Delacrank's Self Control Journal

[junebug123]

Day 1. The idea for this journal pretty much stems from another journal which i started in the solo journal forums. The main difference is that i won't be talking about my day or my feelings as much. This journal will just focus on goals i have, and how achieving these goals will affect my life. I want to be able to notice the difference in the quality of my life before and after the goals are met, and I want to know whether or not I am happier living this idealize life as appose to the life i currently live.

 

My first goal and probably the hardest one is to make it 1 week without using the computer. And this is coming from a guy who has quit many many things in his life: a few to note. Nicotine (10 yrs.), drugs (10 yrs.), caffeine.

 

Future goals will include celibacy, refined sugars (such as high fructose corn sugar, etc.), and television.

 

The celibacy is probably the hardest one because i tried it before and made it like 1 month. Yet, i noticed a significant improvement in terms of my mood and my energy levels.

[junebug123]

Day 3, the amount of anxiety i am at right now is very extreme. I cannot calm down at all, doing homework with these feelings is like trying to put a string through a needle hole while on a roller-coaster. I never realized how bad my addiction to computers was, i spent 2 hours like gathering my clothes, taking dirty dishes off the desk. Most days i would just forget about the world and hop on the computer for 3 - 4 hours not caring that i had to wake up early tomorrow for work, or that my room was dirty, or that dishes were piling up on my desk.

 

It's no wonder i have no social life, i never allow myself to be bored, the other day i was so happy that i decided to quit computers that i actually didn't bother to go on the computer at all, i just slept all day after playing handball and eating dinner. I ate a really big dinner so that helped a lot. Also, i have been reading this book called, "Middle sex" about this Greek hermaphrodite, it's really fun. I finished reading my other book, what was it called, change your brain change your life. That book actually helped me stop using caffeine and i haven't drank coffee or energy drinks since (2 weeks!).

 

Some things i noticed:

 

1. when i am bored i will want to use computer.

 

2. anxiety makes me want computer.

 

3. thinking about computer makes me want computer.

 

4. computer isolates me from having a social life.

 

5. computer prevents me from doing other more productive things.

 

6. computer prevents me from working out.

[junebug123]

OMFG, constantly anxiety right now, a million thoughts raging through my mind as i am trying to complete this assignment. I am distracted every 3 minutes by a new thought to use the computer. Has my brain patterns been altered so much so that i never have thoughts to go out to do things at night. It seems like the only thoughts which are being generated are go on to YouTube or play this game, or do this online computer activity.

 

Welcome to the world of a computer addict . . . .

[junebug123]

Every-time a piece of an assignment or an entire assignment is completed, i feel like taking a break to play games or watch videos.

[mhowe]

So, do it. For 30 minutes. And then stop.

[junebug123]

Still doing the same assignment and i started at around 9:00 pm. I am finding that when i run into small problems rather than moving on, i get extremely hung up and frustrated. It is almost as if i am hitting a wall and rather than move on to other parts of the assignment, i just keep attempting to solve the problem at hand getting more and more mentally fatigued along the way.

 

This assignment was due last Sunday, why i am doing it today on a Thursday is because of this fatigue situation. I will put it off and put it off and put it off, until it cannot be put off anymore, and then i am doing 3 weeks worth of work in 1 or 2 day span. Very stressful. I have to create healthier patterns in which to progress with work.

 

This is what is killing me right now:

 

"Modify the main form so that the following options are turned off for nonadmin users:

 

Add New Employee

View User Activity

Edit Employees"

 

I know i will look back and this and ask myself, why i thought this was so hard at the time. Rather, i will ask myself why i let myself get so worked up.

[junebug123]

ah, i figured it out, i can feel the rush of dopamine now.

 

protected void Page_Load(object sender, EventArgs e)

{

// Save information in the Database

clsDataLayer.SaveUserActivity(Server.MapPath("PayrollSystem_DB.mdb"), "frmPersonnel");

 

// If Session Security Level is equal to "A"

if (Session["SecurityLevel"] == "A")

{

linkbtnEditEmployees.Visible = true;

imgbtnEditEmployees.Visible = true;

//Set the linkbtnEditEmployees.visible, imgbtnEditEmployees.Visible to true

}

else

{

imgbtnEditEmployees.Visible = false;

linkbtnEditEmployees.Visible = false;

}

[junebug123]

So i stayed up until 1:30 am last night and i still haven't completed the lab. I woke up today with a rush of anxiety and avoided doing the lab for another 2 hours while i made oatmeal and watched anime on the TV. I know that if i had to wake up to go play handball, or work out, none of the anxiety would have been there, yet because it was a homework assignment i was in no real mood to tackle the task. My anxiety was at an all time high, maybe like 8 or 9 out of 10 on a scale.

 

I tried to think of numerous reasons for why my anxiety would be this high, one could be that i had excess energy, or that i had no real plan for the day other than to do homework, to be honest there is no real explanation for it. Everyday i wake up to go to work and i feel absolutely no anxiety or if i do its because i am worried that i will be late to work, usually its like a 3 out of 10 not an 8 or a 9 out of 10. My body is just this stupid organism which doesn't like doing homework and it will give me constantly anxiety and panic attacks while trying to do homework.

 

I read in this book that people with ADD cannot concentrate for their life, and that they cannot achieve high frequency brain waves which allow the average person to focus.

I am not sure what the brain waves are called, theta, gamma, some sort of Latin words.

 

Well, i have to go now because other i will spend 3 hours avoiding my homework. Funny how it took me 2 hours to calm down enough to attempt this assignment.

[junebug123]

Anxiety through the roof again today. I just want to play 1 game of chess but i'm forcing myself not to. Every time i get these errors i start to go crazy because i know my time is so limited and my work is so much. Today's error is: "No value given for one or more required parameters." Geez, if only i knew how to use this fcking debugger!

 

What makes it worst is that i am on this sh1tty wireless connection and it takes forever for pages to load. I ping link removed using my command line and the request times out 30 - 40 % of the time. I can't even work in my living room, i feel like my room has become my torture chamber.

[junebug123]

So, i finally finished my week 6 lab. It was all my fault, if i would have just watched the video instead of being stubborn and trying to figure it out myself i would have been done a lot sooner. Now, i need to do discussions and stuff. This thing took me about 6 hours over the course of 2 nights, when really i should have been able to complete it in about 2 hours tops. Somehow, i am realizing how little importance youtube and other online endeavors play in terms of me completing assignments, yet they make the whole situation so much less stressful.

 

I have to relearn how to cope with stress because i am totally lost. I feel like that drug addict who turns to the needle or pipe every time he/she has a problem, learning to manage problems without turning towards the computer is going to be a new one for me. Now i have to do 3 more assignments, they are all probably going to take as long if not longer and will require my entire weekend.

 

Thank you JC for making your life so damn difficult with all your procrastination.

 

On a side note, overcoming this addiction is one of the hardest things i have ever learned to do. With other situations you actually have to make so much effort and spend money in order to obtain those highs, or drink, etc. With the computer its like your just 1 click away . . . Ugh, woe is my life, woe . . .

[junebug123]

Something which i never realized was how lonely i am. It is like i use the computer to pass the time so that i won't have to deal with the fact that i am so damn lonely. This entire experiment is making me realize more and more how broken of an individual i am. You get to a certain point in your life and then you realize how you are using this one object to hold all the pieces together like it was some sort of glue, once you stop using that object the pieces start falling apart and you wonder how you ever got to this point in your life without it.

[junebug123]

More anxiety today, i think i must have some sort of neurological disorder. How is it fcking possible to get anxiety every-time i try to do homework?! Do other people experience this sort of extreme anxiety as well? I feel like a the root of my problem is this constant anxiety and that may also why i spend so much time online to cope with this anxiety. I need to just focus and handle the work one assignment at a time. Maybe my problem is that i am getting overwhelmed too easily.

 

Breathe . . .

 

Breathe . . .

 

One of the coping methods which has helped me is listening to light music while doing homework. Also, i do breathing exercises. If anyone has any other ideas I'm willing to listen. Thanks.

[junebug123]

Okay, i think it was all the sugar in the ice cream and pineapple juice i drank, which was making me feel crazy inside. I have since calmed down and already figured out one of the problems to my ilab 4 in my PHP class. Now, i just have to do ilab 5, 6 and 7 woo hoo!

[junebug123]

Early celebration is often cause for defeat. One of the things i have noticed with my activities online, is that when i make it through a rough patch in terms of completing an assignment or understanding a concept i tend to want to celebrate and put other school activities off in the meantime. This pattern is so bad for actually completing more than one assignment or for completing assignments and then proceeding to be delayed when it comes to tests and quizzes.

 

I don't even know why i am writing in this journal like every half an hour, i guess its because this is how much i think about using the computer for recreational relief. Everytime i put an entry into this journal is an example of everytime i feel utterly compelled to go on to youtube and watched videos for 3 hours . . . Of course there are many instances where i have this feelings but this journal helps me to cope with the really bad times when i feel as though i have absolutely no self control.

 

The sad part is that i sad i would do this for 1 week, and look at how i am struggling, i feel like a dog close to a meal and trying to restrain myself. woe is my life, woe!

[junebug123]

2:23 am, and i finished lab 5. Already, i am feeling a great deal of relief. In fact, i was having so much fun that i contemplated working on lab 6 as well. It's weird how involved we can become in things which we normally don't expose ourselves to. For example, i could have loved homework this entire time, yet my fixation on watching youtube videos never allowed me the adequate time to enjoy doing the homework.

 

Furthermore, any thoughts i would generally have, would be dominated by video games and youtube videos, because my brain primary is focused on things which i heavily invest time into. The same could be said for children, work, sports, etc. I guess, this just goes to show you what a little bit of hard work and self control can bring. Yet, the week is not over and this is only the beginning for this journal as well. I am looking to aspire to achieve other goals as well, like working out and reading.

 

Also, for the reader to note: much of the progress i have made on ENA is highly contributed to writing extensively for a period of almost a year now. I have another journal which i discontinued because i actually bought a physical journal, but i will be keeping many of my thoughts in this journal anyways. Unfortunately, i realize that this is one of those manic moments and tomorrow i will be flooded with anxiety and thoughts of wanting to play or watch games again. However, if i can persevere who knows what my thought and behavior patterns will be like in a few months.

[junebug123]

I slept in for most of the morning, did laundry, did dishes, making oatmeal again, and probably i should do homework now, but i am avoiding it as usual. The good thing is that i am finding productive ways to use my time. Also, i was anxious again this morning but after writing a little bit and distracting myself, i noticed that i have calmed down a lot. I find that writing and distracting myself are really good ways to cope with anxiety.

[junebug123]

So, it's 6:28 i've put off the assignment for as long as i could. I spent most of my day playing handball, then i came home took a nap, made dinner, ate it while watching this anime called ergo proxy and now i'm back in the saddle. The anxiety isn't that bad this time maybe like a 4 or 5, i think overtime it will start to die down as i get more accustomed to doing school work.

[junebug123]

Okay, this is a new feeling i am dealing with now. It's not anxiety, it's not stress, its temptation. I took the day off from work tomorrow, so now i feel like celebrating and doing whatever on the computer. The problem is i need every minute to do my assignments and complete a final, it's just that i am lazy and feel like putting it off like everything in life.

 

Learn to love what you do JC! Stop acting like a kid.

[junebug123]

God, what i wouldn't do for 1 can of beer right now. My stress levels are reaching new highs. I finished lab 6, did discussions, took a quiz, now i have to do lab 7 for one of my classes, another class i have to do this really hard thing but i can leave that for another day.

 

CRAM, Cram, CRAM

 

I don't think i can take it. Lemme drink some um, tea. I think my i have been eating like a girl lately. All i eat is pasta, salad and tea. What is going on. Would i even survive if i had to fight?

[junebug123]

I just can't even force myself to do the labs right now, even if i wanted to. I decided to take a break to watch another episode of ergo proxy and then i ended up watching a handball video on youtube. Boy, was that a mistake. At least i am remaining calm and composed and not letting it take over me like i would in the past. I must remember to distract myself until the feeling passes.

[junebug123]

So yesterday and today i gave in and ended up watching a lot of videos on the computer. I think i spent about 7 hours total between both days or maybe 8, i'm not sure. This week, i will go again and try to resist. I caved in because the remote to the TV was lost and i had no form of relaxation in the house. I thought it would be okay to just watch 1 video but then that quickly got out of control. It's funny how easily we loss control once we get a taste. I know this week is going to be even harder because i will have so much free time.

[junebug123]

So, recently i haven't been doing good with my journal or my self control. I have noticed that i stopped spending significant amounts of time on the computer but old habits have a way of creeping back into our lives despite our numerous attempts to force them out. My biggest problem is my inability to plan my day out. Recently, i finished both my classes and i had a short break from Wednesday night until Sunday.

 

I started thinking more and more to myself: why is going on the computer a problem if i am not doing anyone any harm. Other thoughts were: Well, i passed my classes i deserve a little treat, and i have nothing to do with my time, i am so bored. This is when i started understanding the real problem, I have no goals outside of school and handball. A similar situation happened recently to me at a Halloween party this weekend.

 

I was feeling sick, so i couldn't drink and i had help my friend set up for this party, after a while some people came but they were boring and what they talked about was boring. Without the alcohol the party was just boring, and this is usually how i feel at most social events, where the topics of conversation range from TV shows, to music, to work place and etc. The other thing too was that most of his friends were like sheltered white kids whose parents all make a lot of money, so i have a lot of trouble relating to any of them being that i am a Hispanic who was raised in the projects.

 

Why, am i saying this stuff: to understand the real issues in play here. One is: no goals, the other is trouble relating to people. And how did i manage these issues in the past: playing on the computer out of boredom and by drinking alcohol so that i could deal with people. Ultimately, i need to develop a sense of my self and understand my likes and dislikes before i can really rid myself of computer addiction. My sister for example: she writes and she reads, incessantly. I think the girl has read 4 - 5 times as many books as i have and she is 10 years younger than me. Considering that i have read more than 300 books in my life, that would mean that my sister reads a lot! She told me that she could read a harry potter book in 1 day.

 

She just loves reading, she loves reading so much that she goes to parties and reads! My other sister enjoys spending time with friends and dating guys. Most of her time involves making plans, networking, getting dressed up, and finding out about new and interesting things to do. She is like the polar opposite of my younger sister, she goes crazy if she's in the house too long and she is very good at dealing with people. She is also very good at work, because work provides her with money which is required to go out to bars and clubs and stuff.

 

Back to me, i am good at like 1 thing handball, and before that it was skateboarding, my only real experience when it comes to dealing with people and going out is to do drugs. But ultimately if i was forced to be in the house, i would choose to use the computer because i just loved going on the computer and playing games and interacting with people through these games. I remember when i was about 14 - 15, i became fascinated with this game called Diablo, and i played another game called Starcraft. I also used to love running emulators and beating old games on the NES/SNES. I could spend hours 8 - 9 hours playing Diablo and they released an expansion pack for the game called 'HellFire'. A few years later Diablo 2 came out, as well as Broodwars the expansion for Starcraft.

 

Ultimately, i spend my entire adolescences chasing drugs and video games, i never developed the necessary skills to set goals or use my time productively. I don't know why even now i cannot use my time productively, it's like i have to force myself to do anything not related to being on the computer. Well, i wrote a lot this morning, i actually had to force myself to get on my journal because i was feeling lazy. I have to get more into the mindset of doing things instead of thinking about doing them, procrastinating and then not doing them because it doesn't suit my current feeling.

[junebug123]

God, i am so frustrated today. I just lost a 100 cubits playing this stupid chess cube game. I was up like 3 pawns and then i lost my queen to a discovered attack with the knight. Why does this always happen to me! This is why i rather play 2 or 3 minutes games instead of 5 minute games because i get anxious and make stupid mistakes. Standard games are even worst, you make mistakes and have to stare at that unrecoverable board for like 15 minutes while you lose.

 

I know now why i procrastinate so much with school stuff. It's fvcking boring as sh1t. I am staring at this screen reading words and day dreaming, my reality is so far from what my perceptions are. Somehow, i think that i am this gifted human with the powers to do anything, then i realize that i am just this man child who does nothing but play games and watch youtube videos.

 

Do you know, i actually cleaned my room today and started lifting weights for the first time in about 5 months! okay, i am going to try to get back to school stuff again!

 

 

boring . . .

[junebug123]

The other day and today, i made a lot of progress in terms of doing school assignments and working out in my room. I know this is because i am sick and staying away from the computer to do other things. I think one of the biggest changes i have made is not playing handball. I never realized how much time and energy i spent playing that game and how exhausted it gets me. I may have be hindering myself all this time due to my handball playing and should have managed my time more effectively.

 

Now, I am using Google Calendar to send myself text messages as to when i am suppose to do school work, or work out, or study. I think this is the biggest and one of the best changes i have made in my life in over the past year. Of course i have accomplished a lot of other tasks which were just as important and difficult. Lately, i have been feeling so good about myself, it's strange what a shoulder injury and the flu can do, in just a small period of time.

 

My left shoulder is feeling a little stiff today, maybe i was lifting too much weight the other day. I need to be careful!

[junebug123]

Today was my break day. I just played a lot of handball, took a nap, made dinner, watched some handball videos and now i'm tired so i will workout and then go to bed. I realize how hypnotizing the computer can be sometimes, we get into these modes of thought or these feelings where getting off the computer or making smart decisions is very difficult. Realizing that this is just a feeling and that it will pass is sometimes hard to recognize. Something new which i will start doing, is setting an alarm clock, so that i know when i have had enough computer for the day.

 

The alarm clock will act as a reminder that there is a world outside of the computer and that other matters take precedence over youtube videos and chess games. I am just glad that i have stopped playing League of Legends, and Starcraft and Path of Exile and Diablo. That was when getting off the computer was nearly impossible for me, and i know that i can relapse at any time if i ever give in to it.

 

Playing handball was soo fun today. I have been sick the past two days so getting the chance to hit the ball again was like a dream come true. I won all my games as usual with the exception of losing to this one B player who cheated me a lot. He played really smart and he deserved to win the game. I also have to recognize when i am playing too much handball and when it is affecting my school studies.

 

There are times when computer isn't my only enemy and in fact, playing handball can be just as bad if not a worst addiction then playing the computer.