Brokenheart99 Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 im having a breakdown. i just had a phone call with a guy i was set up with. its how i get married in my culture, its somewhat arranged. he was a nice guy, wasn't a bad phone call, we chit chatted a little here and there, joked around a bit. its been 3 months since i split with my ex. i found out he's looking to get married soon. anyway, i need to too, its complicated. i cant stop crying. he wasn't mean. he wasn't anything. we didnt have the best chemistry, but its better than i would have expected. he seemed nice enough i guess, a decent guy. i just feel so overwhelmed. with my ex, i never did. even tho i met my ex 1 day after i got out of a 2.5 year relationship...i loved talking to my ex. it was instant chemistry.i never once disliked talking to him. but thats all me and my ex have is chemistry. nothing else about is compatible, cutlure religion, age etc. i know sometimes i need to be pushed into moving on otherwise i just dwell, but i cant get over the fact that im never gonna have what i had with my ex. ive met so many guys in the time that ive been with my ex and after we split, none of them had the same chemistry. i know me and my ex cant work, i know this. but i cant get that chemistry with anyone else. i dont know if its too soon, i feel mentally ready to move on and i want to. and i dont think more time will help, because it will just make me dwell in my depression and i will get more sad as i know he is moving on with his life, while im stuck stagnant. and beyond that, i just want to move on and start my life too, and i have to. its part of my culture and part of who i am. i just feel so overwhelmed. idk if its too soon. or if its that i have to finally let go of my ex. or maybe i just realize that i wont ever have the same connection and compatibility as i did with my ex and that makes me overwhelmingly sad and scared and idk i cant stop crying. im sorry im having a breakdown. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 I don't understand. You had one ex. Then one day later, you started dating the latest ex. Which it "couldn't work with" because of your culture. So, you are allowed to date...but have arranged marriages? I am sorry, and I am sorry as well you are hurting, but that you are "allowed" to date, but not marry anyone but whom your parents/culture dictates makes no sense. Why date if there is not future? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Share Posted September 24, 2013 im not really allowed to date. i dated them even tho i wasn't 'allowed'. i met my latest ex one day after i got out of my previous relationship. we stayed friends for a few months before we developed feelings and started dating. so i guess technically we didnt start dating until a few months after. i dated my exes then because, well to be honest, i became friends with them and just developed feelings for them and i couldn't help but want to be with them. i know getting into the relationships were bad ideas, i was younger and stupider and was not in the best of mind frames at the time. either way its besides the point. it is what it is. its arranged just partially, im not forced but i dont date them in the literal american sense. we just talk for a bit with an intention in mind and are introduced by our families. we talk for a bit, if things seem reasonably compatible we get married. its a bit complicated to explain. like i said, its besides the point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 Well...if dating is just being friends and talking and getting to know them. Yes...it would be hard then to relate to a "set-up". But if you are not willing or able to move beyond your cultural restrictions, then I would stop trying to find feelings with people that you cannot have a future with --- it is a guaranteed "heartbreak'. You cannot do anything about your "exes" if they are not allowed in your culture. Hopefully, you can find these feelings for the man you are arranged to marry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Share Posted September 24, 2013 i already know this..? it was a hard lesson. i was younger and i fell for someone i shouldnt have. i know this now. for my last ex, i was willing to move beyond cultural restrictions, except he wanted someone in his new found religion, hence we split. again, i know this. this is all besides the point.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kittykat12 Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 What is the point? that you don't feel a connection with this guy because you still have feelings for your ex? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 What is the point? that you don't feel a connection with this guy because you still have feelings for your ex? Thank YOU. Because I don't get the point either?!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Share Posted September 24, 2013 idk i guess so. im not sure thats even it anymore. i have to feel a connection with someone soon, sadly its just my culture. maybe thats what it is, that i dont feel a connection, i cant really tell. i felt so overwhelmed halfway thru the convo when he wouldn't hang up. idk if its just cuz i could tell he liked me or that i wasn't ready or bc i didnt have the same compatibility. it just feels so scary, i came inches from texting my ex asking him to talk because honestly i have no one to tell this stuff to except you all. i know my ex would listen and be kind, but what good would it do me? i cant depend on him. we are done, he is moving on. having him be my emotional support will just make me fall more in love with him. maybe im just not ready idk. its so overwhelming. i want to get on with my life. i want to get married and move on. i just dont know honestly. im sorry im having a really really bad night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kittykat12 Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 Are you under a large amount of pressure to get married ? That would be stressful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Share Posted September 24, 2013 yes a ton of pressure Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kittykat12 Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 But you have a choice in it all? I can't really relate to that sort of situation - so I don't know what to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Share Posted September 24, 2013 i can say no to any guy i dont like, but i never really get to know them that well. we see each others pictures or something, he gives me a call, we talk for a couple months or whatever long we feel is comfortable(no dating in the strictest sense), meet, maybe talk some more and decide if we both like each other and wanna get married. how long it takes varies for people. i can say no at any point, if i dont like them, ill never be forced. but its never how i envisioned it, mainly because ive always wanted to friend someone first and get to know them a little and let feelings develop slowly instead of talking to someone without all the pressure of deciding whether u want them as a spouse or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 Again, if this is your culture and your family....how did you think you would be "allowed" to find a friend first?? Your parents/culture is picking someone for you...and then you get to try and be friends, and see what follows. It doesn't sound "arranged" in the strictist sense of the word, in that you get a veto. It actually works the same way with friends...you date for a while and decide. If you don't want to do it, can you just move away? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Share Posted September 24, 2013 its a little different. its semi arranged. sometimes some people meet in school or work or wherever else and then just bring them to my parents. in my case, im sure my family would be fine with that too except there is no one as im not in school anymore and work is empty on prospects, etc. so because of this, they use this as an alternative and a very tested of way setting up marriages. its different because we dont really get to date. our meeting is one with parents and when we talk its usually with a very clear agenda. i could just move away, i could do all these things, sure. but i dont hate my family and i dont want to lose them and i dont want to hurt them. they just want me to get married. they dont wish me ill, they are great parents honestly. very loving and caring. its a different culture i guess, i want to please them. i want to get married too. i guess i just feel overwhelmed, idk, maybe im just not over my ex or i just know i wont find someone as compatible. im having a terrible night, sorry. thanks for the input Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kittykat12 Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 Can I ask what culture this is? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Share Posted September 24, 2013 i am indian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lito Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 How long ago was the breakup with your ex, sweetie? I think there are two issues here. One is that you're not ready to meet someone else because you're just not over your ex, hence your feeling that you'll never, ever meet someone you have such good chemistry with; that is a typical belief when one hasn't healed from an imposed breakup. On this one, I assure you that it *is* possible, but you need to give yourself time to heal. And the second issue is that you feel under pressure to get married soon. I imagine your parents do not know about your ex, so it's not as if you can tell them you need time... However, can you try not to put *yourself* under pressure? You say they are good parents, they love you, and you want to please them[/b-- that is an enormous amount of pressure you're putting on yourself... I am sure your parents would not be happy if they saw you unhappy in a marriage you agreed to too fast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Share Posted September 24, 2013 We broke up 3 months ago. Maybe it is possible to meet someone with that same chemistry, I just never have yet and it's not like I get the time to fall in love and meet someone like that. If that happens I'll be stoked and I'm sure my parents will too. But I'm 30, which is ancient in my culture and as much hurt and everything I've put them through, I understand where they are coming from in a lot of ways. They are caring and supportive. They thought me and my ex broke up 1.5 yrs ago, it was a disaster when they found out about him, we didnt talk for 3 years. It's a complicated story(please spare me the lectures that I shouldn't have ever gotten involved, I know this now but we fell in love so fast). 1.5 yrs ago, my parents were pushing me to decide if I was going to choose being with my ex and marry him or if I would end things. It was too much pressure for my ex so he broke it off with me and I told my parents we ended it. They were happy bc they never approved of the relationship especially with all the difficulties. Either way, my ex and I got back together but I didn't want to tell my parents until me and him were ready to marry and go forward. We obviously never got there because my ex suddenly found religion a little while back and broke it off with me. But, on that note my parents think I've had 1.5 year to get over the breakup. And they don't know it's been 3 months and it's not something I would like to tell me. They don't want to see me unhappy. But they just want me happy and settled in life and they are doing it the best way they know how. It's not their fault. It's mine, I know. I never wanted to hurt them, it was just a terrible situation i got myself in. Please spare me the lectures of what you were thinking. If I could take it all back, I would in some ways but maybe not because I have never felt the way I have felt about anyone like I have him. They were some of my hardest years in life but they were also my best. I loved him so much and if it weren't for our difficulties, we had a great relationship. We would still be together now if it weren't for religion, despite the other differences. But religion forces us apart. Maybe it is too soon i don't know. Maybe I like guys who don't like me. I don't know. I just feel so overwhelmed. It's so scary to imagine these guys being the one person I have to talk to for the next 40 years of my life. I actually loved talking to my ex. I never felt bored or anything. I could talk to him for hours. Idk what it is I'm feeling. I'm so overwhelmed. Thank you everyone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lito Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 I'm so sorry for your situation.. and I don't mean your culture but the situation you're in at the moment. (and I certainly wouldn't feel the right to lecture you on what you should or shouldn't do with regards to your culture). Incidentally my sister-in-law comes from an Indian family; I'm not sure if she faced pressure from her parents, her brother and only sibling also married a non-Indian... You used the word 'overwhelmed' several times, and I think you're feeling depressed from the breakup and this pressure to get married so soon. I really think you need some time, to forget him a bit, 3 months is still fresh... Do you think your parents can tell you're not happy at the moment/that something is not right? Do you have siblings/relatives you could talk to? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Share Posted September 24, 2013 I have siblings I talk to them, they are supportive but as anyone would expect they want me happy. They know I'm unhappy. They see it everyday. I do the best I can, but they are my family, they know me. I have talked to them, but there is such a big push for me to get married and get my life started, it's really all they want for me. I'm sure maybe I could tell them I want to wait, but I've done that and while they can't force me, it makes it very awkward and I hate seeing my parents cry and everything is tense and she thinks I never want to get married. It's been a very hard three years. =\ I do want to get married and move on, I don't know if it's too fresh, if I just didnt like him or the way we had to meet. He seems like a nice guy but I feel so overwhelmed to decide everything. What if I say no to a decent guy bc I wasn't ready or what if I would like him eventually if I gave it a real chance? My family just says when you talk to him, just talk to him like you are getting to know someone and if you don't like him, then you don't have to. But I still feel this way. Ugh I feel like there is something wrong with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 Hi brokenheart. The reason you can't find that connection with anyone else is for one very simple reason ... you are not over your ex. It doesn't matter how many guys you date, you are not ready so it won't happen. You need to take some time out. I know your culture specifies otherwise but you could really do with not putting yourself under so much pressure to marry because you're causing yourself much stress. Being married is not the answer to moving on. You need to move on emotionally. Are you under pressure from your parents to get married soon or just from yourself because you think it is the answer to "moving on"? Thankfully, I think you know that calling your ex isn't going to solve your problems! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Share Posted September 24, 2013 It's more pressure from my parents and culture. It's something I would love them to understand and not pressure me and I honestly have tried talking to them about and I still do but it's something they will not understand. It's just a huge cause of stress in the family. These past three years have been hell in my family. We barely talked, my parents cried the worst tears, it was so hard. We finally got back to being okay. But they just won't understand why I'm not ready bc I cannot tell them and I will just feel a constant pressure to become ready. It's so complicated. I met a guy, who's like 23-24 some months back, he's pretty nice, I thought he seemed interested. I met him on my own just as friends through some mutual friends, not a set up. We chit chat and I genuinely like talking to him. We talk but at that age I doubt he's looking for something serious and I don't want to involve myself in another guy or situation that it won't work out with. But I do like talking to him, so I wonder if it's still that I'm just not over my ex? I wish this was simpler. Thank you so much for the advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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