dark page Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 I'm looking for advice. I'll try and keep this sweet. When I was eighteen, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. We had been dating for 6 months. I didn't really want too, but I felt pressured. Anyways, it was the worst experience of my life. Since it was my first time, I was obviously inexperienced, but I can still remember how he laughed at me--mid sex--and said, "are you serious?" We both kind of stopped. I think I pretended my nose was running and left the room in search of a Kleenex (not to blow my nose, but to cry). It took me a couple more months to conjure up the courage to try and have sex again, but this time, it hurt like hell, so I told him to stop. I then convinced myself there was something wrong with me (even went to the doctor, only to be told that I was normal). I don't know what it was, the pain or the humiliation from my first time, but I couldn't bring myself to attempt sex ever again. We got into many arguments over it and eventually we broke up after I convinced myself I was asexual. Now I'm 28 and I haven't had a boyfriend since him and obviously no sex. For years I told myself, and still do sometimes, that I'm perfectly happy on my own. But every once in a while, I long to be with someone again, you know, to share moments, have a laugh, and yes, get intimate. But every time a man approaches me, I chicken away because the first thing on my mind is (well I can't have sex, so they won't want anything to do with me). I've turned down dates. Thrown out phone numbers. Even gone on dating sites, chatted with people, only to then cancel my account. I think I've created my own fear that stems from my initial humiliation when my first (and only) boyfriend laughed at me. Guys, am I a basket case? Girls, any advice? Thanks... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moontiger Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 Have you done any "self exploration" sexually? I think it would be helpful for you to see a therapist and discuss what happened to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 I think therapy would be a good thing. Obviously, you were scarred by that experience with that really huge idiot of an ex. Why did he laugh at you? Obviously, not all men will do that, so I would try to work this out in therapy. He probably made you feel really rejected but don't take that personally (as hard as it is!) He should have been grateful that you were in his bed with him!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rotto Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 I think therapy would be a good thing. Obviously, you were scarred by that experience with that really huge idiot of an ex. Why did he laugh at you? Obviously, not all men will do that, so I would try to work this out in therapy. He probably made you feel really rejected but don't take that personally (as hard as it is!) He should have been grateful that you were in his bed with him!! This. 100%. Has to be psychologically affecting you more than anything else, that's for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
louberr27 Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 You poor thing, its such a shame that it was a horrible experience for you. Your boyfriend sounds like a pig, how dare he make you feel like that. I can see where you are coming from with the 'creating your own fear' thing. I have done the same thing, although about a different matter. Moontiger is right, I think you should try talking to a professional about it as they will help you unravel your feelings and see it for what it was - one bad experience that you musnt let rule your life. Sex in general is a great thing. In terms of going out on dates, dont let sex be the obstacle that comes between you and getting to know someone. Easy to say I know, but a decent man wont expect you to jump into bed straight away. Theres nothing wrong with going in dates and then going home alone at the end of the night. Get to know someone and trust them before you start any bedroom gymnastics. I have a friend who dated her bf for 8 months before they had sex as she had an issue similar to yours, and he stuck around until she was ready. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
louisecar Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 I don't understand why a man would laugh at you during sex especially when it was your first time. A man should feel lucky that you are sharing your body with him. He was an absolute jerk. Please don't expect that all men are like this because they are not! He is definitely the minority. The second time was so painful for you because your muscles likely tensed up down below because your brain anticipated danger after the first time. If you think about being intimate with a man then I highly doubt you are a-sexual. You have just been put off because of your traumatic experience. ok it wasn't rape but it was along the same lines in terms of the trauma you must have experienced. Like others have said, go on dates. You've got nothing to lose. If a guy is too pushy for sex after a couple of dates then drop him and date someone else. Only have sex when you want to. You are not an 18 year old now, you are a 28 year old woman with more life experience and a better knowledge of what you want. Any man that is right will wait until you are ready, and when you really trust someone you are less likely to experience the pain you did the second time (search vaginismus). Don't let the actions of a immature pig of a man put you off finding a man you really deserve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosebud Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 i would urge you to power through, and stop distancing yourself from dating and sex. sometimes you just have to force yourself to do things, so that you can get yourself past hurdles. let me tell you my experience - much tamer than yours- is this: i had a boyfriend when i was 16-18 years old. initially i felt i was too young to have sex, and my mum had always made sex into an incredibly taboo subject and strongly disdains sex before marriage. so i developed this moral fear of sex over time too, as it was so frowned upon and spoken of in such a degrading way that i had told my boyfriend i couldnt do it. he was completely understanding and never pressured me. we did other things instead. but we broke up when i was 18 going on 19. After that - i also felt a similar anxiety when it came to dating. i never know how it would be, how it would develop, having to explain the same thing and the same barrier - when and to whom i should lose my virginity to suddenly then became a massively big deal and a big burden that only got greater as time went by. It finally got to recently- being 24 years old i started dating an older guy. he's 35. after 2 months i felt pressured to have sex, but NOT because he pressured me, but because i thought, finally i have to put my act together- what decision to i want to make with regards to sex? and, even though incredibly difficult, i tried to divorce myself from all prejudices and ask myself what I truly want, without being influenced by my mother etc. The answer was that I felt ready long ago and it's about time i faced the fear and did it. I was happy i picked him as my first. Though he wasn't 'the love of my life', and it wasn't all chandeliers and wine and music as i had maybe once upon a time envisaged, it was very memorable and im glad i pushed myself to do it. The most important thing is to make sure the person youre with is someone who knows you haven't had sex properly before (although you don't disclose this on the first date - wait until the 5th / 6th date). Then you have to make sure you're comfortable and that you trust this person with your body and emotions. Once those boxes are ticked, i can't explain how important it is for you to relax. Relaxation is key- your muscles will otherwise get too tense and it will make the pain worse. the guy had to keep reminding me 'relax' so i dont forget to, otherwise you forget and tense again. Trust me, i know how it is, and it's fresh in my mind. it took many goes for it to 'work' for me. many many tries. and the first couple of times hurt like hell, i felt like i was giving birth, that kind of a MISSION. now i feel like a burden is off my shoulders. by no means is it always 'smooth' sailing now- i hadn't realised how many nuances there are and that even experienced women have blips and glitches and times where it doesn't go to plan. its not always perfect but that's all part of life. just try your best not to make such an issue of it and don't shy away from relationships. there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. Remember : it's ALL in your mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 Louisecar writes: The second time was so painful for you because your muscles likely tensed up down below because your brain anticipated danger after the first time. Yes, this is exactly what I thought. OP, your vaginal walls and pelvic muscles can tighten so strongly they can actually hold in a growing baby. Under pressure you would not have lubricated and your muscles would have stiffened, and that's why it hurt. There is nothing wrong with you. You had an unfortunate experience with a clod, but I hope you please will not allow him to ruin the rest of your life. You deserve to find love and affection, and you deserve to enjoy sex and children if you want to. Please don't allow some thug to rob you of your rightful happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark page Posted October 18, 2013 Author Share Posted October 18, 2013 Thanks for the replies everyone. I know it's an awkward subject for me, but I'm glad I asked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 You shouldn't run from all of men because one boy was so ridiculous... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer89 Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 I am sorry your first experience was so wrong. When someone cares about you, they will not laugh at you for being scared or nervous about sex. The only time anyone should laugh during sex is when you are both in a light hearted mood and confident together or sharing a memory or joke. I think the second time you had sex, you were probably thinking about the first time and so very nervous and not getting wet, hence, why it would have hurt. Next time you want to try it, bring some lube. Better yet, date someone for a while so that you both feel comfortable around each other and you feel confident in sharing your concerns with him. Sex should not be painful, but a doc can not tell you all the reasons why it may have hurt the last time you had sex. A doc does not know where you were emotionally or how wet you were or if you weren't feeling well for some other reason that day. You can move on from this and you can be in a relationship! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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