browneyedgirl36 Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I emailed Pedro and gave him a time he can call. It still doesn't sit well with me that for a whole day he didn't find a minute to wish me HP (and that he wants to celebrate with me is still debatable) but anyway. As for how quickly I would dismiss Pedro, I believe I've already been more than patient with the guy considering I only met him once 11 days ago and since then nothing but a few emails and a couple of phonecalls and a suggestion to meet 2 hrs away in another 15 days! That's why I've set that limit for next weekend. I can't keep talking to him and build a fantasy in my head if he makes zero effort to meet. I actually agree with you. I think if you had just met once, had some pleasant chit-chat, and made a vague plan to "do it again," it would be different, but...he laid it on pretty thick with the compliments, the "I miss you's," the attention, etc., and for someone who is that demonstrative (and, allegedly, THAT interested), he doesn't seem all that proactive to me in terms of seeing you again. Not that he's the greatest example, but my last ex, after our first date, called me a few days later and said, "I had a really great time the other night. Would you like to do it again?" When I replied yes, he said that he had his children the following two weekends, but he made a plan for the first weekend he didn't have them, and he followed through. He kept contact in between, but it wasn't *too* much -- just enough to show interest and keep my interest. Now, he ended up being a real piece of work later on, but...at least initially, it was clear to me that he wanted to see me again right away, and he made a definite plan, even though it was two weeks out, and followed through with it. I dunno about this Pedro. I'm getting a vibe off of him that I don't like, and I worry that "too-nice-Mike" is actually a really good guy and that the primary reason you're not attracted to him is that he's "too nice" in the sense that he's there, wanting to see you, being a good listener, following through with plans, which may make him SEEM like a doormat type, but -- I'm wondering if he's just really...considerate. I say this because I have been accused of being "too nice," and while I am a bit of a people pleaser, I DO like to see people happy; it's not manipulative (although perhaps it does come from some insecurity on my part, I'll concede that). I like to do things that make people smile and feel special. It's probably sometimes construed as being too available, too eager to please, and maybe a bit of a doormat -- I don't know -- but it's genuine. If I like someone, I want to make that person feel special. This Mike guy sounds like that type. And, I think he DOES like you, but listening to your stories about Pedro, he probably recognizes he's in the friendzone and is 1) genuinely OK with it; or 2) thinks things won't work out between you and Pedro, so he's staying on your radar, just in case. It remains to be seen. If you're not attracted to him, of course, you shouldn't date him. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone you're not. I just get the feeling that Pedro is a lot of slick sweet talk and not much substance, but...I could be wrong. Without meeting him in person, it's hard to know, and you just have to see how it plays out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Oh I agree that with Browneyedgirl but would see the HB text as maybe cumulative of what else he has done/not done but on its own not a big deal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 Well, Pedro called, wished me Happy Birthday, added that he'd like to be next to me tonight (if I had a euro for every time he said that, I'd be rich) and we chatted for 15 minutes...I mentioned that I've decided on a place with live music for Saturday and he repeated that he'll let me know on Thursday. I don't feel I know him well enough to ask what it will depend on but, yeah, it pissed me off..once more. Then I had some relatives over for my birthday and a cousin who is close to me but we don't talk that often (she's my age and married and I don't get along with her husband) asked how 'my internet dating' is going and I told her all about Pedro and now I'm confused again. She said she thinks I'm too hard on him, that to her it sounds like he's very interested and that even if he doesn't come this weekend, I should take that trip next weekend to see him in person once more and talk about my doubts etc. and if his explanations aren't satisfying, I could end things...that since I'm so rarely attracted to someone (she knows me too well..lol), I should, at least, give it a shot etc etc etc...and now my head is spinning again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 I worry that "too-nice-Mike" is actually a really good guy and that the primary reason you're not attracted to him is that he's "too nice" in the sense that he's there, wanting to see you, being a good listener, following through with plans, which may make him SEEM like a doormat type, but -- I'm wondering if he's just really...considerate. No, that's not true. I mean, I'd seen Mike and talked to him before I got to know him better (during that trip) and I was never attracted to him not even for a second...and when I had first seen him, I didn't even know Pedro and I didn't know what kind of personality he has. I had thought 'ah ok that guy seems nice' but wasn't attracted at all. After we talked more on the trip and stuff, I liked him very much as a friend. It's very clear to me that I couldn't date him..at least not now. If we stay friends, I don't know what may happen in the future..I've had relationships with friends before..in one case with a guy I was friends with for a whole year..so, I never say never but I can say that right now I'm not at all interested in him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 The thing is, if Pedro really wanted to see you, he'd make the time to. And if he can't, he should not be on a dating website, because he obviously doesn't have the time to put enough into a relationship to make it go anywhere. He may be a nice guy and all, but how long are you going to wait for him to make time for you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 Even though we had said good night on the phone, Pedro just emailed me....happy birthday, once more...sweet dreams and many many many kisses...lately, I can't sleep without thinking about you and how I had felt when I first saw you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 He may be a nice guy and all, but how long are you going to wait for him to make time for you? That's exactly the problem. Whatever the reason is, the thing is that he doesn't seem to be able to/want to (I'm not sure which one but it doesn't matter, anyway) meet me again...this Saturday is a great opportunity..if he misses it, I don't think I'll be able to get over it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Even though we had said good night on the phone, Pedro just emailed me....happy birthday, once more...sweet dreams and many many many kisses...lately, I can't sleep without thinking about you and how I had felt when I first saw you Hmm, this makes me feel uncomfortable. It feels like he's paying you lip service and keeping you on the hook since he hasn't backed it up with action all this time (ie hasn't come see you again since the first meet). I too am curious why he has to wait till Thursday to confirm about Saturday. Hate to say this but if he's really interested, I'd think he'd make an effort to come, unless there are extenuating circumstances (but then he did have a few of those lately, or so he says, so...) I agree if he doesn't make it to the next date, definitely cut him off. Too bad that's almost another two weeks away! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I think Saturday is a good ultimatum for him. Promise yourself that if he doesn't make the arrangements to see you on Saturday, then send him on his way. You've given him plenty of notice, and like notalady says, everything so far has been lip service. If he wants to see you the way he keeps saying he does, he'll make his schedule fit around you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 Do you think that if he says he can't make it (which I have a feeling he will!), I should ask why? Or just say ok and leave it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I think the fact that it's the umpteenth time he can't make it, will speak for itself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 Well, basically, it will be the 2nd time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Hmm, this makes me feel uncomfortable. It feels like he's paying you lip service and keeping you on the hook since he hasn't backed it up with action all this time (ie hasn't come see you again since the first meet). I too am curious why he has to wait till Thursday to confirm about Saturday. Hate to say this but if he's really interested, I'd think he'd make an effort to come, unless there are extenuating circumstances (but then he did have a few of those lately, or so he says, so...) I agree if he doesn't make it to the next date, definitely cut him off. Too bad that's almost another two weeks away! Yep - agreed. I can't believe that, on Monday (or is it Tuesday already where you are?) He can't know for sure if he's available for a date Saturday. If he's as into you as he claims to be, he'd drop everything -- save for maybe a dying pet or close relative -- to see you, provided that he was well and not home with a fever or something. I know I can't base what everyone should do on what I would do, but I have to say, when I have really liked a guy and wanted to make sure he didn't get away, I've re-arranged my schedule to accommodate his (though I didn't tell him I was doing that). One time, I was registered for a 10K (I run) on the morning of the first day a new guy wanted to make a date with me for breakfast. It was the first time EVER I missed a race, but I missed it because I had met him once and really liked him, and he had a busy schedule that made certain days difficult for him. I also changed an appointment I had in order to meet with him another time (again, I never told him I was doing this). I just feel that, in the early stages, if someone wants to get to know someone else, they'll make time. I understand he doesn't live in your town, but...he knew he didn't live in your town when he met you the first time. I agree that, if he cancels for Saturday or even tries to put it off again, you should put him in your rearview mirror. He may mean well, but intentions are just that -- intentions only -- unless backed up by actual actions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happpybear Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 If he makes an excuse, I would not ask hm why or confront. Honestly, I would just tell him that while I enjoyed his company and would have liked to get to know him better in person, I am looking for someone that is available to date and it seems that you are not compatible in that regard, so best of luck! or something like that. I also feel that he is crossing a line with all the "miss you's" etc. It seems really over the top... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 To me Pedro sounds like he is blowing a lot of hot air and his comments would send me running for the hills. Just so not my cup of tea. Of course I'm not you MissM, so it's your call for what you like. I'd just be cautious and take all his talk with a giant grain of salt. As for him not being able to commit to the date, I would have asked already why he can't commit. I think the response or hesitation would tell you a lot about where he is at and would save you all this agonizing on whether he is serious about you or not. "I can't commit because there is a situation with work and I might have to go in on Sat and I won't really know until Thurs or Fri, but I'll keep you updated as things go, I really hope I can make it," is way different from, "...ummmm...well....ugh....I might have to dog sit for my ...ugh....friend......" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Do you think that if he says he can't make it (which I have a feeling he will!), I should ask why? Or just say ok and leave it? I wouldn't feel it is my position to question someone I've only met once why they can't make it to my birthday, if they didn't offer up the reason voluntarily. I think he would probably give you a reason if he can't make it, and you can see what he has to say but if he doesn't say or is being vague, I would just leave it. I think birthday is a good time to gauge how much someone values you, as a friend or love interest. For example my recent birthday on a Friday night, one of my good friends said he couldn't make it because he's going away with his gf on that weekend, I was of course disappointed because he is a good friend and its a big birthday so I had hoped he will come. But a few hours later said they are now flying on Saturday morning instead so he will come. I'm not sure if he changed the date so he can attend my birthday or just a coincidence but I really appreciated that he made the effort to come. My other friend who had agreed to come said he may not be able to because one of his friends from interstate is here to visit, and he and his other friends are getting together that night. I said no problem, but was not entirely happy with it since he had agreed to come in the first place. But in the end, he arranged their dinner at the same restaurant as my birthday dinner so that he could attend my birthday as well (ie came over and chatted with us from time to time, sang happy birthday when the cake came out and brought me a present), I really appreciated his efforts to attend as well since he really didn't have to. So all this is just to say, if someone really takes an interest in you, whether platonically or romantically, their efforts will show, especially for a special event like your birthday. Although Pedro had only met you once, but he has made it seem like he is really into you (verbally), so in theory, he would make the effort to attend unless something REALLY can't be avoided happens on Saturday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I agree with the others unless it is a verifiable emergency life/death. And I don't like that he's not volunteering why he might not be able to make it. I would want the other person to know exactly what might keep me from being able to make it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 I already have some idea as to why he probably won't make it.. that the situation with his sister must be really bad so he may not have a place to stay and he's either stingy or really has a problem with money so he can't stay at a hotel. I believe it's something like that. Of course, that doesn't change the fact that he was the one who messaged me first and assured me that he often comes here..if he hadn't, I wouldn't have kept talking to him. I think he's one of those people who tries to see things the way he'd like them to be and not as they really are....I've come accross other people like that before. Good intentions but not much more. My ex husband was a bit like that, too and it was one of our biggest differences. Anyway, even if I am sympathetic to the situation (if I am indeed right in my assessment), it's something I can do nothing about as I am the exact opposite and if I really want something, I'll find a way to do it. Oh well, in a couple days I'll know for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 I already have some idea as to why he probably won't make it.. that the situation with his sister must be really bad so he may not have a place to stay and he's either stingy or really has a problem with money so he can't stay at a hotel. I believe it's something like that. On second thought, if he really wanted to see me, he could come here on Saturday or Sunday morning and go back to his town in the evening..we don't work in the weekends and it's only 2 hrs by bus (since he doesn't want to take his car)..he wouldn't even have to go home, we could have a cup of coffee and lunch or something like that. He probably just isn't interested enough..despite what he says. On other news, Gabriel, the doctor, messaged me good morning, I messaged him back the same and that was that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I learned some time ago to put blinders on and my hands over my ears. If I needed an answer to a question about someone the only thing I would pay attention to is their actions. I get that you like this guy and I too would get pulled into someone that sweet talked me and told me everything I wanted to hear. Add in that I am attracted to them I want to believe what they are saying is true and give them the benefit of the doubt. But if their actions do not correlate, line up or back up the words then it's time to start seriously reconsidering your next move. People will often say just the right thing for a desired effect but it rarely has anything to do with us. I recently went through something similar. . the one I liked told me everything I wanted to hear and I was crazy about him. . but some things didn't add up so I cut it lose. I've learned this valuable lesson the hard way, more than once. I can actually thank my ex husband for the majority of it. When he would make promises and declarations. .I learned to say `that's great Honey, now show me" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Mike called me today and told me his mum in the hospital, she's had breathing problems and they put her on oxygen...but she's only 68, so, hopefully, she'll pull through. I haven't heard anything from Pedro since Monday night. I do expect some email later today telling me he can't make it on Saturday, etc etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 I took a nap in the afternoon and woke up to find a text message by Mike asking if I feel like going out tonight. I called him and explained that I turn my cell off when I go to bed...and I had slept for 2 hrs! We talked for a while, about Saturday, too (he'll try to make it, it will depend on his job) and I told him I'll have 3 single friends there, too...lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I'm sorry it looks like Pedro hasn't come through again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Mike sounds more promising, heh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 I'm sorry it looks like Pedro hasn't come through again. I can't say I'm surprised..the only thing that slightly surprises me is that he hasn't contacted me at all, even for an excuse...although it's early evening still..he may email me later..or tomorrow with something like 'aliens had abducted me'..lol. In any case, after almost 3 days of silence, I'm mentally prepared to give up on him. I'd actually prefer if he never contacted me again. Mike sounds more promising, heh. And, unfortunately, nothing has changed regarding my friendly feelings for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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