missmarple Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 I paid for the dinner and all my friends brought me gifts and Mike himself said he didn't have time to go shopping but he will..so, I don't think it's unrealistic to expect a gift. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 He just messaged me good morning, beautiful..how is your ear? (it was hurting last night). I replied my ear is fine and can I call him in an hour? He said of course Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophie274 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 I paid for the dinner and all my friends brought me gifts and Mike himself said he didn't have time to go shopping but he will..so, I don't think it's unrealistic to expect a gift. I also think it's a bit unrealistic or too high of an expectation. I'm really not a stingy person, but I don't think it would occur to me to bring a present to a birthday dinner for a casual friend, which I think is where you two are. I've organized dinners for my birthday, both in restaurants and at my house, and most people didn't give me anything (the one dinner was at a fancy restaurant, paid for by moi). My guess would be that Mike was embarrassed to be the only one without a present at your party (awkward) and said that, but that it's now gone off his radar. I wouldn't really count it against him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 Regarding the gift, I guess it depends on everyone's culture. Over here, you just don't go to birthdays empty-handed...I've never seen it happen in my 47 years and I've certainly never gone to a celebration without a gift. Even more so when the person is someone who's supposedly into you. We're not talking anything expensive...but some flowers, at least. If he does 'forget' it, it will count against him. On other news, I called Mike and his first question was what happened with Pedro last night. I told him that we talked briefly and that I'm going to send him an email today. He said that's up to me etc but he believes it's the right thing to do (how odd..lol). Then he told me his mum is finally leaving the hospital today (after 12 days!) and he and his sister will take her home and make sure she's comfortable and then he said he'll call me in the afternoon to talk some more. And, finally, when I got home, I sent that email. This is what I wrote: Good afternoon, Pedro. It was nice meeting you but I'm not looking for someone to just talk on the phone...and it seems like the distance is too much and you can't travel over here often enough to get to know each other....so, let's just leave it, please. Good luck and have fun in (town's name). I felt stupid writing that 2 hours distance is 'too much' but, apparently, for him it is...and now I feel a bit sad...not because of him but because of what might have been and all that. He hasn't replied yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 I think that's a fair message and the distance thing is a valid point and not stupid at all. If he lived very close to you, then there would've been no excuse to not meet up more often and he would have asked you out more, or if not, you would have been clued in sooner that he wasn't interested and therefore move on. I think he's just stingy and can't afford to travel to see you all the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Did Mike help pay for your birthday dinner? Then his hand was full, not empty. And he also apologized. His mother is sick. His priorities and mind are focused on her right now. Despite that he's been happy to hang out with you and listen to you talk about another guy despite being attracted to you. He doesn't seem to be holding that against you - so maybe do the same for him as far as whether he bought you a trinket for your birthday. Would you have preferred his present rather than his presence at your birthday? His presence took extra effort given his mother's illness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick974 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Isnt it a bit early for Mike to be jealous of Pedro? You both arent exclusive yet. Being clingy isnt always a good thing no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 I know you liked him and letting go of what you hoped would be something special is never easy. But I think in the long run you won't regret it. For what ever reason 'fill in the blank' he's unavailable. . You deserve a real time guy who will make time for you. . anytime. any which way. Close this door and I promise you other suitors will become more attractive and you will stand a better chance of finding some one better suited for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 Batya, I certainly appreciated his presence..and, sure, someone may not be able to bring a gift on the same day (that's not unusual, so, I wasn't bothered at all that he hadn't) but, at some point later, they are supposed to...and, as I said, I paid for dinner for everyone...of course he didn't pay anything..he wouldn't...over here, when you invite people to your birthday dinner, you pay (custom). As for his mum, she is fine and at home now...so, he's not focused on her any more. Also, I don't see the connection between him listening to me talking about another guy, etc and getting me something for my birthday...why would he hold it against me when I thought we were friends? I had no idea he was interested in me, I'm not a psychic Patrick, I don't know if he's the clingy type...I guess because of the way all this happened (me talking to him about Pedro, etc) he is somewhat insecure and I can't blame him for that. I'm still not sure about the situation/my feelings/anything...he knows he's more interested than I am and that's not a great feeling. By the way, when I got up from my afternoon nap (and quite late, too, I was tired), I had a message by him saying 'what time are we meeting?' I messaged back 'was that message for me?' and he called me and said he thought we were meeting tonight. Obviously, it was a misunderstanding..I had understood he'd call me to talk, he had understood he'd call me to arrange what time to meet. On the phone, he tried to get me to meet but it's late for me to get ready and I told him so. He was disappointed and I felt a bit bad but nothing I could do. Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend but I told him we could meet on Sunday or Monday..whenever he's free. He said he'll call me. Pedro hasn't replied yet....maybe he thought why spend money on such a message? lol PS Mike asked me if I sent the email...I said I did and changed the subject..I really don't want to talk to him about Pedro anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larkin Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 I felt stupid writing that 2 hours distance is 'too much' but, apparently, for him it is...and now I feel a bit sad...not because of him but because of what might have been and all that. I dunno...2 hours would be a deal-breaker for me. Call it "geographic incompatibility". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 If you read your posts over the last few weeks you were willing to give Pedro multiple chances to see you after being unreliable to you personally but if someone didn't get the memo that they're "supposed to" follow up with a birthday present after attending a birthday dinner especially when their mother is sick that is a sign of rudeness/stinginess. I realize you're not seeing it as a dealbreaker but you're certainly making it a bigger deal than what Pedro did. Please cut Mike a lot of slack - his mom is sick. Everything else is secondary especially fine points of etiquette that involve material things (as opposed to being reliable about plans). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 Batya, I am giving Mike a big chance, in my book..considering I'm still not sure I'm even attracted to the guy..while I was 100% sure I was attracted to Pedro. Also, I don't know why you can't understand that it's not a memo, it's not my personal opinion, it's just what happens in my country. People either decline an invite OR get a gift..that's a fact. Exactly because his mum WAS sick, I didn't mention it before and I hadn't even given it much thought...but now that his mum is fine, I do expect to get something for my birthday and I would have expected the same from anyone who accepted my invite. It's basic manners over here, not sure how else I can explain it. It's not a dealbreaker but it's something that makes me wonder about our compatibility if he feels it's ok to just forget about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 I dunno...2 hours would be a deal-breaker for me. Call it "geographic incompatibility". It's all relative. I live in a big city and 1 hour, for example, is considered a normal distance. Mike lives over 1 hour away but he has no problem driving over here. Same would go for Pedro...those 2 hrs would be less than an hour and a half if he took his car..which he wouldn't because gas is expensive..lol. Also, it depends on someone's job. If someone works long hours and/or weekends, then, yes, 2 hours is a lot. But Pedro gets off work on Friday at 4pm and has to go back Monday morning. He's just too stingy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 He probably forgot because he doesn't know you well and his head is focused on other things. When my mother in law died I know my husband forgot to send all his thank you cards for the sympathy cards/gifts he received - he has great manners and in the good way -because he is a thoughtful person - but at that time I know he was overwhelmed. And I also know his friends understood (I did my best to do as many of the thank yous as I could on his behalf). On this point I would tell myself to stop looking for things to be wrong with this guy - I know it's because you're not sure of your attraction to him but I think you have to give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. Is he perfectly mannered -probably not (are you? he had to endure your taking a phone call from Pedro at dinner - and sure I know your excuses as to why about your phone -but on the same token he has an even better excuse -it's an emotional one not a technical one). Is it some kind of "sign" that he lacks manners/is stingy -probably not given his situation. On another note I think it is highly possible Pedro knew you were at that restaurant and that is why he called. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 On another note I think it is highly possible Pedro knew you were at that restaurant and that is why he called. What do you mean? How could he know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Did Pedro know that you were going out that night with someone? Not necessarily to that restaurant, just out in general. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie2006 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Mike not giving you a bday gift, that was before the "talk" between you two, no? Would you consider cutting him some slack on what he did prior? It seems like (to me) that you're more forgiving of Pedro's shortcomings, which (again, to me) seems greater than that of mike's. Also, please excuse me if I'm wrong but in one of your posts above, you seem to think that you're doing mike a "favor" (??) by going out with him /giving him a chance when you aren't sure if you are attracted to him? If so, maybe you *should* cut him loose bc being a "pity date" is the worst ... And plus he'd never be able to live up to your exacting standards... Just a thought... Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 What do you mean? How could he know? Because I think it's very possible he lives in your town or at least is there more than you think and I think it's possible one of his friends was at that restaurant that night and called him. You really don't know if he lives where he says he does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 Fudgie...no, he didn't...we hadn't talked at all yesterday before he called. Ellie..I'm not sure where you thought I said I'm doing Mike a favour..I'm sure I've never said anything like that because, for one thing, I do like him and I've said so many times. What I don't know is how much I'm attracted to him and he knows where I stand and it's his choice to continue on that path. It has nothing to do with a 'pity date' - I always have a great time with him. As for the gift, since, apparently, most posters here don't understand the issue, I have nothing more to add..except that it has nothing to do with talk or no talk. Regarding standards, not sure what you mean...I'm giving Mike a chance despite stuff that could have been a dealbreaker for other women (still living with ex wife, having 4 kids, moving away in the summer, not sure I'm attracted to him + the gift thing)..so, I don't see what are my 'high' standards exactly. Batya, I guess no, I don't know for sure, I mean I only have a cellphone but he does have a profile with lots of pics and his town's name (and pictures) in it..I don't think he would fake something like that online. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 But Pedro has already been dishonest with you so who knows what is true about him and what isn't. Maybe he has a reason he wants to present himself as living somewhere else. Do you have his last name and is he listed at that address? Do you have his address? Anyway no need to check - it's gone. Please please don't put the "no gift" on some sort of list of "cons" about Mike. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 I know his last name but not his address...I could look for it but now it's useless. As for the no gift, sorry, but I know what I want. The fact that it would be ok with you doesn't mean it has to be ok with me, too, does it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 I know his last name but not his address...I could look for it but now it's useless. As for the no gift, sorry, but I know what I want. The fact that it would be ok with you doesn't mean it has to be ok with me, too, does it? I guess where I might trip on the gift part, is he said he would get one and didn't follow through. I wouldn't have expected one but I expect people to follow through with what they say they'll do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 I guess where I might trip on the gift part, is he said he would get one and didn't follow through. I wouldn't have expected one but I expect people to follow through with what they say they'll do. That's one part of it. The other part is that even if he had forgotten, just yesterday I was wearing a ring I told him I had gotten as a gift last Saturday and he asked me which of my friends had bought it for me. Again...not a reason to stop seeing him but something to keep on my mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 You are right, you have your own standards and right to pick them as you see fit. I think folks here are critical of you looking down on Mike for not giving you a gift when you have let Pedro get off with far, far more. It's one thing to have certain standards that differ from others, but it seems that you apply different standards for different men, or perhaps the standards are mismatched. I admit I find it a bit weird to expect a present while when it comes to Pedro, you gave him a lot of leeway and kept talking to him even when he blew you off twice with dumb excuses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 I know his last name but not his address...I could look for it but now it's useless. As for the no gift, sorry, but I know what I want. The fact that it would be ok with you doesn't mean it has to be ok with me, too, does it? I understand that but that's not my point -it's more to what Fudgie wrote about how you apply your standards. I do agree that if he actually promised to buy you a gift he should follow through but he probably has far more important things on his mind with his mother's illness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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