lil_unique_me Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 nothing not a sound not a murmur nothing nothing just silence no hearts beating nothing nothing nobody near nobody to hear nothing silence surrounds me it consumes my heart filling it with dread i deserve to be dead time moves on and takes me with it kicking and screaming it takes no notice nobody can hear my screams silent screams in the night locked inside my head pound my skull trying to escape i am tied i am drawn i need to escape silence is all that greets me everywhere everybody hears noise i hear nothing i cannot speak cannot eat this silence gets us notwhere way too fast! tell me what you think Catie xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beanpaper Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 I don't like the last line that much. Because it's suddenly about "us" when previously it was about your own head trip. Unless I'm mistaken. I just seems out of place to me. I'm all about trippy last lines, but it's nice when they relate well with the rest of the poem. If you're talking about a particular person, maybe there should be a reference to that in the poem or something. Also: everybody else can hear everything, but nobody can hear your screams, and you cannot speak. Maybe you could develop that a little more. And you say "nothing" a lot in the first three stanzas and then don't repeat it. I think maybe you should work on meshing the whole thing a little more when you edit it. I'm no poet, personally, and rarely read this stuff, so don't take my criticism too seriously. Oh! Forgot the part I liked: the imagery of silence making noise is good. Silence shouldn't pound or scream, but it does in your poem, which helps to give it a deeper quality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lil_unique_me Posted December 2, 2004 Author Share Posted December 2, 2004 its ok i wanted some constructive criticism any way and thanks for it and it does have some hidden meaning in it cos slowly but surely im losing my hearing its a degeneration of my cochlea that i can do nothing to control. thats why i hear there is nothing. o and i was bored so i made it up on the spot. ok so wot do you think to this then? nothing no sweet sounds of your voice nothing but blood pounding against my ears nothing nothing i make no sounds i make no noise nothing nothing nobody can hear me nobody can help me nothing so thats about all i can think of for now so just let me know what you think. Catie xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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