reinventmyself Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 . . you are on a roll MM! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie2006 Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Jon was such a disappointment. Fingers crossed for Bill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 Tom, the guy who had turned out to still be married, has sent me a couple of messages on the site in the last 10 days. I ignored them. Then, today, he sent me a message on f/b, too, saying 'you've unfriended me! wow!'..took him 10 days to notice? LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Tom, the guy who had turned out to still be married, has sent me a couple of messages on the site in the last 10 days. I ignored them. Then, today, he sent me a message on f/b, too, saying 'you've unfriended me! wow!'..took him 10 days to notice? LOL You might be the catalyst that gets the ball rolling for him. If he's getting divorced, he needs to get in it. Maybe up until now he didn't understand what a deal breaker it can be. (With that said, he's still a liar, so there's no hope for him for you..,but maybe you'll shape him into someone that could be good prospects for someone else....maybe ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 You might be the catalyst that gets the ball rolling for him. If he's getting divorced, he needs to get in it. I'm not sure he really plans on getting divorced. He's been separated for 5 years and he had told me that a serious relationship he'd had about a year ago had ended because the woman (who had also been separated at first) had gotten a divorce and he wouldn't (of course, according to him, because of finances, etc, etc). If that wasn't enough for him to take the plunge (he told me he was in love with that woman), I don't think anything will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I'm not sure he really plans on getting divorced. He's been separated for 5 years and he had told me that a serious relationship he'd had about a year ago had ended because the woman (who had also been separated at first) had gotten a divorce and he wouldn't (of course, according to him, because of finances, etc, etc). If that wasn't enough for him to take the plunge (he told me he was in love with that woman), I don't think anything will. Apparently he wasn't in love with her enough. It's just excuses. That's lame. He's lame. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 The guy who had called me last week (the one I had gone on one date with..a year ago!), messaged me on the site, too. I didn't reply. What's with all the recycling! You had you chance, mister! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 My second date with Bill was, unfortunately, more boring than the first one. He was nice, polite and everything but he's just not my type, not in the slightest. He asked me to meet again on Tuesday and I felt my heart sink...that's how badly I felt. I said I'll call to let him know because I couldn't bring myself to tell him to his face that I'm not interested. I'll text him tomorrow and say I've thought about it and I don't think we have enough things in common..or something like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 ugh. that's too bad. well, good to tell him sooner rather than later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie2006 Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 That's too bad about Bill. It sucks when that happens, doesn't it? You want to like them but you know you don't, not in THAT way ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 I sent that text and I feel awful. I wrote that I'm sorry but I don't think we are compatible enough to date and wished him luck, etc. He hasn't replied yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Bill texted me I just found your message....I wish you all the best, too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 That's a shame MM, but you gave it a fair shot Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Yes, I know. I felt so bad I almost texted him back..but I stopped myself when I remembered how bored I felt last night. Why is it so hard to meet someone nice who I also like? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Why is it so hard to meet someone nice who I also like? That's the essence of it isn't it! There were two guys I met at the meetup today that seemed interested in me (one even asked for my number), but none I'm interested in. They seemed nice though. But in a glass half full way, I thought it's good that there are always nice guys interested in me, that means I'm attracting the right kind of people, and if I go out enough and meet enough people, I'm bound to meet one that I'm interested in as well! Perhaps that's a better way of looking at it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Yes, I know. I felt so bad I almost texted him back..but I stopped myself when I remembered how bored I felt last night. Why is it so hard to meet someone nice who I also like? It depends on what you mean by "nice" and what attracts you. I think there's a spectrum where you have a person who is kind and thoughtful but also has an edge so he/she is interesting, keeps you on your toes in a good way and then on the other end of the spectrum is a person who is self-absorbed and unavailable but very charismatic/exciting to talk to -and at times kind and thoughtful so it keeps you guessing. It depends how much and what kind of "excitement" you need - if unavailability or mystery (like Pedro or Anhel although different types of that) is what excites you (as opposed to someone who is reasonably assertive, expresses opinions, doesn't let you or others walk all over him but without being arrogant) - then you're going to tend more towards the men who are not as kind and thoughtful but are more exciting in that unavailable/mysterious way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 if unavailability or mystery (like Pedro or Anhel although different types of that) is what excites you. Neither one of those seemed to be unavailable or mysterious. They were both polite, thoughtful (Pedro mainly on the phone but he did live 3 hrs away), single and interested in me or so they said. In both cases, the moment I realised that something wasn't right (well, in Pedro's case), I walked away...and Anhel just stopped contacting me and I never contacted him either...so, I have no idea what you are talking about. What I liked in those 2 was mostly their personality..albeit for different reasons each..but, certainly, nothing to do with any sort of...mystery...on the contrary, they were both very open and never refused to answer any of my questions. Bill messaged me on the site. A long message, basically saying that maybe he didn't show me how much he liked me (poor guy, he thought that was the problem), thanking me for the 2 dates and asking why I think we're not compatible. I haven't replied yet and I don't know if I should or what I should write. Any help? In other news, I have a date with a new guy for Tuesday. Jim is 52, 5'8, grey hair/green eyes, good looking, has his own company, has been divorced for over 10 years and has 2 kids (girl 18/boy 25). We exchanged a few messages and then talked on the phone. He has 2 houses, apparently..one in the city (half an hour from me) where his company is, too, and one in the country..about an hour and a half away..he's there this weekend. I liked his voice and the way he talked on the phone, he sounded clever and laughed often. He was free to meet tomorrow or Tuesday and I picked Tuesday since Peter may call today (if he does at all). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 In my humble opinion you stayed in contact with Pedro for quite awhile after he started being flaky/mysterious as to his whereabouts/availability (I remember many posts where you weren't sure what to do and decided to stay in touch so I didn't see it as the knee-jerk reaction you now describe- but again, it's subjective and, again, difference of opinion, but I don't think it's "nice" of a person to cheat on his wife and make the excuses Anhel made to you. When you ask about "nice" that's a matter of opinion so once you stayed in contact with Anhel and were open to seeing him again after he shared that with you right up front in my opinion that's an example of continuing to pursue a person who likely is not "nice". Obviously you can have a very different opinion of what it means to be nice. So for example, given how popular you have been lately on the site, consider that if you continue to stay in contact with someone who has cheated on his wife under the circumstances Anhel did or who makes more than one excuse about why he cannot see you that doesn't sound right, cut it off so that you can spend your precious free time on men who might be worth it -time is a precious commodity and you in particular have an active career and social life and family responsibilities so don't squander it if at all possible! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Of course, nice means different things to everyone. To me, nice means honest, polite, treats me with respect, can disagree with me without insulting me, isn't rude, etc. I don't consider someone who had cheated once (from what he had said) 'not nice'...I consider him human under the circumstances and I know we disagree on this but, as I said, it depends on everyone's definition of nice. Pedro is a topic we have exhausted, so, I won't go back to it...lol Regarding Bill I emailed him that it was nothing he did, I just didn't feel there was the correct chemistry between us for something more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Of course, nice means different things to everyone. To me, nice means honest, polite, treats me with respect, can disagree with me without insulting me, isn't rude, etc. I don't consider someone who had cheated once (from what he had said) 'not nice'...I consider him human under the circumstances and I know we disagree on this but, as I said, it depends on everyone's definition of nice. Pedro is a topic we have exhausted, so, I won't go back to it...lol Regarding Bill I emailed him that it was nothing he did, I just didn't feel there was the correct chemistry between us for something more. Yes, I agree with your definition and IMO if someone had told me what Anhel told you (not saying anything about everyone -just what Anhel told you about cheating on his wife- and it wasn't just one time- how he told you and his particular excuse) I would doubt that he could treat me with respect or be honest with me for the long term - it would at least raise serious red flags. If you don't want to discuss Pedro in this context, you're entitled - I gave my opinion on how he's an example of your staying in touch with someone who didn't treat you nicely/didn't seem to be honest with you about his whereabouts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 If you don't want to discuss Pedro in this context, you're entitled - I gave my opinion on how he's an example of your staying in touch with someone who didn't treat you nicely/didn't seem to be honest with you about his whereabouts. Why didn't he treat me nicely? He was never rude to me, he always kept in contact, phoned almost daily and said he wanted to see me again. Yes, he didn't come back in those 3 weeks but it had been my decision to stop communicating..he had excuses for every one of those weekends...and, for all I know, they could all be true. I chose to stop talking to him because I'm not the type who can wait...not because he wasn't nice to me. About his surroundings, I never doubted he was where he said he was just because he didn't have a home line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Why didn't he treat me nicely? He was never rude to me, he always kept in contact, phoned almost daily and said he wanted to see me again. Yes, he didn't come back in those 3 weeks but it had been my decision to stop communicating..he had excuses for every one of those weekends...and, for all I know, they could all be true. I chose to stop talking to him because I'm not the type who can wait...not because he wasn't nice to me. About his surroundings, I never doubted he was where he said he was just because he didn't have a home line. That is not at all how I read many of your posts back then including your doubts and suspicions about his excuses almost from the beginning after you met him. But that's ok, we can agree to disagree. By contrast, you cut Jon off very quickly once you found him to have lied and be self-absorbed, despite being very excited about him. That to me is an example of how it's best to move on who shows those kinds of character flaws from the beginning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Here is one example of what you posted about Pedro, some time before you decided to cut him off (from what I read there were several more conversations before you cut him off) "I emailed Pedro and gave him a time he can call. It still doesn't sit well with me that for a whole day he didn't find a minute to wish me HP (and that he wants to celebrate with me is still debatable) but anyway. As for how quickly I would dismiss Pedro, I believe I've already been more than patient with the guy considering I only met him once 11 days ago and since then nothing but a few emails and a couple of phonecalls and a suggestion to meet 2 hrs away in another 15 days! That's why I've set that limit for next weekend. I can't keep talking to him and build a fantasy in my head if he makes zero effort to meet." From what I read you continued to stay in touch with him and your comments about his further excuses/failure to make plans did not indicate in the least that you thought he was treating you nicely - quite the opposite. I am not trying to be "right" but when you complain about not meeting "nice" people who you are also interested in I bring up Pedro as an example of wasting time (and Jon as an example of not - and my suggestion is to continue the Jon strategy and keep a close eye on whether you cut off Pedro type situations quickly enough). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Except I only went on one date with both of them..so, I hardly wasted any 'time'...except those minutes on the phone with Pedro. And another big difference is that Jon's 'fault' was something I couldn't overlook and I had noticed throughout our date. Not the same with Pedro. The 'issues' with Pedro started after the date and it was mainly that he wouldn't make plans to meet..albeit always with an excuse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Yes - to me reliability and putting in effort to meet is a huge indicator of being thoughtful, reliable and respectful because in the beginning a large part of what we have to go on is how the person respects our time in all the various ways. I agreed with you back then on your several posts in which you were frustrated with Pedro's lack of effort to meet (you even had some choice curse words concerning his treatment of you). I think it's a huge waste of time to stay in contact with someone as long as you did with Pedro because then you keep the person on your radar and it does affect your ability to focus on others -after all, you took Pedro's call while you were on a date - as it turned out you were not that into Mike but imagine if you had been or had decided later than you were and then had to reassure Mike that indeed you were interested and would not repeat that behavior again. For example. Certainly if you go on one or two dates with someone within a week or so and then write them off that is not a waste of time -even 3 or 4 - depending on how the person treats you - you have to get to know the person of course -but I would avoid staying in touch with someone for weeks after one date as you did with Pedro given how you did not like how he was treating you (according to what you wrote back then). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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