missmarple Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 You met him while still hung up on Pedro. No wonder you don't feel anything for him right now. That's true and it's the only reason I'm still thinking about it..I can't be 100% sure that if that trip was before I met Pedro (and not just a day after), that I wouldn't be more interested in Mike. I just don't know if I can view going out with him as 'dating'...I never have so far. I wish he hadn't said anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happpybear Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Ya I agree with the others saying to give it a shot, there's no harm and I don;t think you would be leading him on. Just one or two dates, I'm sure he is adult enough to understand that things might not work out even after 1-2 dates. I knew he liked he you....I knew it! Everytime I read your posts involving him in the back of my mind I was thinking that Mike was into you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I sense a some hesitation on your part about this whole thing and I do think you wonder, had you not met Pedro the day before, would things be different? Let's look at it from his perspective. You are not in a relationship, you had met one online guy once when you met Mike. You keep going out and having fun with him and updating him about Pedro and how he's being a flake. So yeah, I can see why he definitely thinks there is a chance, given that you two get on great and you're single and this flaky online guy is not really working and you both know it. You clearly enjoy his company and he's a very nice guy. It sounds like when you've been out, it's been more with friends, not alone. What if you gave it one genuine date? No friends, maybe slight romantic setting, treating each other as dates. What harm would it do? If you feel no chemistry, you never have to try it again. But if you do, well, there you go. I just don't see how you have anything to lose. The men you've really liked have not treated you well and they flake out. Here is a nice guy who is here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luminousone Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Hi MM - could you refresh my memory? Doesn't Mike still have a wife or ex wife living in his house??? If so, that would make him unavailable in my mind... So you could tell him that you have never considered him available and you view him as just a friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
einsteins_girl Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 missmarple, did you really think Mike wasn't interested in you? I don't think I've ever known a guy to be so attentive (call so often, agree to plans, etc.) if he wasn't romantically interested? I think maybe you had blinders on with this one because you didn't want to deal with his feelings. I'm impressed he just told you. Good for him. I also think you should give him a shot, but I have a feeling you won't, and I think it's because of Pedro. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Hi MM - could you refresh my memory? Doesn't Mike still have a wife or ex wife living in his house??? If so, that would make him unavailable in my mind... So you could tell him that you have never considered him available and you view him as just a friend. His ex wife with his 4 kids live on the second floor in his house. He lives on the first floor. I guess I could use that as an excuse but I would feel lousy because he has explained the situation and I understand it perfectly. Hard to tell a guy whose home phone and cell phone and place of work phone you have and he's always available to talk/go out with that you thought he wasn't..available..lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Mike seems available while Pedro doesn't. Funny how that works.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Mike seems available while Pedro doesn't. Funny how that works.. You could say that again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 missmarple, did you really think Mike wasn't interested in you? I don't think I've ever known a guy to be so attentive (call so often, agree to plans, etc.) if he wasn't romantically interested?. Yes, I did. When we first talked (for longer) on that trip, one of the first things he said was that he's been trying to meet new people as all his old friends are married with families. Then, he was also friendly to others in our group (remember once we went out with one of those girls, the 3 of us) and when I told him I want to introduce him to my female friends, etc, he didn't react in any way. Add to that the fact that he didn't flirt, hadn't really paid me any compliments and he always seemed interested in what I had to say about Pedro (he offered his opinion, etc)...how was I supposed to know he was interested in me romantically? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
einsteins_girl Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 LOL, I hear you. But the frequency of contact and unexpected calls/texts to say hi or check in were a giant indication to me that he liked you as more than just a friend, especially given that you'd just met each other recently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I've never heard of a single guy talking and going out with a woman that he just met THAT much without any feelings on his part. Ever. Some people just aren't flirts. He knew that you were hung up on Pedro so he played it cool and played the friend role and probably hoped that Pedro would flake out, which he did. I think the fact that you two have a lot of phone contact plus go out a lot, yeah, he definitely likes you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Pedro has been cancelling plans, being flakey and inconsistent...and you've been making excuses for him hoping he's interested...but the guy who calls consistently, acts in a protective manner (by driving you home instead of letting you take a cab), plans time with you and follows through...you can't see how he likes you? I think it's just lack of objectivity. I mean...you're attracted to Pedro, so you are willing to tolerate more...you're not attracted to mike, so he just seems friendly. Idk, if you're not attracted, you're not attracted...but it's becoming clear that Pedro can't get it together...and that you're a bit hung up on him...so maybe it's time to block him so you can move on? Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
einsteins_girl Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I agree with faraday. Mike aside, you should cut Pedro loose. I haven't found much redeeming about him when you've talked about him, and I think you are giving too much weight to your physical attraction to him and ignoring his (many) shortcomings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Pedro has been cancelling plans, being flakey and inconsistent...and you've been making excuses for him hoping he's interested...but the guy who calls consistently, acts in a protective manner (by driving you home instead of letting you take a cab), plans time with you and follows through...you can't see how he likes you? I think it's just lack of objectivity. I mean...you're attracted to Pedro, so you are willing to tolerate more...you're not attracted to mike, so he just seems friendly. Idk, if you're not attracted, you're not attracted...but it's becoming clear that Pedro can't get it together...and that you're a bit hung up on him...so maybe it's time to block him so you can move on? First of all, I don't 'hope' Pedro is interested. He's said it himself he is. Mike hadn't..not until last night. Pedro flirted with me when we met, tried to kiss me, etc, etc. He may have been flaky but it's not like I 'read between the lines' in what he says. He has said (many times) that he wants to meet me again. So, in his case, I didn't have to wonder..the only thing I wondered about was if his excuses for not meeting again were true or not. In Mike's case, as I said, yes, there was contact and all that but I've had (and have) many male friends in my life, some of them single and there was never any romantic interest between us. I believe I am objective and he was friendly up until last night. Maybe he just hid it very well, I don't know..but men who've liked me romantically usually gave some indication..he had given none. Anyway, about Pedro..I can't block him..my cell is ancient, it doesn't have that feature..lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 One more thing about Mike. He told me last night that on Friday he had gone to one more singles' event at a bar(I hadn't because it was too far from my house) and he had fun, etc. Now, would YOU believe that a guy who says something like that to a girl, is interested in her or is just friendly? LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I guess I'm a bit different. In early dating, I don't listen to words. I think talk is cheap- I look at action! So what that he kissed you? Most men will kiss you if they find you attractive. Without action, they are meaningless. Walk the talk, right? And Pedro is showing you with his actions that he's just not into you...but you like him, so you listen to his words and excuse his lack of action. Mike...shows you he's into you. He shows you he's a stand up guy, by what he's doing with his feet. *shrugs* but you're not attracted to him so you don't see it. Which is fine...you don't have to date him just because he's interested right? But don't dismiss his consistent actions with being friendly. Friends don't behave in the way he treats you...especially not after just meeting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
einsteins_girl Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 That doesn't really mean he wasn't interested. You guys aren't dating, and you talk about Pedro all the time. Why wouldn't he mention going to a singles event? Also, he may have been checking to see how you'd react? I could say so much more, particularly related to your post about Pedro, but I'm going to abstain. LOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I think he's trying to play it cool because he knows you're hung up on Pedro. He's saying, "I'm single and I'm out there and I'm trying to meet people." that's it. One more thing about Mike. He told me last night that on Friday he had gone to one more singles' event at a bar(I hadn't because it was too far from my house) and he had fun, etc. Now, would YOU believe that a guy who says something like that to a girl, is interested in her or is just friendly? LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I agree with the other two. I think he brought up the singles event to let you know that he's single and looking, or maybe to see your reaction. You talked about Pedro a lot so, yeah. He's playing it cool. Pedro has blown off meeting you and he says he is interested but his actions don't match at all. Mike on the other hand is very interested and clearly shows it. It may be nice to go on a date with someone who treats you well and is actually interested and not a flake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 In any case, regarding Pedro, I do absolutely nothing and I never have. I mean, apart from the fact I've talked about him on here or with my friends, I've never initiated anything and I'd actually be relieved if he stopped contacting me (unless he actually plans on meeting me!). It's not like I make excuses for him etc. I just hear his excuses and it's not like we are a couple so I can tell him I want to break up..lol I imagine that, at some point, if he keeps calling/emailing without making any plans, I'll stop being patient (by patient I mean I'll stop listening to him) and tell him to leave me alone. Regarding Mike, I hear what you are saying but I know the guy, I've been out with him 5 times and I insist that there was NOTHING to show he's interested in that way...not a word, not a touch..nothing...he behaved just like all my other male friends..and yes, we had just met but that was how I had made other male friends, too..I mean we had met, had things in common, became friends. Also, when we went out, we each paid for our own coffee...he had bought me coffee once, I did the next time...so, again, like friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I guess I'm a bit different. In early dating, I don't listen to words. I think talk is cheap- I look at action! So what that he kissed you? Most men will kiss you if they find you attractive. Without action, they are meaningless. Walk the talk, right? And Pedro is showing you with his actions that he's just not into you...but you like him, so you listen to his words and excuse his lack of action. Mike...shows you he's into you. He shows you he's a stand up guy, by what he's doing with his feet. *shrugs* but you're not attracted to him so you don't see it. Which is fine...you don't have to date him just because he's interested right? But don't dismiss his consistent actions with being friendly. Friends don't behave in the way he treats you...especially not after just meeting. I agree with this 100%. Certainly, you're not obligated in any way to date Mike just because he's interested, but...I too wonder if you would have given him a chance IF you hadn't already met Pedro and had him on your mind. From an outsider's perspective....Pedro is a dead-end. He lays it all on really thick...words, words, words....and that's all. I will say again (as I've said a few other times) someone who acts THAT smitten over someone he's just met is nearly always not going to follow through in the end. Even if you do go on another date, I have a feeling he will, at some point in the near future, disappear on you or make some lame excuse to cut out. Just a feeling I have that he is one of those guys who likes the idea of love and being in love/being part of a couple, so he builds up all this expectation and "intimacy" (in quotes because it's really NOT intimacy -- it's just a bunch of flowery words to get someone hooked in). I say, if he does contact you and make concrete plans, proceed with caution and at your own peril. Sorry -- I just feel, intuitively, based on what you've said about him, that it's a dead-end. Regarding Mike -- based on what you've said about him, it's been VERY clear to me that he's interested. He probably hasn't given "signals" in your mind because he's hanging back -- at least has been up to this point -- because you're interested in someone else, and he doesn't want to lay all his cards out on the table and look like a fool if you reject him. I'm going to actually diverge from the others who say you should give him a chance. If you're iffy about him at all, don't bother, because he'll end up getting hurt, or at least very disappointed, and having been in his position in a sense, I'd hate to see that happen to him. If you don't feel attracted to him and don't know if you ever will, it would probably be best to just tell him that you want to be friends IF he is willing to do that, but otherwise, cut him loose. I say this being rather envious of you that a decent, age-appropriate, seemingly stable and normal guy is so interested in you. I'd practically saw off my right arm for that at this point (OK, not really, but it would be VERY nice to have someone that nice be that interested in me), but if you're not attracted to him and think you never will be, it's probably better not to go down that road. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 You are doing something as far as Pedro -you're giving him actual time and potential time -if he tried to make a plan with you again you'd agree to it and keep that time open, right? And you're giving him head/heart space. I always thought it was obvious that Mike was interested in you from what you wrote. It's totally fine if you're not I just hope it's not because of Pedro. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 So, I just came back from the date with Mike and, now, I know exactly what it is about him that makes me 'not-attracted' to him: he's very, very, VERY cautious? shy? low profile?..something. To take things from the start, he was the one who started the conversation. He asked me what I thought when I got his message. I told him I was very surprised, that I had no idea he liked me, that he hadn't given any indications etc etc. He said that was because every time we met, we talked about Pedro and that he finally decided last night to tell me on an impulse...and asked me how I feel about it. I said that I've only thought of him as a friend and (taking most posters' advice or trying to, at least) that I couldn't be sure about what would happen if we kept seeing each other..so, basically, I left a small door open. After that, we talked about other stuff but, the thing is, that the music in that place was awesome, very romantic, low lights etc and he could have tried to do/say something more romantic...I don't know, like holding my hand, tell me something sweet, something that would help me see him as a man and not as a friend. But he didn't. He kept talking in the same way he did all the times we've gone out together...friendly. I realise that someone might not want to appear pushy, especially when a woman says she's not sure, but, on the other hand, if a guy doesn't make any move at all, it's very difficult not to see him as a friend. I even told him at some point, later, returning to the first conversation, that, with Pedro (he had brought up Pedro again, by the way, he asked some question about my date with him), if he hadn't told me he likes me, if he hadn't held my hand, tried to kiss me etc etc, I don't know how attracted to him I would have been..it's not like the moment I had seen him, I had gone WOW. You would think he would take the hint but he didn't. So, yeah, as long as he keeps behaving in the exact same way he has so far, there's no way in hell I'll see him romantically. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Could you maybe start things? Like grab his arm while walking? Or you ever touch his arm when talking or anything? You could try it a couple of times to let him know that it's okay to touch you....and see if he takes the hint. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 I often touch his arm...I feel very comfortable with him. Anything more than that, and it would be like I'm hitting on HIM! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.