missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 Well, according to him, she's fine. If he's lying to me, I'm lying to you..lol My friends are telling me he's obviously stingy/has bad manners and I deserve much better...seriously, not even one of them has told me 'this isn't a big deal'. Maybe it's because, as I said, it's unthinkable over here not to get someone a gift when he's invited you and paid for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I can't answer this question because, as I said, nothing like this has happened to me before. When I'm upset about something, usually, if it's serious, I talk about it...but telling someone 'why didn't you get me a present'..no, I wouldn't say that. Who would??? If he said he was going to do something, and didn't....and you're upset about it...don't you think he'd rather know? You keep saying "he should know" but...obviously he doesn't. It seems mean to hold something against him when he doesn't even know he did anything wrong. He didn't get the "hint" with the ring. You're going to have to be less subtle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 I don't think you should keep seeing him but if you do only if you're not going to test his "generosity" with respect to Valentine's Day - if you feel like you're in that mode, then stop seeing him immediately. Thanks for the suggestion but I think I'm going to wait until Valentine's Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 If he said he was going to do something, and didn't....and you're upset about it...don't you think he'd rather know? You keep saying "he should know" but...obviously he doesn't. It seems mean to hold something against him when he doesn't even know he did anything wrong. He didn't get the "hint" with the ring. You're going to have to be less subtle. Come on, faraday, would you really tell a guy 'why didn't you get me a present??'. This isn't an old friend of mine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Where I am from it would be bad manners to answer a phone call from someone you're dating while on a date - and didn't he pay for you on the date where you spoke to Pedro? I bring this up again because I think some humility is called for here-or at least a more balanced perspective. (I get it about needing your phone on - you had other options though -even if the phone kept ringing -you could have said to him "I am not answering this call -i -I cannot shut my phone off because someone else might need to call with an emergency - the phone might keep ringing however -would you like me to quickly take the call so we can be sure we will not be disturbed? -he didn't need to know it was Pedro calling at all). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Come on, faraday, would you really tell a guy 'why didn't you get me a present??'. This isn't an old friend of mine. I just told you above, I was dating a guy who said he was going to make Valentine's Day special....and he didn't. And I told him I was a bit bummed out that he said he was going to do something but he didn't. Maybe some people consider that tacky. It probably is. But I thought it was inconsiderate that he wouldn't follow through with something he said he was going to do. *shrugs* I'm a big fan of being direct. ETA: I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and give them the opportunity to rectify things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I hadn't invited him as a bf/date but as a friend. I've been following along, and thinking, from Mike's perspective, things may be confusing. I know I don't know the whole story, or even 10% of it, still, I ask: Is it possible Mike has received mixed signals enough that he is unsure how to proceed? Things that may have seemed natural now have the potential of being out of step, misinterpreted, judged differently than he intended. I feel like if I were Mike I would not be giving much at all, I would be back at asking you out for dates and waiting to see if you asked me out in return. If we've known each other only through dating, then any invitation I get from you would be viewed by me as part of our dating trajectory. I would have been, as Mike, excited to have been chosen to be your man in a group setting of your choice. I would have thought it a position of honor. The friend sentence, reading it from Mikes perspective, was confusing to me. If he is getting push/pull signals, he may be confused too- saying things that make sense in the context of having a place of honor, and then not acting on them when he feels he is still just one of several. Or, if a friend, then is dating off the table? On the birthday thing... I feel like at a certain age, gifts at birthdays are sort of silly, and that if I want to celebrate, I should be the host and be grateful for your time and attention. A gift might be appropriate if silly, or small, or homemade such as a funny toy or a basket of cookies etc. No matter, trusting your assessment that the importance of the gift is clear to your peers. He apologized for not bringing one. Given his interest in dating, and not necessarily in being friends, he might be now withholding even the birth day gift because a part of him is being rejected. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 "On the birthday thing... I feel like at a certain age, gifts at birthdays are sort of silly, and that if I want to celebrate, I should be the host and be grateful for your time and attention. A gift might be appropriate if silly, or small, or homemade such as a funny toy or a basket of cookies etc. He apologized for not bringing one. Given his interest in dating, and not necessarily in being friends, he might be withholding even the birth day gift because a part of him is being rejected." Great point other than in her culture it's apparently a huge breach of etiquette not to bring a gift and Mike said he forgot and would follow through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I'm big believer in making your needs and wants known. If you want something, say it. Don't assume that he'll know, especially when it's so early on. You two aren't even in a relationship yet. If you would like something for V-Day, say something to him. Tell him that you like the holiday and you love it when a guy does something special for that day so you can celebrate together. Yes, he'll take the hint. As I said before, you two aren't even exclusive. You haven't even established that there are mutual feelings! Most guys would be hesitant to get you a gift because they would worry about coming on too strong. Nothing to do with stinginess. Mike clearly likes you and if he felt getting you a gift would scare you off, he may not do it. So say something to him! Please do not expect him to mind-read or know what to do. If those are your values and customs or whatever, fine, but make them known appropriately. If you like V day and want to do something for it, say something. If you are truly in the "test" mode with him, then I agree with Batya that perhaps it's best to drop him and focus on others so neither of you are wasting your time and he can move on and find someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 Ok..Batya...First, I don't remember about that particular date but, usually, either I pay or he pays...it's about 50/50 so far...I paid last night, for example. Second, I have nothing to add to the phone story except he knows about my mum and why I always have my phone next to me. faraday, I just can't bring myself to say something like that. If it was an old friend or a b/f, I could. As things are right now, I can't. ITIC..I don't care about the size of the gift..as I said, it could be a rose and I would be happy. As for the rest, no, he's not feeling rejected, for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 As I said before, you two aren't even exclusive. You haven't even established that there are mutual feelings! Most guys would be hesitant to get you a gift because they would worry about coming on too strong. Nothing to do with stinginess. Mike clearly likes you and if he felt getting you a gift would scare you off, he may not do it. So say something to him!. Aaaaaaaah, I feel I'm going in circles. I don't just expect a gift. I expect a gift because he came to my party, I paid for his dinner and he himself said he'd get me one. For no other reason. Not because we're dating ,not because it's Valentine's..I just said that maybe he thought he'd combine the two..maybe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Ok..Batya...First, I don't remember about that particular date but, usually, either I pay or he pays...it's about 50/50 so far...I paid last night, for example. Second, I have nothing to add to the phone story except he knows about my mum and why I always have my phone next to me. faraday, I just can't bring myself to say something like that. If it was an old friend or a b/f, I could. As things are right now, I can't. ITIC..I don't care about the size of the gift..as I said, it could be a rose and I would be happy. As for the rest, no, he's not feeling rejected, for sure. I know he knows about your mom but you had other options other than talking to the very guy who you'd basically had in Mike's face since the beginning. You also could have told a polite white lie, said "sorry! I have to take this!" and left the restaurant to take the call -and just said it was a close friend with a crisis. Or if he saw it was Pedro you could have sought Mike's input on how to proceed. I would not mention it other than you calling him out on his gift-giving flaws. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 I know he knows about your mom but you had other options other than talking to the very guy who you'd basically had in Mike's face since the beginning. You also could have told a polite white lie, said "sorry! I have to take this!" and left the restaurant to take the call -and just said it was a close friend with a crisis. Or if he saw it was Pedro you could have sought Mike's input on how to proceed. I would not mention it other than you calling him out on his gift-giving flaws. Yeah, well, taking a phone call is slightly different. As I said, I had an excuse. He does not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 if giving a gift is an obvious gaffe and the lack of one is smoldering within you such that you don't trust the rest of him, then I think it is respectful to bring it up. It is helpful to think of it as about YOU and not about him- that way, you can bring it up as a way of bsing helpful, not critical. "I want to admit something... I know you apologized for not bringing a birthday gift, but it has been bother me anyway. Since we can't go back in time and replay that day, I am trying to let it go, but I just can't seem to get past it." And with that, you either let him go, or give him an opportunity to tell you something that might be meaningful to you. I can't imagine what that is. I am hearing, No gift tells me who he is, no other details matter. If that's true, then just let him go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 ITIC...if Valentine's comes and goes and he does nothing, that is exactly what I'm going to tell him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Yeah, well, taking a phone call is slightly different. As I said, I had an excuse. He does not. Yes, he does-his mother was ill at the time -that can be a very disorienting time. And yes he may have forgotten. I don't think you have an excuse for how you behaved since there were other options (and no I don't think it's a dealbreaker - just pointing it out for balance and perspective). If your excuse is you acted on impulse and temporarily lost your manners -so did he. I also agree with whoever wrote that you created a confusing situation for Mike so he's still trying to figure out how to proceed -what kind of gift would he get you given your going on about Pedro at first, but now maybe wanting to date -but maybe not, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 Well, obviously me taking a phone call wasn't a deal breaker to him. Does that mean that what he does has to be a non deal breaker for me? I think not. Oh, and re. him being confused, etc, etc, he's not. He's acting like we're dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 ITIC...if Valentine's comes and goes and he does nothing, that is exactly what I'm going to tell him From what I understand since you're so focused on manners it is bad manners to point out someone else's bad manners unless it is a child perhaps or you are the person's Manners Coach. So if he doesn't behave according to your personal standards, just let him go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Well, obviously me taking a phone call wasn't a deal breaker to him. Does that mean that what he does has to be a non deal breaker for me? I think not. No, my only point is a little humility goes a long way. When my husband does something that annoys me it helps me to remember what I have done that annoyed him and it helps me deal with the situation in a much more balanced and relaxed way (typically it means I say nothing and focus on the good stuff). So if you have a more balanced perspective perhaps you'll cut him some slack the way he cut you slack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 ITIC...if Valentine's comes and goes and he does nothing, that is exactly what I'm going to tell him If I were Mike, I would not do anything for VDay. Maybe the person who gave you a ring is doing something? Maybe I am a friend and not a romantic interest? I would be afraid of looking like an ass. As Mike, I might ask you: Is VDAY important to you? I know you are dating other people and I don't want to presume anything... would you like to get together on VDay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 From what I understand since you're so focused on manners it is bad manners to point out someone else's bad manners unless it is a child perhaps or you are the person's Manners Coach. So if he doesn't behave according to your personal standards, just let him go. I haven't given it much thought because I'm still thinking he may get me something for Valentine's. If I decide to let him go, I'll think about it. No, my only point is a little humility goes a long way. When my husband does something that annoys me it helps me to remember what I have done that annoyed him and it helps me deal with the situation in a much more balanced and relaxed way (typically it means I say nothing and focus on the good stuff). So if you have a more balanced perspective perhaps you'll cut him some slack the way he cut you slack. Well, if Mike was my b/f or my husband, I'd do the same thing..but he's just a guy I've been dating, you know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 If I were Mike, I would not do anything for VDay. Maybe the person who gave you a ring is doing something? Maybe I am a friend and not a romantic interest? I would be afraid of looking like an ass. As Mike, I might ask you: Is VDAY important to you? I know you are dating other people and I don't want to presume anything... would you like to get together on VDay? The person who gave me the ring was female and one of my best friends and he met her that night. As for Valentine's, if he asks, I'll tell him yes, of course..that I'd like to get together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I haven't given it much thought because I'm still thinking he may get me something for Valentine's. If I decide to let him go, I'll think about it. Well, if Mike was my b/f or my husband, I'd do the same thing..but he's just a guy I've been dating, you know. I do understand the different standards when it's someone serious in our lives - I get it. If Valentine's Day is your test I'd let him go right now. So much mind-reading/speculation wrapped up in that plus it's such an individual thing -Valentine's Day as so many have written here -so do him a favor and let him go if that is your testing time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Oh, just saw the explanation re not confused. Ok, then as Mike I would ask re VDay. There are other men floating about, I would want a signal from you as to how I fit into the rotation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 Batya, it's not a testing line. It's me hoping that I've judged him wrong...I'm surprised that you don't see that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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