Batya33 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 You can reevaluate your standards when it comes to manners and especially question yourself as to whether you are coming at this from a jaded perspective. As far as Pedro it seemed you cut him far far more slack -not shutting things down where I would have thought you would given your stated standards -and I think that was simply because you were far more into him -not because of him meeting your standards of manners. I'm just saying it might serve you well to see where your standards are coming from and whether you are applying them from a positive mindset or from the guilty till proven innocent jaded mindset. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthDallas40 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I think what's going on here is that people confuse what I write in this journal (which is mostly stuff I think and wonder about) with how I actually behave to these men. As a fellow ENA date-journaler, I completely agree. From the outside, it's easy to assume that Miss M is doing something wrong with her dating process. But what other ENA members don't have is the benefit of actually interacting and meeting - in real life - the people she's discussing. It's easy to armchair-quarterback when you're not the actual person dealing with all the flaky, weird, stupid, dishonest, boring and boorish prospects from online dating. Plus there's simply too many nuances in peoples' behavior that can be difficult to translate to the written word. Not to mention the difficulty in accurately describing the sometimes vague but highly meaningful intuitive feelings we have ourselves when we encounter them. Granted, there have been a few moments in this journal where I've felt Miss M could have taken a slightly different tack with some of these guys. But on balance I think she's doing a pretty good job at sensibly weeding out the losers and keeping her own self-respect, while continuing to being a good prospect herself. Unless, of course, she's not telling us about how she picks her nose and/or feet at the dinner table and never takes a shower... in which case ignore everything I just wrote. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 England is INTENSE! Haha that made me laugh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 As far as Pedro it seemed you cut him far far more slack -not shutting things down where I would have thought you would given your stated standards -and I think that was simply because you were far more into him -not because of him meeting your standards of manners. I'm just saying it might serve you well to see where your standards are coming from and whether you are applying them from a positive mindset or from the guilty till proven innocent jaded mindset. You're wrong about Pedro. From MY point of view, I cut Mike far more slack than Pedro even though I wasn't into him as much. Especially after what happened with my birthday, the fact that I kept going out with him and even let things go as far as kissing, was 'cutting slack' for me. With Pedro, the only thing I did was respond and wait for him to come back...I didn't really have anything to complain about re. his character since I hardly knew him...I could only guess. But with Mike...he promised something he never did, he had the opportunity to meet me any time he wanted and he also had the opportunity to turn dating into something more and he didn't do anything about it. Resulting in his last 'attempt' at a date which, I believe, we all remember how it went. So, yeah, I would say that I gave Mike a much bigger chance than Pedro...and much more time, too...we're talking MONTHS. About the jaded mindset, I'm not sure what you mean. Can you explain? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 Unless, of course, she's not telling us about how she picks her nose and/or feet at the dinner table and never takes a shower... in which case ignore everything I just wrote. LMAO...I don't pick anything and I shower twice a day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 The way you describe your interactions with the men you meet/speak with sounds like they are guilty until proven innocent and you are looking for them to mess up or trip up. I agree with the others who have written similar opinions. As far as Pedro's character you had a strong capacity with him (but not with the others) to ignore or give more chances despite the shadiness of his situation/whereabouts/unreliability. In my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 The way you describe your interactions with the men you meet/speak with sounds like they are guilty until proven innocent and you are looking for them to mess up or trip up. I agree with the others who have written similar opinions. What part of my interaction with Anhel so far sounds like I find him 'guilty' of something? As far as Pedro's character you had a strong capacity with him (but not with the others) to ignore or give more chances despite the shadiness of his situation/whereabouts/unreliability. In my opinion. The situation wasn't shady in my eyes. Or his whereabouts. Of course I took his word for where he was but I had no reason to doubt him. What could I have done? Travel to his town to make sure he was where he said he was? As for his unreliability, I gave him the benefit of the doubt because his excuses could very well have been the truth (that he was sick/out of money). After all, we're talking about 2 weekends...not about 2 months. I asked him to stop contacting me less than 3 weeks after our date. I would have done the same for any other guy if I had liked the first date and if he kept contacting me like Pedro did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 We can agree to disagree. Reread your posts from that time about Pedro if you care to. Again I am only reading your descriptions and reactions to these various men. To me the whole way you approached the "I hope Anhel messages me for Name Day" set things up so that you were seeing if he jumped through a particular hoop. All sounds good so far with Anhel - you must be looking forward to Tuesday! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 To me the whole way you approached the "I hope Anhel messages me for Name Day" set things up so that you were seeing if he jumped through a particular hoop. All sounds good so far with Anhel - you must be looking forward to Tuesday! Wishing me a happy name day or not would not make or break anything. I mean, I was glad he messaged me but I wouldn't have considered it 'awful' if he hadn't. I would just make a mental note of the fact that we operate in a different way...either manners-wise (it IS considered good manners over here to wish a happy name day even to strangers) or low interest level..but, certainly, I would wait for the next date/dates before I came up to any conclusion about him...I always give people the benefit of the doubt, Batya, and I'm surprised you don't seem to see it in my posts..maybe it's the way I write. I mean, I would also wonder if maybe he got caught up in something and forgot about it...I wouldn't go 'ok, he didn't call...for sure, he's not interested/he's rude'..I'm not sure if I'm making myself clear. I do pay attention to details but isn't that what dating is about? It's not just about chemistry..it's also about whether you share same values with someone..and, at my age, I'm not looking for just some cute guy to spend some time with. I want a serious relationship with someone I have things in common with...and to me, politeness and showing interest are vital for a LTR. I can live with someone who isn't rich or handsome or extremely educated or very smart..but I can't live with someone who lacks manners or is lukewarm about me. So, yeah, I do notice how men interact with me...how polite and reliable they are, how much they show their interest...I don't think I'm asking for anything outrageous. I wouldn't want Anhel to call me every day, for example. I'm fine with talking to him again on the day of our date. But a small gesture, a text message to wish me a happy name day, is something I appreciate. Again, not a dealbreaker if he hadn't done it..but good that he did it! On other news, go Italy! Eurovision-wise that is Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I completely agree (again) about manners and level of interest. I simply agree with others who have written that I think your standards at some points and the way you apply them to these particular men is unrealistic, too hard on them and too negative (for example someone having to remember your particular schedule -work, nap plus how you in particular treat your cell phone as far as on/off if the person is just calling to say hello or could call an hour later and still have plenty of time to make a plan). I am only going by what you write and it times you seem hypertechnical and hypercritical, just as others here have posted too (so I do feel a bit validated when I write this). Here is what you wrote about Anhel above for example: ."it's just that if he hadn't acknowledged my name day in any way, I would have considered it bad manners or lack of interest. Then in this post you wrote "I mean, I would also wonder if maybe he got caught up in something and forgot about it...I wouldn't go 'ok, he didn't call...for sure, he's not interested/he's rude'..I'm not sure if I'm making myself clear." So in the first post above I would find you going overboard (other than the cultural distinction of name day so maybe not a great example) and in your second opinion below the first, I can understand that totally. I see a significant distinction between your first and second opinions in this particular example. If you go with the first type of assessment generally then I would find you too critical, too guilty till proven innocent. In the second, I get it. And it's interesting how you changed your assessment (hypothetical assessment) in these two posts. I hope that helps! I focused as much as you or more on manners and interest level. That's not at all what I am referring to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 Well, see, it's a journal, so, I don't mention any little thing that goes through my mind...as I would have if I was asking for advice on some particular issue. That's why in one post I seem to be going overboard and then, later, to change my assessment. In reality, I haven't changed anything..it's just that the first time I didn't think it was necessary to add 'or maybe he got caught up in something'...but I would certainly consider that, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Well, see, it's a journal, so, I don't mention any little thing that goes through my mind...as I would have if I was asking for advice on some particular issue. That's why in one post I seem to be going overboard and then, later, to change my assessment. In reality, I haven't changed anything..it's just that the first time I didn't think it was necessary to add 'or maybe he got caught up in something'...but I would certainly consider that, too. I understand and I have the opinion I stated that is also share by others (not that that makes it's right of course!). In the one instance you said you would consider it bad manners and that he wasn't interested and in the second you said you would give him the benefit of the doubt, that he got busy. Two different reactions that I pointed out. I think sometimes you get in your own way with the way you approach things in dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 I don't see how I get in my own way. Whatever I might have thought about Anhel (or had thought about Pedro or Mike or whoever) hasn't affected dating them (or continuing to date them) in any way. I keep my eyes open, yes. But my behaviour to all those guys is exactly the same..friendly, polite and reliable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Yes, but if you do the guilty till proven innocent it can't help but bleed into your interactions with these people and your mindset - and that is despite how intelligent (emotionally and otherwise!) you are. I lived what you have lived through recently with this parade of flakes and jerks and it was hard for me to keep a positive mindset and give people the benefit of the doubt. I completely understand different standards - what I am getting at -but obviously not clearly- is that often I find your mindset too negative, too guilty till proven innocent in how you apply your standards and you look for what obviously seems to be minutae because you are looking for the guy to be rude/not show interest .... and then of course you find it. Maybe it's a problem of typing/journal/context. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Haven't really added anything here that would help anything - but I do want to point out that so far, Miss M has dated men that in the end didn't suit her. I don't think anything she did or said, or thought, sabotaged or hampered any relationship or potential relationship. The men she has spoken about on here were wrong for her in the end. So far, I don't think any of them has 'swept her off her feet'. So, I really don't think anyone can make a judgment call that she's getting in her own way in regards to dating or whatever. Miss M knows who she is and who she wants, and none of the men she has talked about on here had what she was looking for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Haven't really added anything here that would help anything - but I do want to point out that so far, Miss M has dated men that in the end didn't suit her. I don't think anything she did or said, or thought, sabotaged or hampered any relationship or potential relationship. The men she has spoken about on here were wrong for her in the end. So far, I don't think any of them has 'swept her off her feet'. So, I really don't think anyone can make a judgment call that she's getting in her own way in regards to dating or whatever. Miss M knows who she is and who she wants, and none of the men she has talked about on here had what she was looking for. Yes I totally agree. And I see a true risk in passing up good opportunities by coming accross too negative/critical either directly or indirectly. I do not agree that she should change her standards just because she is smitten -but in my view that is how she reacted to Pedro. I think consistent standards (whatever standards work for her) and a positive mindset is a great combo so that even if that limits her dating pool (i.e. she wants someone who knows her work/nap/cellphone schedule right off the bat) at least she is approaching it with an open mind and positively if at all. For example if you go on a date with someone who you are annoyed with for not texting you "happy new year" that is bound to affect the chemistry, spark or potential chemistry/spark. I do not mean to dredge up the HNY example again in an annoying way but it is a good example IMHO. So far I don't think she's passed up anyone great (although I think the Mike dynamic would have been far different from the start if Pedro wasn't infiltrating her mind/thoughts and ringing cellphone at that time) but the risk of doing so or of not experiencing good chemistry because of the negative mindset is very real IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 23, 2015 Author Share Posted May 23, 2015 she wants someone who knows her work/nap/cellphone schedule right off the bat) at least she is approaching it with an open mind and positively if at all. For example if you go on a date with someone who you are annoyed with for not texting you "happy new year" that is bound to affect the chemistry, spark or potential chemistry/spark. We obviously have a communication problem. When on earth did I ever say that I want someone who knows my schedule 'right off the bat'???? Of course, when I tell someone who is in his '50s and understands my language 'tomorrow I won't be free at 3pm', I expect them to understand what I mean! It's not rocket science! Or, expecting someone to know that a teacher couldn't possibly sit and chat on the phone during work hours...also, not rocket science! And how hard is it to remember a phrase like '4 to 5 pm my cell is off because it's when I get my nap'? I remember when someone is busy, I actually ASK 'when is a good time to call?'....so if I am polite and considerate, why shouldn't I be looking for someone who is the same? For example, I've told Anhel I'll call him on Tuesday...and the FIRST thing I asked was 'what time is convenient for you'? And I remember very well what he told me... 'I'll be at the gym from 10 to 12 but any time after that is fine'. Why shouldn't I expect the same from men? Is it THAT hard to remember when someone is free? As for the 'happy new year' text, no, it's not a good example because I did like one of those guys and I kept communicating with him until I realised all he wanted to do was chat online....and that he was still married! So, no, it didn't affect me AT ALL...not the chemistry, not the way I treated them after that incident, nothing. Of course, you're free not to believe me and continue to believe whatever you like Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 I understand that you keep communicating with people you are critical of. I was questioning the initial mindset -see again your two mindsets about Anhel and Name Day and how much more positive one was than the other - in fact basically opposite. I was suggesting that you adopt the more positive of the 2 mindsets in general so that you don't risk coming accross in energy/body language or what you say as inflexible or jaded. I wrote a long detailed post but since you keep focusing on details rather than on general mindset, I'll delete that and re-clarify that I'm talking about mindset, not specific examples. Reread the positive statement you made about Name Day -that's my point, to continue down that path rather than the negative path. If your goal is polite and considerate, try to get an overall picture rather than thinking of it as keeping score "well he did this right, that wrong, this right, that mediocre, etc". You absolutely should look for someone polite and considerate. Of course. It's how you're approaching that evaluation that is problematic IMHO. I realize that there is probably a miscommunication on here between us so I am not being helpful. If you care to you can read the posts by others who have similar opinions to mine or you can choose not to. I hope you have fun on Tuesday and I hope that the call you need to make is simply to confirm the set plan - I've also seen in my dating experiences and yours on here that leaving the details to the last minute triggers just the kind of issues you end up getting concerned about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 23, 2015 Author Share Posted May 23, 2015 I hope that the call you need to make is simply to confirm the set plan It's basically to talk about where we're going to go..since we agreed on the day a while ago, we said we'd decide on Tuesday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 It's basically to talk about where we're going to go..since we agreed on the day a while ago, we said we'd decide on Tuesday. Oh good -all sounds good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 24, 2015 Author Share Posted May 24, 2015 This has nothing to do with dating but as a true Eurovision fan, this is to the fellow European posters. ITALY WAS ROBBED. That. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 24, 2015 Author Share Posted May 24, 2015 Got chatting to a new guy tonight. Nick, 55, a doctor, lives close to me, divorced with 2 older kids and looks ok in his pics..not attractive/not ugly. We exchanged a few messages on the site and then some text messages and he asked me to call him tonight (could be stingy I told him I can't tonight (expecting people over) but if he tells me what time it is convenient for him, I can call him tomorrow...and he goes 'call me in the morning before you leave for work'. I texted back that I have to leave home at 7am! No reply yet. Must be my luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthDallas40 Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 A 55 year-old male doctor expects a woman to call HIM? Dude. link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 24, 2015 Author Share Posted May 24, 2015 He texted back 2 hours later saying 'yes, sweetheart, that's what I mean..call me before you leave home'. Needless to say I'm not going to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 He texted back 2 hours later saying 'yes, sweetheart, that's what I mean..call me before you leave home'. Needless to say I'm not going to. Sweetheart?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.