Patrick974 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Indeed if he wants to talk about it its probably cause it bugs him. Hope he wont bore you too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 Indeed if he wants to talk about it its probably cause it bugs him. Hope he wont bore you too much. I'm not worried about getting bored but about getting annoyed..and showing it. I'm impulsive..I'm the sort of person who won't think twice before telling him 'if smoking is such a big deal for you, why did you even want to meet me in the first place?'. Non-smokers who try to 'change' me is a major source of annoyance for me. It's like I'm 47, not 17... I know the risks and I choose to keep smoking..if you can't live with it, leave me alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick974 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Yes MM thats my point and thats why you can state if you are a smoker, heavy drinker and such on most dating sites nowadays. It helps filter whos good for you and who you match with. And yes you are a grown up person who must have listened everything about the danger of smoking already. Blah you will see... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I agree that he shouldn't meet you if smoking is an issue for him and should not give you input about the risks of smoking unless you ask him for it. I do think it's fair for him to ask you if you plan to quit/have tried to quit but he should ask you on the phone if a "no" answer would be a dealbreaker. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helpexpressme Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I'm not worried about getting bored but about getting annoyed..and showing it. I'm impulsive..I'm the sort of person who won't think twice before telling him 'if smoking is such a big deal for you, why did you even want to meet me in the first place?'. Non-smokers who try to 'change' me is a major source of annoyance for me. It's like I'm 47, not 17... I know the risks and I choose to keep smoking..if you can't live with it, leave me alone. He may ask you to quit smoking, but would that be the baddest thing in the world? You'd keep those nasty ciggy's in favour of an awsome guy? I don't think so! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick974 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 He may ask you to quit smoking, but would that be the baddest thing in the world? You'd keep those nasty ciggy's in favour of an awsome guy? I don't think so! So if someone like meat and encounter a vegan he will talk about it on 1st date? Things and habbits can change but in a steady relationship of some months at least. Not all of a sudden. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helpexpressme Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Well he wants to talk about it on the first date as it may be a deal-breaker for him. But since he really likes her, he's still going to meet her knowing she's a smoker. He's compromising. At best she should hear him out, and compromise on her half too if she really likes him. I'd hate for smoking to kill any chance of happiness, when smoking ain't even worth it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Well he wants to talk about it on the first date as it may be a deal-breaker for him. But since he really likes her, he's still going to meet her knowing she's a smoker. He's compromising. At best she should hear him out, and compromise on her half too if she really likes him. I'd hate for smoking to kill any chance of happiness, when smoking ain't even worth it! ...that is not compromising. That is trying to change someone. You should never go into dating someone with the expectation that they will change. It's selfish...and it means the relationship is doomed (because who wants to date someone that think they're almost good enough?) I hope that's not this guys deal....if it is, mm should run. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 He may ask you to quit smoking, but would that be the baddest thing in the world? You'd keep those nasty ciggy's in favour of an awsome guy? I don't think so! If he asked that of her on a first meet she should write him off just for asking that. And I am an enthusiastic non-smoker who cannot relate to why anyone would choose to smoke (or not choose to do everything in her power to quit -and yes I smoked heavily for about a year in my teens, almost became addicted). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 The date with Jon has left me perplexed as there were many things about him that I liked...and many things that I didn't. First of all, he looked different than his pics..thinner and younger....and for a reason! This is the first guy I've ever met who lied about his age saying he's OLDER than he is! It turned out that he's 42 (2 years younger than his profile age). His reason for putting an older age was, as he said, that he was looking for someone older than him because he doesn't want to have any more kids OR live with someone who has young kids...so, he wanted to meet someone who was a/45+ and b/didn't have young kids...so, I was the perfect candidate, I guess. His reasoning was that, since his daughter lives so far away, he doesn't want her to be in a situation where she knows that her dad is raising another kid (either his or the woman's he's with). I can understand his reasoning but I couldn't help feeling a bit 'cheated' as he had never mentioned anything like that before. Looks-wise, I did like him..he has a baby face (without glasses he looked even younger than 42) and a sweet smile. Also, he was extremely polite with me...and he was ok about the smoking thing, too. He did mention it, named some of the risks, etc but he didn't give me a lecture as I was afraid he would...maybe because I told him straight up that I know the risks and I think I'm more at risk of getting hit by a car..lol. He talked about it in a nice way and, as a result, I smoked less cigs than I normally would and that wasn't a bad thing. What I didn't like was, as I told him, that his favourite word seems to be 'I'. He wasn't showing off (that would have been a deal-breaker) but he talked about himself and his life a lot..while he didn't ask anything about me. I told him that, too. He said that it's not because of lack of interest, that he wants to be discreet and he thinks that if the other person has something to say, they'll say it on their own. The problem is that that approach doesn't work on me...I'm not the sort of person who'll start talking about myself without being asked. I did share a few things and he listened but, again, he didn't ask any questions. Not good. He paid me many compliments..in a nice way. He said I have a great body, he liked my legs, I'm very pretty, etc..and I look even better than my pics. He also put his arm around my shoulders and asked if I minded..I didn't. He didn't try to kiss me or anything and that was good. He only touched my hand...a lot. He loved my palms (first time a guy is thrilled with my palms..lol) because he said they're very soft..weird, isn't it? He told me that he has appreciated the way I talk about his daughter, that he can tell I'm a tender person and asked if I want to see him again. Before I could answer he had already laid out a plan (lol)...it didn't annoy me because he did it in a sweet way. He said he wants to take me to a mall next Saturday morning to show me something that has to do with computers (no idea what). I know that mall but because it's far from me, I haven't been there, so, I said ok. Then, he said he wants to see me mid-week, too, and that this time I should take him somewhere near my neighbourhood (which he hardly knows). Another one of his plans was to take me for a night swimming some time... apparently he prefers it as he doesn't like swimming in the sun (he is very white). I said we'll see...and another one of his plans was to take me to his place of work to show me around. He did drive me home after the date (he's a very careful driver) and said we'll talk. Overall...I had a good time, not a great time as I somehow felt that, although he was nice and polite and complimentary, everything was about him...almost as if I wasn't there, if you know what I mean. On the other hand, there was chemistry between us and he does seem like a nice guy, so, I'll see him again...I think that after 2-3 more dates, I'll know for sure if he was just nervous tonight or if this is what he's like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I have to say that's bold of you to critique his "I" penchant! I find his lying about his age very odd - especially by just 2 years - his reasoning is odd too. Obviously it's fine that he doesn't want more children or a woman who wants to have a child but women in their mid-late 40s might still want a child or to adopt a child -all he needs to do is state his child-related preferences in his profile. I'm interested to hear how the next date goes and I can relate to that feeling that it was all about him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 weird. isn't there some guy out there who can put his correct age on his profile??? not younger, not older, just the actual age...?? well, let's see how the next date goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Why is the guy that lied about being younger "out" but the guy that lied about being older acceptable? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthDallas40 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Something seems fishy to me. It's great that he's showing interest... but it seems way too much interest for a first meeting. It doesn't seem genuine, as hinted at by his lack of any kind of deep interest in you, as you pointed out. And the age thing, and his reasons for it... something's not adding up. By all means, I'd keep seeing him. He may turn out to be just a really sincere person. But I'd give him a bit of a probation period before I made any kind of commitments, emotional or otherwise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I know what you mean about how he talks about himself and not asking questions (or follow up with questions when you talk about yourself). I think I briefly mentioned it in my journal some time ago, Z was always like that, at first I thought it was weird and I didn't like that dynamic but didn't give it too much thought either as I don't mind talking about myself without asking. But it's not about whether I could talk about myself without questions, or whether he lacked interest, the problem is that he indeed only cares about himself and what he wants. Same with the being eager to plan future dates. It's like he has a vision or ideal of the woman he wants, and he can fit any woman into that, therefore he doesn't need to ask questions or get to know her, and feels instantly infatuated with her (with his vision of her). Anyway let's hope that's not the case, I'm sure you'll be able to tell given another date or two. Also yea I didn't like the lying about age thing either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 I have to say that's bold of you to critique his "I" penchant! I find his lying about his age very odd - especially by just 2 years - his reasoning is odd too. Obviously it's fine that he doesn't want more children or a woman who wants to have a child but women in their mid-late 40s might still want a child or to adopt a child -all he needs to do is state his child-related preferences in his profile. LOL your first sentence made me laugh. Indeed, it was bold and I'm not usually THAT straight-forward but, frankly, after ONE hour of him talking about himself, I wanted to see his reaction if I called him up on it. If, at that point, he had gotten angry or annoyed, I would have ended the date (I was ready to do just that, actually but I thought let's give him a chance and see what he says). About the age thing, it is strange (after all, he could avoid messaging (or replying to messages) younger women..but, I think, he thought that maybe an older woman wouldn't be interested in a younger guy....not that 2 years make such a difference but for some woman they might ...for example, I had a friend who always said she didn't want someone younger even if it was by one day..so, I guess, 2 years sounded right to him? Frankly, I can't imagine what sort of hidden agenta could be behind that detail except from what he said. The age thing doesn't really bother me..it was just 2 years..I just found it a bit silly to lie about something like that. The 'I' thing is what annoyed me the most. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 One guy I had gone on several dates with last year lied about his age by only a year and half, he was 33 and wrote that he was 31 on his profile, and turned 32 on his profile while we had gone on a couple of dates, which was what tipped me off during casual conversations. It made no sense at all to be lying about his age by that little bit, and it's not like it put him in a different age group. It's hard to think of a logical reason and it's a small number, but that doesn't make it any less dishonest than someone who had a "good" reason. Anyway will be interesting to see what you learn about him after a few dates! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 I got a phonecall by a guy I had gone on a date with...about a year ago! The date had gone well but he hadn't contacted me afterwards, so, I had let it go. He had sent me a few messages online during this year but that was all. So, today, he called and asked if I'm free to meet tonight. I said I'm not and sorry, I have to go. Idiots. Jon messaged me on the site as soon as I got on it. We talked about general things and he asked me to call him. I would have but he said something like it bores me to type'..I said 'ah ok, then, don't type..I can't talk on the phone right now'. He decided to type after all. I don't know..this time he seemed boring to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie2006 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I didn't want to say before but he seemed too treacly sweet ... like what he said about parts of his house being pink. Maybe I'm too cynical but what he said sounded a bit ... fake ? Do you think you'll give Jon a second chance? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Do you think you'll give Jon a second chance? Unless he says something very stupid before the second date, then, yes. If he asks for one, of course. What he said last night about meeting again was stuff I've heard from others, too...and a second date never happened. So, who knows? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Why is the guy that lied about being younger "out" but the guy that lied about being older acceptable? I agree. Both are dishonest and who really cares why. Both make me think "what are his values/what else is he lying about". Sometimes the younger is worse because the reasoning is usually more offensive "because I want a younger woman/because I look younger so I can get away with it". But really, a distinction without a difference. I once declined a date with someone who lied, intentionally, by 6 months "because my sister told me that it was better to be __ age". MM -I wanted to clarify that your calling Jon out on his "I" focus was "bold" - in an impressive way! Good for you -sounds like you did it in a direct, civil, way and someone needs to tell him that, in that way! I also agree with Notalady who I think wrote that not asking the other person about herself isn't "oh because I don't want to pry" -it's just self-absorbed. There are many ways to ask about someone without coming off as prying and most people appreciate that kind of interest in their lives/activities, whatever. Most people feel awkward sharing about themselves without being at least slightly encouraged to do so by the other person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 I also agree with Notalady who I think wrote that not asking the other person about herself isn't "oh because I don't want to pry" -it's just self-absorbed. There are many ways to ask about someone without coming off as prying and most people appreciate that kind of interest in their lives/activities, whatever. Most people feel awkward sharing about themselves without being at least slightly encouraged to do so by the other person. I agree with her, too. If we do go on a second date and it's all about him again..I'll be out. In other news, this afternoon I met a friend's friend at her house...she was the one who had arranged it and I have mentioned this guy before. She had showed me a pic of his a few months ago and I had told her I'm not interested. In any case, I decided to meet him in person today...and I was right. He's not my type at all. Nice guy and we had a nice chat (my friend was present, too, of course) and I wouldn't mind seeing him again in a friendly setting..but not a guy I'd be interested romantically in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I think a lot of guys do that (they are trying to "sell" themselves). It's ok to interject and say, "oh, that reminds me of the time my sister and I ........" Well, at least you met a new guy - it's good to keep meeting people, hopefully one will stick one day!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Has a second date with Jon been set MM? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I feel like you went out with an older version of my ex. He sounds like an extreme planner. He always wanted to make plans and wanted things to be perfect. He was very structured and rigid and, while he did seem to want to "go with the flow" - I feel like he'd mentally scheduled time to do that. In the end, he was a bit boring to me. Was great on paper and had all the same values I did. But I just couldn't get excited about being with him. I hope you give him a few more dates (if he makes them) to decide if this is what he will be like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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