Batya33 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 That's true...except he's retired. So -he might have work to do at home for all you know - you should assume people have busy lives whether they work or not - it's fine if your schedule is restricted today to a 3-hour window and also fine if he cannot accommodate your schedule today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Yeah, I guess...I just haven't had this trouble talking to a guy before..especially someone who's retired..and I understand that he might not have been able to call...but not even to text? I don't know...maybe I'm overthinking things but, so far, his behaviour doesn't make sense to me and I don't like things that I can't explain. For example, I texted him that he can call me after 7 and what he did was send me a wink on the site...at 7. He's busy again? Busy in the morning, busy in the afternoon, busy in the evening..he must be one of the busiest retired people around! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I generally think if he wants to make time for you, he will. Yes I get that people have busy lives and jobs. Retired people can be busy too but if he's basically unreachable most of the time and cant' even text and it's like that all the time, yeah, something is up. Probably has a wife. Sorry to keep saying that, LOL, but that was always my experience. For the record, my father is a professional who works like 80 hours a week both at his workplace and at home. When my mother or I need to reach him, he will either pick up right away or if he can't (meeting, work, etc) then we hear back within the hour. Like I said, if someone wants to make time for someone, they will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Yeah, I guess...I just haven't had this trouble talking to a guy before..especially someone who's retired..and I understand that he might not have been able to call...but not even to text? I don't know...maybe I'm overthinking things but, so far, his behaviour doesn't make sense to me and I don't like things that I can't explain. For example, I texted him that he can call me after 7 and what he did was send me a wink on the site...at 7. He's busy again? Busy in the morning, busy in the afternoon, busy in the evening..he must be one of the busiest retired people around! Or maybe you are making assumptions about what it means to be retired and this is one day -maybe he had something or someone to take care of and didn't have time for a convo but did have time to send a wink. If I didn't know you I'd be very surprised that you nap in the afternoon since that is not typical among my peers (you and I are approximately the same age) but I wouldn't assume that since you got home from work at a certain time that you were available to talk in the afternoon. You seem to have rigid ideas about people's schedules and lifestyles but yet are surprised when someone can't call you on a particular day during a particular 3-hour time span. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I generally think if he wants to make time for you, he will. Yes I get that people have busy lives and jobs. Retired people can be busy too but if he's basically unreachable most of the time and cant' even text and it's like that all the time, yeah, something is up. Probably has a wife. Sorry to keep saying that, LOL, but that was always my experience. For the record, my father is a professional who works like 80 hours a week both at his workplace and at home. When my mother or I need to reach him, he will either pick up right away or if he can't (meeting, work, etc) then we hear back within the hour. Like I said, if someone wants to make time for someone, they will. Yes that is true but he might be like me where if he can't have a sufficient block of undistracted time to talk he'd rather wait till he does with a new person but if his sibling called and wanted to chat he'd call back right away because he would know he talks and shaves at the same time, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Or maybe you are making assumptions about what it means to be retired and this is one day -maybe he had something or someone to take care of and didn't have time for a convo but did have time to send a wink. If I didn't know you I'd be very surprised that you nap in the afternoon since that is not typical among my peers (you and I are approximately the same age) but I wouldn't assume that since you got home from work at a certain time that you were available to talk in the afternoon. You seem to have rigid ideas about people's schedules and lifestyles but yet are surprised when someone can't call you on a particular day during a particular 3-hour time span. This is one day..2 days ago was yet another day when he couldn't talk (lunch, loss of signal, etc). It's not that I have rigid ideas...it's that, from experience, guys who couldn't even find time to talk, couldn't find time to meet, either. This is a guy who, when I told him we should meet, said he'd rather we talked on the phone a couple times first...and yet it seems like he hardly has time to talk on the phone! By the way, I wasn't surprised he couldn't call..I was surprised he couldn't even text...I could and I was at work. And if he could wink, why couldn't he text or call? Where is he? In jail? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I understand you are on high alert for flakes. I can relate! I thought you had told men in the past you preferred to email back and forth before talking on the phone, right? I still think you're making far too many assumptions about a stranger and what kind of free time he has that coincides with your schedule. Give him a chance to make a time to meet -if he is unreliable about that, then certainly move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 I am giving him a chance...all this is just my thoughts, it has nothing to do with whether I'm giving him a chance or not...and I am making assumptions which I'll be happy to be proven wrong..or, rather, I'm not making assumptions - I can't imagine what's up with him..I just feel something is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Everyone has their own habits. For me, it is simplest if I look at the action itself, rather than associate meaning to an action. I tell people: I stay off the phone, because of how I live. I have very little privacy and almost no time alone. I spent last weekend alone for the entire weekend, and didn't call anyone. Not my bf, not my best friends, nobody. Had no desire to talk to anyone. Being alone was glorious. I would respond to a text, a little bit only, because it doesn't pierce the bubble the same way, but not call. People have all kinds of reasons for not being on the phone, and we aren't entitled to know what they are. A person could be in/at a long tennis match, at the movies, getting an endoscopy, mentoring a child, taking a nap, having quiet time alone, entertaining out of town guests -- all reasons to stay off the phone until much later, and that might not come up in early conversations. Fudgie gave the example of her father finding a way to be accessible. By contrast, my father hung up on me as a child, when I called home. He heard a child's voice, said I wasn't home, and hung up. The phone isn't his thing (ya think?). My long way of getting to the point: Beware of assigning meaning to one's actions. Best to say (to yourself): I like it better when someone is more responsive by telephone, and leave it at that. A habit of making these kinds of statements to ourselves makes it easier for us to tell people how we want to be treated, and it makes it safer for them to feel that their behavior won't be subject to misjudgment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Yes and the issue is when you start from that kind of critical mindset it can taint the conversation or overwhelm it so you're searching for what's off about him rather than actually getting to know him. Not just him -anyone. I know you've been flaked on a lot -I know how annoying and stressful that can be -it's hard to start with a clean slate but it's in your best interests to do so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 How can I get to know someone when I can't even talk to him on the phone and he doesn't want to meet? All I've known from him so far (apart from one 'normal' phonecall) is 'can't talk, lost signal', 'can't talk, out for lunch', 'can't call before 5', 'couldn't call but I will when you can' (I tell him when I can, he sends a wink). Are you girls really telling me that you don't see something off about this guy? Am I that paranoid? lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick974 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 For an active or hyperactive person still working, Fudgie said it best. For a retiree however, unless you're in the theather, at a restaurant, at the pool or at church (and most likely not doing all those in a day--everyday), you have really no excuses not to call someone. He is maybe hiding something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 How can I get to know someone when I can't even talk to him on the phone and he doesn't want to meet? All I've known from him so far (apart from one 'normal' phonecall) is 'can't talk, lost signal', 'can't talk, out for lunch', 'can't call before 5', 'couldn't call but I will when you can' (I tell him when I can, he sends a wink). Are you girls really telling me that you don't see something off about this guy? Am I that paranoid? lol It's only been a few days so I wouldn't jump to these assumptions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 For an active or hyperactive person still working, Fudgie said it best. For a retiree however, unless you're in the theather, at a restaurant, at the pool or at church (and most likely not doing all those in a day--everyday), you have really no excuses not to call someone. He is maybe hiding something. Again with the assumptions. Retired people do volunteer work, care for elderly relatives, have medical appointments, might take other people to medical appointments, might work from home managing their investments, etc. Meanwhile, there are many people who work in an office who have a lot of time to talk -they're not busy, or their schedule is unpredictable so they get projects at 5pm and then work all night - or they can talk while getting work done. And of course some people really cherish their free time and alone time. Of course if someone agrees to call you at a specific time then he should or she should or have a legitimate excuse for not doing so -whether working or otherwise. That becomes unreliable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 The thing is - when you're getting to know someone, and potential 'date' this person - you make the time to talk to them. I don't care how busy you are - you don't NOT glance down at your phone at least once every couple hours (and that's erring on the side of caution, because I KNOW you all look at your phone several times a day at the very least). It literally takes 20 seconds to type out a nice "Hey, how are you? Just wanting to let you know I'm thinking of ya! Dinner on Friday night?" And then the date can be used to talking more in depth, if the person really is as busy as they say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick974 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 It literally takes 20 seconds to type out a nice "Hey, how are you? Just wanting to let you know I'm thinking of ya! Dinner on Friday night?" This. You answered to Batya for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Ultimately, perhaps MM just wants someone is more reachable. True, retired people can be busy too. However, if he's routinely going for multiple hours, not able to call/text back at all when she texts him, and this is going on, then either something is going on or maybe he's just too busy for her liking and she would like to go for someone who can contact her more. I have to wonder though, what's the point of being on a dating site when you're just so busy that you can't really have a meaningful exchange with someone for days? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Well, here's what happened (ala Mr Monk..lol) Lenny called at 9pm. I was on the phone (homeline) and I told him I'll call him back in 2 minutes. He goes 'oh, the thing is I'm about to meet some friends..but, ok, call me'. I called him back...I could hear noise, etc (and could hardly hear his voice). I asked him why, if he was meeting friends at 9, he didn't call me earlier, from home..he said 'well, I know you work, etc, you might have wanted to rest'...I told him 'but I had texted you that I can talk after 7 and now it's 9'...and he said he never got that message (so, it was quite the coincidence that he sent that wink at exactly 7) and he just happened to call now. Anyway, I let it go and just told him that we couldn't have a conversation under the circumstances (still could hardly hear him from all the noise) and asked if he has a home phone. He said he doesn't (wow, what a surprise). So, I said 'ok, can you give me a time when you're at home and we can talk properly?' and he said sure, call me tomorrow at 2pm...and if something comes up and I can't talk, I'll text you before 2. Oh, and he said that this morning he was at the bank to pay some bills (makes you wonder how long it took him!) Every time I talk to this guy, there's something that makes me go 'something is wrong'. Tomorrow will be the last time. If, again, he has to go out, can't talk, can't whatever, I'm giving up on him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick974 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I have to wonder though, what's the point of being on a dating site when you're just so busy that you can't really have a meaningful exchange with someone for days? Having online dating since 2004, the dumbest excuse I ever heard was "I dont have money" for what... $10 theater ticket ? Duh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 ""I have to wonder though, what's the point of being on a dating site when you're just so busy that you can't really have a meaningful exchange with someone for days?"" Online dating gets a whole lot easier when we recognize that there are a majority of people on there just for kicks. They have no intention of meeting you and are probably otherwise taken or just plain bored. This is their version of a video game. . Accept that you are bound to bump into them, learn to spot them and cut them lose. This way you don't allow them to waste your time and you don't spend valuable time and emotion on someone who will leave you disillusioned and jaded. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 MM, As I've posted here earlier, sometimes I have personally disagreed with you on some of your dating methods when meeting men but I definitely believe in the power of your gut. If you genuinely have a bad gut feeling about this guy time and time again, don't pursue it. I think many people ignore their gut or try to rationalize it. I am guilty of that as well. It has bit me in the butt later. Yes, I think it's weird. Weird noises, can't be contacting you regularly at all, can't talk for long, long stretches of no contact, no home line. Geez. Sounds like he has someone else!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Oh, I forgot. He also informed me that the next 3 evenings he'll be going out with friends because he'll be watching football. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 He doesn't sound like he wants to put any effort into finding a relationship - and if he happens to land someone, that person will be doing all the work! I'd toss this fish back, mm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 John messaged me on the site. We talked for a few, then I said I had to go and he said you're not leaving before you tell me when we can meet. I would have said something like 'if you really wanted so badly to see me, you would have called and asked and wouldn't expect to randomly meet me on the site'....however, my good self prevailed and I said I'm free tomorrow...then we got into a debate about how long I'll stay and, finally, agreed on 6.30...and this time I chose the place, it's in my neighbourhood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Lenny does sound like something's wrong with him, couldn't find the time to talk multiple times and always outside when he talks to you? That's weird. Either way it's too much effort for someone you haven't even met yet, I'd leave it. Good work not telling John off haha... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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