missmarple Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 Ok, out of curiosity, I looked up Pedro on facebook..and he's there...with his last name, picture, town he's been living in, etc. He's single. Mike and I had a nice afternoon. He kept stroking my hair, my hand and my back..it was nice. There was a funny incident, too..at some point we changed table (the first one was by the door and I was cold) and when we were about to leave he realised he had forgotten his wallet at the first table..which was like 10 tables away! Thankfully, he found it where he'd left it but he commented it was the first time he forgot his wallet somewhere and that it's my fault because he's so focused on me, he forgets everything else Then, when he was driving me home, he stopped the car and kissed me out of the blue...I was chewing gum and almost swallowed it and then I got a cough crisis...and, as I was laughing at the same time, I started choking. Poor Mike thought I was about to die or something...haha. PS I mentioned I might go to the next trip of the site with a friend of mine and he said he probably won't be able to make it and asked if I was going because I want to meet someone new. I didn't know what to say...so, I said nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 awww, cute!! did you enjoy the kiss with Mike? seems like he is being much more forward now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 I don't know if I enjoyed it as it was so sudden I didn't realise he was kissing me...and it was close-mouthed, too..and then I got that cough and it all went to hell..lol Oh, btw, still no mention of that gift...we'll see what he does for Valentine's. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 and then you coughed in his mouth?? romantic. lol. i guess he doesn't know where he stands with you because he was asking if you were going on that trip to meet a new man? I think not knowing where your head/heart might have something to do with lack of gifts/vday plans....etc.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happpybear Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Oh...I hate when the do the surprise kiss thing, I guess they think it romantic? But when it's a first kiss, it's not a good idea right?...I had one guy stop and surprise kiss me in the middle of a busy street while we were jaywalking, and it was our first kiss and it was not just a peck either. I'm glad that you are giving it a chance with Mike. Maybe when you guys kiss for real, in a more romantic situation, it will spark something more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 I think not knowing where your head/heart might have something to do with lack of gifts/vday plans....etc.... I don't think so. He had said he'd get me a gift before he said he liked me. As for Valentine's, I'm just wondering if he plans to get me something then exactly because he didn't for my birthday...not because of the day's significance. On other news, I have a date with Frank tomorrow. We spoke on the phone for about 20 minutes. He doesn't sound like my type (talks too much, for one thing) but I'll see what he's like in person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophie274 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I think with Mike, the gift ship has sailed. I understand that you say it's the done thing in your culture, so count it as a strike against him ... but I wouldn't expect him to make it up on Valentine's Day. I have nothing against the day myself, I like to celebrate when I have a boyfriend, but the day is so cheesy and has such strong implications that I think it's very hard to manage unless you're in a well-established relationship. You never know how much to do, how romantic to be ... Last year I was interested in my boyfriend and we were "dating", but at that moment geographically apart, and I just sent him a silly ecard type thing. So I also wouldn't expect much from Mike. I think it's fab you're giving him a chance, but you're obviously (and obviously to him) in the giving him a chance phase, not the smitten phase, so I think it's a bit much to expect him to put himself out there with a romantic gift (or any gift). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Sophie is right, it's hard in a very new relationship, or in situations like yours where you're not even in a relationship. I would not expect a gift from Mike because you are not together with him. Many men who are not actively dating someone on V day may hesitate to give a gift because they don't want to appear "too strong". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Sophie is right, it's hard in a very new relationship, or in situations like yours where you're not even in a relationship. I would not expect a gift from Mike because you are not together with him. Many men who are not actively dating someone on V day may hesitate to give a gift because they don't want to appear "too strong". I've had the same experience too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Sorry MM, I laughed at the surprise kiss and the coughing / choking. Not so romantic but makes a cute / funny story don't you think As for v day, I wouldn't expect him to get a gift but it would be nice if he does do something (eg take you out to dinner or something). Maybe I missed it somewhere, did he make plans with you for v day? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 About Valentine's Day, no, he hasn't made any plans but he rarely does in advance and, in any case, it's not that I want to celebrate the day or anything..or that I would expect him to get me something, especially, since we're just dating casually. However, combined with my b/day thing (which IS important to me), if he ignores Valentine's, too, it will be the last straw for me. I absolutely hate stingy people. I've read what you've all said but it's a matter of compatibility. I invited him to my dinner, he knew it would be my treat, he brought nothing, he promised he will..and he hasn't. Well, if he lets V Day go by without as much as a rose, I won't need any more proof. I've already given him the benefit of the doubt with my b/day (sick mum)...but now he has no excuse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I don't think it's stingy if he ignores Valentine's Day. It's a holiday that people celebrate- or don't - in different ways. I would never expect acknowledgement of V Day for someone I'd gone on a few dates with and of course he only recently learned you might be interested in dating him - recently you were on the phone with someone else you were dating while on a date with him or at least out with him. Cut him slack given all the back and forth. Nothing to do with generosity. He also no idea how important the bday was for you - it was an etiquette gaffe for sure. What have you offered to him as far as help with his mother? If it's too soon for that (and it really may be), assume it's also too soon to celebrate romantic holidays. If you approach these dating relationships as evidence-gathering about flaws I say why bother? Maybe consider his generosity of spirit in how he handled your etiquette gaffe with your phone and his continuing to ask you to do things with him, invite you and your friend to stay at his home since you don't drive, etc. Resist the temptation to wave around your "these are my values" flag and pronounce the lack of a V-day gift as "we have incompatible values". If you really think a potential relationship is worth it. If not -and you might be getting to that point -I agree that you should focus on things like this and conveniently label them as significant values/dealbreakers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophie274 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 100% agree with Batya. I think it's fine to classify birthdaygiftgate as stingy/forgetful/lack of etiquette and to file that in the back of your mind. But you've given him so little, romantically - as Batya said, the call from Pedro, you mention going to singles events (when he asked you if you wanted to meet someone new, he was obviously hoping you said no, and you said nothing!) ... I think it's frankly absurd to expect him to go all out on the romantic gestures. I do think it would be very nice and appropriate for him to plan a date with you. Though I know that the idea of being out on Valentine's Day in some overly romantically decorated place with a bunch of other couples staring into each others' eyes just does not appeal to me, and as I said, I'm actually pro-Valentine's Day. There are lots of other things he could do since it's a Saturday, so hopefully he does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 The fact that something isn't a dealbreaker for you, doesn't mean that it can't be for other people...and it also doesn't mean that just because someone has some standards that are different to yours, that he doesn't 'really want a relationship'. What you call evidence-gathering about flaws I call paying attention to obvious signs of incompatibility/different values. To ME, saying sorry I forgot getting you a gift but I will is a commitment. I don't say things I don't mean..and I would be horrified to accept someone to pay for my dinner and not even get them a flower. If I was to...gather flaws, I can assure you I would mention other things, too...noone is perfect and I don't expect Mike to be perfect, either. You're saying he had no idea how important my b/day was to me? Really? Because I'm a millionaire and paying 200 euros for dinner was nothing to me? If he 'had no idea' he wouldn't have said that he'd get me a gift. And, by the way, why would I offer to help him with his mother??? He's not my best friend or anything...and I wouldn't expect anything for my b/day if he hadn't come to my dinner. Finally, regarding Valentine's, I don't know why it's so hard to get my point accross on here. I don't care about Valentine's. I wouldn't expect anything from him or any guy I was just dating IF he had gotten me even one rose for my birthday...and, again, I wouldn't expect anything for my birthday IF he hadn't come to my dinner, accepted my treat and said sorry I didn't have time to get you a gift but I will. Sure, I want a relationship. I'm willing to overlook things that. to me, aren't that important...like the fact that from May to October he's going to be living 2 hours away or that he has 4 kids or that he still lives in the same house as his ex-wife...but I can't overlook stinginess/bad manners. What happened with my phone, my excuse was that I need to have my phone with me and on and I hadn't thought about putting it on vibration mode..that was a gaffe, yes. In his case, it's not a gaffe..it's clearly different values. PS What I've given him romantically (this is for sophie) has nothing to do with how he's behaved re. my birthday. I hadn't invited him as a bf/date but as a friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I kind of get the present thing. If someone implies they're going to do something, they should. Last Valentine's Day, the guy I was dating said he was going to make Valentine's Day "special" and when it wasn't, I asked him what happened. He fled....and I'm thankful. It wasn't about the gift...it was because he said he was doing something and created expectations. Can you just bring it up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 How could I bring it up? It's not something you just bring up. Besides, a few days ago, we had that convo about my ring (when he asked which one of my friends had bought it for me), so, it's not like he has forgotten. That's why I said that maybe he's thinking of something for Valentine's since he got me nothing for my birthday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I don't think it's fair to hold something against someone without them knowing. I get in early dating not telling them things...but this isn't an early dating thing- this is a because he was your friend and he came to dinner thing...because you wouldn't invite someone you had went on one date with to your birthday, right? I mean, would you tell a friend that it's not cool that they forgot your birthday? I would. Different set of expectations for different circumstances. I think since you have a friend expectation about this, you have to treat it the way you would treat a friend...but if you're going to look at it as dating expectations, you have to start it with a blank slate. *shrugs* Idk if that makes any sense to anyone else. It makes sense in my head...but I've only had a cup of coffee...and very little sleep Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I kind of get the present thing. If someone implies they're going to do something, they should. Last Valentine's Day, the guy I was dating said he was going to make Valentine's Day "special" and when it wasn't, I asked him what happened. He fled....and I'm thankful. It wasn't about the gift...it was because he said he was doing something and created expectations. Can you just bring it up? I agree -he might not know in the least. MM once again I am not saying that what would not be a dealbreaker for me is relevant to your dealbreakers. I think you're labeling this V-day thing as "values" as an excuse to find something wrong -to find your "proof" as you put it. My point is that you're exaggerating the situation on purpose and elevating it to "values" and expecting Mike to think a certain way that you would think "hmm, let's see, I messed up the birthday so Valentine's Day should be the time I make it up". What if instead he thinks he should take you out for a nice dinner on the last day of February to make up for there being no leap year this year? You don't know him well enough to know. I quoted Faraday to clarify that I agree he should have followed through on the bday gift. Cut him slack because his mother is very ill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 I wouldn't even tell a friend...then again, it's never happened to me before. All the people I've invited to my b/day-celebrations, etc, always got me something. This is a first for me...and, in any way I try to see things, he's still in the wrong. How can he 'not know?'. It didn't happen 6 months ago, it was just 2 weeks and we've talked about my b/day since then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I wouldn't even tell a friend...then again, it's never happened to me before. All the people I've invited to my b/day-celebrations, etc, always got me something. This is a first for me...and, in any way I try to see things, he's still in the wrong. How can he 'not know?'. It didn't happen 6 months ago, it was just 2 weeks and we've talked about my b/day since then. I meant that he might not know that you expect him to make it up to you on a particular holiday, Valentine's Day. Maybe he believes the woman should get the man something. Maybe he thinks you should to make up for taking the phone call from Pedro. Maybe, maybe - avoid the maybes, your stomach will thank you. How many of your new friends came to your bday party (ever) while their mother or father was very sick in the hospital or going through a very similar crisis or emergency? I bet there were times new friends cancelled (or old friends but trying to keep things similar here) and made their families a priority over your birthday. Would you have preferred he did that rather than come and forget the gift? You were still willing to talk to/perhaps even see Pedro again even though he blew you off on your birthday with a lame excuse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 So if one of your friends does something that upsets you...you don't say anything? You just silently hold it against them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 His mother is fine and has been in her house since last Friday. I don't know him well enough to know indeed. But, considering it's the first time EVER something like that is happening to me, it's very hard for me to find any kind of excuse for him. Same goes for my friends, by the way. Actually, they've all told me to stop seeing him. The only people 'around me' (in a way) who insist this is not a big deal, is posters on here..lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 So if one of your friends does something that upsets you...you don't say anything? You just silently hold it against them? I can't answer this question because, as I said, nothing like this has happened to me before. When I'm upset about something, usually, if it's serious, I talk about it...but telling someone 'why didn't you get me a present'..no, I wouldn't say that. Who would??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 His mother is fine and has been in her house since last Friday. I don't know him well enough to know indeed. But, considering it's the first time EVER something like that is happening to me, it's very hard for me to find any kind of excuse for him. Same goes for my friends, by the way. Actually, they've all told me to stop seeing him. The only people 'around me' (in a way) who insist this is not a big deal, is posters on here..lol No one is "fine" after a long hospital stay. And as I wrote it's the first time this particular thing happened -it's not the first time you've experienced someone being unreliable or, I am sure, not showing up to your birthday because a relative was in the hospital. If your friends are telling you to stop seeing him because you are not that into him and looking for issues, I totally agree. If there is information about him that they know and you haven't shared then I would need to know that but please don't share unless you wish to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 His mother is fine and has been in her house since last Friday. I don't know him well enough to know indeed. But, considering it's the first time EVER something like that is happening to me, it's very hard for me to find any kind of excuse for him. Same goes for my friends, by the way. Actually, they've all told me to stop seeing him. The only people 'around me' (in a way) who insist this is not a big deal, is posters on here..lol No one is "fine" after a long hospital stay. And as I wrote it's the first time this particular thing happened -it's not the first time you've experienced someone being unreliable or, I am sure, not showing up to your birthday because a relative was in the hospital. If your friends are telling you to stop seeing him because you are not that into him and looking for issues, I totally agree. If there is information about him that they know and you haven't shared then I would need to know that but please don't share unless you wish to. I don't think you should keep seeing him but if you do only if you're not going to test his "generosity" with respect to Valentine's Day - if you feel like you're in that mode, then stop seeing him immediately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.