't be a problem. Too vague. It's easy to say I don't care about distance blah blah but I wanted something concrete. For example 'it's not a problem because I usually get off work at 6-7pm'...or 'it's not a problem because my weekends are free'...or something to that effect. That's why I emailed him again asking for more details. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 No, that's not it. It's that his response didn't convince me that distance/lack of time won't be a problem. Too vague. It's easy to say I don't care about distance blah blah but I wanted something concrete. For example 'it's not a problem because I usually get off work at 6-7pm'...or 'it's not a problem because my weekends are free'...or something to that effect. That's why I emailed him again asking for more details. He is typing to a near stranger so I'd cut him slack on whether he articulated this well or understood from what you typed how serious an issue it is for you. How about a phone conversation and in about 3.5 minutes you will know all you need to know. And yes, you might not be compatible typing to each other so leave the laptop home when you meet and talk face to face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Writing a super long email to declare his quest for love wouldn't exactly be my style either. But if you asked "what's your view on this", I don't think stating that it's not a problem for him and what he's looking for is not a good answer/too fluffy? Now that you asked a more specific question, we'll see what he says. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted September 17, 2015 Author Share Posted September 17, 2015 He was able to write an email of 6 (!) paragraphs..surely, he could have fit something specific in it but he chose not to. Sure, I could call him but if it's that hard to say something simple over email, I don't even want to think what he'll be like on the phone. Still, if he does reply to my second email and answers my question, I'll talk to him on the phone, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveSoDeep Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 I have to say I agree with you here. He didn't seem to have a trouble writing about other things in his 6 paragraphs e-mail but when you asked about the distance he pretty much brushed it off. To me that says he's still trying to decide if the distance will be an issue and he's not ready to be any more firm in his responses until he tries it out....because he just doesn't know. So to me it seems like he's willing to give it a try, but he's not really sure how it will work. If that's not good enough for you....then it's not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YouCanDeleteThisAccount Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 I don't think he purposefully brushed the question off, he more than likely views the distance as a non issue, but isn't considering how much it may be an issue for you. He'll probably consider it more now that you asked for more detail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Typing this much with a stranger is a mistake if your goal is to meet people in person through an on line site. Give him 15 minutes of your time on the phone and then decide whether it makes sense to meet in person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
einsteins_girl Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Different people have different approaches, and that's okay. Not everyone has to do everything the same way. I typed with my boyfriend via an online site for a month before meeting. We were together six years. There are no steadfast rules. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Different people have different approaches, and that's okay. Not everyone has to do everything the same way. I typed with my boyfriend via an online site for a month before meeting. We were together six years. There are no steadfast rules. Never said there were. Just gave my opinion. Glad your approach worked for you. Most of the time I've seen the opposite result and I always understood why. Obviously there are exceptions and I totally agree that different people have different approaches -not sure what that had to do with what I wrote. In this particular situation -which is what I was opining on, I think it would make a lot more sense to spend 15 minutes on the phone with this person especially since MM had a positive impression of him other than his reaction, in writing, to the typing issue. I also think the reason for typing and talking before meeting is relevant -if it's because someone is out of town and cannot meet ASAP that makes more sense to me personally (although I would advise against that if asked - just wait till you meet) than typing and talking because the people presume that is a relevant way to get to know someone you might want to date in the future. To me it is not relevant. Others might have a different approach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted September 18, 2015 Author Share Posted September 18, 2015 Typing this much with a stranger is a mistake if your goal is to meet people in person through an on line site. Give him 15 minutes of your time on the phone and then decide whether it makes sense to meet in person. Oh, I agree about typing and it wasn't my purpose at all. My emails to him are 10 lines in total (both of them!)..his are like 200 lines each..lol! The thing is I asked a simple question..I made it even clearer in my second email. If he isn't able/doesn't want to answer that question, I don't want to waste even 2 minutes of my time on the phone with him. It's not like I asked 'so, what are your views on reincarnation?' If he doesn't want to answer my question in writing, I see no reason to talk to him on the phone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted September 18, 2015 Author Share Posted September 18, 2015 Well, he just replied to me and now I'm positive I want nothing to do with him. His email: 'Good morning! Why are you, in a roundabout way, being pugnacious? (translated but that's the meaning of the word he wrote)...the fact that you're a civil servant with very convenient work hours in comparison to me, doesn't mean you can be provocative about how much free time you have! My free time is on the weekends, late in the afternoon and from October, Wednesday afternoons, too. I know how to be consistent, especially since I have a son in the university. I'm interested in a serious relationship and just because I don't have much free time doesn't mean I'm not worthy of a relationship. The quality of a relationship isn't about how close you live to someone or how often you see them but how fullfilling it is when you do see the other person...besides, distance and absence make the heart grow fonder! You wrote that you're the practical type...but, dear, in love, when you are practical, you lose all the magic and the spontaneity..think about it. Have to go now because I'm at work. Bob' My 'provocative and pugnacious' email to him had been: 'Hi to you, too...well, I'm the practical type, so, if we were to arrange a meeting, what day/time would be convenient to you? My job has fixed hours, I'm usually at home by 4pm. How is your schedule, your day in general?' So, although I'm ok with meeting someone only on the weekends, to start with, I'm not ok with his style at all. I don't like that he took a simple question and made it sound like an attack or something...not to mention my mention of my working hours that he took to mean that I was bragging or something! Blah, I'm glad I never called him...not sure how I'd react if he had said those things on the phone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 My guess is that he is a grump. I wouldn't want to meet him either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 MM, I consider myself a practical person as well and I would bristle at someone telling me, esp. so early on, that being practical makes "lose the magic and spontaneity". Ew. No, that doesn't sit well with moi. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 MM, I consider myself a practical person as well and I would bristle at someone telling me, esp. so early on, that being practical makes "lose the magic and spontaneity". Ew. No, that doesn't sit well with moi. Ugh - I agree. Silently thank him for showing this side before wasting time meeting him. On to better things! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 You wrote that you're the practical type...but, dear, in love, when you are practical, you lose all the magic and the spontaneity..think about it. Have to go now because I'm at work. So snarky!!!! next.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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