missmarple Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 I woke up from my afternoon nap and found a text message by Lenny...sent at 3pm. You said I should let you know in time, so, are you free this evening? I replied that I just turned my cell on and that I am busy tonight and how about tomorrow. He replied with probably...I'll call you in the morning. If we don't meet tomorrow, I think I'll give up on him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I don't think it's his fault that you didn't receive his message since he told you yesterday he would let you know and he did. If he doesn't call you in the morning then I agree that would show unreliability. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 I don't think it's his fault that you didn't receive his message since he told you yesterday he would let you know and he did. Not yesterday. We talked at 11 this morning. It just seems to me like there's a reason he has to wait for the last minute. Could be wrong, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larkin Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 He loves cats and he told me a sweet story about a stray cat he used to feed and who loved him so much that when she was about to give birth, she went and did it on his knees..lol A guy named Lenny should be tending rabbits, not cats... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Not yesterday. We talked at 11 this morning. It just seems to me like there's a reason he has to wait for the last minute. Could be wrong, though. There might be and it might be family-health related just like you had a family situation the other day (hope all is ok!!). Doesn't have to be scandalous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 There might be and it might be family-health related just like you had a family situation the other day (hope all is ok!!). Doesn't have to be scandalous. All is ok, yes. It's just that he asks me out at 3pm, then he's not sure about tomorrow..I don't know, something doesn't sit right with me...but we'll see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 All is ok, yes. It's just that he asks me out at 3pm, then he's not sure about tomorrow..I don't know, something doesn't sit right with me...but we'll see. You're both trying to arrange a first meet. He is not asking you out yet so if he ever does ask you out then yes he should plan an actual date -this is just a casual meet up (and of course in arranging that he should act reliably). Some people have iffy schedules during the week - and some people nap during the day like you do which is fine but unusual -just saying that a little more flexibility on your part might be in order. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 some people nap during the day like you do which is fine but unusual LOL, no, it's not unusual in my country at all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 LOL, no, it's not unusual in my country at all That's interesting to know! I dated a boy named Lenny when I was a teenager btw. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 I've never dated a Lenny and don't even like the name. I don't know why I thought of it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthDallas40 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Just keep telling yourself -not "can't" but "won't". I am a planner, and am consistent and reliable -even when it has to be tentative I give plenty of warning about that. It takes work but it's worth it to me (and to you I see!). I am fine with last minute plans but not as fine with keeping times open for people who would prefer to be tentative. If a person is not willing to put in the effort to make a one hour plan, and stick to it other than in an emergency than either be forewarned about what your relationship will be like with this person (especially once you start trying to include others in your plans) or cut your losses and move on. Totally agree. If a guy is leaving plans up-in-the-air, why not take the initiative, tell him you don't like fuzzy plans and push to finalize things while he's on the phone or give a hard and fast deadline? Granted, I'm sure you want a guy to take the initiative himself. But perhaps this approach would give some guys the message that they need to step up their game. And if they don't... then you're well rid of them! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthDallas40 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 And oh - Miss M, like you, I'm not fond of LENNY's last-minute "planning" attempts either. Totally lame IMO. But you may be giving him mixed signals yourself. First you said: I'm free today but can't guarantee about tomorrow Then, most likely in trying to be accommodating when you received his last-minute text, you told him this: I am busy tonight and how about tomorrow. As flaky as LENNY may be, I think you can see that after this exchange he might be seeing YOU as the flake, despite his last-minute planning attempt. Just playing devil's advocate here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 Well, I WAS free at 11 am but that's 4 hours before he finally decided to ask! I don't see how it's a mixed signal..people usually do make plans before 3pm..at least, I do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthDallas40 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Well, I WAS free at 11 am but that's 4 hours before he finally decided to ask! I don't see how it's a mixed signal..people usually do make plans before 3pm..at least, I do. Oh I'm totally with you. But put yourself in LENNY's flaky, spur-of-the-moment shoes. How do you think HE would interpret it? Sometimes the difference between a date or a cancellation is understanding how the OTHER person works, and subtly adjusting your usual behavior (within reason, of course) to get the result you want. That's all I'm suggesting here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I agree with ND...you said at 11 that you were free that day...but not the next. So at 3...which is the middle of the afternoon for me...to ask you out for that eve. To me that's no big deal! Another 4 hours to get ready! Maybe he needed 4 hours to think/plan/find out if HE was free, and what he could plan for you two to do!!! So then when you said NOPE...BUSY....4 hours ONLY after you said you were free??? wth? And then you said maybe tomorrow...when you just said 4 hrs earlier that you WEREN'T free?? Hahahaha...he probably thinks you're the flake for sure. I've talked to guys in the eve. and said....hey how about tonite....like in an HOUR! I've even met them in the LATE, LATE eve. and caught the final set of a band. Life is too short not to jump in last min. to enjoy a little fun! I don't get how at 11 you weren't busy...but at 3 you were. Explain. Cuz if i was a guy...i would be shaking my head.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I avoided last minute plans for first meets and first dates because I didn't want the first impression to be that I was available last minute or could be routinely afterthought girl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 You would be shaking your head if someone made plans for an evening...in 4 hours? Are you serious? It's 4 hours, not 4 minutes!!! What's to explain? A friend called me at noon and asked if I was free for coffee. Second, I didn't tell him I wouldn't be free tomorrow...I said I couldn't guarantee it (because the friend who called at noon, had said we might meet tomorrow)...so, since he didn't suggest to meet tonight, I went ahead and told my friend I was free when she called...thus, leaving tomorrow free. And, frankly, I don't understand what exactly you're blaming me for. You're acting as if I HAD to keep my evening free tonight JUST IN CASE he decided to ask me out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I would've been more direct and told him, just turned cell on and saw your message, sorry I ended up making other plans earlier this afternoon so won't be available tonight. Will be free tomorrow though. Clearly letting him know that a/ you're not a flake pretending to not have seen his message earlier or pretending to be busy, and b/ he didn't make plans in an appropriate timeframe is why you are not available, so try better next time buddy. If he's interested he'd know to make plans earlier for the following day. While you certainly don't owe him an explanation, I don't think it's unreasonable to provide a brief explanation of what happened and give him a chance to step up and demonstrate he is interested and can indeed make plans, rather than just saying no I'm busy. I feel like you're making things extra hard by giving responses like that (even granted the fact that he didn't make plans earlier as you would prefer). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I agree with notalady! I would have said also....since you didn't say for SURE that you would see me tonite...i made a coffee date tonite with a gf. We thought maybe we'd do it tomorrow...but are doing it tonite. Now that frees me up tomorrow if you have the time... I give reasons...and answers...and communicate my why's, yes's and no's... But then again....not dating either.... But I've only had 30 meets in 3 years.....lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I'm up to anything last min. I called a guy friend last night as i was backing out of the driveway....saying...hey i'm going to a movie...want me to pick you up??? lol It was a chick flick so he politely declined.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I'm up to anything last min. I called a guy friend last night as i was backing out of the driveway....saying...hey i'm going to a movie...want me to pick you up??? lol It was a chick flick so he politely declined.... Me too -with people I already know/am friends with. I didn't do that with people I barely knew and wanted to date or have the opportunity to date more than once or twice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I agree with notalady! I would have said also....since you didn't say for SURE that you would see me tonite...i made a coffee date tonite with a gf. We thought maybe we'd do it tomorrow...but are doing it tonite. Now that frees me up tomorrow if you have the time... I give reasons...and answers...and communicate my why's, yes's and no's... But then again....not dating either.... But I've only had 30 meets in 3 years.....lol Just to clarify, I wouldn't go to that extent of explanation and wouldn't recommend doing so. For a guy you've never met, you don't owe him that much detail about why you made other plans, with who, and how you came to that decision. It's none of his concern. And especially not the fact that whether if it's with a gf or friend or a date. He need not know the nature of my plans. I also would not say "because you didn't confirm that's why I made other plans" as if my plans are dependent on his schedule. My point was more delivering the message that, my schedule was free to make plans, someone did (implication being you didn't), so now I'm not free. But I'll be free tomorrow if you want to try again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophie274 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I like to read both ND and missmarple's journals - and it's quite striking how often missmarple's potential first meets flake or disappear before a plan is finalized, and how much scheduling and rescheduling and chasing there is. I know they're dating worlds away, but it's a big difference in their experiences. Missmarple, I think you really need to start putting your foot down, and just refuse to make these loose, tentative, last-minute plans with guys. I think you can make it clear that it's either "7 PM on Friday at Jack's Cafe for a hot chocolate" or "let me know when you're free and can set a time to meet". If a guy says, like Lenny, that he'll call in a bit to finalize a plan for tonight, simply say that won't work, and let's set a firm plan for a few days from now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I do agree with that as well, I like to make plans a couple of days in advance, so wouldn't have agreed to suggestion to meet today anyway, especially as seen in this instance where you take naps and by the time you see the message, you have little notice to get ready, or you've made other plans. So may as well just have said not free today or tomorrow (since you had tentative plans for either day), how about such and such day? If he can't lock in a date, then too bad. I do recall the topic of last minute plans being discussed before though, some are for it, some are against lol... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthDallas40 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Just to clarify, I wouldn't go to that extent of explanation and wouldn't recommend doing so. I agree, and I'm sure Miss M feels the same way. Overexplaining like that is tiresome, unnecessary, a bit desperate-sounding (no offense, realitynut!) and decreases the "mystery." Just say when you're available and when you're not - no reason to go into the "why." I like to read both ND and missmarple's journals - and it's quite striking how often missmarple's potential first meets flake or disappear before a plan is finalized, and how much scheduling and rescheduling and chasing there is. I know they're dating worlds away, but it's a big difference in their experiences. I think part of that is because I'm the man, I'm supposed to take the initiative, and I do. Miss M is at a disadvantage because women don't typically take the initiative, and/or don't enjoy having to do so when the man doesn't. But in Miss M's case, it may be worth her pushing things a bit to get these guys to make a firmer commitment to plans so everyone isn't left hanging. Take my latest experience with EXENE. Last night we discussed hiking this coming weekend, but she wanted to wait to confirm until Friday. I told her that was later than I prefer, told her why, and she agreed to confirm today, which she did. I also said I wanted to meet at 9am instead of 8am, and outlined a plan for the day. She accepted all of those terms. If I hadn't been firm about the plans, though, I'd be waiting another 2 days to see if she even was able to go. No thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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