missmarple Posted May 20, 2015 Author Share Posted May 20, 2015 I don't think I have unreasonable expectations. As I've said again and again I expect nothing more than what I'm willing to give and do give. I've NEVER given up on someone just because he 'called at the wrong time'. Never..so, frankly, I don't know why you keep talking about weeding out people. Even in the happy new year's case (which was a year and a half ago and you, obviously, will never forget it..lol) I talked to those guys again and and nothing came out of it...because one of them was still married and the other one was an idiot. If a guy considers leaving a text message when a cell phone is off 'too much hard work' then, he'd be better off going to a bar and hitting on one of the girls there..that would make things easier for him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 No I didn't forget it because it was so unusual -never heard of someone getting offended or criticizing someone (internally) in that particular situation. I understand you're comfortable with your standards. I don't think you have to return the favor because most people are not going to be as particular as you so it's hypothetical on your part. I am talking about someone who calls you because he forgot the particular time you said to call and leaves a message within a few hours of that time. I think that's fine, you don't. (I think it's a problem if he had to call at a specific time because of a plan you had -where you might be left waiting for him,etc. -I'm talking about calling for a non-urgent reason). You're willing to shrink your dating pool over that and see that as discourteous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 I have to agree with Batya and all of her points here. I keep up with this journal and wonder if some of the expectations are to high. You been online dating for a long time with no real prospects. Sometimes I feel that you are too hard on these guys. And no disrespect at all. I am different and will allow for a few honest mistakes here and there before I give them the boot. Also, a first date and not being smitten is pretty normal for me most of the time. I have to go on a few more dates to see if there is anything there. I sure hope this one is a good prospect and you go on another date to see how it all feels. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Yes, I wanted to add that having written what I did I am delighted you met someone who was thoughtful, interesting and fun to be with for a first meet and I hope you plan a real date and that it is equally as fun if not more so! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 Well, girls, since you agree, let me give you a small challenge Find ONE (seemingly good) prospect where I didn't 'allow for any mistakes' and gave up on (as in stopped communicating with or refused a date with....not just complaining on here!)...let's say in the last 20 pages. Because what I remember is guys being all over the place, flake on me, acting like jerks, not making real plans and I, myself having to insist to even get a time and place for a date...etc, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Just chiming in, I don't recall you've written guys off before because of these minute details. But I think to a degree, you judge men harsher than many other women may do, but of course you are not them and you have your own standards. However I'm not sure what impact that actually has on your interactions with these men or how you perceive things are going. I often find that people get a vibe from others as to how they feel about them, positive and negative. As for your schedule, I think no doubt you have a busy schedule, and you don't want to change plans for someone you just met once or twice. So that does present its own challenges. I do recall reading a lot in this journal about difficulties of trying to make plans with a new prospect, of course many a time it's their schedule too. I think in your position, I'd be a bit more flexible and compromising with scheduling dates (without telling the other person that I may have passed up on a prior engagement that I deem not that important). Before you accuse guys of not doing the same, perhaps some of them have, they just didn't tell you. Anyway all I'm saying is that it's good to have a life and not to schedule your life around a stranger you hardly know, but it also doesn't hurt to be more flexible at times to explore a worthwhile prospect. For me, I'd rather make it happen, and find out in person one way or the other. Maybe afterwards I'd think it's a waste of time and I should have known better, but that way I'd know for sure lol...that's just me anyway! Of course in this instance, since you both know how big an event Eurovision is, I think it's perfectly fine that you schedule a date later because of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 I do try to be flexible when someone behaves like a gentleman and not like an entitled jerk. For example, meeting Anhel at 6pm the other day was very difficult for me. I had been up since 5am and didn't come back home before 4.30..it's exams time and a really busy time for me...but I agreed on 6 because he had said he had a meeting somewhere close to our meeting point and it would be convenient for him. I know that I didn't mention anything about all that but that was because, to me, it was just the polite thing to do and I didn't care that I didn't get any sleep that afternoon. I think what's going on here is that people confuse what I write in this journal (which is mostly stuff I think and wonder about) with how I actually behave to these men. As I've said before, it's not like I go 'oh, he called at the wrong time, ok, I'll write him off'....not at all. It's just stuff that annoys me, not stuff I consider to be a deal-breaker...so, yeah, my actual expectations are not that big...all I want is someone normal, clever enough and polite enough... someone who calls when he says he will and appreciates my time and myself as a person. To me, someone high-maintenance is someone who says 'you know what, it's either 5pm on Monday at so and so place or never'. I should also add that all my friends who know me offline believe the opposite to some of the people here..they believe that I give men too many chances...Mike being the most recent example of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 That's understandable. I often find there are disconnects between what people write on this forum (journal and otherwise) versus what happens and who they are in real life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 On other news, it's my name day today (big European celebration for those who don't know) and I hope Anhel calls or sends a message or something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I think it's fine to share annoyances as long as it doesn't bleed over into your interactions with these men. I agree people should call when they say they will but I also believe in distinguishing on the basis of the reason for the call. So, if the guy says he will call by 4pm Monday just to say hello because you told him your nap/work schedule and instead he calls at 5:30 because he forgot or got caught up in something I think that's ok as long as it's not a constant pattern -but if he was supposed to call at 4pm because you are meeting later that day or that's your last opportunity to confirm a Tuesday plan then yes he should call right around that time. Anhel just met you once so I don't think he will call or message you. If he does of course that's sweet but should not be expected in the least IMO. Happy Name Day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 Anhel just met you once so I don't think he will call or message you. If he does of course that's sweet but should not be expected in the least IMO. Happy Name Day! Glad you were wrong as he just texted me with very warm wishes for the day. I think that's one more cultural difference. I would have definitely messaged him, too, if it was his name day...it's the polite thing to do over here, especially when you want to date someone ...and thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Glad you were wrong as he just texted me with very warm wishes for the day. I think that's one more cultural difference. I would have definitely messaged him, too, if it was his name day...it's the polite thing to do over here, especially when you want to date someone ...and thank you He wants to take you on a first date. To me that's far different from knowing you want to start dating someone. That's why I wrote that I did not think he would but that it would be sweet if he did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 Ok...let me rephrase...when you want to take someone on a first date, it's the polite thing to do over here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 England is INTENSE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Ok...let me rephrase...when you want to take someone on a first date, it's the polite thing to do over here So we agree then -that it was sweet that he did (or "polite" as you put it) but I hope you don't think it would have been impolite of a man you met one time who didn't, or forgot to, or whatever. I'll put it this way- if a man I met once knew it was my birthday a few days after our first meet and didn't text me happy birthday I'd be fine with it - I know I'm not a priority to this person yet in any way as he may have 10 first dates coming up in the next few weeks. If the subject of my birthday came up in conversation after in some way and he didn't then acknowledge it with "hope you had a great birthday!) that would bother me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 So we agree then -that it was sweet that he did (or "polite" as you put it) but I hope you don't think it would have been impolite of a man you met one time who didn't, or forgot to, or whatever. I'll put it this way- if a man I met once knew it was my birthday a few days after our first meet and didn't text me happy birthday I'd be fine with it - I know I'm not a priority to this person yet in any way as he may have 10 first dates coming up in the next few weeks. If the subject of my birthday came up in conversation after in some way and he didn't then acknowledge it with "hope you had a great birthday!) that would bother me. Curious. . had he not wished you happy name day would that have influenced your view of him? and if so how would you have handled that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 So we agree then -that it was sweet that he did (or "polite" as you put it) but I hope you don't think it would have been impolite of a man you met one time who didn't, or forgot to, or whatever. I'll put it this way- if a man I met once knew it was my birthday a few days after our first meet and didn't text me happy birthday I'd be fine with it - I know I'm not a priority to this person yet in any way as he may have 10 first dates coming up in the next few weeks. If the subject of my birthday came up in conversation after in some way and he didn't then acknowledge it with "hope you had a great birthday!) that would bother me. Birthdays and name days are very different things. A Birthday is personal, it's a random date and, sure, someone may forget it (although I wouldn't even if I had just been on one date with someone...as long as I had liked him..lol). A name day is not personal..especially my name day as it's a very common name over here and we had talked about it and what will I do about celebrating etc...so, yeah, if he hadn't messaged me, I would have felt like he wasn't really interested in me. Mike also texted me his wishes and all that. Coincidentally, it's his name day, too (we share the same name...his is male, of course..lol). I texted back wishing him the same Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
petite Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 On other news, it's my name day today (big European celebration for those who don't know) and I hope Anhel calls or sends a message or something. We share a name day! Happy name day to you! I know in some cultures it's more important than even a birthday. Glad he messaged you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Oh sure -if you talked about it a few days ago I can see where it would have been odd if he hadn't messaged you. My one suggestion - focus less on the technical etiquette stuff and more on learning about his broader character, integrity and how he contributes to others whether it's to his family, the community, the world or all of the above - it's easy enough to practice good manners and text someone happy name day, and sure that shows that he is thinking about you - but the other stuff goes beyond technical etiquette and beyond first impression best behavior. If you're going to focus on politeness in the sense you do I'd focus more on how polite he is to the waitstaff at a restaurant or similar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 We share a name day! Happy name day to you! I know in some cultures it's more important than even a birthday. Glad he messaged you. Thank you and happy name day to you, too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 Oh sure -if you talked about it a few days ago I can see where it would have been odd if he hadn't messaged you. My one suggestion - focus less on the technical etiquette stuff and more on learning about his broader character, integrity and how he contributes to others whether it's to his family, the community, the world or all of the above - it's easy enough to practice good manners and text someone happy name day, and sure that shows that he is thinking about you - but the other stuff goes beyond technical etiquette and beyond first impression best behavior. If you're going to focus on politeness in the sense you do I'd focus more on how polite he is to the waitstaff at a restaurant or similar. Of course. How polite is someone is very important to me and I've already witnessed it when we went out. The fact that he texted me doesn't say anything about his character..it's just that if he hadn't acknowledged my name day in any way, I would have considered it bad manners or lack of interest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Of course. How polite is someone is very important to me and I've already witnessed it when we went out. The fact that he texted me doesn't say anything about his character..it's just that if he hadn't acknowledged my name day in any way, I would have considered it bad manners or lack of interest. I can't speak to Name Day because of the cultural distinction. If someone declined a date with me to watch a TV program I would consider it lack of interest (and possibly bad manners, depending). I have gone on dates where we went to a bar to watch a once in a lifetime sporting event live (like the Nancy Kerrigan olympic event in 1994) - even though I think I would have been fine watching at a later time - and I was always fine of course if the man had tickets that night to see a show or some other event live. It sounds a bit like innocent until proven guilty - you meet someone and you are on this intense lookout to see if they mess up in some way, by calling at the wrong time, or not wishing you happy whatever ,etc. I'd go for far more of a balance, because it just requires a negative mindset/intensity that can't help but affect those early interactions/first impressions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 It sounds a bit like innocent until proven guilty - you meet someone and you are on this intense lookout to see if they mess up in some way, by calling at the wrong time, or not wishing you happy whatever ,etc. I'd go for far more of a balance, because it just requires a negative mindset/intensity that can't help but affect those early interactions/first impressions. I don't agree that I'm on some 'intense lookout'. Of course I care about how they interact with me during those first stages because experience has taught me that the kind of behaviour someone exhibits at first is an improved version of what someone is going to be like later on..if we start dating. So, if someone starts off by being inconsiderate, flaky, rude, lukewarm, etc, it's only going to get worse. It's not a negative mindset because, at the same time, I pay attention to their good qualities, too. It's a matter of balance...does the good outweigh the bad? If yes, I continue. With Anhel, so far, I can't complain about anything...and I haven't complained about anything, have I? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I was just suggesting that you recalibrate the balance so that it's not guilty till innocent and focusing more on things other than technical etiquette - technical etiquette is also important of course but you seem to have the pattern as suggested of focusing on the more technical aspects as opposed to the broader aspects (with the exception of Pedro who you continued to be interested in seeing despite the flags/flakiness, etc). It's also how you define "lukewarm" - to a degree that seems to reflect the more guilty till proven innocent mindset than the opposite. As I mentioned, it's hypothetical that you would have to remember the particulars of someone's schedule and cell phone particulars as to the precise time window in which the person can call just to say hello because I doubt that happens much if at all. I'm not saying you wouldn't just that it's harder to relate when you haven't been in the situation. Again you can limit your dating pool as you see fit and I know you've had a hard time with flakes - and you've seen me post every single time that I agreed the person acted in a flaky or jerky way -but please please don't let that jade you so that you're focusing on the minutae to snuff out a slight breach of etiquette if that and declare it to yourself as "bad manners" or "lack of interest". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 But, Batya, if I consider something 'bad manners', I can't just turn a switch off and find it 'not bad manners'. Maybe it IS an issue of cultural differences, after all. Because none of my friends here thinks that I have strict criteria or anything like that. The birthday dinner and lack of gift by Mike being the most telling example of that difference. Everyone told me to give up on him when he didn't get me anything..except people on this forum who come from a different culture and believed that I was exaggerating. Regarding Pedro, it wasn't so much that I continued to be interested in him...it was more that HE kept emailing/calling until I told him not to. How many other guys from this journal do you remember insisting like that? Only Mike and even he only contacted/contacts me every couple of weeks...and he lives here, not 2 hours away! My point is that I don't burn bridges with men unless I'm absolutely sure something isn't going to work out. That's why I think your opinion on my standards is a bit irrelevant...because it doesn't and hasn't affected my dating life in any way so far. I may say 'I think he acts lukewarm' for someone...but I keep communicating and giving chances to prove myself wrong...not my fault I rarely am..lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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