Delacrank's Self Control Journal

[junebug123]

Stayed up yesterday till about 2 in the morning doing nothing but lifting weights and watching anime. I woke up at around 10 made pancakes, did some homework, organized my room a little went out played handball, came home ate some Chinese, took a short nap, iced my knees and then pretty much stayed awake watching videos and working out because i was bored.

 

I have gotten comfortable with staying home but starting next week, i told myself i would go out to the city and look for work everyday. I know what my main problem is, motivation. I don't know why this is a repeating theme in my life, yet it is a continual one, lack of motivation. Even the book i was reading, i stopped reading it, sometimes it feels hopeless because everytime i come up with a new idea or method to break this addiction, i fall back into it regardless.

 

 

Somehow, i feel like i am killing two birds with one stone by allowing myself to work out while watching these videos. More than ever, i want to get back in shape since my shoulder injury, there are times when i feel as though it will never be normal again.

 

My new battery and screen for my phone has come but i have yet to install them. Everyday, i wish i knew the cure for my depression and everyday i don't try i only get deeper into it. There are days when i am writing in this journal and i feel like i am saying the same things over and over again. Who even reads this is beyond me, i feel as though if I were to paint a picture of my moods, then it would be like taking 2 colors mixing them and throwing those colors on to a canvas in any shape or form. You see, it wouldn't matter what the colors were because the theme remains the same throughout, it would be repetitive and mundane. No one wants to look at art which has no form or shape to it, yet these are my moods, they're never ending cycle of complaining and pity parties.

 

I know there are some people out there thinking including myself and my family why i even get into these moods and why can't i just function in-spite of them. The answer is simple, it is very difficult for me to get out of a mood and being miserable is not something i enjoy. Yeah, you could say that how do i know i will be miserable if i don't try? Yet, this is like saying to someone to run a marathon with a bad knee and expect them not to worry about making the knee injury even worse. What does that even mean, it means that my mood is like a bad knee injury and that i don't want to risk it getting worse by stressing it. You see the truth is the reason i lost this job in the first place was because i was depressed and too lazy to do my job properly and made these huge mistakes back to back within a span of 1 week.

 

There are times when i think that i have developed a system for managing my moods and handling conflict at work, and dealing with stress; and those are the times when i realize that i am delusion and in 6 months to a year i will have another falling out.

[junebug123]

My day was going fine until i decided to come home and felt a wave of exhaustion hit me instantly. Now, i feel depressed and i have been drinking tea to boost my spirits. Also, i am really pissed because the products i brought didn't help my phone and i think i might have ruined it in trying to fix it. Last time i try to buy counterfeit products.

[junebug123]

Woke up really early today, don't have any major plans besides just trying to play handball and do some homework. I don't know why i am so apposed to making plans for the day. This may be one of my biggest pet peeves, I am also suffering from boredom yet i refuse to make plans, there has to be some balance here. Lately, i find that i have been writing in the journal less and less, I am sure it has to do with my eating habits, since i stopped working i have been eating a lot less than i was before.

 

Also, I am tired of giving people advice in general, you ever notice how much time i wasted on helping people who don't want help? I have been noticing more and more not to bother helping anyone unless they ask for it. Humans in general are very narcissistic creatures they don't listen very well and are even worse at accepting criticism and accepting that they are wrong. The ego seems to be the main factor for all these flaws, its the one thing which humans protect until their dying breathe yet, they never realize how much it actually hurts them.

 

This is something i noticed about intelligent people or even children, they aren't afraid of learning or accepting new ideas, their ego won't simply say well this person is smarter than me so let me listen to what he is saying. You see, in order to listen to someone, you need to have an open heart and not judge that person's information prior to hearing it, the problem that most people have, is that they aren't very intelligent themselves, so discerning correct from incorrect information is often a problem for them. They are likely to listen to false information and accept it as fact because, they couldn't bother researching this new information, or they didn't have a sufficient pool of information from which to check this new information by.

 

Now this lack of information starts becoming a problem at around the age of 14 or 15, when may people are out in the real world and have to decide for themselves whether or not to trust what someone says. However, trust is based on respect and respect is not something which is shared amongst most people. In fact, most people in the society i live in don't respect anyone, they only respect two things money and their ego. If you could imagine walking around all day surrounded by people like this, welcome to my world.

 

Things become even more tiresome when these same individuals start to make small accomplishments like having a job or having some sort of responsibility. These new responsibilities boost a person's ego even more and now they feel superior to the average person, they feel as though they have accomplished so much. Yet, these same individuals will not take the time to compare themselves to another person's achievements, or even bother to understand someone new person who hasn't earned their respect. This is due to the fact that they don't have "time" to learn about new individuals and therefore they have to make judgements based on appearance and impressions.

 

I will often find that many people are very confused as to what intelligence is, they base so much of their opinions on a person's profession or appearance, their world is all of a sudden a replication of every other individual who also makes the same assumptions and yet all these individuals are flawed in their logic. Why are they flawed, because their understanding of the world around them is very very small. This doesn't mean that all people are the same way, in fact i often encounter many individuals who don't have inflated egos, are curious about the world around them, and also are very passionate about listening and respecting most people who they encounter.

 

Yet, you will find that these people are the easiest ones to take advantage of because of their good will and good nature. While the ones who shelter themselves are often less likely to become cheated or hurt in any shape or form. The only compromise is finding individuals which all people can respect and trust without the worry of becoming wronged or cheated. This is why we have society to indoctrinate certain individuals with power above the rest, police for example. A person sees a policeman or woman they are likely to believe almost anything they say, because society has given this institution their seal of approval, same thing with teachers, judges, doctors and other skilled professionals. People are more likely to believe these individuals because they have had some sort of training and suffered the scrutiny of their peers in order to be able to perform this job.

 

The world becomes a very disorganized web of information, no one can form any type of logic or reason about is true and what is false, people simply assume that others know what they are talking about based on titles. They don't bother to scrutinize these professionals any more than society has already, because they simply don't have the time. You see, their time is spent on other more important things, like working on their appearance, entertainment, scholastic education and romance. So many individuals are chasing the same thing, that discerning one individual from the next often becomes a difficult ordeal. Sympathizing with these individuals becomes impossible once you start to notice their flaws. And this is why i have so many problems with people all the time.

 

I cannot sympathize with people, i wish i could, but the way i was raised made it very very hard for me to sympathize with others.

[junebug123]

Despite the amount of work i have to do today, i feel lazy. Once again i left all my work until Sunday, this is becoming a problem especially for someone who doesn't even work currently. I don't know how other students stay motivated through and through. It seems to be a pattern that i wait till the last minute to accomplish small endeavors. Once again i wake up without writing a plan for my day. Maybe i will start writing my plans in this journal.

 

Something i learned just recently is the feeling of selflessness, and what it means to be a part of something bigger. I think this is what i have been missing for a long time now. Maybe i will try to work on understanding what that means and using this philosophy to achieve my goals.

[junebug123]

Its official i'm overwhelmed.

[junebug123]

Break Through

Its official, yesterday i made a series break through in terms of my thinking patterns and achieving my goals. Here is what happened, i wasted half the day on the computer doing nothing, at around 3:45 i decided to start doing homework. I did 2 discussions and 2 quizzes, i was going about this systematically because i knew i had so much work to do, that there would be a possibility that i would forget something. Following this i started on my java homework which was really, really hard. I got frustrated but took a break, came back to it, went on the forums read some information, learned something new, got really excited about what i learned and then continued doing homework.

 

Around this time it was starting to get a little later like around 9 or 9:15 pm, i made some pasta finished up the java homework at around 11:37 and had to get started on the web game homework, feeling confident as i had until around 2 am to complete it all. Turns out that this would be my biggest mistake, the homework was actually really hard and i got hung up on it, just about as hung up as i did on the java homework which took me about 7 - 8 hours to complete. I had to stay up till 6 in the morning to actually finish it, and trust me it was exhausting.

 

Woke up this morning, body feeling sore as fvck. Decided to take a nice salt bath to relax, and that was when it hit me. I did all my homework, 2 discussions, 2 quizzes in 1 day and at around 3 in the afternoon no less. This started making me realize how much potential i had, and other thoughts started triggering as well, how i could exceed at other challenges as long i put my mind to it. For the first time since i quit my job, i started to feel happy again, like i could do anything i put my mind to. What is more, i started to realize that happiness doesn't come from just playing video games and handball. Happiness can be achieved from anything, as long as you are attracted to the thing you are doing, you can be happy.

 

I feel like i hit a milestone, and even though i have made so much progress since i started this journal, this may be my finest moment. I have learned something so powerful i feel as though it could change my entire life. Although there are books out there on the laws of attraction (the secret), i feel as though reading something and learning something are two totally different things. To learn something is to understand how it works, be able to apply it, and figure it out for yourself. To read something is to have someone else understand something, and then have them teach it to you, through a book. You see most people understand things differently, and although we have a system of symbols in place to communicate this knowledge from one person to another, there is no 100% way to determine that what one person sees inside their mind is the same as what someone else will see.

 

Unless humans communicate telepathically we will always be struggling at the mercy of words or symbols to grasp new concepts. Many people cannot even learn information this way, they cannot visually see something and just understand it, they have to touch and feel in order to grasp new ideas and concepts. For example, have you have watched a video or read a book to learn something really hard. It would normally take a person quite a long time to learn something as say a foreign language, a new dance, or a form of martial arts. However, imagine that you practiced this activity day in and day out over and over again, eventually you would learn it by practicing, by listening, speaking, moving and interacting with others familiar with this language/dance/martial art form.

 

This is what i mean when i say that i feel as though i have learned what the law of attraction is to me now. For over a year i have been trying to radically change myself in order to better my life and conquer my depression. This whole journey started when this girl broke my heart, i lost my job, and went on unemployment for 8 months. This sort of behavior wasn't uncommon in my life, it is actually a cycle which i have repeated at least a dozen times. Even though i feel great now, i understand that the law of attraction isn't something which will just stay with me forever, it is a skill which must be practiced day in and day out. It is something which requires the most will power, concentration and perseverance than anything in the world. It is the force which drives people to complete a 26 mile marathon in under 3 hours, it is the will to earn the highest degree of study a PhD, it is the power to put three children through college.

 

This is the law of attraction.

[IAmFCA]

So helpful for me to read this today. Thank you for posting.

[junebug123]

Yersterday went along fine, i stayed in finished my laundry, cleaned dishes even went to the gym around 5, came home and watched anime while working out a little more. Today is very different though. I told myself that i would ride into the city to look for another bike messenger job and i was really excited last night. This morning i woke up sore from all the working out i did, also i felt a little sting in my throat, probably from walking to the gym wearing shorts in 30 degree weather. What's worse is that i decided i would still go even though it was cold after i made myself some pancakes, but then it starts raining.

 

This is what i was talking about before about the law of attraction. Your need to accomplish a task has to take priority over everything else. I really wanted to ride to the city in spite of me being sore and it cold outside, it just seems like a difficult task now because of the weather as well, slippery roads, etc. Everything bad i could imagine has happened and a better man would have went anyways, but this made me think to myself whether or not i should even continue to find work as a messenger, even if its only part time.

 

I think to myself, maybe i should just change my plans and work on something else, so i did. I put in a yoga tape in the hopes of stretching my tight joints, but then the cd wouldn't work because it was stratched up, following that i decided to just watch a video or two and stretch reguarldess of the CD but then my internet connection was really off. I feel like god is testing me today, testing my drive and i feel like i am failing. I know what i need to do but doing it requires strenght of mind, something which i don't have a lot of today. A new idea poped into my head, instead of being overwhelmed why not just work on things one at a time. This is how i was able to do all that homework the other day, i just did one assignment at a time, my brain can handle that even with my weak will power.

 

I will write down how the rest of my day pans out.

[junebug123]

Lesson number 2.

 

Focus on the positive, instead of the negative. So today was a total bummer, instead of just getting on the train and riding my bike around the city once i got there, i got bummed out because of the rain. I focused on everything negative that could happen instead of the positive. Had i thought about what i could have done to make my day enjoyable: read a book on the train, ate dumplings, go into new offices, see attractive women running in the rain; i might have had fun.

 

All i could do today was think of the negative: my body is sore, riding in the rain is going to be so tiresome, bike messenger work is so hard, i am going to be tired all day, food is expensive, the trip will be a waste, no one will hire me today.

 

So today is wasted but at the cost of an important lesson learned. Maybe i will write down the positive things so that i can focus on them instead of the negative. This is just like when i am doing my homework and all i can do is focus on the negative. I should be thinking of getting an A, new things to be learned, how i can apply those things etc.

 

Hopefully tomorrow will burn brighter than today, change doesn't happen over night.

[junebug123]

Its official, i'm an a**hole. Lately, i have been noticing that i may be too critical of people. I think this is what gets me in trouble at a lot of times. Yet, i am the same person who wants others to talk to him with respect and be kind. What is wrong with me, this idea started when i comment on the forums about some girl who was scared to go out with this kid who is 16 (she is also 16).

 

I commented advice to say forget about the girl because if she doesn't trust him to go out with him then why is he wasting his time on her. Then someone else said that was harsh and gave him some cookie cutter advice. Something i notice a lot on these forums is how everyone is holding everyone else's hand like all the time.

[junebug123]

Understanding how the brain works and why it can be a burden

 

So a little while back i was talking about the ego and how it can hurt us in many situations.

 

Humans in general are very narcissistic creatures they don't listen very well and are even worse at accepting criticism and accepting that they are wrong. The ego seems to be the main factor for all these flaws, its the one thing which humans protect until their dying breathe yet, they never realize how much it actually hurts them.

 

This got me thinking, how much of what happens in the real world is actually real and how much of it exists only instead our mind. Very small but precise example, watching shows online: I am watching a show i really like and at a very critical moment the video stream starts buffering, now i have to wait until my connection is restored (i use wireless) before i can continue watching the show. You see, what is interesting about this whole situation is that i seem to only remember the times where something important was being displayed in the video feed and was interrupted by a lag spike, creating an emotional disturbance in my anticipation for the next scene. You would think its absurd to get angry at a lag spike, yet this same lag spike only occurs in the rare moments of the climax of a show, how is that fvcking possible? In order to explain this phenomena i conclude that other forces are at play (the world is out to get me type of thing).

 

Imagine watching a football game, and a pass is thrown which could be a touch down, right then the feed cuts off and you are forced to wait for 2 - 3 minutes before you learn of whether the pass was completed, intercepted or blocked. Would you imagine that this is a normal occurrence and disregard it, or would you think that something had to have been at play for this to happen at that exact moment in the game?

 

How is it possible for me to actually forget about moments when lag spikes have occurred at random times during the course of a show? Simple, i have a bad memory or couldn't care to remember them; so if its so simple why do i still believe that lag only occurs when an important moment in a show is happening? Ego, in order to protect my ego i cannot believe that i forget things, i have to believe that i am a perfect being and this is where things get complicated. I have actually deluded myself into believing that other forces were at play in order to allude myself into believing that i tend to forget things from time to time. This is called rationality.

 

Humans are constantly rationalizing things all the time. Yet many of their rationalizations are based on protecting their ego, they cannot accept the plain truth.

 

Ex 2: Girl rejects a boy who is trying to go out on a date with her.

 

Instead of the boy just accepting that the girl is not physically attracted to him, he makes up an excuse to protect his ego. He concludes that she only dates guys with money, or that she is a snob, or that she doesn't date people of his ethic background, or that she only dates guys who have really big muscles, or that she only dates bad boys.

 

What's interesting about rationalizing things is that we are constantly deluding ourselves into believing the world revolves around us all the time. Our perception of things is based on our ego, it isn't based on actual facts. If we lose a game its because we had a bad day (not that we lacked skill), if we don't get a job its because we were over qualified (not that we didn't have enough experience), if we get into an argument with our SO (its because they like to fight) not that we like to argue. Sometimes we may get into more or less problems based on how big our ego really is, and once you start noticing that humans are constantly protecting their egos you start to see the world a little differently.

 

I am not sure at what age i started to discover this and other things about people in general, maybe around my early or mid twenties. It was at this time that i started being more sympathetic towards people and understanding that they were flawed creatures capable of making mistakes. Yet in all my discoveries i couldn't accept the fact that i myself was flawed as well and that i made a great deal of mistakes maybe even more than others around me. Failing to understand that you make mistakes is failing to grow and learn from them. There are some people who are constantly living in the past because they refuse to accept that they have made a mistake and they refuse to change. They are doomed to repeat mistakes over and over again. No matter how many failed relationships, failed jobs, or failed dreams they cannot accept that they are capable of making mistakes because they are too busy protecting their ego.

[junebug123]

So, its thanksgiving night and i am finding it hard to fall asleep because i drank a little bit much. Not surprisingly i got into an argument with my younger sister who is in a constant battle with the world to prove that she is right all the time. If i could ask her and other 16 year olds (she's 19 now, i think, yet emotionally she is going to be forever 16) what sort of gratification they get out of trying to prove someone wrong, i think the response would be something very plain. Something like, "I don't receive any gratification from trying to prove anyone wrong, in fact it is moral duty to correct someone so that they do not make a fool of themselves in the future."

 

Of course this is the sort of answer you would expect from someone at this age (16 - 19 w/e) who has obviously traveled the world many times over, holds 3 different PhD's, has won the Nobel peace prize and teaches advanced courses at MIT. You see regardless of whether they are right or wrong is not relevant, the fact that they assume that others want their advice or need their presence is what is the problem. They need to feel important and in this need they are constantly fighting intellectual battles over very trivial subjects.

 

On another note, (as i have already dedicated to much energy to this topic) i have been watching some very interesting videos about geniuses. One common theme which seem to reoccur was the need to obsess. Many of these so-called geniuses or savants or what have you will tend to obsess over memorizing information, oftentimes it will be information related to math and sciences. I don't understand why i can't find much information on geniuses who focus on philosophy or language, why is everything based on numbers. It seems to be some sort of correlation between science and what people consider genius.

 

I watched this video about this man called Rick Rosner [video=youtube;lcDfoo76dKY] ], wow i didn't even know there was an option to make video pop out like that.

 

Anyways, the video was very interesting, it got me thinking a lot. It got me thinking to myself about how much time is wasted during the day and how does a person go from being a type B personality to a type A. Is that even possible? Can you just change your behavior based on your wants and needs. Can cells change based on thoughts. This also leads me to another subject, if cells can change based on thoughts then what is to stop them from changing back. The problem is permanence. Change is just the beginning of the process, in order to actually complete the process of transformation . . .

 

I wish i had the answers. This is why we take this journey, in order to find meaning to the questions which we ask. There is no right or wrong answer to that question because i tried to answer it, only to realize that i am only guessing what the answer is, and that there could be a variety of correct answers which would suit a variety of purposes.

 

If i had the answer to that damn question, i might have no created this journal to begin with, hell if i had the answer to that question i wouldn't even be who i was today. I would be someone else, because i would have achieved transformation by now.

[junebug123]

Ahhhhhhhh, i can't focus, i think i spent the past 3 hours delaying do my homework since about 7:40 this night and now its 10. ahhhhhhhh

[junebug123]

I realize that i was going to be a little more anxious today due to the drinking last night. I finally finished the assignment only took me 4 hours, damn i am fvcking tired.

[junebug123]

Oh man, i am feeling overwhelmed again. I need to calm down and complete this work. There is just so much of it to be completed.

[junebug123]

Time and Time again.

 

I see the same patterns happen all the time. I was reading this one thread about bad boys vs nice guys on ENA, of course it would be controversial and filled with stereotypes. I wager that 50 - 60% of the people who even write provocative posts on this thread aren't even series about helping the OP and their only goals are to argue or defend their egos. What i am trying to understand is why people care so much about what some person who they have never seen, probably will never seen, doesn't affect them in any shape or form is posting some sob story about nice guys finish last, blah blah blah.

 

The man is obviously just having women troubles and is just rationalizing his woes and theories about why he cannot find a mate. Yet, many of the people responding to his post are calling him a whiner, and a this and a that. Yeah, he is whining, 90 percent of the threads are about heartbreak, job troubles, divorce, suicide, etc. basically its all whining all the fvcking time. That's why people post here, to fvcking whine and have others sympathize with them and give them advice so that their troubles aren't so bad. Yet, instead of understanding these simple concepts there are many individuals who are taking this personal.

 

Who cares. . . Why are you taking it so personal about what one man thinks about one gender. This makes me wonder, do these same people feel so insecure about their gender that they are constantly going out in the real world defending others who criticize their gender as well? Is there some sort of hero squad who patrols the street for criticizers and smites them where they stand? Of course not, many people wouldn't rightly have the courage or the time to constantly fight a meaningless battle; give those same people computers and anonymity, all of a sudden its fvcking WW3.

 

I'm going to have to quote Ms Darcy on this one here because i think she said it best

 

>> For the most part, I think quite a number of guys and girls on here who post with dating problems for years and years have major issues as well including depression, social anxiety and social awkwardness or just a very non-traditional attitude like no desire to be monogamous. They are nice folks but there are real barriers to finding love there as well. >>

 

Anyways, i promised myself i would go to the gym today, also i will write another more meaning post when i get back tonight. I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest.

[junebug123]

Practice over Procrastination

 

So recently i read this article about doers and what society expects of us. This got me thinking and actually put me in a positive mood for the rest of the day following the reading of that article. One of the points brought up in the article was people who had applied skills versus people who talked about skills which they may or may not have applied. Now, when i write applied it simply implies a skill which has been applied before in order to achieve a purpose, for example: a person who had written college level papers and received a grade or submitted a letter to an organization versus a person who writes casual poems in their free time. One skill is being applied while the other is more or less a hobby.

 

As a bike rider i can say that cycling is an applied skill because i have completed tours over 90 miles long and i have worked for several years as a bike messenger verses some kid who thinks he is fast because he rides a fix gear bicycle. Now, this got me thinking a lot, how many people actually have skills which are worthy of anything and how many people actually use those skills to generate a profit (i.e. work). This also made me reevaluate myself and my own skill set, i used to think that i was an interesting person because i watched anime, was decent at video games, wrote from time to time, spoke Spanish, as well as knowing how to cook a few dishes. Yet none of these skills are actually worth anything to an employer or worth bragging about, none of them are suited for anything in the "real world".

 

This made me consider, maybe i am a thinker and not a doer, a thinker is a person who spends all his/her free time thinking about the things they will do, where a doer will do things and think about the things he did later. I made a list in my head of things i did and things i thought about.

 

Think: Programming, various types of jobs, running marathons, having sex with beautiful women, being in a relationship, living on my own, dancing in night clubs.

 

Do: watch anime, play online chess, watch you tube, play handball, complete school work, work which consists of riding a bicycle, write in a journal.

 

What is interesting is the disparity between the things we think and the things we actually do, on the one hand part of me thinks about being this out going social person who is involved with the world around him, while the reality is that i am this antisocial person who barely makes any money while continuing to live in his parents house watching videos all day. I started realizing that if i were to ever become the person i wanted to become, i would have to start enjoying the process of doing and start practicing instead of procrastinating.

The problem

 

How does one transition from a type B personality to a type A?

[junebug123]

Bi-polar?

 

I feel like today i hit rock bottom with my computer addiction having watched so many videos that i cramped my neck really badly. I decided, i can't do this anymore and decided from now on i need to control myself. Following this revelation i went to the gym worked out for about an hour and then i ran 5 miles in about 40 minutes, which is sort of a lot for me. I don't know why i even ran so much, towards the end i was in pain, maybe i wanted to break my insomnia (its 2 am and i'm up).

 

After the run, i felt really good and even bumped into a few friends from the gym which was really nice. I feel like i am getting back in shape, to top it all off, when i got home i decided to set my timer for 1 hour at which point i stopped using the computer, and then decided to read this book i've been putting off ('Middle Sex'). I read 27 pages in about 1 hour, i don't know if that's a lot or not but i really want to improve my reading speed.

 

Right now, my foot has a blister on it and my right hip is cramping up on me a lot. I think maybe i should have stuck to the 3 half miles like i did last time instead of pushing for the extra mile and a half.

 

I noticed that people at the gym were sort of fat. I mean, both my friends seem to have put on weight and then i started noticing my cousin had gained some pounds as well. It strikes me as weird because all these people are regulars at the gym. My main exercise is handball and i am in better shape then most of those guys. While many of them have more muscle mass then me, many of them lack the flexibility and cardio which i have, not to mention that i am also packing a flat stomach (getting there kind of). Since i stopped working at my old job i put on a little bit of weight as well, i know i started this entry with bi-polar and now i am talking about the gym . . .

 

So, after the reading and the workout i figured my body would be tired, not to mention that i was feeling in high spirits about all the progressive things i did that day (cleaning my room, etc.). Yet, i come home and after reading its like i feel crappy again. What is also annoying is reading some of these threads about women who don't get enough sex from their men. I am so deprived at this point i just get envious at having to read this sort of stuff. Its funny how i go from wanting a relationship 3 months back into feeling like sleeping with anything with 2 legs at this point.

 

My thoughts are so all over the place tonight. This is probably the worst entry i have written in a while. I am feeling down about myself now, this is what i mean about the bi-polar question. How can i go from feeling so together and on top of the world to feeling depressed in the course of 4 hours. No wonder my journals don't have more views, people probably get depressed reading them

[junebug123]

Woke up this morning feeling pretty much like i did last night, crappy. My body is sore and i realize that i need to motivate myself. I think that today i will try that other method which i wrote about before, planning my day out and see how it goes. I just got myself a little excited because today is going to be the first day in which i plan my day out before i actually start it. Hopefully, this planning will give me the guidance and hope i need to tackle it.

[junebug123]

We try and fail, but then we get up and try again.

 

I decided that i will not use the computer for anything except for school work for 1 month. This includes not playing chess, this includes not watching youtube at all under any conditions and this includes no porn. My grades for this semester are currently both A, although finals and final projects are coming up so we will see what happens. I have been unemployed for a month and too content to just sit back and waste my life away in front of a computer. Something needs to happen so that i do not do this.

 

The secret is making hard decisions. Enter the school of Hard Decisions. Every 10 minutes i will be making a difficult decision for the course of a month because my brain is pretty much focused on gravitating towards the computer every 10 minutes. If i succeed this month then i will know that not using the computer cannot kill me and i will also be writing down all the progress i make during this month. I am scared to even stop writing this entry in fear that i will immediately use the computer, yet i have some back up plans. We will see how things pan out.

 

Juan

[junebug123]

Where the true struggle begins is maybe at this time of the night, where behavior and fantasy meet.

[junebug123]

So, i ran on the tread mill for about 45 minutes today, i am sure i didn't do as much as last time but i couldn't figure out my mileage because the treadmill i was on is like broken. At some point my left ankle started to give out so i tried speed walking but then i got really bored because i wasn't challenging my heart rate and tried to speed walk even more, eventually i just decided to run through the pain for another 5 minutes before i ended.

 

What was strange was that i didn't really feel tired on the treadmill but afterwards i felt like i had to sit down, that's how tired i was. Lately, i have been hitting the gym a lot and working out in my room a lot. I think i strained my left shoulder a little bit because i was working out with my cousin and he lifts like 20 - 30 pounds more than me on every exercise but he has also been going to the gym for like a year and a half. He is also younger than me by like 6 or 7 years so in trying to not look like a wimp to him i pushed myself a little more than i normally would in terms of the weight.

 

I feel like i learned a little bit from him, in terms of what it takes to build muscle, he was really good at like focusing on 1 muscle group and then training the crap out of it. Although, when it came to running, he was like really, really out of shape. He struggled to complete a mile and a half. He said he never ran a mile or rarely does it and this time it took him like an 18 minutes to even complete the mile and half, i think that's like a 12 minute mile. He said he had asthma but i don't think that was the problem, it really had more to do with the fact that he didn't really try that hard (or maybe i didn't notice).

 

After he left i kept running and a short older lady ran next time me at like twice the speed to complete about twice the distance then he did (also she was overweight), so if she could do that, i really don't understand why he couldn't push for at least 2 miles.

 

Tomorrow, I'm going to this interview for some crappy restaurant shift job, i really need the money so its likely i do it for any short of money until i find something better. I think the company just helps restaurants out by providing by messengers to do deliveries for them until they can find someone more permanent.

 

Right now, i am a little upset at myself. My promise to myself was to hit the gym and then come home and work on making a software resume. However, i failed to do it entirely and still do not feel motivated to do it. I have to learn discipline, to force myself to do things which i am not comfortable doing just like i did with the gym. I don't know when i am ever going to do this resume or build this website which i have been talking about for ages now. Also, i want to learn spanish, i have so many goals and all this time which is being wasted because i am a retard.

 

I promised to make it 1 week with no computer but then i spent most of my afternoon watching 'One Piece' and then i spent most of my night playing online 'Chess'. I think i am still doing okay as long i do no youtube or anything like that, i need to stop watching 'One Piece' though, its becoming too much of a distraction for me.

[junebug123]

The mornings are always the hardest. Every night i have been going to bed at around 2 - 3 am, and every morning my alarm goes off at around 10 only for me to ignore it and wake up at 12:30 or sometimes 1. I need to start taking sleeping pills because this is getting crazy, last night after reading for a little i thought that i was going to have a good nights rest and actually i did, also i had a lucid dream which was really fvcking crazy and i kept telling myself that i would record the dream but in fact i didn't, because i feel asleep after having the dream and this forced me to forget about it.

 

After waking up its like i have no plans for the day other than the fact that i have an interview at around 4 in the afternoon. Oh, that's right my goals, to learn Spanish and to do school work (which i did, some of it at least). Also, i should be focusing on writing that resume, its funny how easy we forget our goals but remember our addictions. Maybe that will be in my next entry, remembering addictions while forgetting goals. Something i learned about motivation is that there is this thing called urge or impulse which makes doing something easier.

 

For example, i had an impulse to go to the gym the other day, my step dad has an impulse to watch TV, my sisters finance has an impulse to go to work in the morning, my mother has an impulse to do the dishes at night, my dog has an impulse to bark at the door when someone comes near it. Learning behavior so that it becomes like second nature is my new goal now. I want to turn my goals into impulses, i feel as though this method of creating impulses is the secret i have been searching for all this time.

 

Once i master this ability to create and generate impulses, i will be able to accomplish almost anything i want.

[junebug123]

So, i haven't been writing in this journal for a minute or two. There has been a lot going on in my life lately. Recently i got a new job but then i quit today after getting accepted into this city funded program to become a bike mechanic. I am excited about that, I am also excited about the small sum of money i made working and lately, i have been saving more than ever. Also, i have been going to the gym a lot and i am already noticing results in my confidence level and noticing that woman look at me more.

 

The other day i ran 7 miles on the tread mill and that was in the span of an hour, i was so tired that day and although this is embarrassing to admit i peed in the bathtub while taking a bath, because i was just too lazy to get out of a nice warm salt bath. Then i decided to crawl into bed only to realize that i couldn't get out of it because my legs were literally done, well my entire body was done. I lay in bed naked for like 2 hours smelling of pee . . . It was funny in a way, yet also disgusting.

 

Actually, i did much more those past two days then just running 7 miles, i also road my bike from my house to 102 nd in the city (over 10 mile ride) worked a night shift, woke up the next day and worked then i got home and went to the gym worked out for 2 hours and topped it off by running for another hour. I was feeling very manic when i got called for work, actually the high is kind of wearing down lately. And this is usually what happens to me when i am happy, you won't read it here because i am too busy enjoying my happiness : ).

 

Something i wanted to touch on in this entry, was what 'shes2smart' wrote in reply to someone having trouble at work >> No one will look out for you like you - the employer (especially a bad employer) is in many ways an adversary -- they want as much from you as they can get for as little compensation as possible and they will toss you aside without a second thought when you are of no use to them anymore. You're not really on the "same team," like they'd like you to believe. It's very much a "what can you do for me" relationship on their part, and (IMO) you'd be best served to approach it the same way on your part. >> . This got me thinking a lot, about the perspective with which i see people and how their incentives basically dictates their behavior.

 

Something i noticed with Chinese people in my neighborhood and in the city, was this thought, "No one will look out for you like you". They are always pushing people out of the way to get seats on the train, skipping me on lines, being inconsiderate in tight places, etc. etc. The reason i brought up Chinese in my neighborhood is because there is almost no tact in how rude they behave towards other non-Chinese, and i feel uncomfortable writing this in such a public forum, yet it is my journal so it will reflect my feelings however biased they may be.

 

It also got me thinking about Pakistani, middle eastern and black taxi drivers in the city how little regard they show for people in the street, to cyclists, drivers and pedestrians. I used to think that maybe there was some rationality to the selfishness of man, and you have to forgive me for stereotyping and generalizing an entire nation based on the behavior of a few individuals who i come in contact on a day to day basis. I feel like as i get older i learn more and more and when i was 20 i had no idea how naive and stupid i was. Maybe i am hyper obsessing about this quote, but in truth i feel as though it also applies to relationships between males and females. I suppose that at 27 well 28 in about a month I am maybe not that much smarter than i was at 20 and i have a lot of reading to do, and a lot of learning to do about people.

 

Also, i watched this film by Vice (i don't want to call it a documentary because so much of it is biased and not fully researched)

 

[video=youtube;TUzlmWWdjEQ]

 

It makes me think that we live in two worlds, one where mans brain hasn't evolved beyond its reptilian stage and the other world where civilized people create laws and uphold principles in order to live a certain standard of living. You see, i feel as though the more impoverished people become the more they obsess over basic fundamentals such as food, sleep, sex and money. Many of these creatures cannot think or feel beyond their own needs and have no time to behave according to what society considers standard. I could go on and on, maybe i will tomorrow, for now i have to go to the gym. I need start learning to sympathize with others, I feel as though this is my greatest weakness.

[junebug123]

Do you have a will?

 

So i spent my entire winter break playing hearthstone. I am spending too much time wasting away and then this is when something serious happens that gives me a wake up call. How long can you just get by, get by, until you fall flat on your face and reality smacks you about.

 

This is what happened tonight, well, i don't think i can write about it right now because i am feeling very anxious. This goes back to my original question, do you have a will. How did i get myself to this state where writing became so difficult. Tonight i will have to stop playing hearthstone because classes are starting up again, also i am in this program to become a bike mechanic and things are taking off tomorrow at around 10 am.

 

Also, what is it with people and multiple accounts. They are always asking the same question and even going on their threads posing as others in order to control the flow of the thread. Sometimes its depressing when i see behavior like this, it makes me wonder how two faced these individuals are in real life. I think this is the second time i have noticed a multiple account poster, today and then like a week ago. I basically answered the question asked on the thread, and then the poster on a different account doesn't acknowledge anything which was said and instead repeats the initial question over again.

 

This is also a problem i have having at home. Where people refuse to listen no matter how many times you explain something to them in different forms, under different circumstances it always equates to the same thing. There is so much useless power struggling going on for space, money and ego. At the end of the day, people tire themselves fighting for something which they could have achieved through a different means. The only exception is trying to obtain something via govn't because there aren't any other means to obtain those items: SS card, license, etc.