faraday Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I get wanting someone to plan things in advance (I'm the same way), but being flexible sometimes can lead to opportunities that wouldn't otherwise happen. He's taken you out in three (?) dates so far, and he's planning a fourth (chocolate)...so why not be a bit flexible if you can as long as he's still planning most dates in advance? I know it's too late now...but maybe for next time? I mean, you'll let guys not confirm a date until the day of (which would drive me crazy, but I give you props for being able to do that ), but yet, won't be flexible in this regard at all. Idk maybe it's just me that sees it like this...I just...appreciate flexibility in a partner (who doesn't?) so I try to be flexible on things that aren't big in the grande scheme. *shrugs* it seems to work out pretty good. Might be worth a shot in some instances? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie2006 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 What's great about emailing someone at 4pm to ask them to go out at 7? All that makes me think of is 'I was bored and thought, hey, let's email missmaprle to see what she's up to and if she's free tonight'..which is fine when it's a friend but not when it's a guy I'm dating. I HAVE let him know even before our first date that I hate last minute invites and that I'm not on the pc all day long...actually, it was a matter of luck that I was on the pc at 4pm...I'm usually in bed long before that...and he knows that, too. I have very few 'rules', in my opinion. Basically, I have one rule: treat me like a woman, not like one of your buddies. Well, "treating you like a woman" is somewhat vague, no? A lot could fall under that umbrella. Also, asking you 3 hours prior may be in bad form but since you guys have been out a couple times and have talked on the phone/emailed several times (and with consistency), he could have thought a) you know he doesn't think of you simply as a buddy (via the flirty texts) and b) he feels comfortable with you to ask you at the last minute and believes (wrongly) that you wouldn't misunderstand his interest in you as someone he wants to date. (On a side note, you're in bed by 4in the afternoon??!! Is that for a nap??) The fact that even after I didn't reply to his email, he didn't bother to call convinced me I was right not to reply to his email. Because (and I'm sure you'll agree on this), if you really want to see someone, you don't just send an email...you call because you want to make sure that the other person did get your invite! Well, since you didn't reply, he probably thought you were busy and didn't call bc after all it was an impromptu invite. All of this is speculation of course and maybe it is an indication of John's bad (?) manners. But considering how he planned for the other dates and how he is consistent about keeping in touch, maybe you can cut him some slack on this one? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 I can be flexible, depending on the circumstances. I'll explain: if someone works long hours and he tells me 'I'm not sure I'll be off work early enough to meet but I'll let you know by, say, 4pm'...that will be ok. If someone has to visit his kids and says something similar..again, I won't mind if he confirms or even asks me out on the same day. But, when someone doesn't have to work, has no kids and no other obligations and, still, he asks me out at the last minute and not even by phone but by email (when he knows that I don't get emails on my phone and it's a matter of luck if I see his email or not)..then, I see no reason at all to be flexible. If this guy was my long-term b/f or a friend, I wouldn't have such a problem with it. But when we've only been on 3 dates, I need to know he's interested enough to make the effort...if we consider a phone call effort!..and he needs to know that it's not like any time he feels like 'hanging out', I'll be up for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie2006 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Agree w/ Faraday ... Also the apologetic email he sent leads me to believe that he thought you two had established enough rapport for a last minute invite to hang out and a very flirty text masked as a joke ... I know you two aren't there yet but if he was your bf, wouldn't his last minute invite to hang out been acceptable? Maybe he just skipped a couple of steps? Maybe you need to reiterate that you'd like to be courted more traditionally?? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 Well, "treating you like a woman" is somewhat vague, no? A lot could fall under that umbrella. In this istance, it's the difference between asking you out on a date and sending a last minute email. A woman you're interested in, you don't ask out at the last minute because you want to make sure she will be free..and you call to make sure..you don't 'assume' that she will receive your email. On a side note, you're in bed by 4in the afternoon??!! Is that for a nap??) Yes, I always have a nap in the afternoon until about 5pm..sometimes earlier, sometimes later, it depends. Well, since you didn't reply, he probably thought you were busy and didn't call bc after all it was an impromptu invite. He could have texted. He had no reason at all to assume I'd be on the pc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 Agree w/ Faraday ... Also the apologetic email he sent leads me to believe that he thought you two had established enough rapport for a last minute invite to hang out and a very flirty text masked as a joke ... I know you two aren't there yet but if he was your bf, wouldn't his last minute invite to hang out been acceptable? Maybe he just skipped a couple of steps? Maybe you need to reiterate that you'd like to be courted more traditionally?? If that's the case, he didn't skip 'a couple of steps'...he skipped 20 steps or more! Going from flirting to assuming I'll treat him like my bf is a huge leap. He hadn't even said he liked me before tonight..just a few compliments here and there..and I've certainly told him nothing of the sort. He has no idea how I feel or what I think about him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I don't think it's traditional courting to make advance plans - it's just "dating" and "common sense" -the only reason an established couple doesn't need advance plans that often is because they know they're going to spend most of their free time together. Still my husband and I make advance plans if it's out of the routine and certainly before we lived together we did. I declined many last minute offers for dates when I was dating especially if they were for weekend dates. I didn't feel I gave up on opportunities because it wouldn't be an opportunity for me if I was with someone who thought of me more as an afterthought. 99% of the time the person asked me out again and in advance. I never felt like I missed out on a potentially great guy because I declined a last minute invitation. I made exceptions of course -last minute tickets or other circumstances where there was no way he could have asked me out in advance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 Mike called me from the hospital. His mum was admitted again today. Apparently, she has bronchitis and problems with her breathing again. We talked for about 10 minutes, he asked how my weekend was, I asked about his, I told him I hope his mum gets better soon and then I told him I have to go and that was that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I'm actually with MM on this one. You teach people how to treat you and they are just not far along enough for a last minute casual "hey wanna hang out?" type deal. Way too early for that. At the same time, recognize that he is free to test the waters or even get a bit eager. There is nothing wrong with that part. In fact it's good that he wants to see you more rather than less. So maybe don't paint that part black. He is free to ask, you are free to be unavailable. No harm either way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I agree with MM on this one, I don't like guys asking me out last minute in the very early stage of dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I feel the same way...with a bf it's different. But early on, it's offputting. Because you don't know the person well enough to know their intentions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Yes. One guy (who was already an acquaintence/friend) did that to me. I rejected all his last minute date requests (some of them was to come to his place and watch a TV show we both liked! Really? This how you pursue a woman you are interested in - by asking her to come to your place for a first date?). Guys who do that make me feel like he's not respecting my time nor take me very seriously. So..nope, next! An exception to last min planning that is acceptsble to me is only when it is genuinely spontaneous. Eg Bf and I first scheduled a first date for the following Wednesday, but while we were texting on the Saturday about a movie he's going to see on Sunday, he asked if I would be interested in seeing it with him (clearly because he couldn't wait to see me) and I said yes. Technically not "last minute" since it's not on the day, but my usual dates do involve more advance notice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Maybe it's different for me because I'm a single parent. My daughters friends parents often take her for playdates spur of the moment...and if previous bfs had been insistent that we plan things in advance, we would have had far fewer dates. I guess....I don't mind if a guy wants to see me in between dates, as long as he keeps planning some out in advance. I think it shows that he likes me...because he can't wait to see me before our scheduled date. *shrugs* Different view points. We all do what works for us Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Maybe it's different for me because I'm a single parent. My daughters friends parents often take her for playdates spur of the moment...and if previous bfs had been insistent that we plan things in advance, we would have had far fewer dates. I guess....I don't mind if a guy wants to see me in between dates, as long as he keeps planning some out in advance. I think it shows that he likes me...because he can't wait to see me before our scheduled date. *shrugs* Different view points. We all do what works for us I would agree that if it just seems like they just can't wait to see you (and especially when you already have a date scheduled) then that's fine. In MM's case though, it seems like the guy is just bored and wanted company. When she wasn't available, he found someone else to hang out with instead. I think it's too early in the dating stage to be doing that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I would agree that if it just seems like they just can't wait to see you (and especially when you already have a date scheduled) then that's fine. In MM's case though, it seems like the guy is just bored and wanted company. When she wasn't available, he found someone else to hang out with instead. I think it's too early in the dating stage to be doing that. I agree with this distinction. I also think it's different if the woman, a single parent, tells the guy in advance that she has that kind of spur of the moment situation so that when he is calling her spur of the moment it is to accommodate her schedule (or lack of schedule). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I would agree that if it just seems like they just can't wait to see you (and especially when you already have a date scheduled) then that's fine. In MM's case though, it seems like the guy is just bored and wanted company. When she wasn't available, he found someone else to hang out with instead. I think it's too early in the dating stage to be doing that. He was still emailing her though while he was out...so he was probably with a guy friend. Would it have made a difference if because she hadn't responded, he sat at home and did nothing? (curious) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 He was still emailing her though while he was out...so he was probably with a guy friend. Would it have made a difference if because she hadn't responded, he sat at home and did nothing? (curious) No not at all -I wouldn't assume that someone who is at home is doing nothing or passively sitting - I'm not sure why in general that is a typical assumption (not just your comment!). Or maybe he went out on his own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 No not at all -I wouldn't assume that someone who is at home is doing nothing or passively sitting - I'm not sure why in general that is a typical assumption (not just your comment!). Or maybe he went out on his own. Did you read the post I quoted? She said that it just seemed like he was looking for company since he ended up going out with someone else...so I responded, would it have indicated more interest if he stayed home? Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 He was still emailing her though while he was out...so he was probably with a guy friend. Would it have made a difference if because she hadn't responded, he sat at home and did nothing? (curious) Interesting question, it would have given a different perception to me, and that's all it is at the moment, perception rather than facts (ie we don't know if he was interested in seeing her specifically or just bored and wanted company). Actually re reading his email as MM told us and saw a detail that I missed before, and correct me if I interpreted incorrectly, he said he was out but didn't say he's with someone, he could be out buying groceries or running errands for all we know, or out by himself. MM assumed he's found someone to go out with. At this point we don't know if he was genuinely keen to see MM, or just wanted company, and shouldnt assume either way. All we know is he asked for a last min date and MM doesn't like that (rightly so). If he picked up on this and schedule a date in advance next time, then I would "forgive" (for the lack of a better word) and forget this incident all together. Also to me, if he had said "hey I know this is last minute but would you be interested in going to see this movie/visit this museum/check out this cool bar/restaurant with me?" Ie propose a specific activity, I would have been more receptive to accepting the invitation, as it just seems spontaneous rather than boredom or feel like I was an after thought. While the way John initially asked her "what are you doing tonight? Let's meet" comes accross as boredom / afterthought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Did you read the post I quoted? She said that it just seemed like he was looking for company since he ended up going out with someone else...so I responded, would it have indicated more interest if he stayed home? Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Sure, if he called her after the fact and told her he stayed home because if he couldn't see her he didn't want to go out with anyone that would indicate that he lacks basic common sense (if she found that sincere) -if you want to see someone that badly, you make sure they are available by making plans in advance or at the very least contacting the person in the best way you know to reach the person. Especially if you don't really know the person and know their lifestyle/schedule. Sorry if I misinterpreted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 he said he was out but didn't say he's with someone, he could be out buying groceries or running errands for all we know, or out by himself. MM assumed he's found someone to go out with. That's true, I don't know where he was or what he was doing, just that he was out..and, no, of course it wouldn't make a difference if he had said he's at home. Also, I agree that if his suggestion was specific ('I know it's last minute but I was just reading about this movie and thought you might like to go see it if you're free'), it would be a different story...and, most of all, the fact that he just sent an email and didn't bother to call, says 'if I happen to find you online, ok...if not, ok again'..not very flattering, is it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Lenny (the phone guy) texted me this morning saying have a nice day and warm wishes and stuff. I texted back good morning and, since he had told me yesterday to let him know when I'm free to talk on the phone again, I said that I was free to talk if he was. 3 hours later, no reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Lenny texted me that he couldn't call and what time can he call tonight...I told him he can call after 7pm. I still feel something is off with this guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Lenny texted me that he couldn't call and what time can he call tonight...I told him he can call after 7pm. I still feel something is off with this guy. I would think many people cannot talk during a workday -a 3 hour window is fairly short -nice of him to tell you he couldn't and to try to reschedule. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 I would think many people cannot talk during a workday -a 3 hour window is fairly short -nice of him to tell you he couldn't and to try to reschedule. That's true...except he's retired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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