HElp!!

[CeeLambrini]

Your girlfriend and her friends seem very laid back with the subject of sex. They are not embarrassed by it, it isn't a taboo thing to talk about, and they are not willing to let society make them feel ashamed that they are not virginal angels either. I feel like I can relate to her because I am quite similar.

I'm not going to hint that there is a possibility of double standards here. The fact is, she has had sexual partners in the past and you haven't. Obviously you don't understand what it means when you have had sex with someone in the past, only for it to mean nothing now - but she does.

 

I think if you had an equal amount of sexual experience and you were still having the same problem, that would be different. But I honestly think you are just feeling a little inferior to the amount of experience she has had.

 

I don't think her jokes are malicious, I think they are simply her way of maintaining the unimportance of how many partners she has had. If it is kept quiet and shut away - it is given more importance and taboo, when it is joked about then it is less important.

 

She can't pretend that she has never been with anyone. Things slip out - the recommendation for a certain condom type for example. Knowing sexual positions that you don't, etc. You just have to stop taking these things so personally - she knows these things and you can't make her erase her past experiences because then she wouldn't be the person she is today.

 

If you don't like the way she is, then you can't mold her into the woman you want her to be. You have to break it off, and go find the woman you want to be with. A woman is out there exactly like her, but with less sexual experience and less inclination to joke about taboo subjects.

[superfan]

I think that you need to walk away from this relationship. You are asking her to be someone she isn't. You are bothered by her past? Well that's NOT something that she can change, nor should she have to censor everything she says to you/her friends simply because you happen to be within ear shot and are "bothered by it". By constantly reminding her of how you disapprove of her past, you are telling her (maybe not openly, but certainly with your attitude) that her past is something she should be ashamed of and looked down on. You are disapproving of who she is as a person.

 

It's fine to have different approaches to sex, but you are placing a value judgement on her for not seeing sex the same way you do. Eventually that will take a toll on both of you. I agree with her analysis of the situation: You either need to get over it, or walk away. My guess is the latter is probably the best course of action because it will probably happen no matter what.

[Notsure93]

ur approach on this is very off of what is happening but i see what you mean. This was never me asking everyone else about whether i should stay in a relationship or not I know i want to be with her. You are misunderstanding completely I want to get past her past but i can't do that if she keeps bringing it up every time i get over it. I have friends who have done the exact same thing she does so that's not what bothers me it's just not who i am so i am not going to act like it's okay with me when it's not. If she expects me to forget her past and just focus on her and the here and now then you have to stop referring to the past.

 

You people that chose to attack me based on me viewing sex as more of a special thing isn't helping you are just trying to throw gasoline on fire. I don't like her past and that may be something that causes me to break up with her if i can't get over it. What i asked was does anyone have some advice as to how i get over it. She won't break up with me i treat her way better than any of the other guys combined. I buy flowers take her out to dinner, open doors and hold her hand in public. I think this has a lot of potential it is just something I am honestly trying to get over completely and it just isn't working as of now. So again if any of you have any advice as to what i can do to help forget or to get over the past i would be much obliged.

[Notsure93]

I don't hate who she is by any means we just agreed the past is the past like i said it's not like i never did anything i just never let it go all the way ( personal choice) it felt right with her so it happened but, we agree to leave the past in the past i don't wanna hear about her one night stands just like im sure she doesn't wanna hear about the other girls that use to suck my . A relationship is give and take and I am there for her through everything i give her literally everything she wants in a man and i love everything about her except for this.

[Notsure93]

I think this is your only answer. You either have to come to terms with the fact that she has a past (as does everybody), or you end it and move on with your life. As long as you can't accept it, keep harping on about it, keep over thinking it all the time, then your relationship is doomed. It will NOT work. Either agree to disagree and let it go once and for all, or move on.

 

this doesn't help at all you pointed out exactly what i asked you not to do.

[Notsure93]

I think you two should end it because it sounds like you aren't compatible. The sex isn't the main issue here. It is the attitude towards it and you are a more conversative person than she. You can't change her.

 

No the her bringing up the past is the main issue. And your right i am more conservative but, i am not asking on how to get past being conservative i asked for advice on how to get past her past. I have no intentions of breaking up with her anytime soon.

[Capricorn3]

this doesn't help at all you pointed out exactly what i asked you not to do.

So what exactly do you want to hear? Basically, when it comes down to it, it seems you two are incompatible and therefore the relationship will always be difficult and rarely will it work. Secondly, you ask how to get over it. The only way to get over it, is to learn to accept this part of her life. As long as you don't, can't or refuse to accept it, your relationship will NOT work. There is no other answer.

 

That said, incompatible relationships are usually doomed.

[Notsure93]

So what exactly do you want to hear? Basically, when it comes down to it, it seems you two are incompatible and therefore the relationship will always be difficult and rarely will it work. Secondly, you ask how to get over it. The only way to get over it, is to learn to accept this part of her life. As long as you don't, can't or refuse to accept it, your relationship will NOT work. There is no other answer.

 

That said, incompatible relationships are usually doomed.

 

 

It's not that we aren't compatable we are in every way except for this and even with her past she still thoroughly enjoys the sex we have it's not the sex that gets in the way it's the way the past is brought up instead of leaving it in the past.

[alli]

It's not that we aren't compatable we are in every way except for this and even with her past she still thoroughly enjoys the sex we have it's not the sex that gets in the way it's the way the past is brought up instead of leaving it in the past.

 

It seems like what you really want is for someone to give you concrete advice on how to literally "get over it". I don't think that there is really any actual way of telling someone to do that other than to just say that you need to get over it. You are looking for someone to tell you exactly "how" to do something and there is just no way to tell someone how to do that. It's like trying to explain to a blind person what colors look like. You just can't do it.

 

It doesn't really matter what anyone tells you about what your girlfriend should be doing in this situation. She isn't here asking for advice to heed. Even if everyone told you that your girlfriend is wrong in what she is doing, how will that help you? Because even if everyone here said she needs to do something different, she won't do it because she isn't seeing or asking for all of this advice.

 

The only thing you can do is modify yourself. And the only way you can do that is by changing your mindset and adjusting your expectations. And if you are unable to do that, what other choice do you have but to break up?

 

When you said your girlfriend makes crude jokes about her previous sexual experiences, it can be difficult to distinguish in an online forum whether or not her jokes cross the line or whether you are expecting her to censor herself beyond what most people would consider reasonable. For example, if you are offended that she said something about a condom brand that you know you two have not used together, that seems unreasonable. If she jokes in front of you and 10 other people about "That one time in January 2011 when she did it with Josh for 3 hours straight in a movie theater bathroom and they tried 5 new positions", most people would probably say she crossed the line.

 

So from your description, it's kind of hard to tell which type of "jokes" she is mostly saying and whether or not you are taking this too personally or if she needs to tone it down.

[Ms Darcy]

It's not that we aren't compatable we are in every way except for this ...

 

We are compatible in every way except for this important way = we are not compatible.