IAmFCA Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 MM, why don't YOU ask HIM out for VDay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 MM, why don't YOU ask HIM out for VDay? LOL I have asked him before and I could for that day, too, I guess..but it's not that simple. You see, Saturday nights he's usually at his restaurant (2 hrs away)..but I could bring up the topic when we next meet...I have no problem with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 LOL I have asked him before and I could for that day, too, I guess..but it's not that simple. You see, Saturday nights he's usually at his restaurant (2 hrs away)..but I could bring up the topic when we next meet...I have no problem with that. I think that would be cool, plus it would clarify your availability to do oher things if you want. Is VDAY Saturday? (Lol, I'm the worst.) If so, it's so easy to say- VDAY probably a big night at work for you. I understand that. Would you like to do something together on Friday or Sunday? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie2006 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Miss M, I'm sure you don't want to hear the words "bday," "stingy," etc for a long while but I have to ask, did he seem stingy to you in your most recent date? While I am rooting for Mike, he does seem awfully insecure (and a bit fragile ??) for a man in his 40s. Perhaps it's because he likes you so much but at a certain point, his inability to be more assertive would bug me ... The indirect (but blatantly obvious) questions to gauge how things are going with Pedro and others guys you may be considering would get old real fast, at least for me. Just my humble 2 cents ... Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 Friday I can't...I have a dinner with colleagues. But I can ask him about Sunday..we'll see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Batya, it's not a testing line. It's me hoping that I've judged him wrong...I'm surprised that you don't see that. I am surprised you see a distinction -if Vday is the way you're going to see if you judged him wrong that's exactly why I am suggesting you end things now. Apples and oranges. If you want to see if you judged him wrong see if he is generous with his time and attention(since you say it's not about the materialistic part) and the next time he promises to get you a gift he needs to follow through -one more chance on that exact situation I totally agree with. If he does ask you out for Vday (or you ask him and make sure he knows it's for Vday since he can't go out on Vday) and he knows it is a Vday plan then sure he should probably bring you a flower. If you ask him out or suggest a Vday plan you should bring him something too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Aaaaaaaah, I feel I'm going in circles. I don't just expect a gift. I expect a gift because he came to my party, I paid for his dinner and he himself said he'd get me one. For no other reason. Not because we're dating ,not because it's Valentine's..I just said that maybe he thought he'd combine the two..maybe. No circles, I am just saying: if you expect something, say something. Life is so much easier when you are direct. I am a deeply flawed human being but if there is one thing about me that my exes liked, it was my ability to be direct with them, to tell them what I wanted. There was never any question. You are setting yourself up for disappointment when you don't say anything. You're assuming that he may "combine" a v day and birthday present for you? Well he may not. He may have truly forgotten. He may assume it's not a big deal to you because you've said nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 Miss M, I'm sure you don't want to hear the words "bday," "stingy," etc for a long while but I have to ask, did he seem stingy to you in your most recent date? While I am rooting for Mike, he does seem awfully insecure (and a bit fragile ??) for a man in his 40s. Perhaps it's because he likes you so much but at a certain point, his inability to be more assertive would bug me ... The indirect (but blatantly obvious) questions to gauge how things are going with Pedro and others guys you may be considering would get old real fast, at least for me. Just my humble 2 cents ... Well, in general, I wouldn't say he's the most generous guy I've ever dated. I mean, I've been out with guys who wouldn't even let me pay for my own coffee, much less for theirs, too. He's happy to let me get the bill but I don't find that wrong or bad..I mean, I'm happy as long as I pay once, he pays the next time, etc. I don't know him that well to know for sure if he's doing it out of stinginess..lol. As for the rest, he is insecure but considering a/I'm the first woman he's actually dating since his divorce (over a year ago) and b/the way things happened between us with the Pedro story, etc, I guess that's understandable. Lately, he's been much more assertive..I mean, he touches me all the time, compliments me often, even tried to kiss me (albeit at a bad moment..LOL) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 No circles, I am just saying: if you expect something, say something. And I'm saying: if you say you're gonna do something, do something. Simple. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I am surprised you see a distinction -if Vday is the way you're going to see if you judged him wrong that's exactly why I am suggesting you end things now. Apples and oranges. If you want to see if you judged him wrong see if he is generous with his time and attention(since you say it's not about the materialistic part) and the next time he promises to get you a gift he needs to follow through -one more chance on that exact situation I totally agree with. If he does ask you out for Vday (or you ask him and make sure he knows it's for Vday since he can't go out on Vday) and he knows it is a Vday plan then sure he should probably bring you a flower. If you ask him out or suggest a Vday plan you should bring him something too. Agree re this and Ellie -- on both sides. It's time to be direct: Do you celebrate VDay? Do you want to do something for VDay with me? You and Mike may be well matched, both of you looking at clues to find out how you stand with one another, and what you think of one another. I fail in that environment. I can sense I am being evaluated, and I hold back a bit of generosity I might otherwise have offered. It seems like MM and Mike, you are doing this to one another. He holding back unclear as to whether he is a person or a commodity to you. You holding back unclear whether he expresses affection in ways that you require. You might be shooting yourselves in the foot. Or you might be incompatible. I can't tell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 "Well, in general, I wouldn't say he's the most generous guy I've ever dated. I mean, I've been out with guys who wouldn't even let me pay for my own coffee, much less for theirs, too. He's happy to let me get the bill but I don't find that wrong or bad..I mean, I'm happy as long as I pay once, he pays the next time, etc. I don't know him that well to know for sure if he's doing it out of stinginess..lol." I asked whether he was generous with his time and attention. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 First woman since divorce: he is trying to find his sea legs. I remember after divorce I found I was unaccustomed to telling men I wasnt interested. Also was unaccustomed to telling them I WAS interested. I didn't have the words or the desire to address much of anything using direct communication. It all seemed so rough and unfeeling. That was because I was treating dating like other social environments, and because I had no kind words at hand, and because I wasn't yet sure how to recognize in someone else what I wanted for myself. Mike may just need some time to ripen into his post divorce style. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Idea: In dating for an LTR, we are sorting and learning until we find ONE whom we end up choosing. Who knows what Mike's level of compatibility is relative to MM. Taking this from a different tack: MM, what can you learn from your experience with Mike? Is there a way you can behave with him that might give you an opportunity to test yourself, as with a new skill or behavior? If so, try that. Mike may or may not be for you, but in the meantime, you can benefit either way and without disrespect to anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Well, according to him, she's fine. If he's lying to me, I'm lying to you..lol My friends are telling me he's obviously stingy/has bad manners and I deserve much better...seriously, not even one of them has told me 'this isn't a big deal'. Maybe it's because, as I said, it's unthinkable over here not to get someone a gift when he's invited you and paid for you. I think you should stop seeing him. I won't go into any lengthy explanations of why (suffice it to say it is NOT because I think he's "stingy" or has "bad manners") but I don't see this going anywhere; I think, just from what I've read here, you would both best be suited to other people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ecaryn Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Reading all of your commentary here, I think it's a done deal with Mike. I think you know he is not the one for you, for whatever reason, but perhaps you've felt pressured by us posting on here to give him a chance romantically. Along with the fact that he does seem to be a good guy, you get along well and he's clearly in to you...so, yeah, it would be expected that it would work. But it just doesn't. And there's nothing wrong with that. But I think a little clarity is in order here. I know you genuinely like Mike and would like to remain friends with him, but, at this point, I don't think that would be fair to him. He is clearly viewing all interactions with you through the lens of a crush and hoping it will lead to a relationship. You're viewing it as a friendship that 'maybe' you can get over the initial lack of chemistry/attraction/whatever to see if there's potential for a relationship. I think if he were honest with himself, he'd admit there's not much of a chance of a relationship developing or lasting and realize he doesn't really want to be just your friend. And I can't imagine the repeated posts where you're having to defend your opinions (negative or otherwise) about him isn't shaping your long term view of who he is in a negative way. Valentine's Day really only seems like a perfunctory measure of intent now. I don't see your feelings changing in any significant measure towards him, even if he did manage to do everything just right for Valentines. I think you should have a talk with him and tell him it's just not there and it's best to go your separate ways. Maybe you can revisit the friendship in the future once all the current emotions have passed, on both sides. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 I asked whether he was generous with his time and attention. Well, the only true answer to that is 'I don't know'. I mean, it's not like he's taking time off his busy schedule for me. His restaurant only works on Saturdays (and not every Saturday) and he has plenty of time to see friends, etc..we just meet a couple times a week. He does drive for an hour to meet me but he's told me he's used to driving long distance (his home is 1 hr away from his restaurant). As for attention, of course he pays attention to me but isn't that what every guy who likes a woman does? Besides, I pay attention to him, too. I think, just from what I've read here, you would both best be suited to other people. Well, then, you must know something I don't...lol..because, apart from the stinginess issue (which is still on debate), I think we're very good together. I don't see your feelings changing in any significant measure towards him, even if he did manage to do everything just right for Valentines. I think you should have a talk with him and tell him it's just not there and it's best to go your separate ways. My feelings have changed towards him..if they hadn't, I wouldn't even let him hold my hand, much less kiss me or touch me. Obviously, it's hard to tell on here, especially, when I try to make a point about something negative in him..if someone had asked me 'so, do you still see him as just a friend?', I would have replied..but noone did. On other news...tonight I went out with Frank. I had a good time although it's obvious we're better suited as friends..especially as he spent 1 hour telling me about a girl he's in love with..lol...and I was giving him advice However, since I wasn't attracted to him or anything, I liked the conversation and I told him we should continue some other time. He suggested a few places we could go next time and said he'd call me. Meanwhile OF COURSE, during the date, Mike called (I swear those men do it on purpose..lol)..at a time that was rather unusual for him. Anyway, I took the call (before you jump on me, Frank had answered a call just 10 mins before mine...obviously by some friend he had asked to call to give him a way out if I was awful..lol) and told him where I was (not who with) as it was a lovely cafe and I thought we could go together some time. He was about to go to his boxing practice, so, we just talked briefly. Frank thought it was a female friend of mine and I didn't correct him...no need to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 And I can't imagine the repeated posts where you're having to defend your opinions (negative or otherwise) about him isn't shaping your long term view of who he is in a negative way. The long post i wrote a few days ago and lost...i will post in a nutshell. Tom met me. He had asked me out 'online'. I didn't answer cuz i wasn't attracted to him. How i met him was thru a meetup group. Still didn't realize it was the same guy on the dating site. Almost 2 years ago...so i will try to make this shorter. I became friends with him, because i found him extremely funny. But i invited him over for dinner, and told him i didn't want to 'date' him. No other dates where panning out...so i deleted myself off of dating sites....and he and i saw each other almost daily. He was into me romantically. I was into him emotionally. 6 months pass. New Years eve. he wanted to kiss me. I laughed...and said no. Crushed him. Things after that changed. 2 months later, he was on dating sites. When i found out he had gone out with someone i knew 3x...i was jealous. He kissed me. Woosa. Never had anyone so passionate in my life. Then we became intimate...and he still saw the other girl. But he became only 'friends' with her. Yep. Lots of drama. Hot and cold with me. I finally dumped him and started seeing someone else. This had gone on for 6 months! Now he says he's in love with me. The point being...i still am not physically attracted to him. But the kissing and sex were out of this world...because i was emotionally attached to him. Unfortunately, i think he is more attracted to me physically, than emotionally. ugh. Nothing in life is easy. But.....Tom never gave up for those 6 months as friends. We went on overnight camping trips together. We one time even had to sleep in the same bed together at a condo...long story. We just laughed our fool heads off. Things actually got WORSE for us when we became romantically inclined. So my point is....give Mike a chance if you TRULY like him as a person. Tom is a REAL tight assss. Real. And it bugs me. But i also think when Mike asked you about the ring...as in "which friend gave you that"....he might have been thinking it was a guy! Did you mention it was that gf who he had met? So...if you like Mike as a person and a friend...then give it a shot that you may eventually become lovers. If Mike fails as even a potential friend, because you view him as stingy...i would let him go. Lovers should always have a 'friend' quality....first. If you continue to date him....and his kisses turn you off....then adios. I've had that happen also! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 You posted your previous post...as i was typing out my 'usual' indepth one! Sounds as if you could become romantically inclined then. Sooo....as in ANY relationship....you just play it out! Time will tell if it grows...or if you get tired of him...or he of you! Forget the birthday present. Hell....Tom gave me a GREAT bday present LAST year...Christmas eve. But he mentioned a couple of things he was going to get me for Christmas....then never did. Probably the New Year's kiss...or lack of it....changed his mind! lol I think if he feels you are 'dating'...and you make it clear to him that you are...he will get you a Vday present. I also think he would like to feel he is not one in a hundred guys you are dating. It never feels good when you are into someone....but know they are still out there 'searching'....ugh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 [but i also think when Mike asked you about the ring...as in "which friend gave you that"....he might have been thinking it was a guy! Did you mention it was that gf who he had met? Nah, he didn't think anything of the sort because I told him it was the little box (all my gifts were on a chair next to us at the restaurant and that little box had fallen off a few times..lol) and all my guests were female except one male friend who was there with his wife...besides, I did tell him which gf bought it for me (she was the person he had talked to the most that night..apart from me, that is). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 It never feels good when you are into someone....but know they are still out there 'searching'....ugh I know that but, by the same token, he's the one who, on the night of my birthday (which was before he had even told me he liked me) told me that the previous night he had gone to a single site's event and he's also the one who had said he was thinking of going to another event this past Saturday. I, on the other hand, have told him nothing except about that trip the site will have this month..and I did also say I'll take a friend with me (female). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 double post grrrrrrrr Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 And now guess who just emailed me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Oh boy, did he say that he was so sorry for taking so long in getting back to you but he had bad back pain? Sent from Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 Oh boy, did he say that he was so sorry for taking so long in getting back to you but he had bad back pain? LMAO no. He sent a picture of his town covered in snow and wrote: Hi, missmarple..greetings from snowy (town's name)..this is a picture taken today from my window. I didn't reply, of course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 LMAO no. He sent a picture of his town covered in snow and wrote: Hi, missmarple..greetings from snowy (town's name)..this is a picture taken today from my window. I didn't reply, of course. Haha what the! He didn't even acknowledge your previous email! I think he's trying to find a leg back in. Agreed no response is needed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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