missmarple Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 You crack me up MM! I've had guys come back years later wanting to pick right up again where we left off. 2 weeks is nothing! Well, if he tries to 'pick right up again', of course, I'll tell him. Otherwise, I don't see why I should tell someone who tells me 'I'll visit my mum, so, let's have a cup of coffee' that he's just a friend to me. From his actions, that's exactly how he sees things between us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I thought at first he asked when he could see you again - sounds like he was willing to put in extra effort? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 No, Batya, he wasn't. His first suggestion was that I should go to his restaurant (where he would be, anyway, on Saturday) and his second one was to meet tomorrow 'since he will come over here to visit his mum'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 BUT....he also was hoping he was going to see you at that singles event/or bar....last week! He went cuz he thought you would be there. It's been 10 days. You can look at it as just over a week...or you can look at it as TWO WEEKS...like you then changed it too. Sorta glass half full/half empty sort of thing. I think he has shown interest in you ....and has kept in continual contact with you...for these past TEN DAYS! If it would have been Pedro...you'd be thrilled. Since it's only MIKE....eh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthDallas40 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I'll admit I haven't followed every in and out of the MIKE situation, but my cursory reading is this: he's still interested in Miss M but - whether she intended it or not - feels like he's getting mixed signals, so his behavior towards her is tentative. Or maybe he's dating other people and Miss M is simply part of the rotation. In any case, in Miss M's position I would decide for myself if I liked MIKE enough to pursue a relationship, and act accordingly. In other words, if I wasn't interested, I wouldn't see MIKE again even just as friends. Both of you have enough friends that this confusing & frustrating relationship can be easily sacrificed to avoid wasting anybody's time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 If it would have been Pedro...you'd be thrilled. Since it's only MIKE....eh. I wouldn't be 'thrilled' with any guy who first said he liked me and then didn't ask me to meet in 10 days..be it Pedro, Mike or Brad Pitt himself (and I'm a huge fan)..and, frankly, I'm tired of people comparing my reaction to Pedro to my reaction to Mike and assuming all sorts of things. Pedro was also contacting me, you know...and it was less than 3 weeks since we had met when I cut him off...and he did live 2 hrs away and he did have to go to work daily..which Mike does not. Not to mention that I never paid for Pedro's dinner and he never promised to get me a gift which he conveniently forgot. Before Mike all but disappeared, things were going very well between us...it was his choice to stay away..and, combined with the gift thing, it was what made me make my decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 I'll admit I haven't followed every in and out of the MIKE situation, but my cursory reading is this: he's still interested in Miss M but - whether she intended it or not - feels like he's getting mixed signals, so his behavior towards her is tentative. I am the one who got mixed signals, not him. You tell a woman you like her, she tells you I hadn't thought about you that way but we'll see what happens. You go out twice after that conversation and you're holding hands and she kisses you goodnight...and then you take 10 days before you ask her out again 'since you'll go see your mum'. Who's the one sending mixed signals here??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 On other news, John emailed me asking where I am and we emailed a bit back and forth. He said he's not feeling very well (got a cold or something) but asked me when I'm free to meet and we agreed on Friday. I told him I'll call him tomorrow to see how he's doing. As usual, he's fine on email..lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I still think that John's talking is more nerves than anything. He did put a lot of thought into the restaurant situation, so he doesn't seem self centered. In fact, he seems attentive and considerate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I am the one who got mixed signals, not him. You tell a woman you like her, she tells you I hadn't thought about you that way but we'll see what happens. You go out twice after that conversation and you're holding hands and she kisses you goodnight...and then you take 10 days before you ask her out again 'since you'll go see your mum'. Who's the one sending mixed signals here??? From my perspective, you're looking for a guy who is more forceful and clear about his intentions, no -footing around. Some women are ok with murkiness and would have probably responded well to Mike and kept seeing him. But you're looking for something different - a guy with a no-nonsense approach to dating, more prompt, showing more initiative, following through. I think that kind of intensity might scare some women off too. But everyone is different, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 I still think that John's talking is more nerves than anything. He did put a lot of thought into the restaurant situation, so he doesn't seem self centered. In fact, he seems attentive and considerate. It seems that way, doesn't it? I'll see what he's like on Friday...but if I have to spend 2 hrs listening to him again, I don't think there will be a 4th date. After all, he's not some kid. Although...I've just realised he hasn't mentioned any woman. At all. Very unusual. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I think he thinks if he talks and tells you all of his impressive stories, that you will like him more. Whereas, you would really like more interactive conversations. there's a chapter on this in the mars and venus book. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 From my perspective, you're looking for a guy who is more forceful and clear about his intentions, no -footing around. Some women are ok with murkiness and would have probably responded well to Mike and kept seeing him. But you're looking for something different - a guy with a no-nonsense approach to dating, more prompt, showing more initiative, following through. I think that kind of intensity might scare some women off too. But everyone is different, right? I don't know why you think I'm looking for intensity. I'm not. I'm looking for consistency. Mike and I used to go out a couple times a week, at least, even before he told me he liked me...and then he goes 10 days without asking to meet and without any reason either (since every time we talked all he said was he stayed home or went to the gym) and that was after I showed him I saw him as more than a friend (unless he thinks I kiss everyone I know). I don't know many women who would be ok with that..especially coming from a guy you've already been out with 10 times. His behaviour doesn't make sense and, yes, I don't like people who confuse me. You're either into me or you're not. Kiss me one day and then not care if you see me again for the next 10 days = no go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Well, I say intensity because he 1) says that he went to that event hoping to see you and 2) he wants to see you this weekend. Mike called me. He asked what I've been up to, if I've been going out these days and if I'm free this weekend. I said on Saturday I have plans with friends, he said too bad, he wanted to ask me to go to his restaurant and then he kept asking what's new and I kept saying nothing much and, when I was about to hung up, he said 'so, when are we going to meet?'. I said that's up to him (I don't want him to accuse me of making him 'spend too much on gas') since he lives so far away and he said he's coming over here tomorrow to visit his mum and, maybe, we could meet in the afternoon for a cup of coffee. I said I'm free tomorrow and he said he'll call me to tell me the exact time. Now from his perspective, he's been making the effort to see you, and you haven't been making yourself available to him. From your perspective, you're not a mind reader and can't make plans with a guy if he doesn't call you farther in advance. You also didn't offer to drive out to see him, right? Mind you, there are other women who would jump all over what Mike's done and be totally happy with his level of effort, while you are not. There are a lot of women out there who respond to these sort of half-hearted invitations/plans from a man, while you do not. That's what I mean about Intensity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 Well, I say intensity because he 1) says that he went to that event hoping to see you and 2) he wants to see you this weekend. Now from his perspective, he's been making the effort to see you, and you haven't been making yourself available to him. From your perspective, you're not a mind reader and can't make plans with a guy if he doesn't call you farther in advance. You also didn't offer to drive out to see him, right? Mind you, there are other women who would jump all over what Mike's done and be totally happy with his level of effort, while you are not. There are a lot of women out there who respond to these sort of half-hearted invitations/plans from a man, while you do not. That's what I mean about Intensity. 'Says' is the key word here. He 'says' he went hoping to see me. Why didn't he just call me to ask if I'm going? He never had a problem calling before. He wants to see me this weekend. Sure. Friends want to see each other once in a while and it doesn't matter if it's every 2 weeks or 2 months. As for his perspective..well, I don't know his perspective. All I know is that he stopped making any effort to see me 10 days ago...and going to a single site's event is definitely not effort to see ME. He had my phone. We'd been out TEN times. So, I've no idea why his perspective would be different. How did I make myself not available? I never told him I can't go out with him. I even asked HIM out just before the last time we went out together. Unless he has serious issues, I can't see when/how I was not available. I really don't think that many women would be happy with this..and the fact that some women would be fine with half-hearted plans doesn't mean I'm looking for intensity...it means that I value consistency more than they do. PS I don't drive Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Oh, I mean, I agree with you that I'm unimpressed that he "hoped" to see you at an event, but never bothered to ask if you were going. Though you could take public transit out to his town or a town halfway, right? If you wanted to make it easier to see each other. I dunno - I feel like I see a lot of women who put up with half-hearted/wishy-washy situations like these and go for it (I've been there myself too). If this weren't the case, there wouldn't be half the threads that there are on ENA.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Here's another example: that guy Butthead I wrote about last month. He asked me out once on the same night (it was friday, 9 PM, I was in bed, and he wanted to go out right then). I said no. Time #2 was on a random Sunday afternoon, and he wanted to go out right then again. I said no, because again I had plans. I suggested he give me more advance notice. Time #3, he gave more advance notice, but the day of, asked if I wanted to go to a dive bar. (Seriously???) ugh. From his perspective, he's asked me out 3 times. From my perspective, he was lame 3 times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 MM, As for the "strung along" bit, I don't think you are necessarily meaning to that, but I bring that up because he may be feeling that way because 1) you said that you don't like him but might if you keep contact and 2) he keeps contacting you and keep in touch. Yes, you haven't seen each other in a while but you're talking pretty regularly, or at least, he's trying to talk to you. I think you both have sent each other mixed signals over time. Both. And I think that's why he's doing what he's doing. I agree with NorthDallas, why not end the friendship? It sounds confusing and unfruitful, and you definitely don't like him and he's blown his chance, so why not just cut it off? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I would not be happy with the 10 day wait for another date either MM. I think you are right there. He has seemed to cool off. Maybe you can talk to him about that when you grab coffee if it feels right to do so. He didn't seem so flakey at the beginning, but is showing signs of it already. I would also mention the gift, but thats me. I thought you were going to go to that singles meet up, but had a date with John instead? I forget, but maybe he thought he would see you there either way. Someone had a great way to let a person know that they are talking to much on your thread. I can't remember who it was, but I like how she handled a "talker" and I think you should try that with John if he does it again. He may just be nervous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 Fudgie...I never told him I don't like him. All I had told him was that I hadn't thought about him in that way because, in my eyes, we were both acting friendly. Obviously, after that conversation, things progressed. He started flirting with me, I asked him out, I kissed him, everything between us was flirty from then on, so, no matter how hard I think, I can't find any mixed signals or any reason why he would 'cool off' apart from not having been that interested in the first place...the incident with the singles site just reinforced that opinion because it was exactly like a friend telling another friend 'oh, I thought you'd be there, too'...and since I was already sceptical about it because of the gift situation, I went back mentally to our 'relationship' before he said he liked me. That's why I'm ok with seeing him again, because I'm fine with being friends. Now, if he tries for something more, I'll certainly tell him that I've thought about it and decided we can only be friends. I'm not particularly worried that he will try something because a man who's interested doesn't let 10 days go by without asking you out especially when everything seemed to be going the way he wanted (or said he wanted). As for John, I don't really want to have to tell him to stop talking..it's too much effort for a guy I'm not even sure I'm attracted to and who may move to the other side of the world in a few months. I go out with him because, so far, he hasn't bored me, he's attentive and interesting and he's been asking me out regularly..but, apart from that, I don't want to 'make things happen'...I prefer to see what he can do on his own..if he wants anything more than just going out and talking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie2006 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Mike reminds me a lot of a guy I dated several years ago. We went out for about a month or so (?) I went on vacation for 3~4 days and when I got back, I texted him, never got a response and I thought that was that. about 4 months later, he called to apologize for disappearing, and said he wanted to meet and also said he wouldn't have called after so much time had passed if he didn't like me and wanted things to be more "serious" I thought why not? We went out for 2 more month but he was the most passive man I met. Kind of like Mike, he was never direct and always asked about my plans in a roundabout way. He never planned for any of our dates and never really had anything substantial to say to me, he never texted regularly but like clockwork, come Friday, he'd call and ask (in a roundabout way again) what I was doing that weekend. (Geez, I can't believe we went out as long as we did) Finally I had to pull the plug bc his inconsistency in contacting me and his passive behavior was really annoying. Sure he was a nice guy and he had lots of good points, but no, not for me. When I said we couldn't go out any more bc of reasons a,b, and c, he still couldn't understand, and got teary-eyed and when I wished him good luck on finding the right person for him, he asked *me* if I really thought that was possible. I knew then that I'd made the right decision bc he'd always be very very clueless ... Of course Mike is not as bad, but Mike's passive behavior is not good as a potential bf, imo. I don't think his passivity has anything to do with miss m. I don't think he's behaving this way is bc he believes he has been friend zoned. It may have played a small part but I think he is by nature someone passive and inconsistent (and somewhat self-centered) Miss m seems fine with just hanging out once in a while, but personally I'd drop him as a friend... Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Haha that is uncanny! I agree I don't think it's anything MM did, Mike is just like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 Well, all this ink for nothing...lol. Mike cancelled our date with some lame excuse..his daughter has 'something' to do today and he has to drive her. It didn't really bother me as it's a cold day and I came back from school very tired and I was wondering how I'd manage to get dressed again in the afternoon. Nothing about rescheduling, either, of course. As for John, I called him at home when I had said I would but he didn't answer...and because he was sick last night I texted him that I hope he's ok. So far, I've seen everything in dating except someone going to the hospital..I hope this is not what happened! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 Ok, he's alive..lol. He called me and apologised..he slept for 10 hours straight and didn't hear the phone and found my text message when he woke up. We confirmed we're meeting tomorrow and he'll call me in the morning with the details..he wants to do some searching first he said. I don't think I've ever dated a more organised guy before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Glad to hear John is alive!!! He is very organized which is pretty cool. Sounds like he likes to do things that are fun and different. I like that. I just hope the talking thing calms down for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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